Well I've posted a lot on WE about what's going on, so if you really want to know, you can go there and read it if you already haven't.
Lost two pounds. Taking pregnancy test tomorrow morning, scared shitless.
Talked to Jenn tonight about me going IP. I'm going to think about it more and then ask if she'll talk to Tim with me. Then after that I suppose I have to talk to my mom.
I don't really feel like posting tonight. Same shit, different day. I haven't eaten since Saturday and I'm already starting to feel icky here and there, though it's only been two days. That's kind of weird. I don't have work tomorrow. I will die all day. I hope it doesn't rain again and is semi-nice outside so I can walk around all day. I might eat something tomorrow, I don't know. I'm still thinking about it. I told myself I'll eat when I reach my goal weight two pounds from now. So either I'll lose those two pounds overnight (like I did last night) and I can eat tomorrow, or I'll just have to wait until it happens. Unless I can't function at work. But I only plan on having something small. A pack of 76-calorie fruit snacks. Pure sugar, oh joy. MAYBE light Pringles. No, I can't tell myself that because then it will be okay to have those and then I'll give myself leeway and that is not allowed. Who knows. We'll see tomorrow. And we'll find out if I'm pregnant. Oh joy.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Getting your period is only good when you think you're pregnant.
Today I fasted. I lost a pound from yesterday. I'm another day late for my period and I plan on taking a pregnancy test on Tuesday because I have off from work on Tuesday and I want to do it on a day that I have off because if I find out that I am pregnant, I will end up calling out of work to have the day to royally flip the fuck out anyway. So that's the plan. The last time I had a scare, I was eleven days late, but I know it was stress because my father had just died at the time. This time around, yeah, I'm stressed, but I'm always stressed so I don't know. I'll just keep praying I suppose...
Not much to say today. Jenn came back from vacation and I saw her at work. I gave her the bracelet I made her and she loved it. She said it really made her day brighter and that made me happy. Tim (the new store manager) wasn't there today so I have to call tomorrow morning to speak with him about my schedule for tomorrow, because he put me on for 1-5:30 when I already specified on my availability sheet that I'm available after 5 on weekdays and I've already had this discussion with him before, but apparently he is thick-headed and doesn't understand how to read a fucking number on a paper. I wouldn't mind walking normally, but there's supposed to be a thunder storm tomorrow and I would seriously not enjoy walking two miles in it. So I will go in at 5 and he better like it.
I'm really tired; it's about quarter to one in the morning here. Will post tomorrow, hopefully.
Not much to say today. Jenn came back from vacation and I saw her at work. I gave her the bracelet I made her and she loved it. She said it really made her day brighter and that made me happy. Tim (the new store manager) wasn't there today so I have to call tomorrow morning to speak with him about my schedule for tomorrow, because he put me on for 1-5:30 when I already specified on my availability sheet that I'm available after 5 on weekdays and I've already had this discussion with him before, but apparently he is thick-headed and doesn't understand how to read a fucking number on a paper. I wouldn't mind walking normally, but there's supposed to be a thunder storm tomorrow and I would seriously not enjoy walking two miles in it. So I will go in at 5 and he better like it.
I'm really tired; it's about quarter to one in the morning here. Will post tomorrow, hopefully.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Two days later...
Sooo... A few key points to my life right now:
1) I've maintained the same weight all week, and it's driving me up a wall, so I restricted today and plan on continuing to restrict until I feel that I cannot physically take it anymore or feel that I can't function enough to work.
2) I'm in the midst of another pregnancy scare. So far I'm five days late for my period (which is usually on time, and I don't have amenorrhea), but I'm praying it's just stress or something. I don't know what I will do if I'm pregnant, let alone with dickhead Joe's baby.
3) I believe I'm going through caffeine withdrawal. I ran out of diuretics without realizing I needed more and totally blew my entire paycheck the day I got it (yesterday) so I have absolutely no money to buy more and don't get paid again until Friday. So far my only symptom is the massive headache that won't go away with any pain killers. I hope it doesn't get as bad as it did in the summer. I'm trying to drink diet soda with caffeine in it, although it's nowhere near as much as the pills have.
Other than that... I bought new shoes and new jeans yesterday at the mall when I went with my co-worker (after spending four hours at the salon getting her hair dyed bright orange... don't ask). I got a size 3 in jeans and I got those Nike+ shoes that calibrate with the iPod for working out. They were expensive, but I've been wanting them for a while for when I go walking. I spent $80 and some change on the shoes and sensor put together. I got the cheapest pair that was on sale for $59.99. I bought them even though they were kind of ugly (I hate white shoes... and they had some blue in them too) and a half-size too big. I was just excited to get them, so I didn't care. I walked this morning with them around the neighborhood and I wore them to work.
Jenn comes back from vacation tomorrow and I'm excited to see her. I made her a bracelet the night after I saw her last. It's red (her favorite color) with red and silver beads on the ends. I'm not sure if she'll wear it, but it can also be a key chain so that can work. I'm kind of mad though because my sick mind thinks she will expect me to weigh less than I did when she last saw me on Monday, and since I've maintained all week (but might lose by tomorrow, hopefully), it will be like nothing happened and that makes me feel fat. I don't know why, and that sounds completely ridiculous, but whatever.
