Series of Exciting Events

So I went shopping with Sara on Monday and I got a whole new outfit plus a new shirt and another pair of leggings and new boots all for $55! Can you say 'bargain shopping?'  Then I did laundry with my mom.

On Wednesday I went over my friend/ex's house and we watched Beetlejuice and then we went bowling and had a lot of fun.

Today I had my appointment with my therapist and it ended early because I didn't do much talking and we sat in silence for ten minutes before she decided we should just meet next week and see if I have anything to talk about then.  Then I went to work and it wasn't that bad, although it did drag at some points.

I've been eating better and weighing in less so I guess that's a good sign.  I'm just scared of when I do weigh myself next and I gain a lot of weight or even a few pounds.  The idea still scares me.

This Saturday my mom is taking me to Freehold to possibly get a car for $99!! They're having a huge blowout sale on used cars.  I really am praying that it works out; however, I'm sort of scared of the 30-minute drive back home on the highway. I do have my license but I don't have much driving experience because I was never able to drive my mom's car.  She drives a 5-speed and she has been unable to successfully teach me how to drive it.  So anyway, if I do get the car I will drive back and then go pick up my boyfriend and we'll go bowling before I have to go to work.  It will be either a really eventful and exciting day or a real bummer day because if I don't get the car my mom won't go pick my boyfriend up because she'll be tired of driving by the time we get back from Freehold.  So that's the plan.

Still trying to have a normal life.

Normal Life?

I'm not doing very well with updating, but I don't think anyone reads this anymore anyway so I guess it doesn't matter.

Today was a good day.  My mom, brother and I went to my "aunt's" (she was my aunt through marriage but she divorced my uncle I think before I was even born) u-pick farm (which is exactly what it sounds like - you pick your own pumpkins, vegetables, etc.) and saw her and my cousin.  It was really fun I guess.  First we went through their corn maze (well, only part of it) and then my brother and I walked around as he got followed and taunted by a bunch of yellow jackets while my mom picked mini pumpkins and butternut squash.  Then we took the tractor back (it's a HUGE farm, so it's like a 5-10 minute ride back to the front of the farm on the tractor that they drive) and we looked in the little store and my mom bought some honey and gourds.  Then we talked to my "aunt" for a little bit and drove back.

On the way back we stopped at my other aunt's (who is my blood-related aunt) new apartment and met her dog and her new boyfriend.  We chatted for about half an hour and then left because I had work at 5:15.

Work was pretty good.  I was working with my friend Sara and it went well while she was there.  The night went pretty well after she left, too, but towards the end it got kind of crazy because the computers were being slow and I couldn't finish something in a decent amount of time and it kind of backed things up a bit, but we got out on time.

Now I'm home and very tired from walking around the farm all day and not taking a nap before standing all day at work.  I've closed three nights in a row and I'm closing again tomorrow.  At least the store closes at 10 tomorrow night rather than 11.  Then Monday I have off and Sara and I are going to go shopping.

I'm trying to have a normal life.

Food for Thought

Hello, anyone who cares.

So it's been about five days since I've updated.  A lot has seemed to change.  I didn't mention last week that my doctor took me off of my Lithium and put me on Celexa for my depression.  I didn't think it was a very good idea to cold-turkey me off the Lithium, but I didn't think to say that to her until after I left.  I could have easily weened myself off of it by cutting the doses myself, but I didn't, so I just stopped it and started the Celexa as directed.

Well, since then, things have been a little different, and I'm sort of surprised.  I'm not sure if it's a placebo effect or if the med is actually working already (doubt it), or if it's because I was cold-turkeyed off the Lithium and I'm hypomanic.  But in any case, for starters, I'm apparently no longer physically capable of taking naps.  I wake up around 8am instead of 10am, and do my usually first-waking-up things, and then I try to go back to bed but I just lay there with my eyes wide open and stare at the wall because I'm unable to even keep them close and I'm so awake.  I'm not even tired!! But I lie down anyway for a good hour until I think of something I can actually do since I can't sleep.  It's really hard.  Another thing is I do have a better mood.  Yesterday I went into work and I was so chipper and excited to be there practically.   I was extra pleasant to every customer and did extra work that I didn't necessarily have to do.  I even made a list of things to do at the self-checkout for whomever to look at when they're bored (although I'm guessing by the time I go in tomorrow, someone will have thrown it in the trash).  I don't know what came over me though - it was really weird.

