Update.

Sorry for anyone who still reads this (yeah, right) that I haven't updated in almost four months.  Time for an update.

I'm still going to my partial program and I'm doing well but they won't let me graduate the program because I told them I want to come off of my meds and I need to be monitored very closely for them to do that so I can't leave.  It does give me something to do during the day until I figure out what I'm going to do with myself otherwise, but it's at the point where I'm just really bored with it.

I'm still working at the same place.  I was hired for front end so I'm a cashier but mostly I work on self-checkout and I do tags on Thursdays.  If I'm lucky they give me once a week on register.  Work has become slightly boring as well but I'm thinking everything is just boring because I'm becoming depressed.

I got my driver's license! I'm still saving up for a car and it may take a while.

My biggest dilemma right now is figuring out what I'm doing with my life.  I want to go to school and I figured I would do it online since I have no means to get there by myself and don't want to take the bus (I'm stubborn).  I need money for a car so I wanted to get a second job but I can't do that now because I have partial and I can't do it if I go to school because there'd be no time and I couldn't do it even if I didn't have school or partial because I have no car and my mom isn't home during the day to take me.  I'm sure I'll figure something out eventually but for now it just gives me a headache.

Work and Brothers

Things have been a little more hectic in my life now that I'm working again.  So far, so good though as far as work goes.  I'm getting back into the swing of working there and enjoying it as much as I can.  The last few days have been crazy there because of the hurricane.  I had to go in three hours early on Saturday because it was so busy, so I worked an eight-hour shift.  I thought it would be horrible but it wasn't too bad and it calmed down after a while.

My thoughts are kind of scattered lately.  I had the day off from partial today because of flooding all over so I guess I have some time to gather my thoughts.  I'm doing pretty well with eating, but I still have yet to reach my goal weight.  I am eating though so that's a good sign I suppose.

My older brother has been really getting on my nerves lately, especially during the hurricane.  He always has to have power and control over everything.  It's really fucking annoying because he has this thing where he thinks he knows everything about everything and has to shove it down everyone else's throats and he screams and yells at everyone, like, shut the fuck up.  No one wants to fucking hear your bullshit because no one fucking cares so go the fuck away.  He actually threatened to call my job and somehow get my fired, which was not a threat at all because there's no possible way for him to get me fired just because he's jealous that I have a job and he doesn't.   He claims I rub it in his face by "being happy all the time" which is beyond me because I don't even associate myself with him or go near him for him to say that I'm rubbing anything in his face.  The only time we talk is if we're fighting and in that case we're not talking, we're yelling.  I honestly don't care anymore though.  He says he will change and nothing happens, or he changes for two days and then goes back to his usual arrogant, selfish self.  He's impossible to have a relationship with and at this point I honestly don't care about having a relationship with him so it doesn't matter.  I could go on and on about all the bullshit about him, but I'll save it for when I'm more pissed off.

Tired

I'm so freaking tired.  I took a pill last night to help me sleep and now all I want to do is sleep.  I slept for 12 hours, woke up and went to the bathroom and then fell asleep for another 4 hours.  Maybe I should have asked for a smaller dose.  I got the same dose I've taken in the past but I guess it's too strong.  Anyway, I'm kind of drained for thoughts at the moment.  I'm excited to see a movie with my mom tomorrow.  Next weekend should be more exciting because I'm supposed to sleep over my best friend's house but I haven't heard from her so I hope we're still doing it.  Time to go make myself more productive.

Life's good

So I've embraced this idea of becoming something like the next Oprah.  I'm not sure how I would go about this but it is a work in progress I suppose.  I just want to make people happy.  It hurts me when I don't make people happy or do the opposite of making people happy.  I don't want to be a therapist though.  I'm not the kind of person who likes to listen to people's problems, I'll just be the one to tell you what to do (if I know).  Like, I'll listen long enough to figure it out.  I don't want all the details because I'm not a therapist.  Giving all the details wastes time unless they're required to solve the problem.  And I'll ask questions.  I like asking questions.  It's easier for me that way.  That way I can get what I want to know and just that.

Anyway, I went to my previous place of employment today to see if I was on the recall list.  They're hiring people back from the layoff.  Tim said to wait another week because not all the lists came back (it's not just one big list).  He said to me that he could hire me in deli and I'd make more money.  I don't really want to work in deli though because first of all I'm kind of scared of the meat slicer, and secondly all of my friends and previous co-workers will be on the other side of the store and I'll just be in the corner cutting ham and cheese.  Tim said he'd rather me work up front too but something tells me there's a limit to the number of people he can hire back up there and maybe I won't be able to work there.  That occurred to me but I don't want to think that.  I guess I'll just have to wait another week and see what happens.

Other than that, this week has been very good.  Life is good.

Changing the World

Today I woke up very tired.  I've been tired the last few days or week, not sure.  This is because last week I wasn't doing very well.  I felt amazingly great, but I was making poor decisions.  This is because the first few days or so of last week I was in the grip of a small manic episode.  I decided, just for the hell of it, to have my mom buy me Mad Dog 20/20 last Tuesday night.  It's about 13% alcohol and I'm a lightweight, so yes, I got drunk.  I slept for about three hours that night because I was just too "hyper," or manic.  I went to program the next day and I was jumping around all day, happy as ever.  We have a group first thing every morning called Case Management where everyone goes into group with their case worker.  My case worker has been out for a couple weeks so the nurse, who I can trust, was running case management.  I told her what was going on and she wasn't happy about it.  That night I went home and got drunk again.  I got about two hours of sleep that night but I woke up completely refreshed as if I'd slept eight hours or more.  I went to program early the next day and the nurse asked if I drank again last night and I told her I did.  I'm not sure if they cared more that I drank two nights in a row because I have a high chance of becoming an alcoholic, or if they were more concerned with the fact that I neglected to take my medication for two nights in a row.  Either way, it didn't really matter to me.  Not even halfway through the day I began to crash and have racing thoughts and be paranoid and scared as I usually do after I'm manic.  I get almost psychotic if you will.  I broke down crying and telling them to send me home so I could take my meds.  They told me I needed to stay so they could watch me.  After a few hours I felt a little better.  I've been taking my meds since then and haven't drank and have been trying to get better sleep.

I'm very happy still, but I don't think it's mania.  Sometimes I feel too happy and can't contain myself, and it's almost as though there's no reason for it.  Just because I'm alive.  Just because I'm grateful for every little thing.  Just because.  I feel like passing on my happiness to everyone else.  I want everyone else to be happy too.  It will make me happier.  I get these feelings like I just want to change the whole world and make it a better place all by myself.  I want to achieve greatness.  I want to do something or make something or write something so beautiful that it moves people.  This has always been something I've wanted to do, but never felt that I could.  Anything is possible.  That's what I think to myself now.  I want to know where to start.  I would have to do something so amazing that people would be in awe.  I want to change people's lives.  Lately since I've been trying to get into college but never finished the process, I've been thinking about what I really want to do with the rest of my life.  I don't want to do something ordinary.  I want people to look up do me, to be an inspiration.  I want people to admire me for something great that I did.  A good part of my life was spent being a little person that no one could see.  A little person in therapy for all her problems and for all the things that happened to her.  I don't want to be that person anymore.  I want to overcome every obstacle in my way and come out on the other side greater than before.  I don't want to look to people for approval.  I want to be the person that other people look to.  I want to be the one people come to for comfort, the one who gives hugs and says everything's gonna be okay.  The one who shares wisdom and experiences to better others.  I want to start to make my world a better place by making others' worlds a better place.  And I know I can do it.

Staying positive

       So I changed the title of my blog.  My previous one was way too negative.  I am not that person anymore.  Maybe it seems that I've turned things around so quickly that it doesn't seem fathomable.  But the truth is that I've woken up.  Everything is in such a new and different light when you think differently.  I am grateful for everything around me, because everything serves its own purpose.  I've gone through a period of time before where I've "woken up" but it didn't last.  I've gone through a similar period where it turned out to be mania and I was diagnosed Bipolar I.  But I am doing everything in my power to keep staying happy and not let it get to the manic point.  I've been watching The Secret over the past weekend.  Part of me feels that it triggers my mania because there were some instances where I couldn't sleep and my mind was racing.  But I've come to the conclusion that I should only watch it on a down moment.  It's like my level of happiness has no limit, and it increases so much that I become manic.  But I will not let that happen.  I will be strong and functional and ordinarily happy.  I think what part of my mania could be is that I've gone through so much of my life without being happy that I'm scared of what happy is.  For me it can be dangerous.  I become reckless, sleepless, appetite-less.  And I've noticed yesterday I just didn't want to eat.  I didn't think I needed to, and it's not ED, it's the mania, making me think that I'm better than food and I'm superhuman and don't require it as an essential element to living.  I've confided this in one of the counselors at my partial program and she advised me to balance my sleep and eating so to prevent a manic episode from creeping up on me.
       I enjoy daily activities more now and am much more willing to partake in them.  Today I have off from partial so instead of sitting home I'm going to take some change and go buy some magazines and make a collage.  I also plan on organizing some boxes in my room from moving.  I find that my quality of life is better when I'm occupied, but I can now enjoy not being particularly occupied and do things like listen to the sounds outside or listen to peaceful music and just appreciate it.  To anyone who isn't in the kind of frame of mind that I'm in, this may sound ridiculous, but it's really not.  Anyone is capable of doing it, you just have to believe that you are.  Nothing good will happen if you don't believe.

I'm back

I haven't been posting because things have been really crazy with moving and other things that have been going on with my mom, but here I am.

Lately things have been going well for me.  Granted, I'm still underweight and slightly struggling with the idea of gaining, but I'm stable at the weight I am now.  I haven't found a job yet, but soon I'm sure one will come my way.  I've just been really positive lately and at peace.  I decided not to go to college yet because I still don't think I'm ready.  Right now I want to focus on getting a job and getting my license in November.  I'm starting driving school soon so I hope that all goes well and I can be driving in November.  I want to save up for a decent car.  I've been going to my DBT group at partial every Monday and I think it's really helping.  There's nothing much else to say; I'm just really happy and it will only get better, and sooner than later.

