Pills

So there's a bit of something to report...

On the night of my last post (I think), which was Sunday night, I got a little overwhelmed.  I just randomly started crying my eyes out and thinking about dying.  I tried to talk to my best friend but she was busy.  I ended up calling a friend from work, who calmed me down a little but didn't stop me from overdosing on Klonopin and Trazodone.  It wasn't a major overdose, and I would have taken more if my friend Sara weren't there for me, but needless to say I slept well and didn't wake up until about 3pm.  I felt like shit all day yesterday.  I tried calling out of work but they made me feel guilty because it's a holiday week and we're really busy.  I went in anyway and the moment I got there and clocked in, I started crying and had to go in the back room.  My co-worker Dinea came to comfort me and talked to me for a while and after about 5-10 minutes of crying and talking, I went to my post on the self-checkout.  I was okay, for the most part, for the remainder of the night.

Last night I resorted to more pills.  I took one extra pill than I had the night before. I finally got up around 3:30 this afternoon and forced myself to shower and get ready for work.  I didn't feel good once again and I was having dizzy spells all day (and I'd eaten so that wasn't the case).  I felt a little better after going on break.  Then I called my ex and we talked things out and I came home and ate dinner.  I feel okay now, and I don't think I will take any pills tonight.  But I think the problem is that I've been off of my Celexa for about a week now.  I just got some from the pharmacy today and I'm hoping things go back to normal soon.  My social worker urged me to call my therapist but I didn't really want to talk to her.  I called anyway, and she didn't answer, and I didn't leave a voicemail because I didn't want her to call me back.  My plan is to just forget this all happened and go in next Thursday and not talk as usual.  I really need a new therapist.

So I just had to get that off my chest.  I'm not trying to kill myself, although I did wish on that first night that I wouldn't wake up in the morning.  My best guess is it's just the med situation and the stress in my life.  I think I'll be fine.

Love Sucks, Life is Crazy

Ugh, so this is going to be a kind of scattered post because there are a lot of things on my mind at the moment.  For one, I broke up with my boyfriend of five months (not a long time, considering), and I've already fooled around with my ex.  I feel so horribly bad for breaking up with my boyfriend, because I know I really broke his heart.  I thought things would be better if I got back together with my ex because it's so familiar and comfortable, but that's another story, which goes like this: we fooled around the night I broke up with Demitri and the next day I asked him, rather, started to ask him, "So, are we like--" and he cut me off with, "I don't wanna talk about it." So I feel like he doesn't really want me, even though we talked openly about being together again and I feel used like he just wanted to get in my pants and kick me to the curb.  My head is an emotional mess right now, and it doesn't help that it's that time of the month and I've been taking birth control to increase my estrogen levels, so I'm pretty much an emotional, bitchy basketcase.  I want things to work with my ex, I really do. But now he's rarely even answering my texts and blowing me off when we're supposed to see each other.  I don't want to smother him like Demitri did to me, and I don't want to push him away at all, but I want answers.  Did the sex even mean anything to him?  Is he afraid of committing to us?  Is he scared that it won't work out like it hasn't in the past?  He told me himself he thinks it would work out, but I'm not sure that's how he really feels anymore.  Or if he even felt like that at all.  I just want to be with him.  And this has all strained our friendship (we're very close, best friend status) and made things awkward between us.  I don't know what to think but I know I have to give him space, and it's killing me.  I just want answers.

Eating has been okay.  I've been fluctuating weight-wise, still at an unhealthy weight but that's because of my thyroid medication.  I think I went from having hypothyroidism to hyper-, but only tests will tell and I haven't been to the clinic since I got out of the hospital.  Something I need to do tomorrow, make an appointment.

Work is going well.  We just got a new manager and he's pretty nice and well-organized, and has goals for the company.  I agree with him on everything and I think we're on the same page as far as the company's needs go, which is good because that means we'll work well together.  I've been more bubbly and happy, nice, friendly, polite at work.  I've been wearing makeup to make myself feel prettier, which is probably really shallow, but it helps me.

