Mundane hospital life

Not much to update on.  I hope I didn't maintain my weight again today because if so the doctor has threatened to increase my meal plan and I really don't want that.  I've been doing well and of course completing 100% still and going out for much needed smoke breaks.  I haven't had any visitors other than my friend's mom last weekend.  I wanted a meal pass for the weekend but no one can come see me and I'm not allowed to be by myself.  My grandparents are out of town and Jenn can't come because she's covering Alicia's shift.  I talked to her last night and she said she's really excited for me to come back.  I have to gain at least six more pounds to reach my goal weight.  My therapist wanted me to leave next week but the doctor said he doesn't want me to go until my rash from the allergic reaction (yes, I still have it) is gone and until he can put me back on some of my meds and be stable.  So he said late next week if I'm lucky and all of that works out but my rash is still there and it's not really clearing up.  It flares up and then calms down and doesn't really go away.

I have a new roommate who I already know from the last time I was inpatient at this program (when it was at another hospital).  But, last night she was taken to the medical side because she's severely dehydrated and her vitals are screwy so I don't know when she's coming back, and they already stripped her bed in case they need it for new admissions I suppose.  We have 21 patients now (that included Kristin, my roommate) and definitely not enough room for everyone.  It's been really crazy around here.

Anyway, I thought I'd update though there's not much to say.  Every day's pretty much the same.

Positive side of things

I'm doing really well.  More positive days than negative.  The only thing that's bothering me is body image stuff.  Especially since the doctor took me off of all my medications except for Lithium becasue I still have this rash on my stomach and we're trying to figure out what I'm allergic to.  So I'm off my Protonix and Reglan for my stomach which means more uncomfortable bloating.  Last night's dinner was really hard because I felt like I was eating so much and my stomach hurt and I looked like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade balloon.  It's so uncomfortable and hard.  I was told this refeeding bloat should go away within a few days but it's been 9 days now and I still have it.

Other than that I'm doing well.  I'm still completing 100% of my meals and gaining weight.  I am a little uncomfortable with how it's coming on though.  I know it's not evenly distributed yet, but still.  My face is a balloon.  I'm about 7-10lbs away from my goal weight.  I know I'll be here all of this week and at least part of next week if not all of next week as well.  I'm working on my goals.  When I get out my mom agreed to take me to the DMV so I can get my driver's permit.  I'm working on applying to school in the fall.  I want to get on with my life.

In need of an update?

Sorry I haven't been posting as often as I'd promised.  We do get a fair amount of free time here but most of the time the computers are taken by other patients (there are only three computers) or I'm just not in the mood to blog.

I'm continuing to complete 100% of my meals.  It's been more physically comfortable but I'm still very bloated and it's really starting to get to me.  I had a mini breakdown today because I just can't stand how I look.  I really do look pregnant from refeeding and it's driving me crazy.  I've already gained about ten pounds and it's killing me.  I feel so disgusted with myself.  I don't want to look fat.  But I'm trying so hard to tell myself that this is temporary and once my body is fully used to the food it will even out.  I just want to understand why I felt like this in the first place.  Why can't I go a minute without thinking about food and obsessing over my body?  Why have I made it so important?  It makes me upset not knowing or understanding my own thinking.  I really do want this eating disorder out of my life.  Obviously a few weeks in a hospital isn't going to do that, but it's a start.  If I could just understand what triggers me and how to get to the bottom of this then I think I will do great.  And the body image issues definitely need to be addressed.

I cried a lot today because I'm missing my dad.  I did journal however, so that helped a bit.  I feel like I need to scream and cry and go crazy to get it out of my system, because honestly, I really don't express my feelings about it in detail to anyone but myself.  And it's been so hard lately because putting all this food in my body is making me less numb and I'm starting to feel emotions again.  Real emotions besides anger.  When I was starving I was making myself numb.  This is so much harder and I almost want to give up, but I really can't.  I know I can do this, I just need to utilize my supports.  I'm trying to be as positive as I can although I still feel extremely shitty.  I feel like this will always be a win/lose situation and never a win/win.

My friend Michelle's mom came to visit me today.  I was in treatment with Michelle two years ago and that's the last time I actually saw her or her mom but I've talked to them since.  Her mom brought me two cards and this really beautfiul plastic blue ornament that's a hummingbird with little strings and beads dangling off of it and a book with inspirational things in it.  It really made me happy after I was crying.  She always says she wants to take me home with her.  She said she'll try to visit again soon.

I found out from the doctor the other day that my target weight for discharge is a minimum of 112-115lbs.  That's really scary for me right now, but I know I'm already over 100.  It happened too fast if you ask me.  I've already gained 10+ lbs since I've been here.  That's ridiculous.

I'm really emotional lately and now they've taken me off of my Lamictal (mood stabilizer) because I'm getting a reaction to it in the form of a beatiful giant rash on my stomach.  So that probably means the doctor will start me on some other kind of mood pill on Monday.  Meanwhile I've been given a Vistaril (my PRN for sleep and anxiety) because it's an antihistamine or however you spell it (this computer doesn't have spell check on the browser) and it's supposed to help because I don't have an order for Benadryl.  Which means I'm close to knock out seeing as I took it almost three hours ago.

I will try to update more often.  Not like anything really exciting happens.

Today was better

I woke up and did weigh-ins and vitals and showered.  Breakfast was good.  I had to wait to see if my vitals were okay enough to go out for smoke break because I was still technically on fall risk.  The nurse went to do my vitals again after breakfast but it was taking forever because the machine kept erroring and the other people were going to wait for me.  The nurse who did my vitals said I was good to go out but everyone already left without me so I couldn't go out until after lunch and I was super pissed.  The good news though is that I was taken off fall risk completely so now I can go as long as I do 100% of my meals, which I've been doing since I've been here.  I had individual therapy today with Jenn and we talked about my dad.  Then we had Ollie's nutrition group but I fell asleep through most of it.  Lunch was fine.  My stomach has been good today all day so that's good.  After lunch I went out for the smoke break and then we came back inside and I was supposed to have a family session with Dr. Rita on the phone with my mom.  My mom wouldn't answer her phone the first few times so Rita asked me what's been going on with me lately.  Then my mom finally answered and we talked about my older brother and my dad's death.  Rita wants to try to have a session with my older brother tomorrow, but I'm not sure how that will turn out.  He's so uncooperative to say the least.  After that we had a group where we just play Pictionary and it was fun because my team won.  Then it was free time.  I worked on knitting and I made a journal that I was supposed to make in art therapy but I missed it because I was with Dr. Rita.  Dinner went well and my stomach barely hurt afterwards, but I did feel really full.  After dinner I had my cigarette and Dr. Rita and Dr. Judy ran a family therapy group.  We were talking about recovery.  It was a good group.  Then we've had free time since except at 9pm snack.  I was kind of hyper all night.  I called my friend Michelle who I haven't talked to in forever.  Her mom is supposed to come see me on Saturday.  I'm more calm now and I'm waiting to see if we're going to be able to have our last cigarette or not because there's a new admission so it's possible and likely that we won't be able to have it.  If we can't I guess I'll just go to bed.  Tomorrow the doctor won't be here and neither will Jenn so I guess I'll have to deal with the on-call people.  But overall, today was better than the last few days.

First few days

Prepare yourselves for a long-ish update.  Monday morning I woke up and got ready to leave at 7 for inpatient.  I only got about two and a half hours of sleep Sunday night.  The social worker showed up around quarter after 7.  I had to stay awake for the ride because she didn't know where she was going and I had directions on my iPod.  It took us almost two hours to get here because of traffic.  We finally arrived and I went to the emergency room to be medically cleared.  I had to have an IV because I'm dehydrated.  I wanted to get on the unit before lunch because I wanted to be able to pick my menu.  I only stayed in the ER for about two or three hours before coming onto the unit.  I saw Ollie and Antoinette and the nurse Jenny and the doctor and Jenn the therapist.  It was almost unreal.  We went to lunch just twenty or so minutes after I came onto the unit.  I was overwhelmed with anxiety once a tray was placed in front of me.  Ollie sat with me and I ended up completing 100% of my meal.  I've done 100% at every meal for a cigarette, but it's so physically uncomfortable for me with my stomach.  I look so horrible and bloated and I feel like my stomach is going to explode.  So on Monday after dinner I went for a cigarette after the meal and I got dizzy so they brought me back on the unit in a wheelchair and put me on fall risk and told me I can't have a cigarette so I was upset.  I didn't smoke all day yesterday and I didn't smoke after breakfast or lunch today.  I saw the doctor today and begged him to let me smoke if my vitals were okay after dinner.  I was lucky and they were better because I tried drinking a lot more water so I wouldn't be orthostatic.  My pulse has been ranging in the 40s and 50s and then 80s and 90s standing.  But after dinner today it was 69 sitting and then 75 standing so they let me go out.  Tomorrow I'm going to see if I can come off of fall risk completely.

So far I've gained three pounds already and I feel horrible about that but I know I have to do it.  The doctor is putting me back on all my meds and I'm taking protonix for my stomach.  I get bored all day and sleep a lot because I'm not used to all the meds.  I had a therapy session today with Jenn and it went well.  We're going to work on me coping with living with my mom and my older brother because I have a lot of problems with him.

So that's basically the last couple of days in a nutshell.  Hopefully the meals will get easier and I will participate more in groups.  Today is only my second full day so we'll see how it goes. 

T -10 hours until liftoff

AHHH okay.  I woke up after 9am and weighed in.  I still didn't lose!  What the fuck!  Then I did some laundry and pre-last minute packing.  I went to sit around in bed and knit my scarf and fell asleep.  Like, a really deep sleep.  I set my alarm for 2pm so I could get in the shower and ready for work.  I weighed myself again before I got in the shower and it said I lost a pound.  Okay, I guess.  I want to lose at least one more by tomorrow.  I still haven't eaten since Friday.  I'm still super bloated like a little Ethiopian.

So I went to work at 4 and it went well.  I was busy all night.  I was scheduled to leave at 8 and the last customer I had was a fucking bitch.  It was some old lady who like, screamed at me for trying to touch her card when she couldn't swipe it and then she had the fucking nerve to tell me that I'd be much prettier if I didn't have acne all over my face and I should see a dermatologist and it would be worth my money.  Well, FUCK YOU, LADY.  She pissed me off, but I don't care, I don't have to deal with customers for a few weeks.  I left.