Thoughts and feelings

So lately things have been good kind of, but at the same time I'm worried.  Thanks to getting to know myself more, I know that when I constantly feel the need to be out of the house, something is wrong.  There's nothing really going on that's bad at my house at the moment, but I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life.  I've been thinking probably a little too much lately and it's not good for me.  A few nights ago I was watching something on TV about Nostradamus and 2012 and I felt overwhelmed with fear and got into a state of mind that's no good.  That kind of stuff sort of triggers bipolar episodes for me.  I'm fearing that I'm on the verge of some kind of pre-manic episode.  I'm showing early signs of it and I'm not sure how to stop it and don't want to end up in a psych ward.  For instance, feeling very bubbly for no good reason, doing reckless things like smoking pot and spending money that I don't have (and that's not mine) on things I don't need, just because.  The one thing I have a problem with is I'm very easily influenced.  By talking to people, by seeing things, by being around certain individuals.  Everything other people do just seems like a good idea (except for the obvious, like killing people or stealing, etc.).  I've come to find that I don't really have my own opinions about things because I'm so concerned with other people disagreeing with them.  I have some opinions, but anything controversial is off limits for me because I guess I just don't know enough about anything to have my own opinion.  And maybe it's scary for me to learn about them enough to develop my own opinion.  It's a personal flaw that I really wish to work on, but don't really know how.  And if I ask for help from someone, that's advice that will be given to me that can differ from anyone else's advice.  I know I really shouldn't give a shit about what other people think, and I try not to, but in reality I really do care.  And I wish I didn't.  There are periods in my life that I think about myself and how I am as a person and all the things I like about me aren't real.  I can't stay the same for very long, I just don't.  My thinking constantly changes, my "opinions" constantly change, I change.  And then I think, well, change is good and necessary.  But on the other hand, I'm not changing what I really think because I don't think I really think much of anything that's my own personal thought.  This scares me.  I feel like I don't have a real personality.  I mean, in some aspects I do,  but mostly it's always been influenced by other people and just happened to be the few things that didn't change about me.  Maybe I'm supposed to rapidly change like this.  I'm still only 19 years young.  Maybe once I'm older I'll be able to develop my own ways of thinking.  The problem is lately I'm just so scared of everything.  I'm sure I'm not alone in wanting everything to work out picture perfectly, as unrealistic as that may be.  I try to find ways for everything to work out.  I don't want to hurt anyone or myself in the process of simply living my life.  I find that when I'm in this kind of mindset, which last for at least a week or so, my whole surroundings look different and feel different and there are different emotions attached.  I'm not sure if it's the bipolar.  I don't know what to think, of course.  I feel so fake and I hate it.  I have to deal with the fact that never is everyone going to agree with me if I say something or do something that I personally feel is right. Is it normal to think and feel this way every couple of months?

This is what being sick prevented me from doing.  It made me so numb that I didn't have to think because I couldn't.  All I cared about was being sick.  I don't want to be sick again but this is all so scary.  I feel like I need to be held and comforted.  That's probably why I've been hanging around my ex lately.  Even though we're not together anymore (and even though he wants to be and I said no), we still have feelings for each other and care about each other and I feel safe when I'm with him.  I go through this phases where I try to find comfort in something or everything because it makes me feel better without really addressing whatever is wrong.  I have so many defense and escape mechanisms, but I really do ultimately want to just work on things and be happy.

A lot of things

Let's see - the past week has been up and down.  I had the picnic at my partial program.  I spent four hours baking cookies all to be gone within thirty minutes.  I got upset because of the situation in my house and I'm sure they think I'm a big baby by now.  My mom bought food yesterday for the first time in a month.  I went to a party on Saturday for my friend Erica's daughter's sweet sixteen.  I pretty much sat there the whole time, zoning in and out of reality and drinking a lot of soda.  Erica gave me food to take home.  Lots of canned fruits and some cereal and pasta.  My birthday was on Sunday.  My grandparents came over for ice cream cake (yes, my mom bought a $13 ice cream cake but wouldn't go food shopping) and they bought hoagies for lunch and then they took my younger brother and I to spend the night.  I did some art while I was there and worked on knitting this baby blanket (yeah, didn't mention that I started one for my friend Ami who's not due until October but I have to finish it now because she's moving to Texas at the end of June) and they got us some food.  We went to Burger King for dinner on Sunday and had ice cream for a snack (they do that like, every night while they watch Jeopardy... old people).  Yesterday morning my grandmother made waffles for breakfast.  We all had one waffle, about the size of our faces, and I really struggled to finish because of my stomach.  It was too much after half of it (which would be a regular sized waffle).  We had Pizza Hut for lunch and then we came back home.  When we got home my mom and my older brother were out shopping so we hung out in my mom's room because she has air conditioning in her room and we don't.  I taught my little brother to knit (he wanted to learn for some reason, my mom's a little worried).  On Friday we told my older brother we're kicking him out so he flipped shit and then we talked and made an agreement that if he doesn't change and try harder and get a job when we move then he's gone, so we're hoping this will be motivation for him because he'll end up in a homeless shelter, seeing as he has nowhere else to go.  I really hope it works because I can't stand being around him a lot of the time, not only because of what happened when I was younger but because he's just an asshole most of the time and I don't know if he even realizes it.

I haven't gotten weighed last week because the scale at my partial is broken (it says everyone weighs 0.0lbs) so I really hope they get a new one.  The thing is, I don't think I've gained a lot, if I even gained any, because I've barely been eating due to the fact that my mom hasn't had food in the house and it's not like I can't start eating normal now that she does because of my stomach.  I still don't have my other stomach medication either.  I'm supposed to call the pharmacy and see if they sorted it out yet for me to take it (I think they needed to see if my insurance covered it or something), but I'd rather go in and find out that way, which requires my mom to drive me.

I can't really describe how life has been lately.  Crazy isn't the word for it.

Fucked up

WARNING: This post is going to jump around a lot and partly be in half-sentences

Eating more lately.  Mom won't go grocery shopping, we're shit poor and still have to find a place to move.  Losing internet soon because my mom can't pay for it and put a deposit down on a place.  Older brother and I got into a fight on Friday night.  I want to get out of here. Can't take it anymore, need to run, and can't deal without my eating disorder if I'm going to live in this house.  I can do it outside of the house.  But not here.  Don't know where to go, don't have anywhere to go.  Need to escape, run away, can't stay.  Feeling like my psychotic thoughts will come back.  Scared.  Don't want to resort to eating disorder, but makes me feel numb.  There's no food in the house. Had to order a pizza.  I ate the pizza.  Now I feel full, hate that feeling.  SCREAMING is something I'd love to do but can't.  No energy.  Emotionally drained.  NEED TO ESCAPE.  Can't handle it here.  But no job, no money, no car, license.  Nothing, I have nothing but me.  And I am two steps from breaking.  I wish I could just run away... that's what I used to do.  That's what I really want to do.  I need to get out of this hell.

Small update

Quick update points:  I was re-weighed the Friday after my previous weigh-in and the day I last posted.  The kitchen scale was totally off, of course, and I'd actually gained about .8 lbs.  And then again this past Wednesday.  The only thing is (TMI WARNING) I haven't gone to the bathroom in like, a week and a half prior to those weigh-ins.  Fortunately, my stomach meds are finally working again and I am.  Okay, enough TMI.  Anyway, I'm at precisely a 17.5 BMI and counting, so I'm gaining it back.  I'm doing better.  Trying to eat more, and actually, yesterday I stopped writing what I ate (after breakfast and lunch).  Problem is, I ate entirely too much (not because of ED, because of my stomach) and woke up with vicious stomach pain this morning.  Anyway, in other news, because of the stress of moving and all the tension in the house and the stress of having no job or money amongst all the other things that regularly stress me out, it's triggered my Bipolar.  I have Bipolar 1 which means I have psychotic features and it's very scary.  I've been going in and out of small episodes for about a week now.  But not the manic part, just the psychotic part.  I've never had just the psychotic part, and frankly, it's obviously more happy when coupled with the mania.  On Monday I had a bout of it at partial and they called crisis screeners because I was isolated in the corner of a small group room because I was "scared" of nothing in particular.  Well, people kind of.  I just got this overwhelming feeling that I wasn't safe and had to retreat from reality apparently.  Suddenly there were a bunch of people in the room trying to figure out what to do with me.  I'd just started taking my antipsychotic again after a month and a half of not having it, and I suppose it wasn't working yet.  Anyway, they wanted to send me to a hospital to get my meds re-evaluated, but I begged and pleaded with them, and they agreed to let me stay on the condition that I call them the next day (my day off from partial) and let them know I was okay.  Anyway, the last two days it's been a little better.

The only other thing that's really going on in my life is me seeing Rusty, but not "seeing" him, just hanging out but with sex.  I don't know what's going to happen.  Other than that, I'm going to see today if I can apply for SSD so I can have some money.  I'm sure with my record of ten hospitalizations in the last 7-8 years, half of them for ED and the other because I suppose I'm just crazy, I can get something.  That's all for now I suppose.