Not much else is going on. I'm just really tired lately and my sleep is all messed up. I have a hard time falling asleep and I always wake up during the night and then I wake up before my alarm goes off in the morning. It's so annoying. My mom has a stomach virus and a sick part of me wants to catch it so I can lose a couple pounds from vomiting and the other lovely stuff that comes with it. Sick, right? I know.
I have five days scheduled this week at work. My days off are Tuesday and Thursday this week. I feel like all I do is work. That's what I wake up for. Without something constant going on in my life, I have a hard time functioning because I don't know what to do with myself. It's hard for me to just do something without planning it in advance, which is funny because I was always so spontaneous before. Now I get anxious when things don't go the way they're supposed to or when I don't have plans for the day or when plans change, etc. I need something to do, and I need to know in advance that I'll have something to do or I lose sleep and go crazy.
End of post. Yay.
1) I've maintained the same weight all week, and it's driving me up a wall, so I restricted today and plan on continuing to restrict until I feel that I cannot physically take it anymore or feel that I can't function enough to work.
2) I'm in the midst of another pregnancy scare. So far I'm five days late for my period (which is usually on time, and I don't have amenorrhea), but I'm praying it's just stress or something. I don't know what I will do if I'm pregnant, let alone with dickhead Joe's baby.
3) I believe I'm going through caffeine withdrawal. I ran out of diuretics without realizing I needed more and totally blew my entire paycheck the day I got it (yesterday) so I have absolutely no money to buy more and don't get paid again until Friday. So far my only symptom is the massive headache that won't go away with any pain killers. I hope it doesn't get as bad as it did in the summer. I'm trying to drink diet soda with caffeine in it, although it's nowhere near as much as the pills have.
Other than that... I bought new shoes and new jeans yesterday at the mall when I went with my co-worker (after spending four hours at the salon getting her hair dyed bright orange... don't ask). I got a size 3 in jeans and I got those Nike+ shoes that calibrate with the iPod for working out. They were expensive, but I've been wanting them for a while for when I go walking. I spent $80 and some change on the shoes and sensor put together. I got the cheapest pair that was on sale for $59.99. I bought them even though they were kind of ugly (I hate white shoes... and they had some blue in them too) and a half-size too big. I was just excited to get them, so I didn't care. I walked this morning with them around the neighborhood and I wore them to work.
Jenn comes back from vacation tomorrow and I'm excited to see her. I made her a bracelet the night after I saw her last. It's red (her favorite color) with red and silver beads on the ends. I'm not sure if she'll wear it, but it can also be a key chain so that can work. I'm kind of mad though because my sick mind thinks she will expect me to weigh less than I did when she last saw me on Monday, and since I've maintained all week (but might lose by tomorrow, hopefully), it will be like nothing happened and that makes me feel fat. I don't know why, and that sounds completely ridiculous, but whatever.
Not much else is going on. I'm just really tired lately and my sleep is all messed up. I have a hard time falling asleep and I always wake up during the night and then I wake up before my alarm goes off in the morning. It's so annoying. My mom has a stomach virus and a sick part of me wants to catch it so I can lose a couple pounds from vomiting and the other lovely stuff that comes with it. Sick, right? I know.
I have five days scheduled this week at work. My days off are Tuesday and Thursday this week. I feel like all I do is work. That's what I wake up for. Without something constant going on in my life, I have a hard time functioning because I don't know what to do with myself. It's hard for me to just do something without planning it in advance, which is funny because I was always so spontaneous before. Now I get anxious when things don't go the way they're supposed to or when I don't have plans for the day or when plans change, etc. I need something to do, and I need to know in advance that I'll have something to do or I lose sleep and go crazy.
End of post. Yay.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Empty shell
Another night was spent bawling my eyes out. At this point I have to force myself to stop crying. It does nothing, and I feel pathetic. My dad is dead and has been for three months and there's nothing I can do about it and there's nothing that will bring him back. But there's nothing that will make this pain go away, the pain that I can't talk to my family about because they seem to be happy that he's "rotting in hell" right now. So I starve. So I wake up every day and I blame the number on the scale for my lack of worth. So I look in the mirror for hours and find everything that's wrong with me and wish it went away like magic. I want to curl into a ball and be nothing. I already feel like nothing. If I make myself small enough maybe I'll disappear and I still won't matter. Being sick doesn't make me feel better. Being sick doesn't make me feel special or empowered, strong, beautiful. It makes me look how I feel. Pathetic, small, disgusting. It doesn't even make me feel in control anymore. It lets me know that I have no control, even more than I already didn't have, and that I have self-esteem so low that I let everything else control me. I don't feel like a person. No. I feel like a shell on a beach that depends on the waves of the ocean to take me somewhere new, because I have no strength left to trek my own journey that I've lost so long ago and don't feel like getting back. So I wait for the waves and when they come I disappear for a while until they bring me back to the same spot I was before, on a lonely beach, waiting to be pretty enough to be picked up by an admirer. Waiting to be worth something to someone. But in the process I get dirtier and uglier, and soon no one will want me and it will be like I don't exist. And that is how I feel.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Numbers suck
Today was extremely boring. I sat around most of the day. I ate between 850-900 calories which is NOT what I planned for the day... but the last time I ate was around 3pm and since then I've been chewing gum and sucking on sugar-free mints between cigarettes. Which I am now out of (the cigarettes).