I have to get up at 5am tomorrow so I can be ready by 7.  I have to pack all my toiletries after I shower and get ready and then find sheets to change my bed so my little brother can sleep in it while I'm gone.  Then I'm probably going to run around a thousand times and quadruple check that I have everything I need.  Then hopefully I will take a small nap and wait for the social worker to show up and I'll be on my way.

So this will be my last post from home for a few weeks or however long I need to be there.  My insurance covers 30 days, but I don't intend on staying that long.  I will post from the hospital provided I complete 100% of my meals.  I'm a little nervous at this point but I think I'll be okay.

UGH man wtf.

So I gained three fucking pounds from yesterday's disgusting crap food fest.  I can't fucking believe myself.  So I didn't eat a single thing all day, I just had sugar free lifesavers and I didn't even buy more popsicles because I'm not going to eat anything until I have to at the hospital on Monday.  I've been so unbelievably bloated and having stomach pains all day.  It won't go away! I look pregnant!  REALLY!!! I'm so fucking frustrated and I'm scared that I'm going to keep the weight and then go on Monday and be all fat and they'll laugh at me.  Even though if I keep it my BMI will still be like, 15.5 or something, but it's not as good as 14.9.  My goal was to lose another pound, not gain like, five.  What the fuck.  I hate myself so bad.  I'm going to look ridiculous.  I hate this, hate,  hate, hate, HATE!  God, I'm so fucking pissed at myself.  If I weren't all crazy yesterday and thought I was dreaming then this wouldn't be a problem.  And now they'll put me back on meds and I'll gain weight even faster.  Now I'm not sure I even want to go yet.  I'm just so fucking pissed.  I'm not skinny enough now.  There's no way I'll lose it all by Monday.  Probably not even half.  I didn't even lose from last night to this morning! And then I weighed again a little later and it said another pound!  From what!??!  I HATE MYSELF.

But other than all of that bullshit, today was good.  I finally saw Deb!  I met her at the mall.  I did all my shopping before she even got there.  I got a new bag that's really cute and it was really cheap on sale.  I only paid $6.49 for it.  Then I got a stuffed rabbit for Ollie in memory of this pet therapy bunny she used to love named Taffy who passed away last time I was there.  Then I got two shirts, socks for me and my little brother, flip flops from Old Navy and then I bought a hair clip for Deb because she loves them.  We took photos in a booth and they came out weird but it's cool.  Then we went to DSW to get her new shoes and I followed her around and pretended to be a photographer with her camera phone.  It was fun.  Then we went to Home Depot to see her boyfriend for a while and then she brought me home because I had to go to work at 6.  I've been up since 8am because I had to go to Pennsylvania with my mom so I could buy a carton of cigarettes for inpatient.  Work was good and fast and I got a ride home from Shannon.  Now I'm tired but not really.  I think I'll pack some more and knit until I fall asleep.  Tomorrow I have to do laundry and finish packing before work from 4-8.  I can't believe I'm really leaving on Monday.  I'm not eating tomorrow.  I drank today, and a lot.  Like, 24oz altogether because I had a 20oz Coke Zero at the mall and then I had some sips of water which I'm rounding up to 4oz.  Tomorrow I plan on drinking either nothing or no more than 2-4oz.  I can't explain how angry I am with myself.  I'm a fat blob.  I hate myself.

TODAY WAS AWESOME except for...

Soooo my co-worker Alicia and her dad picked me up just after noon.  We went to her grandma's house first and it happened to be in a neighborhood I know on the other side of town.  Her grandma doesn't speak English well, but she kept offering me food.  I lied and said I just had leftover pizza before I came.  We didn't even order pizza last night.  So then we went to the shopping center and we were going to go to the SuperFresh (grocery store) because it's going out of business and her dad wanted to get a case of water.  But first we went to the dollar store and I bought two plain shirts (gray and black) and headbands and socks (which we lost), mints (which I ate all of before we even got to the next place we went), and a new shower sponge thing 'cause mine broke on me this morning.  Then we went to Acme so I could get my paycheck and see if they got my medical note.  I cashed my check and I'm scheduled only for Sunday night, and Jenn is working until 5:30 that day and I start at four so I'll get to say bye to her.  They still didn't have my phone minutes in stock.  I asked the new assistant manager, Erika, if she'd gotten my note and she said she doesn't know and I should ask Wendy, who just left.  Oh well.  If I'm not on the schedule and I know they faxed it, I don't really care at this point.  Obviously Wendy must have gotten it because I know she did the schedule since Sabrina was out.  But I guess I should call tomorrow morning anyway to see, just to look good or whatever.  Anyway, then we left and we went back to Alicia's house.  We walked her dogs and then came back and then went back out to get our nails done.  We walked there but we stopped at Quick Check on the way so I could get something to drink (yes, I'm drinking!).  I got 20oz Diet Coke and five pickles (I didn't want to look weird by not eating but I think I looked more weird by just buying pickles).  Then we walked to the nail place and I got my manicure!  It looks so awesome!! Then we left and I wanted to go to Rita's because I know I can get a small water ice and they have sugar free water ice.  Well there wasn't one in walking distance but there was another ice cream place that was and Alicia said they have water ice.  Well we got there and they weren't serving it anymore so I had a kid's sized sherbet instead, and it wasn't even sugar free!  It probably had like, 200 something calories in it.  But we were walking all the way back so I told myself it's okay.  We stopped at Radio Shack because she wanted to look at something and I just got my phone minutes there.  I spent $70 on minutes.  We went back to her house and then we took another walk.  Then we got bored and her dad was going to take us bowling but her mom was having an allergic reaction of some sort and wasn't letting us leave her alone there because her face was all swelled up so we stayed there.  They kept offering me food and I knew I couldn't keep refusing... Her parents and brothers are very big.  She's not fat herself, she's average I guess, high-end.  I don't know what you would call it.  Well they had all this junk food that I knew my stomach couldn't handle anyway.  But they had fat free Yoplait Light yogurt in the fridge so I had one of those.  It was 96 calories.  And I was full, but I never get hungry so I don't know, but I didn't want more food.  Then Alicia started cooking fries and I said I would have some.  Big mistake.  Her dad came in the kitchen and offered me a cheesesteak and I said fine.  Bigger mistake.  Then I grabbed six sandwich cookies.  Fuck my life.  I almost ate it all, too.  But my stomach literally could not handle all of it.  It was such a physical struggle to even eat it.  I ate as much as I possibly could because I figured this is what I'm going to start doing on Monday.  I FELT LIKE SHIT!!!! Not just physically, of course.  I felt like I was going to explode and I was so angry with myself.  We started watching this movie but I really wanted to go run a million miles up the road.  But my stomach was KILLING ME to no end.  Yes, I've still been having stomach problems.  So I really thought I was going to puke (involuntarily of course) so I went outside for fresh air and had a cigarette (killing the purpose of the fresh air).  I felt a little better physically on the inside but I was soooo bloated (and still am!!!) and I feel like a balloon still.  The movie we watched, Due Date, was really fucking annoying and stupid.  I shook my leg rapidly through the whole thing so I could burn some calories.  I thought it was very necessary.  Well, it was, obviously, because I just ate a bunchhh of shit!  SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!! I feel horrible.  Then I came home and I feel soooo bloated still and soooo fucking disgusting..  perfect time to weigh myself and make me feel worse!! THREE POUNDS!!!! I know MAYBE a pound will go away by tomorrow, but I'm not going to eat until Monday when I need to do it in the hospital.  I've eaten more than I've eaten in a month in one meal..  What the fuck!  I feel so weird today.  I don't know why, I think it's the weather.  It's like, 75 degrees out after it's been really cold and I think it's fucking with my head.  I'm super euphoric.  I've been like that all day, actually.  I almost feel like I'm in some weird fantasy world and I don't really exist.  I'm not sure if I should think it's my mania since I'm bipolar 1 or whatever.  NOT A GOOD TIME TO GET MANIC!   AHHH okay but I feel shitty anyway because I feel very fat and bloated and icky and my stomach hurts and I wish I didn't do that but it's almost like I didn't because it's like I'm not really here right now and this is all a weird dream and it will be like POOF I wake up and I didn't eat all that shit like all the other dreams I have where I eat all this shit and POOF I wake up like woahhh.  Yes, I'm very hyper and fidgety and sooo weird right now, I can't describe it, but I want to go run up the road and scream LALALALA yay!  Oh I hope this goes away because I don't want to go crazy again.  Not good!  BUT HEY WHEN I GO CRAZY I DON'T EAT! THEN IT WILL BE EASY! HAHA okay.  Well I'm going to see Deb tomorrow FINALLY yay and we're going to have a girl's day out and lalala and then I have work at like, 6 and then woo hoo I go home and then Sunday I'm bored until 4-8 I have work and lalalala then I go home and leave Monday morning at 7am to go to the hospital! WOOAHHH BABYYY yeah so that's my day guys! Hope you found it amusing!  I'M NOT ON DRUGS.

Scared to die

I was so scared last night.  I went to go to sleep and my body was numb except for the pain I've had in my stomach and chest all day.  When I closed my eyes it didn't feel like they were even closed and I was seeing half white and half black in my eyelids.  I started crying because I felt like I was dying.  I know I'm dying.  I cried more because eating won't help me, it will make me feel worse.  Why have I let this control me and consume my every thought and action?  Why do I continue to live like this?  I felt so alone and scared so I cried and prayed to God until I finally was able to fall asleep.

I woke up relieved to see another day.  I don't want to die.  Today I'm going to get my nails done with Alicia around noon.  I only have popsicles left to eat and not that many.  I need to buy more.  I ate 254 calories yesterday because I kept feeling like shit and thought it would help.  I gained a pound.  I have to hang in for three more days until I go to the hospital.  I can't live like this anymore.

I'M GOING!