The bittersweet feeling of Weigh-in Wednesday

Sorry it's been a few days.  I want to talk about a lot of things.  I went to partial yesterday and it was weigh-in day.  I don't know why, but I had a feeling the nurse, Johana, wasn't going to be there.  My feeling was right.  I went into my case manager's office and asked who was going to weigh me.  She said since Johana wasn't there, no one could go in her office (where the scale is).  I told her it's really important to me that I get weighed the same day every week.  She told me to go on the scale in the kitchen.  I don't like that scale because it's an analog scale and the one in Johana's office is digital and measures by .2 increments.  She said go on the scale in the kitchen and come back to tell her what it says.  Frustrated, I went in there and took off my jacket, shoes and jewelry.  I noticed the scale wasn't calibrated, so I searched for a reset button on the back.  I found it, but couldn't find anything small enough to press it in.  Fair enough.  I saw that it was over by two pounds, so I would deduct that from whatever it said when I stepped on.  I took a deep breath and stepped on the stupid scale.  Taking off the two pounds, I'm 98lbs.  I wasn't sure whether or not to believe it.  I though I'd eaten a little more this week.  I went into Shumayl's (my case manager) office and reported the weight.  She said, "Oh, that's what you weighed last Wednesday, right?"  I said, "No, last week I was 103.8.  I lost 5 or so pounds."  She gave me a disappointed look.  I told her I don't know how accurate it is and she said on Friday Johana will be here to re-weigh me on the digital scale.  For the remainder of the day at partial, all I could think about was if the scale was right or not.  I started individual therapy there with the intern, Joanne.  She's nice, but she's a little too bubbly for me.  We talked about the eating disorder, seeing as that's why they decided to give me individual for 6-7 weeks because basically I feel like an outcast.  Another thing that happened (you'll have to excuse the jumping around, my thoughts are very scattered) is that after I got weighed I decided to sign up for lunch.  I originally signed up for PBJ but then decided to change it to spaghetti & meatballs (and asked for no meatballs) because it has less exchanges.  I ate it, and I also ate a granola bar that I'd brought to make it look good.  I came home and was very tired.  I made some phone calls and ate three more granola bars.  I was trying to do well, but it was really killing me.  I took a nap because I was wiped out from God knows what.  I was awoken at least four times because people decided it was a great night to blow up my phone, which because of that, has no minutes now.  The last person to call me was Rusty (my ex, in case you guys forgot, that I lost my virginity to at age 13 and that I've been seeing the last two weeks).  He wanted to hang out after he got off from work at 11:30.  I said sure, and he asked me to stay over.  After confirming with my mom, who really couldn't care less, I told him yes.  He picked me up and we went to WaWa because I needed cigarettes and something compelled me to get a hoagie.  I got the hoagie and my cigarettes and 40oz of diet Mountain Dew.  I ate the hoagie, which was worth about 7 or 8 exchanges, and we went back to his house.  I had a Coke Zero and we watched a movie.  After the movie we had sex of course, because for some reason I can't go over there without us having sex.  And in between all the movie watching and sex and cigarettes, I weighed myself on his scale.  He has a Weight Watchers scale, digital of course, and .1 increment measurements.  Well I stepped on it at first and it said 107.3.  I freaked the fuck out in my head while he said, "Good!" AS IF.  No, this shouldn't make me upset.  No, no, no.  But it did.  I weighed myself every time I went in the bathroom (about three more times), and the lowest it got down to before I went to bed was 107.1 so I was pissed.  I couldn't sleep at all, got maybe about ~3 hours, then finally decided to stay up around 9am this morning and weigh again.  104.3 it said.  Okay, this is horrible.  Now if I get weighed tomorrow they'll think I'm lying about it saying 98.  The ED solution: don't eat today, exercise like crazy.  He dropped me off and the first thing I did, after buying a Powerade Zero at WaWa, was run.  Even though I have exercise-induced asthma, Ed didn't care.  I had to run.  And I did it for as long as I could until I just couldn't breathe any more.

I talked to my old school counselor on the phone.  She really helps me because not only does she understand and justify how I feel, she also kicks my ass about it, which I need.  I'm still waiting for a call from Ollie, but I don't know when that's going to happen and I'm sure she's not jumping to call me anyway because she knows I'm doing bad.  I feel ashamed to be in a relapse.  I was supposed to do well.  I want to do well.  I need to break this cycle.  I need fucking help and nothing now is helping and I want to quit but I can't.  I am so stuck and it's my fault and no one can help me if I don't want it, but I do and don't at the same time.  I don't know why, but I think maybe I'd be more likable at a lower weight.  Not a dangerously low weight, but a lower one.  But the problem is I get there and don't stop.  I want to rip my hair out, I fucking hate this shit, I FUCKING HATE HAVING AN EATING DISORDER AND I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT AND I WANT IT TO GO AWAY FOREVER.  AND I HATE MYSELF BECAUSE THIS SHIT IS ALL MY FUCKING FAULT AND BECAUSE OF THAT PEOPLE ARE RELUCTANT TO HELP ME BUT I WANT THIS FUCKING SHIT OUT OF MY HEAD, I FUCKING HATE IT, I WANT IT TO FUCKING STOP.  I don't know what to do next... I'm sorry.

Update and some poetry... again

So I lost more weight (only like, 1.8lbs, but now they're upset because I'm under 105).  I've been trying to eat a little more and I think I have.  I've done 30-60% of my meal plan since Wednesday.  Yesterday was  my last day at work, and instead of working 3-8 like I was scheduled, I worked 3-11:15 so I got a few more hours.  I got my permit on Thursday.  My mom was a nervous wreck today trying to teach me to drive her stick, and I failed miserably not only because it's been three years since I've tried, but because she was panicking the whole time and I was under a lot of pressure.  So I give up.  I'm saving for an automatic and learning on that.  There are too many things to do and pay attention to on a stick and it's hard to learn that.  Anyway, today was mother's day and we all cleaned out her car.  I got her a card and an expensive candle that was $11 (and it was small).  I went to the bank yesterday and found out they closed all my accounts but the lady who helped me was really, really nice and stayed 30 minutes past closing time to help me open a new one.  We went to see a potential house today.  The woman is going to give us a call later this week and my mom said we'll go there if we're approved.  It's really nice.  Three bedrooms plus a full basement and attic that serves as a fourth bedroom.  It's in the city and on a main road, but we live on a main road now so it won't be much different.  There's even a garage (we don't have one here) but it's single-car so when I get my car I'll have to park somewhere on the street if there's any freaking room.  It's right across from a cemetery so I think my older brother is a little freaked by that, or at least he thinks ghosts are going to come into our house or something, I don't know, he's on something.  Tomorrow my aunt is picking me up to see my father finally and then I'm going to partial but I'll only be there for the last group and I'm only going because it's mandatory and it's a private group that you have to be eligible for.  It's a DBT group.  I've only been there once but it's really good and I like the counselor who runs it. Also, I just wrote a poem that I want to share, and that will be the end of the post:

An Angel's Message


As I wander through the halls in my mind
I find several doors neatly aligned
Some are half open, others need a key
The rest are unmarked and leave my mind intrigued

Most of them are white,
Others are run-down
But at the end of the hall,
One more was to be found

Small in size, I was unsure
As I'd never seen this door before
It wasn't there earlier, I recalled
So I got on all fours and prepared to crawl

The knob seemed to stick
As if it were older
And as I crawled through
I suddenly felt colder

As I set my eyes on memories
I had to stop and stare
And then what caught my eye
Was the sign that read "BEWARE"

Curious, I was, just like a kid
A box read "DO NOT OPEN"
But of course, instead I did

The light that shone through the window
Quickly grew dim
And then I felt the energy
That could only come from "him"

I turned quickly to face him,
The evil from my past
With an evil grimace on his face,
He shouted to me, "Run fast!"

The door grew taller
As I fled from the scene
And without thinking, I brought myself
To a door with a screen

This door was locked
And I held no key
So I took a chance and knocked
As fear washed over me

To my surprise it opened,
A room filled with light
I feel to my knees
And cried with all my might

"Here you are safe,"
A voice suddenly said
"Who are you?  Where am I?"
I thought I might be dead

Before me was an angel
Her halo shining bright
"You can never go back."
I knew she was right

I told her of my troubles
And how I feel alone
She said, "I will always be there,
and never far from home."

I asked her what I should do
And told her I can't deal
She said, "Your life is up to you,
and only time can heal."

Confused, I asked her more
But she said she had to leave
And suddenly I'm outside the door
With a note hanging from my sleeve

"You control your life,
don't let it control you."
I closed the note and smiled
Because I know just what to do

Life fucking sucks at the moment

I'm officially laid off, I have to look for a new job, I filed an unemployment claim, we have to move, I have no money and neither does my mom.  My mom isn't eating and she's drinking too much; we almost got into an accident last night because she decided to drink WAY too much and then pick me up from work; I had to take care of her last night and force her to eat something because she hadn't eaten in two days;  I have too much to do and too much on my mind; I have to go to the DMV on Thursday to re-take my permit test; I still haven't studied much of the book; I get weighed tomorrow and I'm doing shitty on my meal plan; They're going to be mad because I lost weight again (we'll just see how much tomorrow); I can't have a fucking second to think about shit; I'm overwhelmed; I still don't have meds because of insurance issues; I have 25 days to finish this scarf for Erica's daughter and no time to do it; I WANT TO EXPLODE.  There's your update.

It's been a depressing day

Not just because of the horrible raining earlier in the day here.  I went to work and did my usual - went to aisle 1 to get my Powerade Zero.  One of the Alicias was doing self-scan and she called me over.  I scrunched my hair and wore make-up and earrings today so I made a joke like, "Do I look sexy today?" and she just gave me a look and told me they've been having meetings all day because Acme is laying off 900 employees throughout the branches.  I didn't know what to say.  I was to attend the 6:30 meeting.  I had customers non-stop so I was occupied but thinking about it the whole hour before the meeting.  We went up to the break room.  It was me, both of the Alicias, Jenn and Erika.  We watched a video and got a letter from one of the CEOs of Acme basically saying we're doing shitty and we need to lay people off.  They're doing it by whoever has the least seniority.  That's me.  I've only been there a little over three months.  I started crying, but I really tried hard not to.  I love my job and I love having a job.  This is not fair.  I'm a hard worker and I've gotten employee of the month.  I worked twice as hard as most people there.  But of course it's not a matter of how hard I work.  I'm one of the lowest on the totem pole.  Tomorrow they get the list of who goes and Tim and Erika will be having one-on-one meetings with those on said list.  I know it's going to be me.  They've only hired about 5 people, if that, since I started.  Jenn told me to apply to ShopRite as soon as I get home.  Of course, this isn't definite until they get the list tomorrow.  But just judging by my seniority, I know my name will be on the list.  It's just so depressing.  Those who are on the list are effectively laid off starting May 7th.  That gives us another week and another paycheck.  At least they give us a week to look for another job.  But now I'm not going to see Jenn, and she was like my confidant.  And I have absolutely no control over this.  No one does.  It kills me.  I cannot take change.  Acme has been there for me for three months.  This probably sounds ridiculous too any sane person.  People there joke with me because I like working there and all everyone else does is complain about everything. This is one of many chapters in my life that I didn't want to end.  And they better tell me on my break tomorrow so I have time to cry about it.