I drew this really interesting picture. I really can't draw anything good, but once in a blue moon I'll pull out a sketch pad and pencil and my doodles become huge pictures that are weird, but in a cool way. I don't even realize what it is until I'm done and look at it and realize it looks like a head with a bunch of crap in it. If my older brother decides to be nice and hook up all the drivers for our scanner, I will probably post it tomorrow or whenever that happens. I think it's very interesting. Might add a few finishing touches, but it's finished for the most part.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow as far as a meal plan. I'm scared that I will gain by morning. I weighed myself two more times after this morning. Once about an hour or so after I last ate and once about an hour ago before I took a shower. Both times it said I gained two pounds :\ Hoping it's water weight, but probably not. Not with my luck. Ugh.
I have to walk to work tomorrow morning and get there by 10am to work until 4. It's my first day as an official cashier! Six hours is a long-ish shift though. But that paycheck will look pretty nice next week.
I'm supposed to hang out with this girl Shannon from work on Friday. She wants to get her hair done and then go to the mall. So I was talking to her on Facebook and she randomly asked me what I eat. I wasn't sure why she was asking me. I told her I'm a really picky eater and instead gave her a list of things I don't eat, to which she didn't respond. Then a while later she IMs me again and asks me the same thing. I told her I just gave her a list of crap I don't eat and then I asked why she's asking. She wanted to know what I'm going to eat when we go to the mall. Well, I'm a big girl, I think that when we get there I can figure it out (I didn't say that). Then I told her I had to go, which I did because my mom had just came home and she was bitching at me because she hates seeing my face when she walks in the door, but also because I'm scared she's onto me or something. We'll see.
I've been thinking about going inpatient. I don't think I need to go right now, at this point. But if I continue like this and if I can't pick myself back up then maybe. Possibly. I don't know. That will be one hell of a conversation (more like a fight) with my mom. She'll put it all on her and go around complaining how her life is so miserable because her daughter is in the hospital, like she always does. Yeah, Mom, it really sucks for you. Because you have to go and have shit shoved down your throat for 2-3 weeks. Damn. But I don't know if I'm actually going to do it. It's just a thought. Not a serious one yet. I will try to get a therapist or something before I go as far as going IP, but the problem with that is that all the therapists I've tried to go to won't accept me because of my ED history and the ones who are qualified to deal with it aren't covered by my insurance. Sucks for me. I'll figure something out I suppose.
I drew this really interesting picture. I really can't draw anything good, but once in a blue moon I'll pull out a sketch pad and pencil and my doodles become huge pictures that are weird, but in a cool way. I don't even realize what it is until I'm done and look at it and realize it looks like a head with a bunch of crap in it. If my older brother decides to be nice and hook up all the drivers for our scanner, I will probably post it tomorrow or whenever that happens. I think it's very interesting. Might add a few finishing touches, but it's finished for the most part.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow as far as a meal plan. I'm scared that I will gain by morning. I weighed myself two more times after this morning. Once about an hour or so after I last ate and once about an hour ago before I took a shower. Both times it said I gained two pounds :\ Hoping it's water weight, but probably not. Not with my luck. Ugh.
I have to walk to work tomorrow morning and get there by 10am to work until 4. It's my first day as an official cashier! Six hours is a long-ish shift though. But that paycheck will look pretty nice next week.
I'm supposed to hang out with this girl Shannon from work on Friday. She wants to get her hair done and then go to the mall. So I was talking to her on Facebook and she randomly asked me what I eat. I wasn't sure why she was asking me. I told her I'm a really picky eater and instead gave her a list of things I don't eat, to which she didn't respond. Then a while later she IMs me again and asks me the same thing. I told her I just gave her a list of crap I don't eat and then I asked why she's asking. She wanted to know what I'm going to eat when we go to the mall. Well, I'm a big girl, I think that when we get there I can figure it out (I didn't say that). Then I told her I had to go, which I did because my mom had just came home and she was bitching at me because she hates seeing my face when she walks in the door, but also because I'm scared she's onto me or something. We'll see.
I've been thinking about going inpatient. I don't think I need to go right now, at this point. But if I continue like this and if I can't pick myself back up then maybe. Possibly. I don't know. That will be one hell of a conversation (more like a fight) with my mom. She'll put it all on her and go around complaining how her life is so miserable because her daughter is in the hospital, like she always does. Yeah, Mom, it really sucks for you. Because you have to go and have shit shoved down your throat for 2-3 weeks. Damn. But I don't know if I'm actually going to do it. It's just a thought. Not a serious one yet. I will try to get a therapist or something before I go as far as going IP, but the problem with that is that all the therapists I've tried to go to won't accept me because of my ED history and the ones who are qualified to deal with it aren't covered by my insurance. Sucks for me. I'll figure something out I suppose.