I was up half the night in and out of the bathroom with my stomach problems.  I ate solid food yesterday, which always makes it worse.  I'm having pain in my whole stomach but specifically on the lower right side, which I know is where the appendix is because my little brother had appendicitis like, five years ago and I confirmed it with him.  I woke up and weighed myself and found that I'd lost another pound.  My BMI is 14.9 now.  I called the hospital and told them I got the referral letter and I want to come on Monday.  Jenn (the therapist) said that I can come and they'll have a bed for me.  I have to go through the ER to get medically cleared.  So Monday morning my social worker is going to pick me up and take me.  Four more days!  I ate a bowl of cereal with skim milk again and it's the last one I have to worry about because the cereal is gone.  I'm going to have stomach problems again but the sick part of me wants to because it means more weight loss.  I lost two pounds in two days and that's a lot since I've been maintaining for almost a week.  I told Jenn at the hospital that I'm trying not to lose anymore weight (kind of a lie) but it's hard because I'm having stomach problems.  She said they'll take care of it when I get there.  I'm one pound away from my millionth goal weight that keeps changing anyway.

I'm kind of bored.  I've been talking to my friend Abbe for a while.  Today I'm going to do some laundry and lounge around I guess.  Tomorrow if things work out I'm going to get my nails done for the first time with a friend from work.  Saturday I'm going to have a girl's day out with Deb and her sister until I have to work at 6.  I find out the schedule for next week tomorrow.  I told them I'm leaving Monday but if they really need me on Sunday then I'm available.  I kind of wanted to stay home on Sunday and pack though.  I'm so glad this all worked out.  It's such a relief.  I went through so much hell to get to where I'm going so it'd better be worth it.

I hope Kelly is okay.  I know that she hasn't been completing her meals because she hasn't been online.  I tried to call her last night but they said she was in a meeting so I'm guessing they were having a talk with her about not completing her meals or something.  I'll find out today hopefully.  I'm going to call her again tonight.

I hate when plans are ruined...

My friend who was supposed to take me to visit our old school just let me know that she can't take me because apparently her mom flipped out on her today or something so she can't take anyone with her... which is completely ridiculous but I guess that gives me time to make phone calls to the hospital and stuff.  But I'm really mad now because I hate when my plans get ruined and I'm tired of sitting on my ass all damn day.  Ugh, what the fuck.

I'm so bloated right now.  I drank some water, way more than usual, probably like 8oz and I feel like shit.  I feel like I gained three pounds.  I probably did.  I fucking hate this.

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself all day tomorrow.  Now I'm just really upset.  Oh well, such is life I suppose.  Monday can't come sooner...

The longest day ever

I lost a pound today finally.  New BMI: 15.0.  I didn't eat or drink anything before my appointment.  My mom took me there at 11:30.  The place was completely packed.  I waited in the hallway outside of the waiting room for almost the whole time, which was also completely packed.  I signed papers and filled out medical history information and why I was there, etc.  I ended up waiting until 4:30 until I finally got called back.  They took my blood pressure which wasn't too bad - 109/61.  They weighed me and their scale of course made me weigh two pounds more but I was fully clothed and layered so that was probably one pound right there.  I went into a room and waited another 20 minutes to see the doctor.  I told him I needed a referral for Medicaid so I can go inpatient.  He went to talk to some head nurse or something and they wrote the letter.  I had to call my social worker to get the fax number for Medicaid.  She got mad because I didn't call her earlier and now she's off the clock, but it wasn't my fault that I was there since 11:30 in the morning and the doctor talked to her and told her that.  My social worker gave them the fax number to her office and she'll take care of it tomorrow when she gets in.  So tomorrow I'm going to go up to my old school with a friend and I will call the hospital and get the letter from the doctor for work.  If everything is taken care of by the end of this week, I will go inpatient on Monday provided they have a bed available.  I was so exhausted when I got home because I hadn't even had a popsicle and it was after 6pm so I had a small bowl of Special K WITH skim milk... 158 calories... and then a popsicle... another 24 calories... basically, a lot.  But I really felt like shit.  But I am so relieved that I got the referral.  I would be so pissed if I had to wait there for six hours and not get it.  I would've flipped shit on them.  But anyway.  I feel really bloated now from the cereal so I might go for a walk or something, but not too much of a walk because I'm scared of building a single ounce of muscle.  So that was my day.  The rest of the week will be easier.  Thank God.

I'm excited

I'm going to be busy for the rest of the week.  Here is my exciting schedule:

Tonight - work 6-10 and hopefully get a ride home from Jenn at 11:15 and make food lists
Tomorrow (Wednesday) - go to my appointment and get the referral for inpatient (crossing my fingers)
Thursday - visit my old school with a friend who I haven't seen in forever
Friday - get a manicure with a friend from work
Saturday - gonna ask my best friend Deb if she can see me before I have work from 6-10
Sunday - relax and get ready for inpatient if things go well on Wednesday
Monday - inpatient status!

I have a strong need to have a busy schedule all the time.  It keeps my mind off of things.

Trying to be productive

Okayyy so I'm not losing weight.  What the hell.  I had like, five popsicles today so like 120 calories already.  I had work later at 6 until 10.  I happen to know that Jenn is closing tonight so I'm going to ask if she can drive me home and while I wait for her shift to be over I'm going to go around the store and make food lists.  Tomorrow is my appointment and I'm getting nervous.  My mom is just going to drop me off and come pick me up when I'm done.

I spent the first half of the day doing dishes and laundry and cleaning a bit.  I keep feeling dizzy even though I had those five popsicles (well, I only had two or three before I started cleaning).  I'm really bored.  I finished Ollie's scarf and now I'm working on a white one.  I'll probably give it to someone at the hospital 'cause I'll probably finish it while I'm there.

Kelly went to Brandywine finally today, so I'm waiting for her to call me later.  And I know she's going to read this at some point, so she better get her little bony ass better and be good and not use rituals while she's there because I will find out and kick her ass.  In the loving kind of way.

Less than a week and I'm going to Brandywine.  Yipee.

You're not sucking it in?

My social worker came and stayed for an hour and a half.  She took one look at me and made a face.  She said she can tell I lost a lot of weight just from my face.  She had me take off my jacket and then she wanted to see my stomach?  I wouldn't normally show anyone, but I've known her for six years so I did anyway... "Is that what your stomach really looks like?  You're not sucking it in?"  I told her I wasn't and to prove it I sucked it in.  "Okay, okay, put your shirt down, I've seen enough."  We talked about my appointment on Wednesday.  She had me look up the number to the hospital and she called and left a message at the outpatient clinic because she wants to tell the doctor that I really need to go inpatient.  We talked about my dad about about how my mom talks about him so negatively.  She said she's going to talk to my mom about it and tell her she needs to be more sensitive around me.  I told her that I'm worried about not getting the referral on Wednesday and she said if I don't get it there then she's picking me up on Thursday and taking me to a hospital near her and she's going to tell them they need to give me a referral because I need to be admitted.  She wants me to be directly admitted if that happens, but I told her I can't go anywhere without the note from the doctor for work or else I'll lose my job, and plus I'm scheduled to work Saturday night.  She said we'll just see what happens and hopefully I'll get the referral on Wednesday.

I had another half cup of cereal and now I'm at 180 calories for the day.  I was eating it when my social worker came to make it look good.  She thought I was weird because I was eating it out of a measuring cup. I'm kind of mad that I'm eating this much today.  At least there's no fat in anything.  I was even thinking about having another popsicle, which would put me at 204 calories for the day, but that's kind of scary, so I'm not sure.  But who knows, maybe it will make me lose a pound.  But on the flip side, I might gain a pound.  I don't know anymore.  I'm just crazy.

Stupid calories.

I'm waiting for my social worker to show up at the door.  So far I kind of ate a lot today.  I had three popsicles and a half cup of dry Special K Red Berries, so 132 calories.  I don't plan on eating for the rest of the day.  I really wasn't supposed to eat that many.  I could've had the three popsicles if I didn't have the cereal because then I'd still be under 100 calories.  Fail.  A half cup of the cereal is 58 calories.  That's like two and a half popsicles right there.  Oh well.  Apparently I gained a pound somehow, and I'm really frustrated.  I better freaking lose it by tomorrow.  And I want to lose more than that.  I want to lose three more pounds.  Then I'll be okay.

LOL Butter

Yesterday was pretty okay.  I woke up and texted Ami and never ended up seeing her because she had to finish something for work that was due today.  I lost the extra weight and I'm back to 15.2 BMI.  I'm kind of upset though because I want to lose two or three more pounds, but I always say that (because it's always true).

I ate two popsicles yesterday again.  That was it.  I went to work in a good mood.  It was kind of slow after about two hours but I lived.  I got a laugh because someone bought Land-O-Lakes Butter and it came up on the screen as "LOL BUTTER" so that made my day.  I bought some scratch off tickets and made some pocket money.  I came home and talked to Erica for about two and a half hours and then I didn't feel good so I went to bed.

I pretty much just woke up.  I'm waiting for my social worker to call me and tell me if she's coming to see me today or not.  Today is my first day off in a week.  I'm sure I'm going to be very bored all day.  I'm anxious about my appointment on Wednesday.  I really hope I get this stupid referral and get on with this process of going inpatient.  Maybe then I'll be able to sleep.

Fuck the world

So today was boring.  I gained a pound and was a little upset.  I woke up in a very bad and angry mood and cried because I'm still frustrated about this whole IP situation.  I'm just so worried that I'm not going to get the referral for some reason.  And then I won't get help.  I don't know what I will do.

I had two popsicles today.  I drank more than usual, about 16oz total.  My stomach is still bothering me.

I went to work at 5 and I was good the whole time, just had stomach pains, but after a week of it I'm used to it by now.  I came home and weighed myself and it says I'm up two pounds from this morning.  What the fuck.  I'm so mad.  I should not be drinking this much.  And I haven't taken diuretics in weeks.  I feel so disgusting.  This weight better all come off by tomorrow.  Why the fuck would I gain two pounds in one day from have two popsicles and 16oz of water?  That makes three pounds in two days, from practically nothing.  This is fucking crazy, and it just makes me hate myself more and make me feel even less sick and even less eligible for treatment.  I'm just so fucking mad at everything right now.

I have worked every day since Tuesday and don't have a day off until Monday, and my social worker is coming to see me then.  I don't want her to be mad because I've lost about 15-17lbs since I saw her last month.  It's not like she's never seen me this low.  She's seen me seven pounds lower when I was at my LW three years ago.  But I don't want her to be upset.  Maybe I'll wear a giant hoodie and really baggy pants.  But she's not stupid.  Oh well, I don't give a shit anymore.

I was supposed to see my best friend Deb today but she cancelled.  Go figure.  That just made me more upset.  I really wanted to get my scale from her house because it's more accurate.  And of course I want to see her and my dog.

