Hey There.

Wow. So, no one reads this anymore.

I guess I just want to talk to myself about my life then. I have an interview tomorrow at a convenience store. I will be leaving the job I've had for 2+ years to go there; however, I won't be leaving for a few months because they have to train someone in my position.  So, I will be working three jobs for a few months.  It's pretty stressful at times but I want to go somewhere so this is what I have to do at the moment.

I'm applying for school in the fall. I'm going to go for child care.  The first step is a certification course that is 3 months long I think.  I'm excited to get a real job and move on with life.  Tired of working two or more jobs to keep up.  Especially now that I have a car to worry about.

Hmmm.  My life is kinda dull.  I work a LOT and am hardly ever home unless I'm sleeping, but a lot of times I sleep over my friend's house and also spend a lot of time over there other than that.  I'm trying to make more time for myself and get back into art and maybe sell some of my work.  I made an Etsy account and hope to do well with that.  I'm really looking into making something of myself someway, somehow.

Since I last posted I got my very first own personal laptop! Which I am posting from now.  It's so great to have my own.

I'm not in a very contemplative mood at the moment.  I think if I were high I would be.  And I'd also make some really awesome art pieces.  But I have an interview tomorrow and will be drug tested soon so I'm hoping I pass and then I can smoke again..  I never really was into that stuff before, but a few weeks ago I was suffering from severe sciatic pain and a friend smoked me out.  Since relying on it for a few days straight, I came to want it more and more.  Now I look forward to when I get this job and after the test when I can go back to doing that.  I feel so much more free and worry-free, carefree, nothing bothers me and life is so good.  It just really opens you up.  I'm not trying to advertise, it's not for everyone, but it's really helpful to me.  Anyway.

I guess that's all. I don't know why I bother to come back and post for no one to read. But I don't care.

The Way Life Was, and is Now

Yeah, yeah, I know it's been a bajillion years since I've posted. So sue me.

Things have been going well.  In the last few months I've been very busy getting my life together more, and overcoming personal challenges as well as achieving some goals.

1) I got a car! I drive everywhere and anywhere.  I visit my Grandmom who lives 25 miles away, I've visited one of the group homes I've been in last week, which is about 30 miles away.  I don't have to wait around to get a ride anywhere.  I see my friends and go out way more often.  It's just made life SO much easier.

2) I just got a second job working at a deli.  My best friend's mom works there now, but sadly they will soon be moving out of state so she recommended me to take her place.  It's kind of bittersweet, but it's definitely a step up.  Maybe soon I will be making enough money to move out.

3) I've been at my IBW for about two months now, and I'm doing very well.  However, recently I've been trying to eat healthier and exercise because I've been gaining weight at a rather fast pace and I want to stabilize.  So far I've lost about two pounds but I'm not intending to keep losing.  My natural weight is usually around 115-120 and I'm a little over that so once I start getting back into a healthier routine it should go back to normal.

Generally, life has been great.  Sometimes a little hectic and stressful.  There's been some anxiety, sure. I'm still grieving over the loss of my Pop-pop (he's passed since I last posted), but I'm trying to deal with it as best as I can.  Yes, there have been some tears, no, I'm not perfect (who is?) but I'm definitely making self-improvements.

Oh! And I'm now the owner of three fishies and a frog :) I love them so much. They're the only pets I can have in this apartment since they live in a tank and don't make any noise or mess (except in the tank of course).  I love taking care of them and I often will talk to them and make kissy faces, and one of them will actually swim up to the tank and make them back (it's sooo freaking cute!).  They definitely brighten up my day.

We're moving again soon once we find a place we can afford.  Hopefully they will allow us to have pets, in which case my mom and I were thinking about adopting from a rescue shelter.  Fish are cool, but it will be nice to have an animal I can touch and play with.

Anyway, I will try to this blog somewhat up to date.  I do have a very busy life nowadays, so it's hard sometimes, and mostly I just don't feel like sitting here and blabbing about my life (that's what therapy is for).

Pills

So there's a bit of something to report...

On the night of my last post (I think), which was Sunday night, I got a little overwhelmed.  I just randomly started crying my eyes out and thinking about dying.  I tried to talk to my best friend but she was busy.  I ended up calling a friend from work, who calmed me down a little but didn't stop me from overdosing on Klonopin and Trazodone.  It wasn't a major overdose, and I would have taken more if my friend Sara weren't there for me, but needless to say I slept well and didn't wake up until about 3pm.  I felt like shit all day yesterday.  I tried calling out of work but they made me feel guilty because it's a holiday week and we're really busy.  I went in anyway and the moment I got there and clocked in, I started crying and had to go in the back room.  My co-worker Dinea came to comfort me and talked to me for a while and after about 5-10 minutes of crying and talking, I went to my post on the self-checkout.  I was okay, for the most part, for the remainder of the night.