And life goes by...
Yesterday. Hmm... Well, I lost a pound. I loafed around much of the day. Didn't eat more than 300 calories before work. Had work from 5-9.
I went into work and bagged pretty much the whole night. After a while it was extremely slow so I hung out with one of the Alicia's at customer service. She was eating chicken tenders and even though I don't like poultry, I asked if I could eat a small piece... and I ate it right there in front of her. Then I was hungry. I wanted chicken. About half an hour later I went on my break and bough three chicken tenders and about eight or nine potato wedges and went outside. I managed to eat two chicken tenders, but just through the second one I was extremely full. I had five or six potato wedges and couldn't muster any more. I came inside and felt like shit. I went over to Alicia and asked her if she wanted the rest of my potato wedges and my last chicken tender and she said no. So I asked Brian, the loss prevention guy, and he said to ask Tim (one of the guys who stocks and pushes carts). Tim gladly took it and I felt better. I didn't want to waste it. I went back upstairs and put my stuff away then came back down to bag. There were two people on register - Jeffrey, an older man, and Nicoletta, who's about 17 and still in high school. I was sitting around with Nicoletta waiting for customers and looking at gum. She was remembering things for her little grocery list for after work. I saw she had a box of Ocean Spray drink packets with her at her register because she was going to buy them. I looked at them and asked her if it was like Crystal Light. She said it was and she used to drink Crystal Light but she wanted to try this. She said she wanted to find foods that she could snack on that were healthier and I told her about light Pringles. She gave me a look like, "How can chips be 'light'?" and I told her they're fat free and only have 70 calories per 15 chips (I wasn't going to be literal and say they're 64 calories). She asked me why I eat things that are like that because I'm "super skinny" and I made up this story that I have a really slow metabolism and I have to eat small things low in calories because I gain weight really quick. She asked me how I do it and I said I just eat small snacks several times throughout the day. "Wouldn't that be like starving yourself?" Wow. I said no, it satisfies your hunger. I told her about other things that I eat that are "healthy" and she wrote them on her list. Afterwards I kind of felt bad. I might have taken it too far. Maybe not, I don't know. Plus now there might be an inkling that I'm fucked up and have an eating disorder. Great. I'm not sure if she thought too much of it, although she did pretty much ask if I'm starving myself. Sigh. I clocked out at nine and went around with my list. I saw my older brother and my mom's boyfriend roaming aisle 8 (junk food aisle). My brother had my mom's debit card and thought he could buy whatever he wanted. He got two gallons of iced tea, two cans of iced tea, a six-pack of Monster, and two liter bottles of Mountain Dew and Root Beer. I just told him to give me the card and I'll check out. I picked up sandwich bags for the house and Q-tips and put them on my mom's order too. I bought more Pringles, two bags of sugar-free Lifesavers, 24-calorie Popsicles, pads, hand soap for my eczema, diet cherry 7-Up and more gum. I only have ten dollars left.
We got in my mom's boyfriend's car and went home. My older brother just threw everything on the floor and on the counter and took what he wanted right then and left. Typical. My mom yelled because he forgot milk and $20 cash back on her card, which he failed to tell me about but tried to blame it on me anyway. My mom got all upset because her boyfriend had to leave. Boo hoo. I ate a Popsicle and had some diet soda. I walked by the trash in the kitchen and saw my dad's wallet in there. I screamed at my mom for throwing it out because she didn't think to ask if I wanted it. Then she got all bitchy and left the room. I needed to get out of the house, so I went for a walk. It was the shortest walk ever, only about ten minutes. I walked up the street next to ours and then ran halfway up the next one, walked another street and ran all the way home. I can't run a lot because I have exercise-induced asthma and I smoke. I just needed to get energy out.
I came home and did some squats in the bathroom. I hung out in bed and watched whatever the TV was showing until I fell asleep. I ate around 600 calories yesterday.
I woke up this morning and my legs and thighs were extremely sore. I smoked my cigarette and went to the bathroom and weighed myself. Same as yesterday. So far I had a bowl of cereal and a packet of fruit snacks. Today is my day off so I'm not sure what I'll do all day. Probably go back to bed at some point.