Tomorrow I may or may not see Ami.  I don't know why I bother making plans with people because they continuously cancel on me so I give up on that too.  Screw my attempt to have a social life.  Sometimes I feel like my only friend is my eating disorder, and he's a shit friend.

Today fucking sucked

So I don't feel like reiterating my post from W.E. therefore copy and paste will suffice with added details.

I was supposed to get a referral for inpatient from the physician. They let me go through the whole registration process and everything after I told them I needed a referral and to be medically cleared and then the doctor came and told me he couldn't give it to me. So I wasted four hours. They told me I can go to their outpatient clinic on Wednesday and get a referral from there. That's five freaking days away. I've been trying to go IP for two weeks now and I'm so sick and tired of waiting for this doctor and that phone call and whatever else. They didn't seem concerned that I have a 15.2 BMI. Then he decided, "oh, well let's do blood work anyway." My results were shockingly pretty OK. The only things that were low were my glucose and my RDW (something with red blood cells that indicates anemia). Then they told me I should give them a urine sample too. Well you would think they would have me do this when I came in, but it took them four hours to decide. I had to call my mom and have her come get me. I was crying my eyes out because I'm so fed up. All I want to do is get help, and it's taking forever. This just makes me want to give up and forget it. I'm so tired of stupid fucking doctors. But I'm tired of feeling like shit every day and not being able to eat enough to be healthy or even remotely close. I left the hospital with my blood test results and a diagnosis of enteritis (small intestine inflammation). I asked my mom to bring me to Wawa (a small food/convenient store). She was shocked. I have to stand for five hours tonight at work so I may as well try to eat something. I managed half a banana and some grapes and I feel like my stomach is going to explode. I also feel like I gained ten pounds. I feel so horrible and so frustrated and emotional. I just want to give up. I don't have my whole fucking life to wait to get into treatment. I'm ready to say "fuck it."




Basically: diagnosed with enteritis and no referral, have an appointment on Wednesday to hopefully get said referral, low glucose and RDW, high blood pressure, blahblahblah.  Went home, cried for several hours, blahblahblah.  Talked to Ollie and told her all about it, blah.  Went to work at 6 and took my mind off of it for a while.  I know I gained weight from what I'd eaten earlier.  At least one pound.  I was up two pounds from this morning when I came home from work.  That means I'm up at least one.  Great.  Well I have until Wednesday to lose it then, and hopefully a couple more.  Just a couple.

Tomorrow I wanted to hang out with my best friend Deb, but now she doesn't know if she can so I don't know.  That means sit in the house all day.  Oh joy.  I really hope she can though.  I haven't seen her since my dad died in November.  On Sunday I was supposed to see my friend Ami, but I don't know if that will happen now either because I have to work.  On Monday my social worker wants to come see me.

I'm so freaking exhausted.  But can't sleep.  Lovely.

Here we go... maybe?

I went to work and I was okay for the whole five hours.  I told Tim I'm going to the ER tomorrow morning and don't know if they'll keep me to stabilize me or whatever.  So I don't know if I will be coming into work tomorrow.  I had to tell someone to get me a tentative coverage for my shift.  They couldn't find anyone so if I do end up staying tomorrow then they'll be a cashier short for the night.  That sucks for them.  I really don't want to work tomorrow, I feel too shitty.  My mom is taking me to the ER first thing in the morning before she goes to work, but after we go buy three packs of cigarettes in case they admit me directly after they stabilize me.  I really don't know what will happen, but I want to be prepared for anything that could happen.  They could just check me out and tell me I'm fucked up and give me a referral and I can go.  I don't know.  But I'm relieved I'm going and getting a big part of this done with.  I'm so tired and out of it, I can barely type.  I keep having to use backspace a million times.  I'm chilling out in bed for the rest of the night...

Ughhhhh

I kept that pound lost.  I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed.  It's my mom's birthday.  I sat around and then called my social worker.  I told her the place I called yesterday doesn't take my insurance.  I called Jenn from the hospital and she said I can go to the ER and probably get a referral there if they're willing.  My social worker said I sounded like shit on the phone and she wanted me to go to the ER today.  I told her my mom would be really mad because it's her birthday.  She called my mom and my mom told her she won't take me today but probably tomorrow.  I really don't want to go to work today.  I still need to get in the shower and then be ready by 1:30.  That gives me an hour.  My mom is coming home from work soon and will probably be back by 1.  I feel like shit.  My social worker told me I really need to eat something besides popsicles because I'm upsetting her.  So I had two popsicles and right now I'm forcing myself to eat 1/4 cup of dry Special K Red Berries.  It's the only other fat free thing in the house besides the popsicles and skim milk, which I don't want.  That's why I'm eating it dry.  Plus it's less calories.  I hate this shit.

Fuckkkkk

My social worker never called me back.  I took a shower after my little brother got home and ate a popsicle.  I really felt too shitty to work.  I went in and told Jenn that I feel like shit.  I went in the back to talk to Sabrina and tell her that I probably won't be leaving on Monday like I wanted to.  I told her I still need a referral from a doctor.  She told me there's a doctor across the street but didn't know the name.  I looked it up when I got home and I'm going to call tomorrow to see if they take my insurance.  Anyway, I told her I've been having trouble standing for many hours because of medical complications.  I also told her I felt like crap today.  She said she'll give me less hours and less days until I come back from the hospital.  She also said I could leave at 8:30, giving me a three hour shift with no break (you need at least four hours for a break).  I went on register and after a couple of hours I felt better.  I just had stomach pains.  But I didn't feel like I was going to fall over like I did when I went in.  I left at 8:30 and my mom picked me up.

I came home and went online for a bit and then changed and weighed myself.  I lost a pound, FINALLY.  That gives me hope that I could possibly lose another by morning, but not getting my hopes up too high.  I probably screwed it up already though because I ended up drinking like, 8oz of water since I got home.  I'm having the nasty stomach problems again so I'm glad I came home when I did because I've been in and out of the bathroom all night.

I've been talking to Shannon (the girl from work I went with to get her hair done) online.  I told her I left work early again because I was supposed to leave at 11:15 and she asked me who gave me a ride.  She asked why I keep leaving early and I told her I've been having medical issues.  She asked what kind and I told her chest pains and stomach problems.  She asked why and I told her I don't know and I have to see a doctor.  Then she asked if I want to go to the mall with her next Friday and I said I'm not sure if I'll be around because I'm going on vacation for a few weeks.  Totally unbelievable because we're not allowed to go for that long, especially people on probation like me.  Then she asked if I'm not telling her something and if there's a reason I'm sick and not telling her.  I asked her what she heard and she just wanted to know what's wrong.  I told her I'd tell her after she told me who told her what.  She said she heard I was taking diet pills (the diuretics, which I haven't taken in a couple of weeks now).  Apparently the other Shannon who is a CSR told her one night.  I have no clue how she would know anything because I only bought them in front of Jenn.  Apparently there are rumors about me at work.  She kept bugging me to tell her what's going on.  I told her to swear on her life not to tell anyone.  I told her I'm getting treatment for my eating disorder and that's what my "vacation" is.  She said she pretty much knew I had one.  Awesome.  I'm really upset now because half of my co-workers know something, even though they are rumors, they are true without them knowing it and I don't feel comfortable now.  Now they're going to know something's up when I leave for a few weeks.  And then they're going to see me a million pounds heavier when I come back and definitely know.  I'm so frustrated right now :(  I really didn't want anyone else to know.  I fucking hate this.  I fucking hate having an eating disorder.  I hate myself for not being good at keeping it top secret.  I'm not even that thin that people would look at me and know.  Plus I wear extra baggy clothes and long baggy sleeves to cover myself up.  Fuck this.

I'm going to bed and I'd better still be 15.4 BMI or lower when I wake up.  I hope this water didn't fuck me over.  I'm so mad right now.  Now I have to wait longer to go inpatient and I can't take this shit anymore.  I can't take the effect it's having on every aspect of my life.  I just want to go now and get it the fuck over with. And tomorrow is my mom's birthday.  Woo hoo.  Peace out.

Phone tag is just so fun

So Ollie emailed me back for my number.  I gave it to her and twenty minutes later or so she called me.  The first thing she said was, "Girl, what is your problem?" which made me smile.  I told her everything and we talked for about half an hour.  It really made my day to talk to her.

My social worker called me while I was napping (I've been lying down all day with no energy) and told me my insurance number.  I told her I have to see a physician and get a referral.  I gave her Jenn from Brandywine's number to call because she said Mike didn't answer his phone.  She told me to call my old pediatrician to make an appointment and she'll call Jenn and then to call her back.  I called and they asked what kind of Medicaid I have and I said I'm not sure and they told me it has to have their doctor's name on the card.  I thought that was bizarre.  I tried calling my social worker back for 40 minutes but she was still on the phone and then went on lunch break so I'm waiting for her to call back again.

I'm going to try taking a shower and then go back to lie down until I have to go to work.  Maybe I'll eat a popsicle.

Ollie :)

I woke up around 8 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep so I just got out of bed.  I weighed myself and, surprise, surprise, I maintained.  Again.  It's only a little after 10am right now.  I worked on Ollie's scarf a little and now I'm going to wait for the phone calls to pour in from the hospital and my social worker.

I checked my email a few minutes ago and was overly excited to see that I'd gotten an email from Ollie asking if I was okay and for an update.  I guess they told her I'm coming next week.  I've been emailing her since I left there over the summer but she stopped emailing me back in August.  I kept emailing her anyway until almost two months ago and then gave up.  So I emailed her back an update and am waiting for her reply.  I'm so excited to see her again.  She's my favorite.  She's the reason I decided to become a dietitian when I go to school.  She always called me her "future RD" or mini Ollie.  When I was there last time she snuck me in Mountain Dew every day and then I went through caffeine withdrawal when I left.  She's just all kinds of awesome.

Boring post, will update more later.

Woah, baby

So right after I last posted I got another call from Jenn at the hospital.  She said she talked to the psychiatrist there and he said I need a referral from a physician saying that I require the level of care they provide inpatient.  So now I have to go to a doctor that I don't have.  I called my social worker back and left her a message.  She was supposed to call the hospital back today with my insurance information,  but I won't know if she actually did until I talk to her tomorrow.  This is so unnerving.