Update and some poetry

A few things to start... Yesterday was weigh-in day.  I only lost 1.4lbs the last week.  So it's less than I thought I'd lost but I'm betting that completing my meal plan on Sunday had something to do with it.  The scale said 105.6 but I take at least half a pound off for my clothes and another half a pound for the two cups of water I drank before being weighed.  So technically I'm more like 104.6 and that makes me under what they want me to be but since it's still 105.6 to them, all they said was don't lose anything more.  I got upset because eating disordered thoughts have increasingly crept back into my head.  I really do want to recover but I don't want to gain the weight.  So long as I'm eating something every day I don't think there's a problem, even though I should be eating more since I'm only doing 10-50% of my meal plan every day.  Except yesterday.  I was 68% yesterday.  After getting upset at partial about the weight thing the nurse, Johana, and one of the case managers, Maria, talked to me.  Maria doesn't take bullshit so she asked me when I last ate and I told her the day before at lunch I had applesauce and that's it and she said I need to eat something now.  I told her I brought lunch but Johana already knew that the lunch I've been bringing is two packets of fruit snacks.  I agreed to eat a PBJ at lunch and they were happy with that, but I wasn't.  I threw up bile yesterday morning, which is odd because it usually takes a couple days of not eating to do that.  Anyway, I ate dinner last night too.  My mom made this beef pasta stuff so that was a good amount of exchanges.  I went to work and Jenn was there.  I got hungry at work!  For the first time in months, I was freaking hungry.  Jenn gave me some pears that she had and I ate them.  Then I was still hungry.  I was so confused.  Why was I hungry when I had a PBJ for lunch and I ate dinner?  I bought a pack of Twizzlers and ate four servings of them (12 pieces) and gave the rest to my little brother when I got home.  Today so far all I've had was a bowl of cereal, but I've only been up for about an hour.  I called Ollie and left her a message because she hasn't been responding to my emails and I still need to know about the partial program.  I have work tonight and I'm closing again.  Jenn is closing though so that's good.  Anyway, I wanted to post two poems I wrote.  The first one was written on the 23rd and the second I wrote last night:

The Trap


Crawling on the surface of my skin
Is the feeling of desperation exploding from within
A plea I make but don't follow through
A thought I think becomes an action I won't do

I run the first few miles with ease
And find myself off track
Then wander aimlessly through the trees
And wonder why I had to look back

I thought I was running in a crowd
But alone I was all along
My now quiet whisper was once so loud
When I still believed I was strong

I searched for the answers in every book
But never were they found
And after taking another look
I quit and turned around

Lonely and lost I stand
My mind overwhelmed with confusion
I reached out for a helping hand
Then cried at the illusion

I know what I am doing wrong
But can't find another way
I need for Hope to come along
And tell me that she'll stay

----
That one is about being in between recovery and relapse.  It's truly how I feel at the moment.
----

Sink or Swim


When it starts again
It's crazy how it happens
I feel the rush
One minute I'm here, the next,
Lost in its pull,
Suffocating
I listen to its commands
I can't disobey, so
I follow every irrational rule
I plunge deeper into the void
Until I realize I'm drowning
I can't come up for air

I swam too far out,
Forgetting how to tread water
The ocean of my disease...
I struggle until it
Pulls me in with its strong waves
Drowns my thoughts
The lifeguard can't see me
Then I am invisible
My hopeless tears mix
Cold and wet,
With the water that carries me away
I wait to be saved

----
This poem is really two different poems put together.  I like doing it.  I call them "reading between the lines" poems because every other line is one poem, the opposite lines are the other.  So really, if I split them up, this is what they would look like:
----

When it starts again
I feel the rush
Lost in its pull,
I listen to its commands
I follow every irrational rule
Until I realize I'm drowning

I swam too far out
The ocean of my disease
Pulls me in with its strong waves
The lifeguard can't see me
My hopeless tears mix
With the water that carries me away

----

It's crazy how it happens.
One minute I'm here, the next,
Suffocating.
I can't disobey, so
I plunge deeper into the void.
I can't come up for air

Forgetting how to tread water,
I struggle until it
Drowns my thoughts.
Then I am invisible.
Cold and wet,
I wait to be saved.

----

I really like writing in between the lines.  It's funny how I started writing like that.  I was in the middle of my big manic episode about a year ago, and everything made sense if I did it ass-backwards.

Bad decisions

Today was crazy but boring, for the most part.  My mom woke me up at 10am (my meds have made me incapable of waking up to any sound whatsoever, i.e. - my alarm clock) so I could get ready for work.  I had a bowl of cereal before going into work at 12.  Worked dragged by.  We closed at 4 today because of the Easter holiday.  Nothing really interesting happened at work, except one of the Shannons and I played detective and stalked a suspicious customer and scared him out of the store.  I got home and my mom made Easter dinner.  She cooked ham with applesauce on the side, potatoes au gratin, and corn on the cob.  I had everything but the corn on the cob.  I usually love corn on the cob, but just didn't feel like eating it.  My mom got on my case about not having a vegetable, so I had some v8 instead.  I had two blueberry strudel bites from last night after dinner.  I went for a walk about half an hour later and burned about 100 calories.  Not that I should have been tracking that anyway, but it just happened to record the calories on my Nike+ app on my iPod.  I came home and worked on some knitting for a while.  Around 9pm I called an ex boyfriend of mine, Rusty.  I have a long history with him.  I've known him since I was 12, and we dated off and on since I was 13.  I don't know what made me call him.  I guess just because I felt like getting out of the house and knew he would jump on the idea.  While I waited for him to pick me up, I ate two fruit snacks, a granola bar and a yogurt.  I don't have a clue why.  I guess I was telling myself I wanted to do better today.  He picked me up and we went to Wawa where I bought a low-fat strawberry milk, a single serving package of peanut butter cookies (2 cookies) and some Starburst Gummies.  We went back to his house and watched a movie while I ate what I'd bought.  Of course, every time we end up at his house, regardless of if we're together or not at the time, we end up having sex.  He is in fact the guy I lost my virginity to at age 13.  First he told me he wanted to kiss me and I said no because it would lead to other things and he promised it wouldn't... but of course it did.  I really don't know how I feel about it.  I mean, I could have stopped him at any time, but I didn't.  I just don't want it to be a regular thing, especially if we're not together.  It makes me feel sleazy.  I don't want to be with him ever again because pretty much all our relationship amounts to is sex.  He's so negative and puts down things I believe in and my opinions.  So I don't know what's going to happen, but I need to stick to my decision of not getting back with him.  It's the last thing I need right now.  Plus he's so depressed and I can't have that on me while I'm trying to get better.  So there, done deal.

I calculated my totals for the day and had four extra carbs which made up for three missing exchanges and gave me and extra exchange so I was more than complete for the day.  But the thing is, I'm counting things I'm not supposed to count as per Ollie's meal plan for me.  Like milk.  It's just supposed to be milk.  But I count whole milk as a milk and a lipid and the strawberry milk I had tonight counted for two proteins and four carbs as well.  I'll have to ask Ollie about it, but I'm sure she's just going to yell at me and tell me to knock it off.  I don't know why  I'm telling myself it's okay to not eat tomorrow since I don't have work.  I kind of told myself I need a day off from eating.  But then I realize that normal people don't take a "day off" from eating.  But then I told myself I'm not normal, I'm anorexic.  And then I told myself I'm not supposed to be anorexic, etc., etc.  Blah, blah, blah.  Constant war in my head and I don't know who wins.

Someone needs to knock some sense into my thick head

I'm not in much of a mood to give much of an update.  I'm really exhausted.  I'm still not doing well, if not worse than I already have been.  I ate at about 2am this morning because I couldn't sleep.  I had a bag of kettle corn and 2 cups of granola with milk (I ate it as cereal) so that was most of my exchanges.  Since I'd already totaled for the day from yesterday, I put it on today's exchanges.  It totaled 11 carb exchanges (that granola was packed with carbs), 2 lipids and 3 proteins.  So I told myself I can't each much today because of that.  I didn't eat all day and at work I was really shaky and out of it so Jenn gave me a granola thin which really doesn't count as anything for just one of them.  I bought these blueberry strudel bites and ate one.  I counted the granola thin and one strudel bite as 1 lipid and 1 carb.  That's all I've eaten all day, excluding the 2am snack.  I feel like shit and I have a monstrous headache.  But counting the 2am snack with those two things I ate today, I did 62.9% of my meal plan.  Excluding the 2am snack I did 5.7%.  Tomorrow I really have to eat something before I go to work if I already feel shitty now.  I have to be at work at 12 and I'm a bagger tomorrow which means I'll be running around more.  I'm really trying not to fall back into this completely.  I don't know why it's so hard.  On Wednesday I get weighed at partial again and I'm pretty sure they're under the impression that they can whisk me off to the hospital if I go under 105 (probably already am), but I hope they know that they can't because I'm not medically compromised and they don't have a court order, and even though I'm underweight, it's not dangerously low.  Even though technically I'm already at the "anorectic" BMI for my height.  I can NOT go back in the hospital.  I'll lose my job.  Guess I should start eating more.  I don't know.  I'm so fucking stressed out because they gave me even MORE hours this week than last week.  I don't know how I'm going to survive all this every week if they keep giving me insane hours.  And I'm afraid to ask them to give me less because I know they need me and that's why they gave them to me.  I should be grateful, and I would be if I didn't have to do partial three days a week as well.  I'm so tired and I feel like a blob of shit.  I can't even think straight because there's just too much going through my head.  I need to get my shit together before I start losing too much or using too many behaviors.  If only I had time to figure out how to do that.