As for eating, I'm eating less but, as of today, I'm not really eating "anorecticly" (just thought I'd make up a word there).  For example, I didn't eat a lot today, but what I did eat were fear foods for the most part.  Today was a big jump from normal, and I didn't really think of it making me gain weight for the most part.  I weighed myself tonight, after I'd eaten all that crap today, and I weighed the same as I did the other morning which means I lost a pound or two (since the food and diet sodas I'd had probably made me weigh about that much more).  I'm not quite sure, really, what I thought of that.  I kind of just mindfully weighed myself without judging the number.  Which is actually amazing, recovery-wise.  I don't know where I am overall.  I think I'm just having good days and bad days.  Because yesterday all I had to eat was two ice pops and half of a roast beef sandwich, and today I had junk.  Hmm.  Food for thought.

October Depression

October has come and it's been rough.  This is my favorite month of the year, because it is so pretty and peaceful nature-wise, but it is one of two months that leave me in a deep depression (November being the other one - my father died in said month).  So this being a naturally depressing month for me on top of already being super depressed... I can't take it.

As far as my pseudo-recovery goes, it's not going; however, it's not as bad as it was before I was hospitalized (maybe the hospital did do something for me?).  I'm not weighing myself every day, but often enough I suppose.  I'm maintaining the five pounds I'd lost since being discharged, so that's a good sign recovery-wise.  I just can't get over, though, the thought of gaining weight.  I still want to lose weight.  I don't want to eat anything with fat in it.  I'm restricting both food and fluids.  Living off of Diet Pepsi and ice pops and occasionally food my mom makes (she's been trying to cook since I've been home).  I'm back to smoking a pack-and-a-half of cigarettes a day.  So basically, not much is different from before I was hospitalized except for 1) I'm not restricting as much, 2) I'm not weighing myself every day, and 3) I weigh 6lbs more than I did at admission.  I want to say that I'm so, so sorry that I've let everyone down, but I know I should really be sorry to myself because I'm doing this to myself and causing more problems.  But the problem is, I just can't come to terms with taking care of myself and eating properly without having a problem with how I look.  When you have an eating disorder and a professional in the mental health field, who knows of your ED, asks if you're pregnant, it leaves a scar.  I can't say I totally blame her for it but that is what influenced me to relapse, along with already budding body image troubles (worse than normal recovering issues) at the time of her comment.

I saw my psychiatrist today and we talked about my hospital stay and what it did for me (or in this case, did not do), and she asked why I thought I was struggling if I have a job and a boyfriend (because apparently both of those things = forever happiness).  I told her I think that one of the big reasons for now at least that I have an eating disorder is that I'm trying to hang on to my childhood.  When I'm sick people take care of me and I feel nurtured and cared about, and I didn't necessarily have that growing up.  Also, being sick almost sort of waives me from adult responsibilities.  I leave work early for having chest pains, for example, or I get an early break because I feel dizzy.  This is not why I engage in eating disordered behavior, but just examples of how it affects my responsibilities.  I mean, I guess that is part of why, as I just clearly stated that beforehand, but I don't want it to seem like I'm an irresponsible little bitch... but I guess I am.  I don't even know how to do half the things I probably should know how to do at age twenty.  I don't know much about being an adult.  I haven't experienced many adult things yet, and half of the reason why is because it scares me.  Growing up scares me.  I know you're probably thinking, Get with the program and deal with it like the rest of the world, and you're absolutely right.  I beat myself up for it.  But something just holds me back.  I don't want to do anything new, especially not by myself, but I can't have the world hold my hand anymore.

In other news, I'm pretty proud of myself (so far) because so far today I haven't taken a single nap (shocking!).  I don't really feel tired when I take naps, I just get bored so I sleep to kill time.  I don't want to be awake and experience anything.  I just want to escape to dreamland.  But anyway, I didn't take a nap today yet, but I probably should because I'm closing the store tonight and I know I'll be really tired if I don't take one because I went to bed a little before dawn and had about 3-4 hours of sleep because I had to wake up for my appointment.

I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while (if anyone cares), but I just haven't felt like it.  If anyone is interested in reading my pathetic blog anymore, then I suppose I will try to update more often.

Disappointment

Today was a disappointing day.  I'm not so much disappointed in myself as I'm sure others are disappointed in me.  I weighed myself today for starters, and I've lost four pounds since Monday.  I didn't try to lose the weight, it just sort of happened.  I completed all of my meals yesterday, but I can't say the same for today.  I pretty much skipped breakfast except for a glass of grape juice.  I almost completed for the rest of the day though, so I suppose that almost makes up for it (not really).  I went for two walks today.  It felt really good, especially since I was locked up on an eating disorders unit for eleven days with no exercise.  I wrote out my menu for tomorrow - I keep a little dry-erase board on the fridge with my meals for the day - and I was overwhelmed while doing so.  It feels like so much food, and so much preparation (it's really not a lot of preparation though), and I just don't feel like putting in the effort.  I don't want to try anymore.  I want to give up and go straight back to the eating disorder.