I put Jenn's scarf in my purse.  I walked to work and felt like shit.  I got there about 15 minutes early.  I went downstairs to Tim's office.  He was scheduled to be working.  I knocked on the door and heard a woman tell me to come in.  I walk in there and there's this lady who I've never seen before sitting at Tim's desk.  "Hi, Amy, what can I do for you?  Oh, by the way, I'm Erika, the new assistant store manager."  I asked her if Tim was here and she said he's not and if there's anything she can help me with.  I told her he was supposed to call the union yesterday about me going on medical leave without pay.  She tells me I can't go anywhere without a doctor's note first or I'll lose my job.  That's not what Tim told me.  He said I can give it to him when I get it.  I told her I won't be able to get it until I go where I'm going.  She didn't listen and just kept repeating herself.  Whatever.  I went to customer service to get my envelope to be on register.  One of the CSRs, Dinea was there helping a customer.  She told me to look down.  I did, and there was a certificate with my name on it that said "Associate of the Month" with a tee shirt and hat that advertised the soda I gave out almost two weeks ago.  I'm the associate of the freaking month!  How could this be?  I've only been there since January 18, and I'm already the hardest worker?  She says they will need to take my picture to put up.  Great, I just love pictures. I look like shit with acne all over my face.  Ew.  No one wants to look at that.  But that made me really happy.  Before I could count my till, Erika came out of the office and told me to come in the back room with her and Sabrina (the head CSR who no one likes because she's a bitch).  She reiterates the thing about the doctor's note.  Apparently Sabrina knows about what's going on with me because Tim came to her and told her.  Great.  She said I need to call the doctor and ask him to fax Acme a note saying that I will be under his care from such and such date until further notice.  More work for me.  I can't do that until everything with insurance goes through and I get a referral.  Ugh.

I counted my till with Dinea and went on register.  My back hurt so bad, and I'd only been standing for thirty minutes.  Then I lost hearing in my right ear for some reason.  I wasn't asked to go on break until just after 3:30 (three hours into my five hour shift).  I went upstairs and got some money to buy a water.  I figured it shouldn't cost more than a dollar and some change.  I go back downstairs and look in the little refrigerators.  There are only two cold brands of water - Dasani and Aquafina.  They're both $1.65.  That's ridiculous.  I go up to Dinea and ask if we have any other cold water for a dollar because that's all I brought down with me.  She gave me sixty cents instead.  I normally wouldn't drink the water, but I had cotton mouth so bad that I had white film on my lips and I was talking weird.  I went outside for my cigarette.  I came back from break and on register.  Jenn came in at 4:30.  I texted her last night telling her that I had a surprise for her, but she never texted me back so I wasn't sure if she got it.  She said hi to me and told me she had something for me too.  So I guess she did get it.  I got off at 5:30 and took my till back to Jenn so we talked and got caught up with each other.  I told her about the phone calls to the hospital and all that good crap.  After we counted my till she pulled out a bag from a drawer where she keeps her things.  Inside was two different yarns and some crochet hooks.  She said she's tried to learn but doesn't have the patience so she wanted me to have it.  I thanked her and went upstairs to get my things after clocking out.  I came back down with her little package I made.  "What is this?"  she asked.  I told her it's a surprise.  She said it'd better be homemade because she likes homemade things and hopes I didn't spend money on her.  I wouldn't tell her.  She read the card and smiled.  It said that I'm glad I can talk to her and appreciate her support.  Then she started opening the package.  "It is homemade," I told her.  She opens it and a giant smile forms on her face.  She said she loves it.  I was so happy she liked it.  It's red, her favorite color.  She gave me a hug and we chit-chatted until I left. And I did manage to get enough money for those popsicles after all, so I bought them.

I got in the car and told my mom about being associate of the month.  She said, "Cool," and didn't seem too thrilled.  She told me she bought me more milk because she drank the rest of my other quart.  I got mad because that means now I have to drink it.  We got home and I put my stuff down.  I decided I should have a popsicle.  I went in the other room and called Erica to tell her the good news.  She could only talk for fifteen minutes because she was on break at work.  Then I called Ami but she was eating dinner so she said she'd call me back.  I decided to grab the suitcase from my mom's room and start packing small things.  I packed a couple of shirts and my sketch book and string for making bracelets.  I went in the kitchen to grab my empty medication bottles and put them in a sandwich bag.  I shoved all that stuff in the front pocket of the suitcase.  We can only bring one suitcase apparently, but I'm determined to make everything fit, even though it's kind of a small suitcase.  I had some energy somehow and randomly thought I should have a bowl of Special K.  I went in the kitchen and measured out my cup of Special K with a half cup of skim milk.  I didn't care that my mom was sitting right there staring at me.  Instead of sitting down to eat, I went into the bathroom, closed the door and walked around while I ate it.  Then I felt guilty.  I need to go for a walk.  I was actually supposed to be taking a nap, but I needed to burn this stupid cereal off.  After the cereal I was at 206 calories for the day. I grabbed my Nikes and my sensor for the iPod, put it in my left sneaker, grabbed my iPod, a hoodie and my coat and out the door I went.  I reset my weight so I could more accurately know what I'm burning.  I set it for 200 calorie workout and off I went.  I walked around the neighborhood for 46 minutes and burned 206 calories exactly.  I came home and wanted to get in the shower.  I brought in a change of clothes to the bathroom and went to the bathroom.  The house phone in the other room was ringing.  I told my little brother to answer it.  It was Ami calling me back.  I had him tell her to call my cell.  She called me and two seconds later Jenn called so I told Ami I would call her back.  I ended up talking to Jenn for an hour and never called Ami back.  I feel bad, but it was 10pm when I got off the phone with Jenn so I guess I'll just call her tomorrow.

I stepped on the scale before Jenn called and it said I gained two pounds.  What the fuck.  When I stepped on it after I got off with her it said I only gained one pound.  Better fucking be water weight.  I want to lose a pound.  I actually want to lose four more pounds at least before treatment but I don't see that happening at the rate my body is going.  I've maintained this weight for about five days now.  This is so frustrating.  Now I'm scared that I gained the tiniest bit of muscle from walking and will gain weight from it.  I just can't win.

So I'm going to go to bed soon I guess.  I have all day tomorrow for the phone call BS once again.  I don't work until 5:30 tomorrow.  I want this all sorted out.  I need to go to this stupid doctor.  I know doctor's office scales make you weigh like, two pounds more.  So I want to lose two pounds before I go to the doctor.  Grr.

Eh.

I feel like shit today.  I guess that weight I gained yesterday was only water weight because I'm back down to a 15.5 BMI today.  I haven't eaten yet but I plan on having my last popsicle before I walk to work.  Maybe I can scrounge up some change to buy more popsicles, but I don't think I have enough.

The hospital just called me to check up on the insurance issue.  I told the guy that my social worker has the number and plans on calling him back today.  Two minutes later I got another call from the hospital.  It was my old therapist Jenn (everyone's freaking name is Jenn).  She said she heard that I was planning on coming in and she wanted to call to see if I was okay.  I told her everything that's been going on since I left last summer.  She told me they'll work on getting me in on Monday but I need proof that I'm no longer being covered by my mom's insurance.  My social worker told me last week that I'm still coming up in the system under her insurance, but that's impossible because at the beginning of this year my mom's job switched insurance companies and she didn't pay to cover me.  I called my worker back and told her that and that the hospital needs proof of that but she still insisted that I'm in the system under my mom's insurance but that she'll look into it and take care of everything today and call me tomorrow.  I'm glad my old therapist called me.  I hope she's my therapist this time.

I'm going to eat a popsicle and leave for work in about 40 minutes.  I hope Jenn likes her scarf.  I hope I can stand for four hours with no problems.  I hope I can hold out until Monday.

YES.

So.  My mom came home late, almost five o'clock.  When she did I came in the kitchen where she was and grabbed her phone.  She has my social worker's cell number on there (my social worker won't give me her cell number because she thinks I'll call her too much - she's probably right).  I called and she finally answered.  She didn't go into the office today.  That explains a lot.  I told her everything and she said they finally got my insurance number.  She told me to call her office and leave a voicemail with the guy's name and number to call.  She's going to call tomorrow morning and call me back before 11 if she talks to him.  I'm so glad this is going somewhere.

I finished knitting Jenn's scarf and I put it in a paper bag with her name on it and bundled it up in red yarn like a present.  I'm going to give it to her tomorrow.  I hope she likes it.  I started knitting the blue scarf for Ollie.  I know she'll love it.

I didn't eat very well today.  I ended up having only three popsicles, which is only 72 calories.  I'm scared to eat solid food.  It's almost like I can't.  It takes to much effort to do the whole chewing and swallowing ordeal.  I feel like shit.  I keep telling myself I'm going to have a bowl of Special K, but never do.  Maybe I'll do it tomorrow morning before I have to walk to work.  I hope I have enough energy for work tomorrow, and no chest pains.  I can't keep leaving for chest pains, they'll think I'm ridiculous.  Just one more week and then I'm going inpatient.  I just have to hold out for one more week and try to keep breathing and living.  That sounded dramatic, but it's really day-by-day for me right now.  Sometimes hour-by-hour.  But I have to make it through to next week without getting fucked up.  My body can only take so much.

So frustrated

I had a horrible time falling asleep last night.  I went to lay down around 11:30 and didn't end up falling asleep for two hours because I couldn't get comfortable.  I can't sleep on my side anymore because my hip bones hurt when I lie on them.  I woke up around 8:30 this morning and went to the bathroom.  I'm mad because I'm peeing barely anything if at all.  It's like I have to force myself to take a piss.  Wtf.  Scale time was not fun today.  It says I gained two pounds, but what the fuck is that from?  The 395 calories I had yesterday?  I don't like the water weight theory - it just makes me not want to drink and I'm always thirsty.  I still don't drink enough.  I've been having around 16oz a day because I feel so bloated when I drink even a little sip.  Anyway, I was mad.  I still don't know if my scale is broken or not, which makes me even more mad because I need to know how much I weigh.  What if I go inpatient and they find out I weigh five more pounds than I told them?  This is really bugging me.  I want my Biggest Loser scale, but it's at my best friend's house 30 minutes away and she never has time to see me.  I can't tell by looking in the mirror, of course.  One minute I look "normal" and the next I look fat.  Mostly fat.  I never look skinny.  If I really did gain two pounds, that makes my BMI 15.9 and I don't like that.  This is driving me crazy.