I went into work and bagged pretty much the whole night. After a while it was extremely slow so I hung out with one of the Alicia's at customer service. She was eating chicken tenders and even though I don't like poultry, I asked if I could eat a small piece... and I ate it right there in front of her. Then I was hungry. I wanted chicken. About half an hour later I went on my break and bough three chicken tenders and about eight or nine potato wedges and went outside. I managed to eat two chicken tenders, but just through the second one I was extremely full. I had five or six potato wedges and couldn't muster any more. I came inside and felt like shit. I went over to Alicia and asked her if she wanted the rest of my potato wedges and my last chicken tender and she said no. So I asked Brian, the loss prevention guy, and he said to ask Tim (one of the guys who stocks and pushes carts). Tim gladly took it and I felt better. I didn't want to waste it. I went back upstairs and put my stuff away then came back down to bag. There were two people on register - Jeffrey, an older man, and Nicoletta, who's about 17 and still in high school. I was sitting around with Nicoletta waiting for customers and looking at gum. She was remembering things for her little grocery list for after work. I saw she had a box of Ocean Spray drink packets with her at her register because she was going to buy them. I looked at them and asked her if it was like Crystal Light. She said it was and she used to drink Crystal Light but she wanted to try this. She said she wanted to find foods that she could snack on that were healthier and I told her about light Pringles. She gave me a look like, "How can chips be 'light'?" and I told her they're fat free and only have 70 calories per 15 chips (I wasn't going to be literal and say they're 64 calories). She asked me why I eat things that are like that because I'm "super skinny" and I made up this story that I have a really slow metabolism and I have to eat small things low in calories because I gain weight really quick. She asked me how I do it and I said I just eat small snacks several times throughout the day. "Wouldn't that be like starving yourself?" Wow. I said no, it satisfies your hunger. I told her about other things that I eat that are "healthy" and she wrote them on her list. Afterwards I kind of felt bad. I might have taken it too far. Maybe not, I don't know. Plus now there might be an inkling that I'm fucked up and have an eating disorder. Great. I'm not sure if she thought too much of it, although she did pretty much ask if I'm starving myself. Sigh. I clocked out at nine and went around with my list. I saw my older brother and my mom's boyfriend roaming aisle 8 (junk food aisle). My brother had my mom's debit card and thought he could buy whatever he wanted. He got two gallons of iced tea, two cans of iced tea, a six-pack of Monster, and two liter bottles of Mountain Dew and Root Beer. I just told him to give me the card and I'll check out. I picked up sandwich bags for the house and Q-tips and put them on my mom's order too. I bought more Pringles, two bags of sugar-free Lifesavers, 24-calorie Popsicles, pads, hand soap for my eczema, diet cherry 7-Up and more gum. I only have ten dollars left.
We got in my mom's boyfriend's car and went home. My older brother just threw everything on the floor and on the counter and took what he wanted right then and left. Typical. My mom yelled because he forgot milk and $20 cash back on her card, which he failed to tell me about but tried to blame it on me anyway. My mom got all upset because her boyfriend had to leave. Boo hoo. I ate a Popsicle and had some diet soda. I walked by the trash in the kitchen and saw my dad's wallet in there. I screamed at my mom for throwing it out because she didn't think to ask if I wanted it. Then she got all bitchy and left the room. I needed to get out of the house, so I went for a walk. It was the shortest walk ever, only about ten minutes. I walked up the street next to ours and then ran halfway up the next one, walked another street and ran all the way home. I can't run a lot because I have exercise-induced asthma and I smoke. I just needed to get energy out.
I came home and did some squats in the bathroom. I hung out in bed and watched whatever the TV was showing until I fell asleep. I ate around 600 calories yesterday.
I woke up this morning and my legs and thighs were extremely sore. I smoked my cigarette and went to the bathroom and weighed myself. Same as yesterday. So far I had a bowl of cereal and a packet of fruit snacks. Today is my day off so I'm not sure what I'll do all day. Probably go back to bed at some point.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Hamster Wheel
Today was very long. It started off kind of bad, because even though I ate the same amount of calories yesterday as I have been for the last almost week and losing rapidly, I gained two pounds by this morning. I was so infuriated.
I had to be at work by 8 this morning for the rest of my cashier training so we left by 7:30 and I got there early so I could touch up on my produce studying. I ended up getting a 43/40 on the produce ID test (there were three bonus questions) and I had the highest score. The one guy, Linwood, wouldn't have passed if he didn't get two of the bonus questions right. We did some more practicing on the register and then had the first part of our register test and then had lunch break for thirty minutes. We came back and did the "live" part of the test where we checked out real customers. It was really nothing special and nothing I haven't done before. We all passed. I said bye to Jenn because she's going on vacation for the rest of the week. I bought some more fruit snacks and Fiber One bars and I went home.
I ate rather a lot today. About 1300 calories. More than I've eaten in a while. I was honestly going to fast today, but I started feeling icky at work and ate at lunch. In a locked bathroom stall of course. I came home and stuffed my face. All healthy safe foods, but they add up. Quick. It's like it makes it okay to eat if I eat really small things that are low-cal and fat-free and it makes me feel like I'm allowed to eat a little more, but then I add it up at the end of the day and I feel awful. Not just mentally either. I literally instantly feel fat.
I feel shitty today. I feel fat today. I feel horrible. A few days ago, this weight would be fantastic. Now it's a failure because I weighed two pounds less yesterday and that was my LW since last March. Now I'm a triple-digit. Now I'm a fat failure. And yet I stuffed my face. I wonder if I will get my period. I know I'm not a low enough weight to lose it to amenorrhea, but I'm referring to being pregnant. I really, really hope I'm not pregnant. I'm displaying no early pregnancy symptoms, but that doesn't always mean anything. I'm due within the next couple of days. Part of me wants it because of relief to not be pregnant, and the other part of me doesn't want it at all because of bloating and all the other lovely things that come with it. Not to mention food cravings. I'm probably going to weigh even more tomorrow. This is killing me. I hate it. Tomorrow I will eat more in the morning because I'm working 5-9 and then I will come home and take a nap or just try to go to bed altogether so I don't eat. I knew eating around 1000 and losing rapidly was too good to be true. It was because my body was starving and my metabolism was like, "woah!" that I was losing like that. Back to the drawing board...