Stress and losing weight... here we go again

So I don't really feel like writing a long update.  Nothing is really new (except for what I will write), I'm still super stressed and annoyed and exhausted.  Still fucking up my meal plan.  I went to parital today and the nurse there weighed me.  I lost 4.6lbs since last Wednesday.  She said she doesn't want me to go under 105.  Well if the rest of the week and next week is anything like this week, that might happen, sorry.  But I don't have work tonight so I shoved some Pringles in my face... the light ones that are fat free.  So there's two carbs.  Yesterday I did 20% of my meal plan and Monday I did 14.3% of it.  Today so far I had a cup of grapes and 8oz of OJ for breakfast, two fruit snacks for lunch, an Ensure and two servings of light Pringles: 3 fruits, 4 carbs, one of three supplements.  But I feel sick so I'm not eating any more.  And I'm tired.  I just generally feel like shit and have been for the last... oh, since I got out of the hospital.  I'm still trying to contact Ollie but she's not responding to my emails or calls.  I really don't have anyone else as a go-to person.  I feel bad because I keep calling her and emailing her and I guess I should wait until she responds to send another email, but she did tell me that I can email her as often as I'd like.  It would just be nice if she responded to them.  She's only responded to the first one I sent her since I was discharged.  I've talked to her on the phone since, but not really about anything that I need to talk to her about because she's so busy.  Maybe I'm being selfish.  Either way, I don't really care right now.  I'm too exhausted to give a shit.  Tonight is my only night off from work this week and I don't know what to do with myself.  I don't know if I'm physically capable of taking a nap.  It took me two hours to fall asleep last night.  I just can't sleep right.  I'm so tired but won't fall asleep and can't stay asleep.  But I can't stand laying there and doing nothing just because I don't have energy to do anything other than lay there, but too much energy (more like rapid thoughts that won't stop) to fall asleep.  I was seen by a psychiatrist at partial today finally and she put me back on a medication I was taken off of due to the rash I had while I was in the hospital.  The doctor at the hospital just didn't want to put me back on it because he wasn't sure what was causing the rash since I had it a week after stopping the Lamictal.  Oh well.  She says it will help me sleep and make me less anxious, which is why I was on it in the first place.  I hope it works.

It's a lonely world

Ugh.  Last night I had an actual meal for dinner, although I still didn't get all of my exchanges in.  I had pizza, which counts for my protein, carbs and fat.  I just didn't have a milk or vegetable, but why would I eat a vegetable with pizza unless it's on my pizza (which I hate)?  So I ended up doing better yesterday than I did both days before.  Around 70% because I had an extra slice to make up for some exchanges from earlier in the day.  Today so far I haven't eaten but I had an Ensure.  I'm going to be busy all day long.  I'm getting ready to leave and go shopping for a present for my cousin's baby and then we're going food shopping and to her baby's first birthday party.  Then we have to leave the party early and come home so I can get ready for work at 5.  At least they'll have food at the party I would assume.  Hopefully something other than cake, because I despise cake (not an eating disorder thing either, just never liked it).  I spent a lot of time last night realizing how lonely I feel.  I have friends who I never see and barely talk to unless it's on Facebook, and even there I don't talk to them a lot.  Everyone has a life and I'm not part of it.  I just work all the time or stay home or (now) go to partial.  I really do horribly when I'm lonely.  I'm a very social person and I thrive in a group setting.  I believe that's one of the reasons why I do so well in treatment.  I'm living with a bunch of other people who have to do the same thing every day.  When I'm home I'm just with my mom and my brothers.  My mom is a basket case most of the time and my brothers do their own thing and leave me out of it, which I don't mind because I don't like their computer games, but they don't even really talk to me much either.  The only time I'm around other people is at work and I can't really even talk to anyone because, duh, I'm working.  I just want to be around my friends and have fun at least half of the time.  I can be responsible and still have friends.  I just don't want to be miserable.  My dad was miserable and lonely and sometimes I feel like I know exactly how he felt before he died.  Sometimes I wish I could just call him and tell him I understand and I love him.  But I can't.  I'll never get to tell him.  Today I'm going to ask my Aunt Becky at the party if she can take me to see him.  I still haven't seen him since the funeral.  I need to talk to my daddy.

SO STRESSED.

I'm so fucking stressed out.  I did horrible on my meal plan yesterday.  Well, about the same as I did the day before.  About 57% again but that's with counting a Sprite and some root beer as carbs, which I'm not supposed to do.  Today is bad so far.  My breakfast was 8oz of grape juice and an Ensure and lunch was a granola bar and a cup of root beer because there's nothing else to drink.  I worked last night and I was freaking out.  First I wore the wrong shoes to work because I forgot to change into my work shoes.  They put me on register for the first time since I've been back and the second I went to my register there was a customer so I was trying to sign on and forgot how and the customer was getting impatient so I had to ask how to sign on and look retarded.  The belt that brings the groceries to the end was broken so I was doing a work out by scanning and turning and leaning to put them all down there as fast as I could.  Then the clock on the phone at my register was an hour fast and I was freaking out because it said 7:45 and I was supposed to go on break at 7 so I kept asking Jenn and she finally let me and then I got outside and check my phone and realized it was only 6:45 and I hadn't even been there for two hours and then I looked really ridiculous.  Sabrina called me yesterday to ask when I could work this week and I told her my regular schedule applies (which means I can come in after 5 on weekdays and anytime on weekends) except for Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays when I have partial I can come in after 5:30.  Tell me how I'm working 6 days this week and 28 hours.  The best part?  I have partial on Monday and then working 6-close.  And I'm closing on Tuesday too.  Wednesday I have off, Thursday I'm working 6-10 and Friday, also a partial day, she scheduled me for 4-8. I JUST TOLD YOU I CAN'T FUCKING COME IN UNTIL AFTER 5:30 ON MY PARTIAL DAYS! AND I DON'T WORK THAT EARLY ON WEEKDAYS EVER ANYWAY, ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? ARE YOU TRYING TO FUCKING PUT ME INTO OVERDRIVE BY MAKING ME WORK SO MANY FUCKING HOURS ON MY FIRST WEEK BACK WHEN I HAVE TO SPEND 19.5 HOURS A WEEK AT MY FUCKING PARTIAL PROGRAM? ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME GO FUCKING CRAZIER THAN I AM, BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING WORKING, YOU DICKWAD.  Jesus.  When the fuck am I going to get to eat?  I fucking give up on this shit.  It's just too fucking much.  Well, sorry, Sabrina, but I'm not coming in at 4 on Friday.  You can kiss my ass, 'cause I'll be there when I fucking get there.  How about I come in when I TOLD YOU I was available, hmm?  Yeah.  Today I woke up and my mom was at a craft show this morning.  When she got back we were supposed to go to the pharmacy to get my meds because I got a new insurance letter from my worker and then to the post office to mail Kelly's package.  My friend Alicia from work called me and asked if I wanted to go to the mall with her.  So I called my mom and told her I'd leave all the stuff to be mailed and my insurance stuff for the pharmacy so she could do it for me while I'm gone.  I showered and told Alicia I was ready and she said she was waiting for her dad to come home and she would call when she's on her way.  My mom came home and about an hour passed and I still hadn't heard from Alicia and then another half an hour later she called and said we couldn't go because her dad wasn't home.  Okay, so then I could do errands with my mom.  We went to the pharmacy and I explained that I was there last weekend and I have what they told me to bring.  I gave them the insurance letter and then waited.  They told me it was rejected because it's not my primary insurance.  IT IS MY FUCKING PRIMARY INSURANCE! WHO THE FUCK ELSE AM I COVERED BY? NO ONE! JESUS FUCKING CHRISTMAS. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, MAKE UP AN IMAGINARY INSURANCE? I NEED MY MOTHERFUCKING MEDICATION, YOU FUCKING TWIT.  GOT FORBID I TOOK INSULIN OR SOMETHING THAT I NEEDED RIGHT AWAY BECAUSE I WOULD FUCKING SUE YOUR ASS.  I'm so fucking pissed, I'm so fucking stressed out and fucking anxious all the time and I can't fucking take this shit.  Nothing is going right and I'm so exhausted and I want to fucking scream because this is all fucking bullshit.  At least I mailed Kelly's package without a problem.  Now I'm going to be home and bored all day because it's nasty outside and I have so much to do but I really don't feel like doing shit.  But I have to.  I fucking quit.

Busy and struggling

I apologize for the lack of blogging.  I've been really busy and there's a lot to tell, but I'm not going into major detail for the most part simply because I'm tired and lazy and there's just too much.

I started the partial program on Monday and it sucks.  Everyone there is either mentally retarded or extremely psycho.  One woman spent ten minutes trying to convince me she's not a paranoid schizophrenic.  Yeah.  I hate it there.  It's just groups all day and lunch.  There are more than thirty people there and it's so small and horrible.  I only have to go Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays because I'm a good con artist.  On Wednesday I came an hour and a half late because they didn't pick me up so I had to call and have them come, and then I only stayed for two hours because I got really anxious and just needed to get out of there.  It's so horrible.  They're a bunch of low-functioning depressed and whatever else older people.  Not like, old, but I'm by far the youngest of all 30+ of them.  I'd rather be in the adolescent partial, and that's saying something.  I was supposed to go today but they didn't pick me up again and I stayed home.  Because, you know, I was just chomping at the bit to go there for six and a half hours *rolls eyes*.