I called my social worker around 9:30 and she didn't answer so I paged her.  One of her covering workers picked up and she said she'd tell her that I called, and that she hadn't come in the office yet.  I told her to say it's urgent.  I sat in bed and knit my scarf.  I want to finish it today.  A little after 11 I called again and left her a voicemail.  Basically, it's after four in the afternoon now and she hasn't called still or picked up the other three times I've called.  Either she's not in the office today, really busy, or ignoring me for some reason.  I can only be around to talk to her tomorrow before 11am because I have work at 12:30 and have to leave at noon which gives me an hour to get ready.  This is really frustrating me.  I expected her to call me today and I get nothing.  I really hate that.  It's a control thing.  I'm a total control freak.

I'm hoping to go out with my friend Ami tonight so I've showered and dressed already.  I think she gets off from work after 6 so I will wait for her to call me then.  Meanwhile I'm going to finish my scarf and start a new one that I plan on giving to the nutritionist at the hospital when I go (if this stupid shit ever gets settled and if people answer their fucking phones).  I bought this really pretty dark turquoise yarn that I was going to use for myself but then I had a dream about the nutritionist, Ollie, last night and remembered that her favorite color is blue (it's seriously pretty much the only color she wears) so I decided to make it for her.  It will be a peace offering when she sees me and wants to kick my ass for coming back inpatient.  I always make her something when I go (I've been there twice before).  She's my favorite :)

I have such a boring life right now.  And I hate going on my mom's computer in the kitchen because she cooked spaghetti last night and she was extremely drunk and kept dropping her spaghetti on the floor so now the kitchen smells like pasta sauce and Parmesan cheese.  It's not a lovely smell.  Ick.

Fuck you too

I woke up today around 9 and felt better than yesterday as far as the chest pains go.  I still have the other problem a bit, but not as bad as it was yesterday.  I really felt weak though so I stayed in bed most of the day and used the little energy I had to knit a scarf.  I finally decided around noon that I should try to eat something.  I felt like I wasn't able to eat solid food so I had a popsicle and a yogurt for its potassium.  I went back in my bed and put on my iPod and all I heard from the kitchen was screaming.  My older brother has been up my mom's ass because she has a new phone and he must be jealous or something because all he does is tell her it's a bad phone and all this other shit.  I'm so fucking sick of him.  So I got up and went out there and went off on him.  I tried screaming but I didn't have a lot of energy in me so it was kind of soft for a scream.  We were about to go at it and then I started seeing spots and got dizzy so I had to sit down.  My heart was beating so fast and hard I thought it would pop out of my chest, which then started to hurt because I was having a panic attack.  I was struggling to breathe and tears were pouring down my face like a rain storm.  My mom was trying to calm me down and my older brother just left the room and slammed his door.  My little brother came out to help comfort me and I finally caught my breath and lit a cigarette.  I went back in bed and knit my scarf some more and took a nap.  I got up a little later and got in the shower.  I saw that the scale was moved sideways.  I figured my older brother was fucking with it to get back at me.  I stepped on and it said I weighed six pounds less than I did this morning.  He definitely did something.  My scale automatically calibrates itself so I didn't know how to fix it.  I went online and looked it up.  I ended up taking out the battery and putting it back in.  It seemed to go back to normal.  Thank God.

I went on Facebook from my iPod and saw that my older brother made a status saying "Fuck you... its about time I showed you I am fucking better then you...If you can't talk shit out in a collective manner. Then there is no fucking point in trying.. If you hold in to things from the past, their is no point in trying.. It's a fucking waste of time and effort on my end.. You let yourself become emotional when talking, and you just lost.. I am better then both of you for that.. Because I can cope, you can't."
(I took some of it out)  So I thought that was real nice.  Yeah, you're so much fucking better than everyone here.  Well fuck you.  Because you're a low life bastard who thinks that things will just be handed to you and you can live off of your mother whom you treat like shit and expect the world from anyway.  Get a fucking grip on reality.  You're twenty-three years old and you need to grow the fuck up and get a life.  Or a job.  Whichever comes first, because you don't have either.  By the way, your grammar and spelling sucks, dumbass.

After that I was still feeling weak even though I'd eaten a yogurt and popsicle.  So I had another popsicle.  A little later I had almost two servings of my fat free Pringles and two pouches of fruit snacks.  I'm out of safe foods now except for my Special K.  I totaled just under 400 calories for the day.  I'm mad at myself but I had to do it.  Tomorrow I have off again and it's Monday so I have to call my social worker and see what's the deal with my insurance.  Hopefully this can be straightened out by Wednesday or so and I'll be able to go to the hospital by next Monday.  I'm scared I might gain weight by tomorrow.  I feel bloated and icky.  I shouldn't have to force myself to eat.  It's much easier to lie in bed all day and do nothing.  I lost my hunger cues anyway so it doesn't bother me.

Tomorrow night my friend Ami might come see me.  She was going to come today but she still feels sick so she'll try tomorrow when she gets done work.  I told her I was going back in the hospital (she knows all about this because she used to be my advocate when I was a minor).  She asked if I wanted to go out to dinner and I thought she was kidding but I told her no.  So I don't know what we'll do.  Maybe see a movie.

Today was such a shitty day.  Tomorrow starts a new week and I have a lot to finish taking care of for inpatient.  Yay, more stress.

What a lovely day

Woke up at 9 this morning because my mom was taking me to the mall so I could buy new jeans and so she could spoil herself with her bonus check.  I weighed myself and I lost another pound.  My mom got her new cell phone in the mail while I was in the shower.  She had no clue how to work it.  She got the Samsung Intercept which is way too high-tech for a 49-year-old.  We left around noon and first she wanted to go to the Sprint store to get her new phone activated and old one deactivated and transfer all her contacts.  I decided to wait in the car because I didn't feel good anyway.  I ended up waiting for her for about 45 minutes.  Then we went to A.C. Moore so she could get glue sticks for her glue gun and I could get yarn for knitting for when I leave.  I finally found the perfect yarn that I had before but didn't know what it was.  It's super soft, but it's not baby yarn.  It's 100% acrylic and it's so awesome.  I got red and turquoise.  The red is for the scarf I'm going to make for Jenn while I'm the hospital because that's her favorite color.  Even though it's not going to be cold enough for a scarf by then, and pretty much isn't cold enough anymore now, I still want to make it for her.  Then we went to this perfume store called Ulta so my mom could waste $70 on some shitty perfume.  Finally we went to the mall.  I was feeling really icky and hadn't eaten or drank anything yet so I went to the food area and bought a small blue raspberry lemonade mixer from Auntie Anne's.  I knew it would be a lot of calories, but I didn't want to risk passing out at the mall.  I later found out that it's 240 calories of pure sugar :(  I went to Wet Seal to see if they still had $15 jeans on sale.  They were still on sale, but they were now $19.50 (as opposed to $26.50), so I bought two pairs.  I was going to buy my usual size, but I bought two US size 5s instead because I figured I'm going to gain some weight in treatment and it would be pointless to buy "sick jeans" right before I go.  Then I went back downstairs to DEB and saw they had panties on sale 5 for $10 so I bought five and met my mom at the car.  We got home and took all the tags off of everything and threw them in the washer.  Then I started getting ready for work.

I left for work at quarter to five.  I'm scheduled to bag today.  I basically bagged and mopped up an entire aisle that was half covered with a soda spill and have covered with muddy feet tracks.  Then I went on break.  I went to the bathroom and, for the fourth time today so far at that point, had the runs.  Then my chest started hurting.  It hurt last night, but it went away then, so I just figured I would ignore it.  I went back downstairs and started stocking some shelves.  My chest was still hurting, and it was worse than last night.  I kept going anyway, hoping it would just go away.  About 30 minutes of consistent chest pains, I went up to customer service and told the CSR, Shannon (not the one I went to get her hair done with), that I think I should go home early because I really don't feel good and my chest hurts.  I agreed to take out the trash first and then leave at 8 rather than 9.  I called my mom and told her to come get me.

When I got in the car she was mad.  She wouldn't talk to me.  I told her I'm not fired or in trouble or anything.  We got home and she asked what happened.  I told her about the chest pains that wouldn't stop and the diarrhea and she just got mad at said, "Well that's what happens when you starve yourself."  Very helpful, Mom.  She insisted I shove something down my throat.  I told her no.  I went to the bathroom about seven times since then, and that was only a little over two hours ago.  I felt feverish for a while, but that's starting to go away.  I drank a cup of skim milk because it has a lot of potassium so I hope it helps.  Well, it did a little so far already so that's good.  I think I'm going to be fine.  It's just annoying going to the bathroom literally every 5-10 minutes.  I called Jenn and talked to her for about thirty minutes.  She said Tim told her that he's going to ask about having me leave on "Medical leave of absence without pay" or something.  So we'll find out next week I guess.  She told me she definitely wants to come see me in the hospital, but I told her it's already an hour and ten minutes from my house.  She said she doesn't care.  That made me happy.  It will be really cool to have a visitor.  My mom won't visit me because she hates driving and that's way, way, way too far for her.  Out of all my five inpatients, totaling about 6 months altogether, she's visited me twice and barely called or answered her phone when I called her.  But I don't care.  Whatever.

I hope I feel better tomorrow.  I have off until Tuesday.  I'm supposed to see my friend Ami tomorrow, but I'm waiting for her to call me back still.  Ugh.

Finally today is over

I went into work at 4:30 and Jenn came in right after.  We went into Tim's office and closed the door.  "Amy needs to talk to you about something."  I was nervous.  He said just to say it and it would stay in the four walls.  Basically Jenn ended up saying everything for me.  "Amy is suffering from Anorexia.  Amy is going to seek treatment.  She will be gone expectedly for two to three weeks.  She is scared she will lose her job."  And then a bunch of stuff to back up what a good worker I am.  Tim said I have every quality of a good associate and he wished every associate were like me.  I don't know why he felt like kissing my ass, probably felt bad or something.  The second after she said I have AN though he wouldn't stop looking at me, as if to judge if I'm really that skinny.  I pulled my shirt sleeves down to hide my small arms and tiny wrists.  He asked when I was going and I told him probably the week of the 14th and through the rest of the month.  He has to call some number, I'm guessing the union, to OK it.  He said he'll get back to me on Monday, but I don't go back until Tuesday (besides tomorrow when he's not there).  Jenn said if he sees her first then he can tell her and she'll call me.  I'm not sure if she's working on Monday.