I really don't want to believe that I'm suffering this badly from BDD, but I really don't look my weight. I look 10 or 15lbs heavier than I am. And I really fucking hate it. It's like, no matter how hard I try and get to my goal weight, I still look fat. Obviously this is nothing new to me, but it's just infuriating. When will it be good enough? Never. I know. But I can't stop wondering what ten more pounds will look like...
I had to be at work by 8 this morning for the rest of my cashier training so we left by 7:30 and I got there early so I could touch up on my produce studying. I ended up getting a 43/40 on the produce ID test (there were three bonus questions) and I had the highest score. The one guy, Linwood, wouldn't have passed if he didn't get two of the bonus questions right. We did some more practicing on the register and then had the first part of our register test and then had lunch break for thirty minutes. We came back and did the "live" part of the test where we checked out real customers. It was really nothing special and nothing I haven't done before. We all passed. I said bye to Jenn because she's going on vacation for the rest of the week. I bought some more fruit snacks and Fiber One bars and I went home.
I ate rather a lot today. About 1300 calories. More than I've eaten in a while. I was honestly going to fast today, but I started feeling icky at work and ate at lunch. In a locked bathroom stall of course. I came home and stuffed my face. All healthy safe foods, but they add up. Quick. It's like it makes it okay to eat if I eat really small things that are low-cal and fat-free and it makes me feel like I'm allowed to eat a little more, but then I add it up at the end of the day and I feel awful. Not just mentally either. I literally instantly feel fat.
I feel shitty today. I feel fat today. I feel horrible. A few days ago, this weight would be fantastic. Now it's a failure because I weighed two pounds less yesterday and that was my LW since last March. Now I'm a triple-digit. Now I'm a fat failure. And yet I stuffed my face. I wonder if I will get my period. I know I'm not a low enough weight to lose it to amenorrhea, but I'm referring to being pregnant. I really, really hope I'm not pregnant. I'm displaying no early pregnancy symptoms, but that doesn't always mean anything. I'm due within the next couple of days. Part of me wants it because of relief to not be pregnant, and the other part of me doesn't want it at all because of bloating and all the other lovely things that come with it. Not to mention food cravings. I'm probably going to weigh even more tomorrow. This is killing me. I hate it. Tomorrow I will eat more in the morning because I'm working 5-9 and then I will come home and take a nap or just try to go to bed altogether so I don't eat. I knew eating around 1000 and losing rapidly was too good to be true. It was because my body was starving and my metabolism was like, "woah!" that I was losing like that. Back to the drawing board...
I really don't want to believe that I'm suffering this badly from BDD, but I really don't look my weight. I look 10 or 15lbs heavier than I am. And I really fucking hate it. It's like, no matter how hard I try and get to my goal weight, I still look fat. Obviously this is nothing new to me, but it's just infuriating. When will it be good enough? Never. I know. But I can't stop wondering what ten more pounds will look like...
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Boring day
Another pound lost. I've lost weight every day since Wednesday. Every day was two pounds, except for today. Eight pounds in four days. My BMI is 16.3 now. Double-digits. I don't understand how I've been eating around 1000 calories a day and I'm losing weight at this pace. I don't look like I'm losing weight. To me I don't anyway.
I had work today from 12-4. Nothing really interesting happened. I bought some diet cherry 7-up and more light Pringles after work. I also got 44 calorie fat-free Turkey dogs. Tomorrow is my second and last day of checker training. I know I'll pass. I don't know about the boys though. They're kind of slow.
I went to Forman Mills after work because I wanted cheap new sneakers, but all they had was brands like South Pole and Baby Phat and Polo. Not my taste at all. So I guess I'll have to go somewhere else. I want to get them before Thursday because I'll have to walk to and from work then and to work on Friday because I took someone's hours. I have a lot of hours this week. I actually think that I have more hours than I'm allowed (I'm part-time so I'm allowed no more than 30 hours), but hey, they offered and I won't say anything :) Anyway, I ended up buying three shirts. I wanted to buy new jeans, but there was nothing I really liked. I got a white cami, a plain black tee that has a little bit of a white shirt inside that's connected to it, and a black shirt with capri sleeves that says "22" in blue letters (my favorite number). All for $20 and some change.
So tomorrow is the last day of checker training and the we will have the produce test and a register test, which includes live checking (as in, we're checking out actual customers, with Jenn there of course). I have to be there at 8 in the morning, but my mom is driving me and she has to be to work by 8 so we're leaving here at 7:30 once my little brother gets on the bus.
I had work today from 12-4. Nothing really interesting happened. I bought some diet cherry 7-up and more light Pringles after work. I also got 44 calorie fat-free Turkey dogs. Tomorrow is my second and last day of checker training. I know I'll pass. I don't know about the boys though. They're kind of slow.