My Pop-pop is still in the hospital and NOT going to a hospice afterwards, but rather a rehab center for cancer patients, until they find that he does in fact belong in a hospice.  I pray for him every night and hope they can cure him, because I don't think it's time for him to go yet.  We were supposed to see them for Thanksgiving but it's not going to work out because he'll still be in the hospital.  But my grandmother said once he goes to the rehab, we'll probably be able to visit, FINALLY.  I haven't seen them since May.  I'm also excited to see my grandmother because she and my great aunt and my grandmother's best friend have a lot of yarn for me, which I'm going to need because I'm into making blankets now.  It's just a matter of when we can get down there or they can come up here.

So that's my life at the moment.  A little crazy, but I'm alive.

The Ups and Downs

So I know I haven't posted in a while and I'm sorry, but it's not like people read this shit anyway.  I have some good stuff and some bad stuff to report, and something in between.

The good things:
1) I'm eating better, albeit not gaining any weight because of my thyroid medication.  I even had regular soda a couple of times!  And chips and bagels with cream cheese.  And I've been addicted to instant mashed potatoes for about two weeks now.  Very unhealthy but I don't really care because I love mashed potatoes.   I think I might be able to live with eating more since I'm not gaining weight.  I still sometimes feel like I want to lose weight but it's better than nothing.
2) My friend Kelly is out of residential treatment, and doing so much better.  That makes me so unbelievably happy.
3) I'm excited for what I might get for Christmas this year.  I've asked my mom for gift cards to both Michael's (it's a craft store where I buy my yarn and knitting/crocheting stuff as well as canvases and paint) and Barnes & Noble (book store).  There are a lot of books I want to read; also, recently I've been getting into crocheting again rather than knitting all the time and I'm making blankets.  It's worth the time and gives me something to do.

Now the bad things:
1) My Pop-pop is dying in the hospital.  I'm not sure if I've posted this before, but back in March he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  He went through chemotherapy and radiation, but then recently they found another tumor in his stomach.  They did another major operation and tried to remove all of it and he will have to do the chemo and radiation therapy all over again.  They want to send him to a hospice because they don't think there's much else they can do for him.
2) My best friend is being kicked out of her house and moving back to New Jersey.   This is good because she'll finally get away from her mom and be back home (she'd only been living in South Carolina for a few months), but the stress is killing her and I'm really worried about her.
3)  I'm really worried about my sister and her depression.  She's going through a lot with my niece and she's just very unmotivated and sad.  I haven't seen her in over a month and I miss her.

And the in-between things:
1) I'm breaking up with my boyfriend.  I just don't think our relationship is going anywhere.  He doesn't really have anything to offer except that he adores me, which is great but can be obsessive at times and annoying.  He lives off of money from the state and has no job or car or even a license or willingness to obtain one. On the flip-side, I've been spending a lot of time with my ex and I think there's something sparking between us.  I'm not sure if I'm going to just hop into another relationship, but I think I do have feelings for my ex and it might turn into something down the road.
2) I'm getting a car!  Sounds great, right?  Well, the only bad thing about it is that I'm not getting it until my grandfather dies.  Grandfather lives = no car.  Which of course I'd rather him live than have something material because of his death but what can ya do.


So that's basically what's going on in my life right now.  Aside from all that, work is okay except for anxiety issues I have, but my doctor increased my Klonopin so that I can sleep better and I have to try to remember to take it before I go to work.  Overall, things are looking up for my somewhat, and all my real problems have to do with other people.  I'm just trying to hang in there as best as I can.

Series of Exciting Events

So I went shopping with Sara on Monday and I got a whole new outfit plus a new shirt and another pair of leggings and new boots all for $55! Can you say 'bargain shopping?'  Then I did laundry with my mom.

On Wednesday I went over my friend/ex's house and we watched Beetlejuice and then we went bowling and had a lot of fun.