I've been making videos and putting them on YouTube.  They're about an old woman named Ethel and all the crazy stuff she says and does.  Everything is done by me of course.  I do the voices, all the effects and music, and draw all the scenes (poorly) on Paint.  I started making them because of a tech named Joy in the hospital.  I made the Ethel character about a year ago when I was at the same program and Joy always thought it was funny.  When I came back this time she asked me how Ethel was, and I totally forgot about Ethel, but we started talking in Ethel voices again.  Yeah, I probably sound crazy right now, but if you knew me in real life then you'd be used to it.  If anyone's interested, the link to my YouTube channel is here.

I've been doing pretty bad on my meal plan.  Yesterday was particularly horrible.  I had six of my twelve required starches, two out of four proteins, four out of five fruits, three out of six fats, two out of three milks, all my veggies, and only one out of three Ensures.  Of course I calculated this, and the percent of my meal plan completed for yesterday was 57.1%.  So far today I've had six out of eight carbs, three out of four fruits,  one out of two milks, two out of four proteins, one out of four fats.  Total percentage so far: 59%.  So today is going better so far at least.  They weighed me at partial the other day and I haven't gained or lost so there are no red flags yet.  I knew skipping a few exchanges wouldn't hurt me.  Ollie's got me on 3150 calories and there's just no way.  I emailed her a million times about my meal plan but haven't heard from her yet.  It's not an emergency anyway.

I started work last night.  I only worked four hours and I did tags the whole time, which was new to me but it was fun and easy and the time flew by.  I'm working again tonight from 5-9 and Sabrina called me to put me on the schedule for this week.

And even though the battle was won, I feel like we lost it.

I already don't care

I spent last night crying myself to sleep.  I'm really struggling mentally.  Sometimes I feel like I'll be sick forever.  I do fine when I go into treatment but when I come back here I feel like shit again.  I have nowhere else to go and I have to deal with it but it's so hard and I feel so alone.  I hope I feel better when I start getting therapy.  I hope I have a nice therapist and psychiatrist.  I can't stand feeling like this.  I need the rest of my medication too.

I felt like shit most of today.  I woke up around 9 and got up to smoke my morning cigarette.  I instantly felt nauseated when I stood up out of bed.  My whole body was shaking like crazy.  I rushed my cigarette and stumbled into the bathroom and lifted up the toilet seat.  I felt my stomach turn like I was going to be sick, but nothing came up so I slowly lied down on the floor and focused on my breathing.  My mom knocked on the door and asked if I was okay.  I told her I didn't feel good and she came in.  She said I shouldn't eat breakfast if I feel sick.  Great advice, Mom.  I got up and asked her to put my breakfast together for me.  I knew she wouldn't bother to carefully measure the amount of peanut butter on my toast or the amount of cereal, but I didn't care.  I walked back into the living room and crawled back into bed for five minutes while my mom prepared my two slices of peanut butter toast, banana, 2 servings of Fruity Pebbles and orange juice.  She brought it to the table and I walked over to eat.  I really didn't feel like eating.  I wanted to go back to bed.  I ate it anyway, go me.  I sat after breakfast for a while and I was still really shaky but I felt a tad less nauseous.  I crawled back in my bed again and worked on Kelly's scarf.  I pretty much played Guitar Hero and went on Facebook all day.  I had lunch around 2:15 - peanut butter and jelly, yogurt, grape juice and a fruit cup.  I was short two carbs.  I didn't care.  I had an Ensure after breakfast and didn't want to have any more.  Before dinner I went running.  Totally illegal for me right now, but I don't care about that either.  It's not going to kill me and I doubt a ten minute jog will make me lose any weight.  I didn't even run the whole time because I have exercise-induced asthma and I can't breathe if I go for more than a minute if it's just jogging.  Plus my inhaler is empty because my mom took it and used whatever was left in there for herself and then lost it.  Good job.  Anyway, I came home and hopped in the shower.  I really wonder, does your hair fall out even more with re-feeding?  I always notice that it comes out in even bigger clumps when I re-feed than when I'm starving myself.  It's very annoying.  After my shower I fixed myself some leftover bow-tie lasagna from Friday night, two servings of peas, 8 oz of milk and a bagel with cream cheese.  I got all my exchanges, provided I put enough lasagna on my plate to count for two carb exchanges, which I'm pretty sure I did.  I would have to have 1 cup, which I'm pretty sure I did.  If not, who cares.  Not gonna kill me.  After dinner I played Guitar Hero and then called Erica because I haven't talked to her in a while.  I called Kelly and talked to her for about five minutes and then called the patient phone at the hospital at 10:30 but no one could talk.  My older brother came home from his friend's house and we chatted for a little bit.  I played Guitar Hero some more and had my last cigarette for the night.  I stopped shaking finally.  Maybe because I've been carrying a 64oz bottle of Gatorade around and chugging it all day.  I'm going to bed soon.

Tomorrow I'm being picked up at 9 by a transportation service to be taken to my intake appointment at the outpatient place I'm going to.  I hope everything works out and I can just go once or twice a week to just see a therapist and not have to do the actual partial program.  We'll see.

Downfalls

Today started out well.  I woke up before eight this morning and made french toast for breakfast.  So my breakfast was 2 slices of french toast, peanut butter on a slice of white bread, 8 oz of milk and a fruit cup.  My mom took me to the DMV in hopes to get my driver's permit.  I got there and filled out the paperwork and paid ten dollars and the woman told me to go down some hallway to take the knowledge test.  When I got there the man there told me they weren't giving the test out for the rest of the day because there were too many people already waiting to take the test so I should come back on Tuesday.  What a waste of time.  We went to the pharmacy to drop off my prescriptions and then to my work to go grocery shopping.  We bought a lot of stuff, including more Ensure, grape and orange juice, Gatorade and lettuce so I can easily do vegetable exchanges.  We left the grocery store and went home to clean out the fridge so we could fit the groceries in there.  I found some old magazines in a box in the kitchen so I took them to my bed and made a little collaged postcard to send to people who are in the hospital still.  Then we went back to the pharmacy to pick up my meds.  On the way there my mom really pissed me off.  So first she kept asking me my weight and at first I said I don't know.  Then I finally told her and she said, "Good, you weigh more than me now" and I was like, "Um, can we not compare ourselves?" and she said, "I'm not comparing, I'm just telling you how good it is to know that you weigh more than I do."  You're a great help, Mom.  So we get to the pharmacy and apparently my insurance didn't go through and they couldn't except my emergency insurance letter since I don't have my card yet still, so the only other option was to pay in cash.  My Invega (antipsychotic for bipolar disorder) was something like $539, the Lithium was $39.06, the Protonix (for my stomach) was something around $109 and the Reglan (also for stomach) was $11.99.  I called my mom into the store and she agreed to pay for the Lithium since we figured I would need that the most.  They said if I get proof of insurance within the next 14 days then my mom can be reimbursed.  We left and went to Rita's (they sell water ice and custard and stuff of the like) so I could get my little brother a shake and I could get a kid's sized water ice for my snack carb exchange.  I spent the rest of my money and we went home.  My mom was making dinner because her boyfriend was supposed to come over.  Pork chops and baked potatoes.  She didn't even cook a vegetable, so I had to crack open a can of peas and heat it up.  For dinner I had a pork chop, a small baked potato, 8oz of milk, 8oz of grape juice and a salad with dressing.  I was short three carbs and I haven't even had my last two supplements for the day and I'm not going to because it's already one in the morning and I'm about to go to bed.  I emailed Ollie and told her about my day and how I'm also having horrible body image and I look like I weigh 130 or something.  Distended stomachs are not attractive and I can't get my stomach pills for God knows how long.  I played Guitar Hero 3 with my little brother for the rest of the night in between going out in the kitchen for smoke breaks and making phone calls.  My mom has been drunk since around 6pm (but she's sleeping now) and driving me crazy.  I can't stand it when she's drunk.  She gets drunk earlier on the weekends because she starts drinking so early.  6pm might not sound bad but that's because she only drinks beer now so it takes longer but she has about 10-12 beers a day I'd say.  She gets drunk every night pretty much and I hate it.  I'm stressed out already.  Why did I come back here?

It's time to start living

I was discharged today from the hospital.  I haven't been blogging much because I felt like people were constantly over my back watching my posts so it was a bit uncomfortable, but now that I'm home I will be regularly blogging again.

Being home feels almost unreal.  I feel like I need to be doing something when I actually should probably just be relaxing since I just got back from the hospital.  My mom is going to cook dinner and I'm going to try my best to fit my exchanges in.  I have an appointment on Monday at the outpatient place I'm supposed to go to.  They provide transportation if I'm to do the partial program.  The thing is, the therapist at the hospital doesn't want me to do the partial program, which is Mon-Fri from 9 in the morning to 3:30 in the afternoon, because it's a general psych place and she said she doesn't want me around a bunch of "loonies."  So the plan is I'm going to go for the intake and then tell them that I just want an outpatient therapist and psychiatrist that I can see once or twice a week.  If that happens, they won't provide transportation and my mom will have to drive me and it will have to be in the evening in which case I will have to work mornings on the days I have therapy and walk to work on those days.  It will be a struggle.  But I'd rather do that than have five days a week going to the partial program and then come home for an hour and spend the night at work.  I will be completely exhausted if I have to do that.  I'll do what I have to do though.  God, it feels so weird being home.  I can't get over it.  It's not like I was in the hospital for three and a half months like the last time I was at that program; I was there just short of three weeks, although it felt like much longer.

Tomorrow my mom is taking me grocery shopping.  I have to buy things that can fit my exchanges as well as supplements.  I'm not going to buy Ensures if I don't have to - I plan on buying Clif bars instead (1.5 Clif bars = 1 Ensure Plus).  I'm also going to get my paycheck.  Then we're going to the DMV so I can get my driver's permit finally.  That should be exciting.  I need to go to the bank to put money in there since I finally cancelled the recurring charge on my check card.  I will also need to eventually go to the post office when I finish knitting Kelly's scarf so I can get a bag to mail it to her in the hospital.  I can't wait to go back to work.  I feel like I'm going to be able to do much better.  I need to get my immunizations from my social worker so I can finish applying to college in the fall.  Since I'm going to be a dietitian, I already planned with Ollie, the dietitian from the hospital, that I'm going to be her intern when the time comes and eventually take her place at the hospital if I do well with my recovery so that I can be there and do what I want with my profession and work with the eating disordered patients.  I really want my life to turn around.  I'm tired of being stuck in this mess.  It's time to live.