I went to Forman Mills after work because I wanted cheap new sneakers, but all they had was brands like South Pole and Baby Phat and Polo. Not my taste at all. So I guess I'll have to go somewhere else. I want to get them before Thursday because I'll have to walk to and from work then and to work on Friday because I took someone's hours. I have a lot of hours this week. I actually think that I have more hours than I'm allowed (I'm part-time so I'm allowed no more than 30 hours), but hey, they offered and I won't say anything :) Anyway, I ended up buying three shirts. I wanted to buy new jeans, but there was nothing I really liked. I got a white cami, a plain black tee that has a little bit of a white shirt inside that's connected to it, and a black shirt with capri sleeves that says "22" in blue letters (my favorite number). All for $20 and some change.
So tomorrow is the last day of checker training and the we will have the produce test and a register test, which includes live checking (as in, we're checking out actual customers, with Jenn there of course). I have to be there at 8 in the morning, but my mom is driving me and she has to be to work by 8 so we're leaving here at 7:30 once my little brother gets on the bus.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Break up with annoying boyfriend, check
I went to bed around 12:30 this morning and didn't fall asleep until around 3. Then I kept waking up a million times before my alarm went off at 6. I got up and got in the shower and ready for work. I lost two more pounds. Jenn was here by 7:15 to pick me up.
We got to work and punched in and we all met upstairs in the break room. It was me and two guys, Adam and Linwood. We spent about two hours going over our little training booklet and then we took our first 15 minute break. I went outside and had a cigarette. We came back from break and then it was time to go down and study all the produce for another two hours. We had to take notes to remember all the different types of apples, onions, potatoes, etc. I had two full pages, front and back, of notes. It was time for our 30 minute lunch. I went outside to have another cigarette and then upstairs to get my lunch and my food journal. I went in the bathroom and ate a Fiber One bar and some fruit snacks. Jenn gave me some Gushers but I didn't eat them right away. It was an individual packet and didn't have any info on it, so I hesitated. I put it in my bag for later. After lunch, we went downstairs to learn about the register and practice scanning. The boys went first. We had to scan four separate orders with coupons and practicing with different types of payment. This was easy for me because I've been a cashier before. We did this two times each. Then we had another 15 minute break and we went back upstairs for the last half-hour or so to review the produce. The end. Dave never showed up and I asked Jenn and she said she caught wind that something happened and he's not coming back. No meeting for me!
My mom came to pick me up and I bought some more light salad dressing and more skim milk. We came home and Joe called me. We got into another fight and I finally decided it was over. I'm more than done with him. He wanted me to come see him Thursday or Friday, but at work I was asked to come in those days since I'll be a cashier by then and they needed someone. He got mad that I now can't come see him and told me I should have told them no. He said I always have an excuse not to see him, and I yelled at him and told him it's my fucking job and it's important. He cried for forever and kept begging me not to break up with him. I hung up with him and that was that. I feel so much better.
I had some oatmeal, some light Pringles, another Fiber One bar and more fruit snacks. I'm about 1066 for the day. I find it funny how the last few days I've been eating around this amount and rapidly losing weight at an average pace of 2lb/day. I checked the back of our scale to see if there was any way my older brother could have tampered with it, but there doesn't seem to be. I still don't see how I weigh 7lbs less than I did three days ago. I don't look like it at all.
Well I suppose I'm done eating for the night. I'm going to make some phone calls and maybe make plans tomorrow with an old family friend after work. Hopefully I can sleep some tonight.
We got to work and punched in and we all met upstairs in the break room. It was me and two guys, Adam and Linwood. We spent about two hours going over our little training booklet and then we took our first 15 minute break. I went outside and had a cigarette. We came back from break and then it was time to go down and study all the produce for another two hours. We had to take notes to remember all the different types of apples, onions, potatoes, etc. I had two full pages, front and back, of notes. It was time for our 30 minute lunch. I went outside to have another cigarette and then upstairs to get my lunch and my food journal. I went in the bathroom and ate a Fiber One bar and some fruit snacks. Jenn gave me some Gushers but I didn't eat them right away. It was an individual packet and didn't have any info on it, so I hesitated. I put it in my bag for later. After lunch, we went downstairs to learn about the register and practice scanning. The boys went first. We had to scan four separate orders with coupons and practicing with different types of payment. This was easy for me because I've been a cashier before. We did this two times each. Then we had another 15 minute break and we went back upstairs for the last half-hour or so to review the produce. The end. Dave never showed up and I asked Jenn and she said she caught wind that something happened and he's not coming back. No meeting for me!
My mom came to pick me up and I bought some more light salad dressing and more skim milk. We came home and Joe called me. We got into another fight and I finally decided it was over. I'm more than done with him. He wanted me to come see him Thursday or Friday, but at work I was asked to come in those days since I'll be a cashier by then and they needed someone. He got mad that I now can't come see him and told me I should have told them no. He said I always have an excuse not to see him, and I yelled at him and told him it's my fucking job and it's important. He cried for forever and kept begging me not to break up with him. I hung up with him and that was that. I feel so much better.