I have a therapy session tomorrow, so I suppose it would be good to talk with her about it, even though she doesn't understand at all and will probably just give me some bullshit responses like, "you just have to eat."  Well, no shit, Sherlock.  I don't want to eat.  I don't want to gain weight, and I don't want you to sit there and point out the obvious and then clearly express your disappointment in me.  But the problem is, I don't know what I do want.  I don't know what I'm getting out of living the way I do.  I suppose not much, but I'm not comfortable with eating so much yet.  I suppose I want to be happy like every other normal person, and I know that recovery will show me a glimpse of that (maybe?), but I'm just not ready.

My mother has taken a sudden interest, after five years of my struggling, in my "recovery" and asked while I was in the hospital for information on eating disorders.  We read some of the information together last night, but now she doesn't feel like reading anymore.  She just thinks there's nothing she can do so why bother basically.  At least she tried, I suppose.  I guess there really is nothing she can do, and I'm not sure if I'd want her to do anything anyway.  It's much easier if she just ignores it like she always has.  Much easier for me to relapse anyway.  I don't consider myself in recovery right now.  I just consider myself partially stable for the moment.  I don't know what's going to happen from here on out, but whatever happens, I just have to deal with it.

Trying

So, there is a lot to say.  I returned home from the hospital yesterday afternoon.  I was there for only 11 days.  While I was there I completed all of my meals, despite the fact that I really didn't want to, nor did I feel a single bit of hunger the entire time I was there.  I barely interacted with the other girls for the first half of my stay there.  I just wasn't myself.  Usually I am very sociable and bubbly, but I spent most of my time there (while I wasn't in group) isolating in my room.  I barely spoke up in groups except for yesterday morning in psychotherapy.  The treatment team obviously wasn't very happy about this, and threatened to take away my weekend passes if I didn't contribute in groups, socialize, and stay out of my room.  I had the same therapist I had the last two times, which was good because I like her and she knows me well already; however, she's a real hard ass, but I suppose I need that.  Most of the girls there were great (there was one who really annoyed me the whole time) and some of them hugged me when I left and gave me notes, and one even made me a bracelet (which was too big for my wrist so I wear it as an anklet).  I gained eleven pounds while there, and am still a bit underweight, but I'm not really interested in gaining any more weight.  I'm not extremely underweight, only a couple of pounds.  I'm at about 86% of my IBW.  And they discharged me at this weight so I guess it's fine.  I didn't quit smoking because the whole time I was there I was going crazy for a cigarette.  They had me on the patch and the nicotine gum, and I was also given Klonopin because the need for a cigarette was making me so overly anxious I thought I was going to die.  But the Klonopin helps with the regular anxiety I have anyway, so the doctor gave me a script for it on my way out.  The sad part in all this, for which I'm sure some of you might be disappointed in me, is that I've realized the whole time I was there that I don't really want to get better.  I'm not ready.  And I told them that.  However, when I came home I still ate and am still eating (already ate breakfast) and I've planned meals for this week and went food shopping with my mom and brother.  I figured I will give it a try anyway even though I'm still really depressed and don't feel like eating.

A friend I met in a previous treatment may be staying with us next month when she gets out of inpatient because she lives in a neighboring state but her partial will be 20 minutes from my house and she has no way to really get there every day, Monday through Friday without staying somewhere close by.  This is another reason why I decided to try recovery because she is really sick and I don't want to trigger her in any way if and when she stays with us.  We both figured we can help each other out and maybe plan our meals together too.  I hope it works out.

I haven't weighed myself this morning so I'm just telling myself I weigh the same as I did yesterday when the doctor told me.  I'm trying hard not to think about it.

I'm going to try to be more productive.  I'm not as depressed as I was when I wasn't eating, obviously, but it's still there pretty strong.  I don't go back to work until Sunday so I will have a lot of free time to myself, and that means a lot of opportunities to sit on my ass or sleep like I love to do.  I'm going to go for walks (when there's better weather because it's supposed to rain for the next two days or so) and I'm going to keep reading the book I'm working on (it's really good!).  I'm happy to be able to enjoy a book because it's been so long since I've even thought about reading one.  I'm always either too depressed or can't focus, but this book is amazing.  It's The Help.  I've actually already seen the movie (which was awesome!) and for me that makes it easier to read because it's very close to the book (except for the ending I've been told) and I can picture the characters from the movie and their voices and mannerisms.  Also, my mom and I plan to cook almost every night (BIG change there) so I will actually be learning how to cook.  It was a more exciting idea when I was sick, for some reason.

Anyway, I don't know how things will turn out, but I'm trying.  That's all I can do for now I suppose.