I was on register tonight, which makes me happy because the time goes by so much faster.  I went on break halfway through my shift and smoked a cigarette after cashing my paycheck.  When I came back in my chest started to hurt.  I figured it might have been irritated from smoking, but then again, I'm a pack-a-day smoker so I don't see why that would be if that never usually happens.  I tried to ignore it and just went back on my register.  I was scheduled to leave at 8:30.  Around 8 it started getting slow.  I saw some bananas on the desk at customer service that needed to be returned.  I thought if I ate one it might make my chest pains go away, in case it's a potassium issue.  I told Jenn I was going to take one and put it at my register until I had to leave at 8:30.  I told her I was having some chest pains and I thought it would help.  She told me not to wait, to buy it right then and there and eat it.  I told her I can wait the half-hour, and my money was upstairs in my locker anyway.  She pulled out a dollar from her coat pocket in the drawer at the desk and gave it to me.  "Go, hurry up."  I went to self-scan and paid 26 cents.  I came back and gave her the change and then hid behind my register, ducked down so no one could see me eat this stupid banana.  I did feel better after, and my chest feels fine now.  I'm just mad because I have a thing against eating things that come in different sizes and therefore are harder to judge what's in them.  But I just guesstimated around 90-100 calories.  I clocked out at 8:30 and brought my till to the back to be counted by Jenn.  I ended up counting it actually.  We were rushing because I closed my register just 7 minutes before I had to leave.  You're supposed to do it fifteen minutes before.  We finished in time and I clocked out at 8:29 and went to get my things.  I pulled out my shopping list and got ready to buy all these things for inpatient, and some other stuff.  I spent almost $100 on crystal light, gum, two bags of Lifesavers, shampoo and conditioner, a new toothbrush holder, a soap bar holder, travel-sized toothpaste, a new razor and shaving cream, two $20 minute cards, Special K, and a $25 gift card to Bath&Body Works for my mom's birthday.  I like buying things, it makes me excited.  Even if it's just stupid stuff like food and toiletries.

I came home and put my crap down and I've been hanging around.  I ate one turkey dog plain by itself and had another popsicle (I had three altogether before work).  So I'm around 240 calories for the day.  That's less than yesterday, but I feel like I ate a lot.  I need to eat my cereal because the milk will go bad, but I don't like eating it anymore because even though it's fat free and a serving of it with the milk is only 158 calories, it makes me feel so fat and uncomfortable.  Lately I've noticed my body is having a hard time with carbs.  I always feel icky physically when I eat them.  And I mean like, grains and stuff.  Like cereal and bread.  That's why I stick to my popsicles and fruit snacks.  So I will try to eat a bowl of cereal in the morning I guess.  Maybe.  My mom is taking me to the mall if she feels good tomorrow morning because she got her bonus check and I need new jeans for inpatient because we're not allowed to have belts.  The reason she kind of doesn't want to go tomorrow is because there's supposed to be some cast member from the "Twilight" movies there signing autographs all day tomorrow and it will be super crowded more than usual.  My mom hates crowds and she hates driving.  But I hope we go.  I don't know what I'll do all day Sunday because I have off.  If it's nice out I'll probably go for a walk.  Actually I just remembered my former worker Ami asked me earlier this week if I have a day off this weekend so I just messaged her on Facebook and told her to call me if Sunday's okay with her.  That will be nice.  I haven't seen her since December.  And now she's pregnant, which is so awesome because she's been trying for so long but her estrogen was too low to fertilize an egg so she got injections and now she's pregnant.  Cool.  Yeah so then I'll have to tell her about going IP again.  At least she might come visit, maybe.  She always visited me at other hospitals but now she's always busy.  I used to see her every Sunday for a visit until her job made her work 7 days a week.  That sucks.

Anyway, I'm probably going to go to bed soon.  Erica gets off at midnight and wants me to call her right after for a little until she gets home and goes to bed.  After that I'll probably hit the sack.

FUCKING FINALLY

I tried calling the lines for admission a few more times with unsurprisingly, no answer.  I was talking to Abbe online and my friend Erica on the phone at the same time.  Erica suggested I call the hospital's main line and asked to be transferred to the EDU.  I call and get transferred to the nurse's station and tell the nurse there that I've been trying to call for a few days and no one is returning my calls so she transferred me to this other guy who I suppose was in charge of admissions for now at least.  He said the program director (which would be the psychiatrist) is on vacation so that's probably why I didn't get an answer.  I gave him some background information and he asked why I think I should be admitted and I told him I think I would really benefit from the inpatient treatment and that I couldn't get other care anywhere and that I've tried and failed to do this by myself.  The only thing he needs now is my insurance information, so he gave me his direct number and said he put my file on hold until I get him the information.  I tried calling my social worker and she didn't answer but when I paged her I was transferred to her supervisor.  I told her what's going on and she said to call back in about an hour.  So I'm going to call back around 2pm.  Meanwhile I'm probably going to hop in the shower and maybe have a popsicle.  Now I just have to deal with this meeting tonight with Jenn and Tim.  I feel so much better for now.  Now I just have to wait a week or a week and a half to go.  GIANT SIGH OF RELIEF.

The waiting game: Day 2

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.  I was up online talking to my friend Abbe who I met in treatment until after two in the morning.  I love talking to Abbe because she's been through treatment so many times and she has so much knowledge and stories about it.  I told her how I feel like I'm getting worse since I decided to go to treatment and she told me it's completely normal and she feels that way before treatment, too.  I didn't feel good last night and I was starving and had my thoughts on the 24-calorie popsicles in the freezer.  I told her I wanted one but it was after midnight and that's way too late to be eating anything, even a popsicle.  She said it won't hurt me and I'll probably piss it out in the morning because it's just frozen flavored water and it's only 24 calories.  She convinced me it was okay to eat one, so I did and I stayed talking to her.  We talk a lot about patients we both know and especially the ones who are 'wannas' and just want a tube down their throat and don't try.  We were talking about one girl in particular who keeps lying out of her ass about treatment, saying she was in the ICU and being transferred to the place I'm about to go to and that she's going involuntary (first lie - it's a voluntary facility) and they'll tube her (second lie - they don't tube there anymore unless you're seriously, dangerously underweight, which she's not).  Really this girl was just pissing me off and I wasn't even the one talking to her.  But I enjoy talking to Abbe, especially late at night when I can't sleep because she's an insomniac herself.

I woke up around 8:30 this morning so I could be awake enough to call the hospital again at 9, not like I thought they would answer.  They didn't.  I'm going to wait until the afternoon and see if they call, and if not I'll leave another message.  This is truly ridiculous.

I weighed myself this morning and it shows that I've maintained but I'm not taking it to heart yet because I never weigh myself this early so I'm waiting until about ten o'clock to weigh again.  Even though I've reached my UGW yesterday, I told myself I just want to lose two or three more pounds in case the scale is lying because I don't want to go to the hospital saying I'm a certain weight and be wrong because my scale is fucked up and telling me I weigh less than I do.  So this is a safe bet.

I don't have work until 4:30 or a little earlier if Jenn gets off her first job early and can pick me up early so we can meet with Tim.  So I will spend the day loafing around and waiting for this stupid phone call and being pissed off just like I was yesterday.  What fun.

This is so ANNOYING.

Today I lost another pound.  I reached my UGW (or the one that I'd originally intended... after I reached the first one I "originally" intended :\) finally, even though I'm still convinced the scale is lying.  I sat around this morning until about 10am when I decided to try calling the hospital again.  No answer.  I called all morning.  I'm getting really pissed.  The woman didn't call me back at all.  I'll call again at 9am tomorrow and hope someone answers, and probably leave another message eventually.  I want this to get done because I'm already starting to have second thoughts.

I started out eating just my popsicles (I had two), and then I had some fruit snacks and a serving of light Pringles.  Right there is 188 calories.  Then I remembered I told myself I was supposed to eat a bowl of cereal today.  I didn't really want to, because that would be too much.  Well, I did.  And I had two servings.  So 232 more calories, making my intake 504 for the day.  Fuck.  At least it was all before like, 2pm-ish.

My friends Stephanie and Chris came over because I actually bought some weed from her (for my brothers) so she was delivering it.  They sat in my brother's room and smoked for a bit and I called Jenn to tell her how my mom reacted to the letter and to talk about our meeting tomorrow.  She said if she gets off her first job early she'll come pick me up early because we both go in at the same time.  Anyway, we went to this place called Grounds for Sculpture around the corner for my house.  It's just as it sounds - a grounds for sculptures.  It was nice.  There were tons of peacocks there, which was cool because I'd never seen a real peacock before.  I finally started freezing so I asked if we could leave since the place was going to close soon anyway.  Well Stephanie wanted to go to Wawa to get something to eat.  She also knows about my ED, as we used to be really close.  She kept asking me if I wanted something, but I said I would eat when I got home because that's where we were headed next.  She dropped me off and I went inside and pretty much that was it.

I called my friend Erica and we talked for a whlie.  I tried calling my old school social worker because it's her birthday but she didn't answer so I left her a message.  I spent most of the night on the computer talking to a friend I'd met in treatment.  She's been to the hospital I'm about to go to so she's telling me a lot of details about it.  I'm still really anxious about this.  I really, really hope I can talk to someone tomorrow so I don't have to wait the whole entire weekend and know nothing.  This is driving me crazy.  Hopefully my meeting at work will go well tomorrow.  This has been one hell of a week, and it's not even over quite yet...

That much closer to real

I finally decided to leave a message with the head nurse of the eating disorder's unit at the hospital.  I left my name and number and said that I have questions about the admissions process.  I'm hoping to get a call back tomorrow.

I went to work at 5.  My mom dropped me off and I handed her the letter.  "Read this when you get home."  She shoved it in her pocket and nodded, then drove away.  I talked to Jenn on my break and told her that I'm not pregnant and about the letter I wrote to my mom and called the hospital.  She said she's really proud of me.  We both aren't working until Friday at 4:30 (I swear they made our schedules identical this week) and Tim leaves at 5 so she offered even before I asked to talk to him with me.  My mom picked me up and I asked if she read the letter.  I was afraid she would forget and then say, "Oh, yeah!  No, I didn't." but she did read it.  I was somewhat surprised at her response.  She said she's glad I'm doing this on my own and making an adult decision to get better.  She went on about how I need to learn to deal with things because life will be hard, blah, blah.  Good enough.  I told her it would be easier if I felt like I could talk about my dad without being shut out and having everyone else so angry because they didn't like him.  She said she feels differently about it and she needs to work out her anger.  That was that.