Last night I resorted to more pills.  I took one extra pill than I had the night before. I finally got up around 3:30 this afternoon and forced myself to shower and get ready for work.  I didn't feel good once again and I was having dizzy spells all day (and I'd eaten so that wasn't the case).  I felt a little better after going on break.  Then I called my ex and we talked things out and I came home and ate dinner.  I feel okay now, and I don't think I will take any pills tonight.  But I think the problem is that I've been off of my Celexa for about a week now.  I just got some from the pharmacy today and I'm hoping things go back to normal soon.  My social worker urged me to call my therapist but I didn't really want to talk to her.  I called anyway, and she didn't answer, and I didn't leave a voicemail because I didn't want her to call me back.  My plan is to just forget this all happened and go in next Thursday and not talk as usual.  I really need a new therapist.

So I just had to get that off my chest.  I'm not trying to kill myself, although I did wish on that first night that I wouldn't wake up in the morning.  My best guess is it's just the med situation and the stress in my life.  I think I'll be fine.

Love Sucks, Life is Crazy

Ugh, so this is going to be a kind of scattered post because there are a lot of things on my mind at the moment.  For one, I broke up with my boyfriend of five months (not a long time, considering), and I've already fooled around with my ex.  I feel so horribly bad for breaking up with my boyfriend, because I know I really broke his heart.  I thought things would be better if I got back together with my ex because it's so familiar and comfortable, but that's another story, which goes like this: we fooled around the night I broke up with Demitri and the next day I asked him, rather, started to ask him, "So, are we like--" and he cut me off with, "I don't wanna talk about it." So I feel like he doesn't really want me, even though we talked openly about being together again and I feel used like he just wanted to get in my pants and kick me to the curb.  My head is an emotional mess right now, and it doesn't help that it's that time of the month and I've been taking birth control to increase my estrogen levels, so I'm pretty much an emotional, bitchy basketcase.  I want things to work with my ex, I really do. But now he's rarely even answering my texts and blowing me off when we're supposed to see each other.  I don't want to smother him like Demitri did to me, and I don't want to push him away at all, but I want answers.  Did the sex even mean anything to him?  Is he afraid of committing to us?  Is he scared that it won't work out like it hasn't in the past?  He told me himself he thinks it would work out, but I'm not sure that's how he really feels anymore.  Or if he even felt like that at all.  I just want to be with him.  And this has all strained our friendship (we're very close, best friend status) and made things awkward between us.  I don't know what to think but I know I have to give him space, and it's killing me.  I just want answers.

Eating has been okay.  I've been fluctuating weight-wise, still at an unhealthy weight but that's because of my thyroid medication.  I think I went from having hypothyroidism to hyper-, but only tests will tell and I haven't been to the clinic since I got out of the hospital.  Something I need to do tomorrow, make an appointment.

Work is going well.  We just got a new manager and he's pretty nice and well-organized, and has goals for the company.  I agree with him on everything and I think we're on the same page as far as the company's needs go, which is good because that means we'll work well together.  I've been more bubbly and happy, nice, friendly, polite at work.  I've been wearing makeup to make myself feel prettier, which is probably really shallow, but it helps me.

My Pop-pop is still in the hospital and NOT going to a hospice afterwards, but rather a rehab center for cancer patients, until they find that he does in fact belong in a hospice.  I pray for him every night and hope they can cure him, because I don't think it's time for him to go yet.  We were supposed to see them for Thanksgiving but it's not going to work out because he'll still be in the hospital.  But my grandmother said once he goes to the rehab, we'll probably be able to visit, FINALLY.  I haven't seen them since May.  I'm also excited to see my grandmother because she and my great aunt and my grandmother's best friend have a lot of yarn for me, which I'm going to need because I'm into making blankets now.  It's just a matter of when we can get down there or they can come up here.

So that's my life at the moment.  A little crazy, but I'm alive.

The Ups and Downs

So I know I haven't posted in a while and I'm sorry, but it's not like people read this shit anyway.  I have some good stuff and some bad stuff to report, and something in between.

The good things:
1) I'm eating better, albeit not gaining any weight because of my thyroid medication.  I even had regular soda a couple of times!  And chips and bagels with cream cheese.  And I've been addicted to instant mashed potatoes for about two weeks now.  Very unhealthy but I don't really care because I love mashed potatoes.   I think I might be able to live with eating more since I'm not gaining weight.  I still sometimes feel like I want to lose weight but it's better than nothing.
2) My friend Kelly is out of residential treatment, and doing so much better.  That makes me so unbelievably happy.
3) I'm excited for what I might get for Christmas this year.  I've asked my mom for gift cards to both Michael's (it's a craft store where I buy my yarn and knitting/crocheting stuff as well as canvases and paint) and Barnes & Noble (book store).  There are a lot of books I want to read; also, recently I've been getting into crocheting again rather than knitting all the time and I'm making blankets.  It's worth the time and gives me something to do.