Mundane hospital life

Not much to update on.  I hope I didn't maintain my weight again today because if so the doctor has threatened to increase my meal plan and I really don't want that.  I've been doing well and of course completing 100% still and going out for much needed smoke breaks.  I haven't had any visitors other than my friend's mom last weekend.  I wanted a meal pass for the weekend but no one can come see me and I'm not allowed to be by myself.  My grandparents are out of town and Jenn can't come because she's covering Alicia's shift.  I talked to her last night and she said she's really excited for me to come back.  I have to gain at least six more pounds to reach my goal weight.  My therapist wanted me to leave next week but the doctor said he doesn't want me to go until my rash from the allergic reaction (yes, I still have it) is gone and until he can put me back on some of my meds and be stable.  So he said late next week if I'm lucky and all of that works out but my rash is still there and it's not really clearing up.  It flares up and then calms down and doesn't really go away.

I have a new roommate who I already know from the last time I was inpatient at this program (when it was at another hospital).  But, last night she was taken to the medical side because she's severely dehydrated and her vitals are screwy so I don't know when she's coming back, and they already stripped her bed in case they need it for new admissions I suppose.  We have 21 patients now (that included Kristin, my roommate) and definitely not enough room for everyone.  It's been really crazy around here.

Anyway, I thought I'd update though there's not much to say.  Every day's pretty much the same.

Positive side of things

I'm doing really well.  More positive days than negative.  The only thing that's bothering me is body image stuff.  Especially since the doctor took me off of all my medications except for Lithium becasue I still have this rash on my stomach and we're trying to figure out what I'm allergic to.  So I'm off my Protonix and Reglan for my stomach which means more uncomfortable bloating.  Last night's dinner was really hard because I felt like I was eating so much and my stomach hurt and I looked like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade balloon.  It's so uncomfortable and hard.  I was told this refeeding bloat should go away within a few days but it's been 9 days now and I still have it.

Other than that I'm doing well.  I'm still completing 100% of my meals and gaining weight.  I am a little uncomfortable with how it's coming on though.  I know it's not evenly distributed yet, but still.  My face is a balloon.  I'm about 7-10lbs away from my goal weight.  I know I'll be here all of this week and at least part of next week if not all of next week as well.  I'm working on my goals.  When I get out my mom agreed to take me to the DMV so I can get my driver's permit.  I'm working on applying to school in the fall.  I want to get on with my life.

In need of an update?

Sorry I haven't been posting as often as I'd promised.  We do get a fair amount of free time here but most of the time the computers are taken by other patients (there are only three computers) or I'm just not in the mood to blog.

I'm continuing to complete 100% of my meals.  It's been more physically comfortable but I'm still very bloated and it's really starting to get to me.  I had a mini breakdown today because I just can't stand how I look.  I really do look pregnant from refeeding and it's driving me crazy.  I've already gained about ten pounds and it's killing me.  I feel so disgusted with myself.  I don't want to look fat.  But I'm trying so hard to tell myself that this is temporary and once my body is fully used to the food it will even out.  I just want to understand why I felt like this in the first place.  Why can't I go a minute without thinking about food and obsessing over my body?  Why have I made it so important?  It makes me upset not knowing or understanding my own thinking.  I really do want this eating disorder out of my life.  Obviously a few weeks in a hospital isn't going to do that, but it's a start.  If I could just understand what triggers me and how to get to the bottom of this then I think I will do great.  And the body image issues definitely need to be addressed.

I cried a lot today because I'm missing my dad.  I did journal however, so that helped a bit.  I feel like I need to scream and cry and go crazy to get it out of my system, because honestly, I really don't express my feelings about it in detail to anyone but myself.  And it's been so hard lately because putting all this food in my body is making me less numb and I'm starting to feel emotions again.  Real emotions besides anger.  When I was starving I was making myself numb.  This is so much harder and I almost want to give up, but I really can't.  I know I can do this, I just need to utilize my supports.  I'm trying to be as positive as I can although I still feel extremely shitty.  I feel like this will always be a win/lose situation and never a win/win.

My friend Michelle's mom came to visit me today.  I was in treatment with Michelle two years ago and that's the last time I actually saw her or her mom but I've talked to them since.  Her mom brought me two cards and this really beautfiul plastic blue ornament that's a hummingbird with little strings and beads dangling off of it and a book with inspirational things in it.  It really made me happy after I was crying.  She always says she wants to take me home with her.  She said she'll try to visit again soon.

I found out from the doctor the other day that my target weight for discharge is a minimum of 112-115lbs.  That's really scary for me right now, but I know I'm already over 100.  It happened too fast if you ask me.  I've already gained 10+ lbs since I've been here.  That's ridiculous.

I'm really emotional lately and now they've taken me off of my Lamictal (mood stabilizer) because I'm getting a reaction to it in the form of a beatiful giant rash on my stomach.  So that probably means the doctor will start me on some other kind of mood pill on Monday.  Meanwhile I've been given a Vistaril (my PRN for sleep and anxiety) because it's an antihistamine or however you spell it (this computer doesn't have spell check on the browser) and it's supposed to help because I don't have an order for Benadryl.  Which means I'm close to knock out seeing as I took it almost three hours ago.

I will try to update more often.  Not like anything really exciting happens.

Today was better

I woke up and did weigh-ins and vitals and showered.  Breakfast was good.  I had to wait to see if my vitals were okay enough to go out for smoke break because I was still technically on fall risk.  The nurse went to do my vitals again after breakfast but it was taking forever because the machine kept erroring and the other people were going to wait for me.  The nurse who did my vitals said I was good to go out but everyone already left without me so I couldn't go out until after lunch and I was super pissed.  The good news though is that I was taken off fall risk completely so now I can go as long as I do 100% of my meals, which I've been doing since I've been here.  I had individual therapy today with Jenn and we talked about my dad.  Then we had Ollie's nutrition group but I fell asleep through most of it.  Lunch was fine.  My stomach has been good today all day so that's good.  After lunch I went out for the smoke break and then we came back inside and I was supposed to have a family session with Dr. Rita on the phone with my mom.  My mom wouldn't answer her phone the first few times so Rita asked me what's been going on with me lately.  Then my mom finally answered and we talked about my older brother and my dad's death.  Rita wants to try to have a session with my older brother tomorrow, but I'm not sure how that will turn out.  He's so uncooperative to say the least.  After that we had a group where we just play Pictionary and it was fun because my team won.  Then it was free time.  I worked on knitting and I made a journal that I was supposed to make in art therapy but I missed it because I was with Dr. Rita.  Dinner went well and my stomach barely hurt afterwards, but I did feel really full.  After dinner I had my cigarette and Dr. Rita and Dr. Judy ran a family therapy group.  We were talking about recovery.  It was a good group.  Then we've had free time since except at 9pm snack.  I was kind of hyper all night.  I called my friend Michelle who I haven't talked to in forever.  Her mom is supposed to come see me on Saturday.  I'm more calm now and I'm waiting to see if we're going to be able to have our last cigarette or not because there's a new admission so it's possible and likely that we won't be able to have it.  If we can't I guess I'll just go to bed.  Tomorrow the doctor won't be here and neither will Jenn so I guess I'll have to deal with the on-call people.  But overall, today was better than the last few days.

First few days

Prepare yourselves for a long-ish update.  Monday morning I woke up and got ready to leave at 7 for inpatient.  I only got about two and a half hours of sleep Sunday night.  The social worker showed up around quarter after 7.  I had to stay awake for the ride because she didn't know where she was going and I had directions on my iPod.  It took us almost two hours to get here because of traffic.  We finally arrived and I went to the emergency room to be medically cleared.  I had to have an IV because I'm dehydrated.  I wanted to get on the unit before lunch because I wanted to be able to pick my menu.  I only stayed in the ER for about two or three hours before coming onto the unit.  I saw Ollie and Antoinette and the nurse Jenny and the doctor and Jenn the therapist.  It was almost unreal.  We went to lunch just twenty or so minutes after I came onto the unit.  I was overwhelmed with anxiety once a tray was placed in front of me.  Ollie sat with me and I ended up completing 100% of my meal.  I've done 100% at every meal for a cigarette, but it's so physically uncomfortable for me with my stomach.  I look so horrible and bloated and I feel like my stomach is going to explode.  So on Monday after dinner I went for a cigarette after the meal and I got dizzy so they brought me back on the unit in a wheelchair and put me on fall risk and told me I can't have a cigarette so I was upset.  I didn't smoke all day yesterday and I didn't smoke after breakfast or lunch today.  I saw the doctor today and begged him to let me smoke if my vitals were okay after dinner.  I was lucky and they were better because I tried drinking a lot more water so I wouldn't be orthostatic.  My pulse has been ranging in the 40s and 50s and then 80s and 90s standing.  But after dinner today it was 69 sitting and then 75 standing so they let me go out.  Tomorrow I'm going to see if I can come off of fall risk completely.

So far I've gained three pounds already and I feel horrible about that but I know I have to do it.  The doctor is putting me back on all my meds and I'm taking protonix for my stomach.  I get bored all day and sleep a lot because I'm not used to all the meds.  I had a therapy session today with Jenn and it went well.  We're going to work on me coping with living with my mom and my older brother because I have a lot of problems with him.

So that's basically the last couple of days in a nutshell.  Hopefully the meals will get easier and I will participate more in groups.  Today is only my second full day so we'll see how it goes. 