I'm a giant step closer.  Now the only things left to worry about is the call back from the hospital and the meeting with Tim and Jenn.  And getting my insurance card.  Then I'm set.  But I know I won't be able to sleep until this process is all over.  I'm going to try not to lose too much more weight, but being this anxious is making it even harder to eat.  I still haven't been doing well.  I fasted on Sunday and Monday and ate over 500 yesterday but burned 200 and didn't eat after 12:30.  Today I only had two popsicles (48 calories) and that was all before 3pm.  I bought more popsicles and I bought more skim milk because I'm going to try to eat a bowl of Special K tomorrow morning.  I'm just terrified of gaining weight.  I know that's what's going to happen when I go to the hospital, but I'm scared to do it now on my own.  I want to get better.  I just want to be comfortable with myself.  I've been hospitalized four times for my ED - you'd think I'd get it by now.  But it's almost like I forget everything I learn in the hospital.  It's like it's all overpowered by the eating disordered thoughts.  I don't know.  And I don't know how it will work when I get out and come back to this house and struggle to find somewhere for outpatient or even just a therapist.  I want this to work.

Nervous wreck

I finally talked to my social worker.  She has to get me a new Medicaid card with a new number before I can be admitted.  But she told me I need to call the hospital and get information about an admission.  I have never admitted myself before.  I've always been referred or gone through the emergency room.  I'm a nervous wreck on the phone, and this is making me very anxious.  They have an admissions triage line and a line to the head nurse of the unit.  I tried calling both and there was no answer and I'm not someone who likes to leave messages (I always screw up what I want to say and blank out and hang up).  So I will call back again probably in about ten minutes.  I already went through some clothes to bring.  I need to buy more socks and pants.  I realized that none of my pants fit except for the ones I just bought.  The rest are US size 9, which I used to fit in when I was 125-144lbs.  I don't have anything smaller except a size 5, which I will pack.  I'm packing a size 9 anyway, because I really don't have anything else.  I suppose I can pack my two pairs of work pants, but one of them needs a belt.  I'm honestly not sure if we're allowed to have belts there, but I guess I'll ask.  In that case I'll end up bringing the other size 9s.  I need more socks.  I have a plethora of shirts to bring.  I'm just so anxious.  I'm smoking the last cigarette in the house and I won't be able to have another one until my mom comes home after 4  right before I go to work.  I'm sure I'll need another one when I get off the phone with the hospital.  I'm nervous of what they'll say.  What if my weight isn't low enough?  What if they won't let me in because I don't have amenorrhea?  What if they don't have a bed open for a while?  I'm at 76% of my IBW, which technically fits the criteria, but I'm scared.  I've gone to this place (while it was located at a different hospital) at higher weights than I am now both times, so I guess I'm low enough.  I don't know why I'm so scared and nervous.  I just want this to work.

This is going to be an interesting day

I wrote a letter to my mom last night to tell her about my decision to go inpatient.  I plan on giving it to her tonight when she drops me off at work and have her read it when she gets home.  I'm a little anxious about what her response will be.  I'm still waiting to hear from my social worker so I can get the ball rolling.  I don't plan on going until after my mom's birthday on the tenth.  I haven't been able to sleep well the last few days (worse than usual) because I can't stop thinking about this.  I really want this to work.  Today I'm going to talk to Jenn about talking to Tim and see if she would be willing to be there with me for support.  I have so many mixed emotions right now and it's driving me crazy.

I made a list of things to bring inpatient.  A friend who's been there told me they don't allow patients to bring more than seven outfits because apparently people are trying to make it more "homey" and this is supposedly unhealthy.  So I have on my list: 7 outfits, med bottles (they're empty but I need to have proof of what I'm on so I can go back on them without question), toiletries, journals & pens, iPod/charger, 3 packs of cigarettes, 1 stuffed animal, drawings & sketch pad/colored pencils, string to make bracelets/yarn and knitting needles, cell phone & extra minutes for it.  I'm pretty sure that's all I'll need.  I don't plan on staying for more than 2-3 weeks.  Hopefully everything will go over with my boss and I can keep my job.  If not, then I'm reconsidering going inpatient.  My job is very important and I've worked too hard to lose it.

I will post later tonight and update on the my mom's response to the letter.  I'll feel a hell of a lot better after that's done and over with.

Memory lane

So I ate a little over 500 calories and it's only about 2:30 in the afternoon but I am done for the day.  I wasn't supposed to go over 500, so I decided to go for a 200 calorie-burning workout walk with my iPod and Nike+ shoes.

I walked around the neighborhood about four or five times.  I grew up in this neighborhood, although I have lived in three different houses (the first one I don't remember because I was less than two years old when we moved around the corner to the house I spent most of my life in).  Every street has a different memory for me.  So many people have come and gone through this neighborhood.  Right now I live in between the other two streets that I've lived on.  The one street is very depressing, the one I mostly grew up on.  Every time I pass by my old house I get sad.  It's been for closed by the state and is completely empty now with a giant lock on the front door and a yellow notice.  Our big back yard is filled with dead grass and dead memories of my little brother and I running around, playing catch, jumping in huge piles of leaves.  It's over 110 years old, but we renovated it about 7 years ago, so it doesn't look that bad on the outside.  The inside is completely fallen apart though.  Ceiling tiles are on the floor, there are spider webs and dust everywhere and there is grass growing through the floor in the kitchen.  The next street over is where a lot of people I know lived.  An old babysitter who moved a few years ago, an old school lunch lady who I've known all my life practically, family friends and old friends from school.  The next street is kind of boring, but there is a park that connects it and the one after it.  It's changed so much.  There is all new equipment and half of the park is empty because most of the old equipment wasn't replaced due too being too "dangerous" for little kids.  Like the tire wheel that was falling apart, the giant see-saws, the rope ladders.  It's not the same at all.  The street after that made me the saddest today.  I passed by an old babysitter's house.  Her name is Karen, and she doesn't live there anymore, but her ex-husband, her two kids who are grown now, and his new wife and child live there.  I started going to her when I was three and left when I was six because she ran away.  Her husband was very abusive and I've witnessed a lot of it while being there during the day.  She was anorexic purging type.  I remember him always trying to make her eat and beating her when she cried in her bowl of Fruit Loops.  I said to her, at age four, "It's okay, Karen, Fruit Loops are really yummy."  Of course I didn't understand at all what was going on, but I remember her taking a bite and smiling at me with tears in her eyes and then running upstairs to a bucket in her room.  I followed her because I thought something was wrong.  I walked into her room and heard her throwing up under her bed.  "Are you sick?  Do you need to call the doctor?" I asked, and I was scared.  She told me in a stern voice to go back downstairs and watch the other kids.  She always had the best food in her kitchen.  I remember my mom packing me things like icky leftover macaroni salad for lunch, and Karen would throw it out and give me PB&J and Goldfish.  I had such a good relationship with her, and I cried for days when my mom started bringing us to another sitter.  When I was about eleven years old, Karen showed up at our door one day.  It was March or April, I remember.  She had some guy with her, who was her boyfriend, Todd.  She was living in a room at one of the neighborhood houses.  She hated it there.  My mom let her stay with us a lot, so she slept on the pull-out couch in our living room.  Karen always gave me cigarettes (this was before my mom gave in and started buying them for me) and we would go for walks around the neighborhood and talk about life.  I missed her so much; I hadn't seen her in five years.  I remember going to her room where she was staying.  She needed to change her clothes for some reason that I don't remember.  She took off her shirt and all I saw were ribs and skin.  "I know I'm fat," she told me.  I was very confused - she was clearly emaciated.  "You're so not fat.  If you're fat, then I must be fat!" I told her, half in confusion and half in anger because I didn't know why she thought that about herself.  "You're NOT fat, Amy.  You were always skinny and still are, and probably always will be.  Never, ever say that or think that again,"  she told me.  I asked her why she thought she was fat.  She paused and looked out the window by her bed and said, "I have a disease called Anorexia.  I've had it for a very long time, and I'm sick."  I didn't know what to say, so I changed the subject and we went on with whatever we were doing that day.  I was happy to be able to see her almost every day again, but I was sad because I was old enough to recognize how much pain she was in and had been through, and I didn't know how to help her.  That's when I put two and two together - my memories of her not eating and throwing up and how she looked to this day.  One day Karen just left.  She was supposed to move in with her boyfriend in the city.  We didn't see or hear from her in a long time.  My dad worked at the courthouse in the city and said he'd seen her and Todd walking downtown while he was outside smoking a cigarette.  Apparently they were living in a one-room (yes, room, not bedroom) apartment.  The next any of us had heard from or saw her was when I was just starting as a freshman in high school.  It was about nine at night and I was on our enclosed porch doing homework.  My parents were at the bar, just like any other night.  A car pulled up to the side of our house.  I ducked for a second and waited for someone to get out.  I saw Amy, her daughter, get out of the driver's side.  Shortly after, Karen got out of the passenger's side.  I ran outside as fast as I could and hugged them and started telling them all these things about how my life has been.  Karen was smoking a cigarette and she had tears down her cheeks.  That was my cue to shut up, because something was wrong.  Amy asked me if my mom was home and I told her she was at the bar.  She thanked me and asked me for directions so she could go see her.  I asked if there was something wrong but they wouldn't tell me anything.  They left.  My parents came home that night and I asked my mom what was wrong with Karen.  She said that Amy's boyfriend was in a gang and she needed money or she was going to be killed, so she loaned them $300.  That was the very last time I saw Karen.  I did see Amy a couple times after that, the last time being about a year after that incident.  I'm not sure if she still lives in this neighborhood with her father.  She was working at a dollar store on the highway near my house.  I asked her how Karen was and she said she was still living with her sister but she wasn't doing well at all.  Todd overdosed on drugs and died about a year prior.  That was the end of that.  To this day I still think of Karen often, and I pray that she is safe and healthy.

I felt like I needed to write about her.  I wonder sometimes if she's even still alive, or if this illness has gotten the best of her.  But she is someone who I will never, ever forget.