I had some oatmeal, some light Pringles, another Fiber One bar and more fruit snacks. I'm about 1066 for the day. I find it funny how the last few days I've been eating around this amount and rapidly losing weight at an average pace of 2lb/day. I checked the back of our scale to see if there was any way my older brother could have tampered with it, but there doesn't seem to be. I still don't see how I weigh 7lbs less than I did three days ago. I don't look like it at all.
Well I suppose I'm done eating for the night. I'm going to make some phone calls and maybe make plans tomorrow with an old family friend after work. Hopefully I can sleep some tonight.
Friday, February 18, 2011
I had to make a new blog
My family decided they're going to play Intervention. My older brother basically looked me up and went through the network history on our computers and found my old blog. Chances are, he can find this one too. We had this big discussion about everything and I got pissed off at him. I told him he needs to mind his own fucking business. He said he'll leave me alone and ignore everything and not look at my blog again unless he "needs to" but I really don't trust him now. Not that I really ever have. He admitted to taking the scale. I told him I would get him some weed and he gave it back. I finally got to weigh myself, and I found out that I lost four pounds, making me my lowest weight since last March. I honestly truly didn't believe the scale. I tried it three times and it said the same thing. I looked in the mirror and knew it had to be a lie. There's no way. I don't look that thin, simple as that. I might even weigh less than that, because it was around 4 in the afternoon when I finally got the scale back and I'd already eaten and drank. Now I'm paranoid that the scale is wrong and I don't really know how much I weigh.
I had off today. I went to bed around 3 in the morning and didn't wake up until around 12:30 this afternoon. I didn't do anything all day. When my mom came home she announced that we're ordering pizza. Great. I asked if she could take me to work for my paycheck and she said she would. I went to take a nap. Apparently the pizza came while I was sleeping. Not that I cared. I woke up around 6 and my mom must have told me three times at least to eat some pizza before we go. I didn't. We went to pick up my paycheck. I checked my schedule and I have three consecutive days off this week. I'm going to go insane. I picked up some stuff and went to customer service to pay. Jennifer was there, and so was Gaye. Jenn asked how I was and I said "Just lovely" sarcastically. She asked what's wrong and I told her I'd tell her tomorrow. Then my mom came over. We paid for everything and my mom realized she forgot her debit card so I had to pay for her crap too. She owes me about $50 now. My mom started walking away and I just told Jenn that my house is having an intervention and I'd tell her the rest tomorrow.
I came home and ate some fruit snacks and a serving of light Pringles I'd bought. They ordered a whole pizza for me. I like plain, and they all know that, but they ordered extra cheese. Do they think I'm stupid? They did that on purpose because they want me to gain more weight. I'm not fucking stupid. I had two slices. I still have to figure out how much that is.
Tomorrow is my first day of cashier training at work. Jenn is picking me up in the morning and my mom will pick me up at 4. I'm also supposed to have this meeting with her and Dave tomorrow. I'm not as worried as I was before. I think I'll be okay. I realized that I lost 16lbs in the month that I've been working there. If I lose any more and they notice, it might not be good.
I can trust no one. Now I feel like I can't even post here. I'm not in a fucking hospital, this isn't Girl, Interrupted. I'm an adult and I don't need to be fucking monitored, especially by people who don't know what the fuck they're talking about. You're not helping me, and you're never going to, so leave me the fuck alone and get the fuck out of my life.
I had off today. I went to bed around 3 in the morning and didn't wake up until around 12:30 this afternoon. I didn't do anything all day. When my mom came home she announced that we're ordering pizza. Great. I asked if she could take me to work for my paycheck and she said she would. I went to take a nap. Apparently the pizza came while I was sleeping. Not that I cared. I woke up around 6 and my mom must have told me three times at least to eat some pizza before we go. I didn't. We went to pick up my paycheck. I checked my schedule and I have three consecutive days off this week. I'm going to go insane. I picked up some stuff and went to customer service to pay. Jennifer was there, and so was Gaye. Jenn asked how I was and I said "Just lovely" sarcastically. She asked what's wrong and I told her I'd tell her tomorrow. Then my mom came over. We paid for everything and my mom realized she forgot her debit card so I had to pay for her crap too. She owes me about $50 now. My mom started walking away and I just told Jenn that my house is having an intervention and I'd tell her the rest tomorrow.
I came home and ate some fruit snacks and a serving of light Pringles I'd bought. They ordered a whole pizza for me. I like plain, and they all know that, but they ordered extra cheese. Do they think I'm stupid? They did that on purpose because they want me to gain more weight. I'm not fucking stupid. I had two slices. I still have to figure out how much that is.
Tomorrow is my first day of cashier training at work. Jenn is picking me up in the morning and my mom will pick me up at 4. I'm also supposed to have this meeting with her and Dave tomorrow. I'm not as worried as I was before. I think I'll be okay. I realized that I lost 16lbs in the month that I've been working there. If I lose any more and they notice, it might not be good.
I can trust no one. Now I feel like I can't even post here. I'm not in a fucking hospital, this isn't Girl, Interrupted. I'm an adult and I don't need to be fucking monitored, especially by people who don't know what the fuck they're talking about. You're not helping me, and you're never going to, so leave me the fuck alone and get the fuck out of my life.
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