Today I had my appointment with my therapist and it ended early because I didn't do much talking and we sat in silence for ten minutes before she decided we should just meet next week and see if I have anything to talk about then.  Then I went to work and it wasn't that bad, although it did drag at some points.

I've been eating better and weighing in less so I guess that's a good sign.  I'm just scared of when I do weigh myself next and I gain a lot of weight or even a few pounds.  The idea still scares me.

This Saturday my mom is taking me to Freehold to possibly get a car for $99!! They're having a huge blowout sale on used cars.  I really am praying that it works out; however, I'm sort of scared of the 30-minute drive back home on the highway. I do have my license but I don't have much driving experience because I was never able to drive my mom's car.  She drives a 5-speed and she has been unable to successfully teach me how to drive it.  So anyway, if I do get the car I will drive back and then go pick up my boyfriend and we'll go bowling before I have to go to work.  It will be either a really eventful and exciting day or a real bummer day because if I don't get the car my mom won't go pick my boyfriend up because she'll be tired of driving by the time we get back from Freehold.  So that's the plan.

Still trying to have a normal life.

Normal Life?

I'm not doing very well with updating, but I don't think anyone reads this anymore anyway so I guess it doesn't matter.

Today was a good day.  My mom, brother and I went to my "aunt's" (she was my aunt through marriage but she divorced my uncle I think before I was even born) u-pick farm (which is exactly what it sounds like - you pick your own pumpkins, vegetables, etc.) and saw her and my cousin.  It was really fun I guess.  First we went through their corn maze (well, only part of it) and then my brother and I walked around as he got followed and taunted by a bunch of yellow jackets while my mom picked mini pumpkins and butternut squash.  Then we took the tractor back (it's a HUGE farm, so it's like a 5-10 minute ride back to the front of the farm on the tractor that they drive) and we looked in the little store and my mom bought some honey and gourds.  Then we talked to my "aunt" for a little bit and drove back.

On the way back we stopped at my other aunt's (who is my blood-related aunt) new apartment and met her dog and her new boyfriend.  We chatted for about half an hour and then left because I had work at 5:15.

Work was pretty good.  I was working with my friend Sara and it went well while she was there.  The night went pretty well after she left, too, but towards the end it got kind of crazy because the computers were being slow and I couldn't finish something in a decent amount of time and it kind of backed things up a bit, but we got out on time.

Now I'm home and very tired from walking around the farm all day and not taking a nap before standing all day at work.  I've closed three nights in a row and I'm closing again tomorrow.  At least the store closes at 10 tomorrow night rather than 11.  Then Monday I have off and Sara and I are going to go shopping.

I'm trying to have a normal life.

Food for Thought

Hello, anyone who cares.

So it's been about five days since I've updated.  A lot has seemed to change.  I didn't mention last week that my doctor took me off of my Lithium and put me on Celexa for my depression.  I didn't think it was a very good idea to cold-turkey me off the Lithium, but I didn't think to say that to her until after I left.  I could have easily weened myself off of it by cutting the doses myself, but I didn't, so I just stopped it and started the Celexa as directed.

Well, since then, things have been a little different, and I'm sort of surprised.  I'm not sure if it's a placebo effect or if the med is actually working already (doubt it), or if it's because I was cold-turkeyed off the Lithium and I'm hypomanic.  But in any case, for starters, I'm apparently no longer physically capable of taking naps.  I wake up around 8am instead of 10am, and do my usually first-waking-up things, and then I try to go back to bed but I just lay there with my eyes wide open and stare at the wall because I'm unable to even keep them close and I'm so awake.  I'm not even tired!! But I lie down anyway for a good hour until I think of something I can actually do since I can't sleep.  It's really hard.  Another thing is I do have a better mood.  Yesterday I went into work and I was so chipper and excited to be there practically.   I was extra pleasant to every customer and did extra work that I didn't necessarily have to do.  I even made a list of things to do at the self-checkout for whomever to look at when they're bored (although I'm guessing by the time I go in tomorrow, someone will have thrown it in the trash).  I don't know what came over me though - it was really weird.