T -10 hours until liftoff

AHHH okay.  I woke up after 9am and weighed in.  I still didn't lose!  What the fuck!  Then I did some laundry and pre-last minute packing.  I went to sit around in bed and knit my scarf and fell asleep.  Like, a really deep sleep.  I set my alarm for 2pm so I could get in the shower and ready for work.  I weighed myself again before I got in the shower and it said I lost a pound.  Okay, I guess.  I want to lose at least one more by tomorrow.  I still haven't eaten since Friday.  I'm still super bloated like a little Ethiopian.

So I went to work at 4 and it went well.  I was busy all night.  I was scheduled to leave at 8 and the last customer I had was a fucking bitch.  It was some old lady who like, screamed at me for trying to touch her card when she couldn't swipe it and then she had the fucking nerve to tell me that I'd be much prettier if I didn't have acne all over my face and I should see a dermatologist and it would be worth my money.  Well, FUCK YOU, LADY.  She pissed me off, but I don't care, I don't have to deal with customers for a few weeks.  I left.

I have to get up at 5am tomorrow so I can be ready by 7.  I have to pack all my toiletries after I shower and get ready and then find sheets to change my bed so my little brother can sleep in it while I'm gone.  Then I'm probably going to run around a thousand times and quadruple check that I have everything I need.  Then hopefully I will take a small nap and wait for the social worker to show up and I'll be on my way.

So this will be my last post from home for a few weeks or however long I need to be there.  My insurance covers 30 days, but I don't intend on staying that long.  I will post from the hospital provided I complete 100% of my meals.  I'm a little nervous at this point but I think I'll be okay.

UGH man wtf.

So I gained three fucking pounds from yesterday's disgusting crap food fest.  I can't fucking believe myself.  So I didn't eat a single thing all day, I just had sugar free lifesavers and I didn't even buy more popsicles because I'm not going to eat anything until I have to at the hospital on Monday.  I've been so unbelievably bloated and having stomach pains all day.  It won't go away! I look pregnant!  REALLY!!! I'm so fucking frustrated and I'm scared that I'm going to keep the weight and then go on Monday and be all fat and they'll laugh at me.  Even though if I keep it my BMI will still be like, 15.5 or something, but it's not as good as 14.9.  My goal was to lose another pound, not gain like, five.  What the fuck.  I hate myself so bad.  I'm going to look ridiculous.  I hate this, hate,  hate, hate, HATE!  God, I'm so fucking pissed at myself.  If I weren't all crazy yesterday and thought I was dreaming then this wouldn't be a problem.  And now they'll put me back on meds and I'll gain weight even faster.  Now I'm not sure I even want to go yet.  I'm just so fucking pissed.  I'm not skinny enough now.  There's no way I'll lose it all by Monday.  Probably not even half.  I didn't even lose from last night to this morning! And then I weighed again a little later and it said another pound!  From what!??!  I HATE MYSELF.

But other than all of that bullshit, today was good.  I finally saw Deb!  I met her at the mall.  I did all my shopping before she even got there.  I got a new bag that's really cute and it was really cheap on sale.  I only paid $6.49 for it.  Then I got a stuffed rabbit for Ollie in memory of this pet therapy bunny she used to love named Taffy who passed away last time I was there.  Then I got two shirts, socks for me and my little brother, flip flops from Old Navy and then I bought a hair clip for Deb because she loves them.  We took photos in a booth and they came out weird but it's cool.  Then we went to DSW to get her new shoes and I followed her around and pretended to be a photographer with her camera phone.  It was fun.  Then we went to Home Depot to see her boyfriend for a while and then she brought me home because I had to go to work at 6.  I've been up since 8am because I had to go to Pennsylvania with my mom so I could buy a carton of cigarettes for inpatient.  Work was good and fast and I got a ride home from Shannon.  Now I'm tired but not really.  I think I'll pack some more and knit until I fall asleep.  Tomorrow I have to do laundry and finish packing before work from 4-8.  I can't believe I'm really leaving on Monday.  I'm not eating tomorrow.  I drank today, and a lot.  Like, 24oz altogether because I had a 20oz Coke Zero at the mall and then I had some sips of water which I'm rounding up to 4oz.  Tomorrow I plan on drinking either nothing or no more than 2-4oz.  I can't explain how angry I am with myself.  I'm a fat blob.  I hate myself.

TODAY WAS AWESOME except for...

Soooo my co-worker Alicia and her dad picked me up just after noon.  We went to her grandma's house first and it happened to be in a neighborhood I know on the other side of town.  Her grandma doesn't speak English well, but she kept offering me food.  I lied and said I just had leftover pizza before I came.  We didn't even order pizza last night.  So then we went to the shopping center and we were going to go to the SuperFresh (grocery store) because it's going out of business and her dad wanted to get a case of water.  But first we went to the dollar store and I bought two plain shirts (gray and black) and headbands and socks (which we lost), mints (which I ate all of before we even got to the next place we went), and a new shower sponge thing 'cause mine broke on me this morning.  Then we went to Acme so I could get my paycheck and see if they got my medical note.  I cashed my check and I'm scheduled only for Sunday night, and Jenn is working until 5:30 that day and I start at four so I'll get to say bye to her.  They still didn't have my phone minutes in stock.  I asked the new assistant manager, Erika, if she'd gotten my note and she said she doesn't know and I should ask Wendy, who just left.  Oh well.  If I'm not on the schedule and I know they faxed it, I don't really care at this point.  Obviously Wendy must have gotten it because I know she did the schedule since Sabrina was out.  But I guess I should call tomorrow morning anyway to see, just to look good or whatever.  Anyway, then we left and we went back to Alicia's house.  We walked her dogs and then came back and then went back out to get our nails done.  We walked there but we stopped at Quick Check on the way so I could get something to drink (yes, I'm drinking!).  I got 20oz Diet Coke and five pickles (I didn't want to look weird by not eating but I think I looked more weird by just buying pickles).  Then we walked to the nail place and I got my manicure!  It looks so awesome!! Then we left and I wanted to go to Rita's because I know I can get a small water ice and they have sugar free water ice.  Well there wasn't one in walking distance but there was another ice cream place that was and Alicia said they have water ice.  Well we got there and they weren't serving it anymore so I had a kid's sized sherbet instead, and it wasn't even sugar free!  It probably had like, 200 something calories in it.  But we were walking all the way back so I told myself it's okay.  We stopped at Radio Shack because she wanted to look at something and I just got my phone minutes there.  I spent $70 on minutes.  We went back to her house and then we took another walk.  Then we got bored and her dad was going to take us bowling but her mom was having an allergic reaction of some sort and wasn't letting us leave her alone there because her face was all swelled up so we stayed there.  They kept offering me food and I knew I couldn't keep refusing... Her parents and brothers are very big.  She's not fat herself, she's average I guess, high-end.  I don't know what you would call it.  Well they had all this junk food that I knew my stomach couldn't handle anyway.  But they had fat free Yoplait Light yogurt in the fridge so I had one of those.  It was 96 calories.  And I was full, but I never get hungry so I don't know, but I didn't want more food.  Then Alicia started cooking fries and I said I would have some.  Big mistake.  Her dad came in the kitchen and offered me a cheesesteak and I said fine.  Bigger mistake.  Then I grabbed six sandwich cookies.  Fuck my life.  I almost ate it all, too.  But my stomach literally could not handle all of it.  It was such a physical struggle to even eat it.  I ate as much as I possibly could because I figured this is what I'm going to start doing on Monday.  I FELT LIKE SHIT!!!! Not just physically, of course.  I felt like I was going to explode and I was so angry with myself.  We started watching this movie but I really wanted to go run a million miles up the road.  But my stomach was KILLING ME to no end.  Yes, I've still been having stomach problems.  So I really thought I was going to puke (involuntarily of course) so I went outside for fresh air and had a cigarette (killing the purpose of the fresh air).  I felt a little better physically on the inside but I was soooo bloated (and still am!!!) and I feel like a balloon still.  The movie we watched, Due Date, was really fucking annoying and stupid.  I shook my leg rapidly through the whole thing so I could burn some calories.  I thought it was very necessary.  Well, it was, obviously, because I just ate a bunchhh of shit!  SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!! I feel horrible.  Then I came home and I feel soooo bloated still and soooo fucking disgusting..  perfect time to weigh myself and make me feel worse!! THREE POUNDS!!!! I know MAYBE a pound will go away by tomorrow, but I'm not going to eat until Monday when I need to do it in the hospital.  I've eaten more than I've eaten in a month in one meal..  What the fuck!  I feel so weird today.  I don't know why, I think it's the weather.  It's like, 75 degrees out after it's been really cold and I think it's fucking with my head.  I'm super euphoric.  I've been like that all day, actually.  I almost feel like I'm in some weird fantasy world and I don't really exist.  I'm not sure if I should think it's my mania since I'm bipolar 1 or whatever.  NOT A GOOD TIME TO GET MANIC!   AHHH okay but I feel shitty anyway because I feel very fat and bloated and icky and my stomach hurts and I wish I didn't do that but it's almost like I didn't because it's like I'm not really here right now and this is all a weird dream and it will be like POOF I wake up and I didn't eat all that shit like all the other dreams I have where I eat all this shit and POOF I wake up like woahhh.  Yes, I'm very hyper and fidgety and sooo weird right now, I can't describe it, but I want to go run up the road and scream LALALALA yay!  Oh I hope this goes away because I don't want to go crazy again.  Not good!  BUT HEY WHEN I GO CRAZY I DON'T EAT! THEN IT WILL BE EASY! HAHA okay.  Well I'm going to see Deb tomorrow FINALLY yay and we're going to have a girl's day out and lalala and then I have work at like, 6 and then woo hoo I go home and then Sunday I'm bored until 4-8 I have work and lalalala then I go home and leave Monday morning at 7am to go to the hospital! WOOAHHH BABYYY yeah so that's my day guys! Hope you found it amusing!  I'M NOT ON DRUGS.