Now the bad things:
1) My Pop-pop is dying in the hospital.  I'm not sure if I've posted this before, but back in March he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  He went through chemotherapy and radiation, but then recently they found another tumor in his stomach.  They did another major operation and tried to remove all of it and he will have to do the chemo and radiation therapy all over again.  They want to send him to a hospice because they don't think there's much else they can do for him.
2) My best friend is being kicked out of her house and moving back to New Jersey.   This is good because she'll finally get away from her mom and be back home (she'd only been living in South Carolina for a few months), but the stress is killing her and I'm really worried about her.
3)  I'm really worried about my sister and her depression.  She's going through a lot with my niece and she's just very unmotivated and sad.  I haven't seen her in over a month and I miss her.

And the in-between things:
1) I'm breaking up with my boyfriend.  I just don't think our relationship is going anywhere.  He doesn't really have anything to offer except that he adores me, which is great but can be obsessive at times and annoying.  He lives off of money from the state and has no job or car or even a license or willingness to obtain one. On the flip-side, I've been spending a lot of time with my ex and I think there's something sparking between us.  I'm not sure if I'm going to just hop into another relationship, but I think I do have feelings for my ex and it might turn into something down the road.
2) I'm getting a car!  Sounds great, right?  Well, the only bad thing about it is that I'm not getting it until my grandfather dies.  Grandfather lives = no car.  Which of course I'd rather him live than have something material because of his death but what can ya do.


So that's basically what's going on in my life right now.  Aside from all that, work is okay except for anxiety issues I have, but my doctor increased my Klonopin so that I can sleep better and I have to try to remember to take it before I go to work.  Overall, things are looking up for my somewhat, and all my real problems have to do with other people.  I'm just trying to hang in there as best as I can.

Series of Exciting Events

So I went shopping with Sara on Monday and I got a whole new outfit plus a new shirt and another pair of leggings and new boots all for $55! Can you say 'bargain shopping?'  Then I did laundry with my mom.

On Wednesday I went over my friend/ex's house and we watched Beetlejuice and then we went bowling and had a lot of fun.

Today I had my appointment with my therapist and it ended early because I didn't do much talking and we sat in silence for ten minutes before she decided we should just meet next week and see if I have anything to talk about then.  Then I went to work and it wasn't that bad, although it did drag at some points.

I've been eating better and weighing in less so I guess that's a good sign.  I'm just scared of when I do weigh myself next and I gain a lot of weight or even a few pounds.  The idea still scares me.

This Saturday my mom is taking me to Freehold to possibly get a car for $99!! They're having a huge blowout sale on used cars.  I really am praying that it works out; however, I'm sort of scared of the 30-minute drive back home on the highway. I do have my license but I don't have much driving experience because I was never able to drive my mom's car.  She drives a 5-speed and she has been unable to successfully teach me how to drive it.  So anyway, if I do get the car I will drive back and then go pick up my boyfriend and we'll go bowling before I have to go to work.  It will be either a really eventful and exciting day or a real bummer day because if I don't get the car my mom won't go pick my boyfriend up because she'll be tired of driving by the time we get back from Freehold.  So that's the plan.

Still trying to have a normal life.

Normal Life?

I'm not doing very well with updating, but I don't think anyone reads this anymore anyway so I guess it doesn't matter.

Today was a good day.  My mom, brother and I went to my "aunt's" (she was my aunt through marriage but she divorced my uncle I think before I was even born) u-pick farm (which is exactly what it sounds like - you pick your own pumpkins, vegetables, etc.) and saw her and my cousin.  It was really fun I guess.  First we went through their corn maze (well, only part of it) and then my brother and I walked around as he got followed and taunted by a bunch of yellow jackets while my mom picked mini pumpkins and butternut squash.  Then we took the tractor back (it's a HUGE farm, so it's like a 5-10 minute ride back to the front of the farm on the tractor that they drive) and we looked in the little store and my mom bought some honey and gourds.  Then we talked to my "aunt" for a little bit and drove back.

On the way back we stopped at my other aunt's (who is my blood-related aunt) new apartment and met her dog and her new boyfriend.  We chatted for about half an hour and then left because I had work at 5:15.

Work was pretty good.  I was working with my friend Sara and it went well while she was there.  The night went pretty well after she left, too, but towards the end it got kind of crazy because the computers were being slow and I couldn't finish something in a decent amount of time and it kind of backed things up a bit, but we got out on time.

Now I'm home and very tired from walking around the farm all day and not taking a nap before standing all day at work.  I've closed three nights in a row and I'm closing again tomorrow.  At least the store closes at 10 tomorrow night rather than 11.  Then Monday I have off and Sara and I are going to go shopping.

I'm trying to have a normal life.