As for eating, I'm eating less but, as of today, I'm not really eating "anorecticly" (just thought I'd make up a word there).  For example, I didn't eat a lot today, but what I did eat were fear foods for the most part.  Today was a big jump from normal, and I didn't really think of it making me gain weight for the most part.  I weighed myself tonight, after I'd eaten all that crap today, and I weighed the same as I did the other morning which means I lost a pound or two (since the food and diet sodas I'd had probably made me weigh about that much more).  I'm not quite sure, really, what I thought of that.  I kind of just mindfully weighed myself without judging the number.  Which is actually amazing, recovery-wise.  I don't know where I am overall.  I think I'm just having good days and bad days.  Because yesterday all I had to eat was two ice pops and half of a roast beef sandwich, and today I had junk.  Hmm.  Food for thought.

October Depression

October has come and it's been rough.  This is my favorite month of the year, because it is so pretty and peaceful nature-wise, but it is one of two months that leave me in a deep depression (November being the other one - my father died in said month).  So this being a naturally depressing month for me on top of already being super depressed... I can't take it.

As far as my pseudo-recovery goes, it's not going; however, it's not as bad as it was before I was hospitalized (maybe the hospital did do something for me?).  I'm not weighing myself every day, but often enough I suppose.  I'm maintaining the five pounds I'd lost since being discharged, so that's a good sign recovery-wise.  I just can't get over, though, the thought of gaining weight.  I still want to lose weight.  I don't want to eat anything with fat in it.  I'm restricting both food and fluids.  Living off of Diet Pepsi and ice pops and occasionally food my mom makes (she's been trying to cook since I've been home).  I'm back to smoking a pack-and-a-half of cigarettes a day.  So basically, not much is different from before I was hospitalized except for 1) I'm not restricting as much, 2) I'm not weighing myself every day, and 3) I weigh 6lbs more than I did at admission.  I want to say that I'm so, so sorry that I've let everyone down, but I know I should really be sorry to myself because I'm doing this to myself and causing more problems.  But the problem is, I just can't come to terms with taking care of myself and eating properly without having a problem with how I look.  When you have an eating disorder and a professional in the mental health field, who knows of your ED, asks if you're pregnant, it leaves a scar.  I can't say I totally blame her for it but that is what influenced me to relapse, along with already budding body image troubles (worse than normal recovering issues) at the time of her comment.

I saw my psychiatrist today and we talked about my hospital stay and what it did for me (or in this case, did not do), and she asked why I thought I was struggling if I have a job and a boyfriend (because apparently both of those things = forever happiness).  I told her I think that one of the big reasons for now at least that I have an eating disorder is that I'm trying to hang on to my childhood.  When I'm sick people take care of me and I feel nurtured and cared about, and I didn't necessarily have that growing up.  Also, being sick almost sort of waives me from adult responsibilities.  I leave work early for having chest pains, for example, or I get an early break because I feel dizzy.  This is not why I engage in eating disordered behavior, but just examples of how it affects my responsibilities.  I mean, I guess that is part of why, as I just clearly stated that beforehand, but I don't want it to seem like I'm an irresponsible little bitch... but I guess I am.  I don't even know how to do half the things I probably should know how to do at age twenty.  I don't know much about being an adult.  I haven't experienced many adult things yet, and half of the reason why is because it scares me.  Growing up scares me.  I know you're probably thinking, Get with the program and deal with it like the rest of the world, and you're absolutely right.  I beat myself up for it.  But something just holds me back.  I don't want to do anything new, especially not by myself, but I can't have the world hold my hand anymore.

In other news, I'm pretty proud of myself (so far) because so far today I haven't taken a single nap (shocking!).  I don't really feel tired when I take naps, I just get bored so I sleep to kill time.  I don't want to be awake and experience anything.  I just want to escape to dreamland.  But anyway, I didn't take a nap today yet, but I probably should because I'm closing the store tonight and I know I'll be really tired if I don't take one because I went to bed a little before dawn and had about 3-4 hours of sleep because I had to wake up for my appointment.

I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while (if anyone cares), but I just haven't felt like it.  If anyone is interested in reading my pathetic blog anymore, then I suppose I will try to update more often.

Disappointment

Today was a disappointing day.  I'm not so much disappointed in myself as I'm sure others are disappointed in me.  I weighed myself today for starters, and I've lost four pounds since Monday.  I didn't try to lose the weight, it just sort of happened.  I completed all of my meals yesterday, but I can't say the same for today.  I pretty much skipped breakfast except for a glass of grape juice.  I almost completed for the rest of the day though, so I suppose that almost makes up for it (not really).  I went for two walks today.  It felt really good, especially since I was locked up on an eating disorders unit for eleven days with no exercise.  I wrote out my menu for tomorrow - I keep a little dry-erase board on the fridge with my meals for the day - and I was overwhelmed while doing so.  It feels like so much food, and so much preparation (it's really not a lot of preparation though), and I just don't feel like putting in the effort.  I don't want to try anymore.  I want to give up and go straight back to the eating disorder.

I have a therapy session tomorrow, so I suppose it would be good to talk with her about it, even though she doesn't understand at all and will probably just give me some bullshit responses like, "you just have to eat."  Well, no shit, Sherlock.  I don't want to eat.  I don't want to gain weight, and I don't want you to sit there and point out the obvious and then clearly express your disappointment in me.  But the problem is, I don't know what I do want.  I don't know what I'm getting out of living the way I do.  I suppose not much, but I'm not comfortable with eating so much yet.  I suppose I want to be happy like every other normal person, and I know that recovery will show me a glimpse of that (maybe?), but I'm just not ready.

My mother has taken a sudden interest, after five years of my struggling, in my "recovery" and asked while I was in the hospital for information on eating disorders.  We read some of the information together last night, but now she doesn't feel like reading anymore.  She just thinks there's nothing she can do so why bother basically.  At least she tried, I suppose.  I guess there really is nothing she can do, and I'm not sure if I'd want her to do anything anyway.  It's much easier if she just ignores it like she always has.  Much easier for me to relapse anyway.  I don't consider myself in recovery right now.  I just consider myself partially stable for the moment.  I don't know what's going to happen from here on out, but whatever happens, I just have to deal with it.

Trying

So, there is a lot to say.  I returned home from the hospital yesterday afternoon.  I was there for only 11 days.  While I was there I completed all of my meals, despite the fact that I really didn't want to, nor did I feel a single bit of hunger the entire time I was there.  I barely interacted with the other girls for the first half of my stay there.  I just wasn't myself.  Usually I am very sociable and bubbly, but I spent most of my time there (while I wasn't in group) isolating in my room.  I barely spoke up in groups except for yesterday morning in psychotherapy.  The treatment team obviously wasn't very happy about this, and threatened to take away my weekend passes if I didn't contribute in groups, socialize, and stay out of my room.  I had the same therapist I had the last two times, which was good because I like her and she knows me well already; however, she's a real hard ass, but I suppose I need that.  Most of the girls there were great (there was one who really annoyed me the whole time) and some of them hugged me when I left and gave me notes, and one even made me a bracelet (which was too big for my wrist so I wear it as an anklet).  I gained eleven pounds while there, and am still a bit underweight, but I'm not really interested in gaining any more weight.  I'm not extremely underweight, only a couple of pounds.  I'm at about 86% of my IBW.  And they discharged me at this weight so I guess it's fine.  I didn't quit smoking because the whole time I was there I was going crazy for a cigarette.  They had me on the patch and the nicotine gum, and I was also given Klonopin because the need for a cigarette was making me so overly anxious I thought I was going to die.  But the Klonopin helps with the regular anxiety I have anyway, so the doctor gave me a script for it on my way out.  The sad part in all this, for which I'm sure some of you might be disappointed in me, is that I've realized the whole time I was there that I don't really want to get better.  I'm not ready.  And I told them that.  However, when I came home I still ate and am still eating (already ate breakfast) and I've planned meals for this week and went food shopping with my mom and brother.  I figured I will give it a try anyway even though I'm still really depressed and don't feel like eating.

A friend I met in a previous treatment may be staying with us next month when she gets out of inpatient because she lives in a neighboring state but her partial will be 20 minutes from my house and she has no way to really get there every day, Monday through Friday without staying somewhere close by.  This is another reason why I decided to try recovery because she is really sick and I don't want to trigger her in any way if and when she stays with us.  We both figured we can help each other out and maybe plan our meals together too.  I hope it works out.

I haven't weighed myself this morning so I'm just telling myself I weigh the same as I did yesterday when the doctor told me.  I'm trying hard not to think about it.

I'm going to try to be more productive.  I'm not as depressed as I was when I wasn't eating, obviously, but it's still there pretty strong.  I don't go back to work until Sunday so I will have a lot of free time to myself, and that means a lot of opportunities to sit on my ass or sleep like I love to do.  I'm going to go for walks (when there's better weather because it's supposed to rain for the next two days or so) and I'm going to keep reading the book I'm working on (it's really good!).  I'm happy to be able to enjoy a book because it's been so long since I've even thought about reading one.  I'm always either too depressed or can't focus, but this book is amazing.  It's The Help.  I've actually already seen the movie (which was awesome!) and for me that makes it easier to read because it's very close to the book (except for the ending I've been told) and I can picture the characters from the movie and their voices and mannerisms.  Also, my mom and I plan to cook almost every night (BIG change there) so I will actually be learning how to cook.  It was a more exciting idea when I was sick, for some reason.

Anyway, I don't know how things will turn out, but I'm trying.  That's all I can do for now I suppose.

Hypothyroidism & Last Sick Post

So here's how my day went:  I woke up and had to go to work with my mom because I had an appointment with the clinician around the corner from my mom's building (in the same building all my other appointments are in).  We got there and I slept in her car until it was time to take me to my appointment.  When I got to see the APN, Victoria, she reviewed my labwork that I'd gotten last week.  Apparently I have hypothyroidism so she prescribed me something for it, as well as an acne cream and birth control to regulate my hormonal imbalance.  I left and went back to my mom's work, but slept in her car for a few more hours until it was time to go home.

On the ride home my phone rang.  It was the hospital.  They want me to come in tomorrow morning to be admitted.  That was such a huge relief to finally get the call.  We got home and I took yet another nap (Victoria said that the hypothyroidism is what could be causing me to be sleepy all the time) before going to get my meds at the pharmacy and stopping by work to get my disability papers and my last pack of cigarettes.  I'm quitting smoking since I won't be able to smoke there at all anyway, so I think it's the perfect opportunity.  Anyway, we got all that done and I said goodbye to Jen, who was working tonight, and gave her the address to the hospital and told her I would call her and tell her when visiting hours are.

I got home and ate some ice pops.  All I ate today was 4 ice pops, a popsicle and some pickles.  I hung out with my mom for a bit, took a shower, and waited for her to go to bed so I could go on the computer.  Now it's about 1am and I'm getting ready for bed early since I have to wake up early.  I probably won't fall asleep for a few hours anyway, but it's worth a shot.

This will be my last update until I return from treatment, at which point I will be in recovery and there will be no more weigh-ins or anything of that sort.  I'm going to try to develop a healthy relationship with food and eat healthily when I return.  I pray that this works for me and that it is the last time I have to be hospitalized.  Wish me luck.

Oh, the Anticipation...

I couldn't really sleep last night.  I have this thing I do, that I'm guessing is from anxiety, where I feel tight pinches (that's the best way I can describe it) in my joints and shoulders, neck, arms, etc. and they get so tight that I have to clamp up my arms and legs and neck to make it feel better.  I've had this problem off and on for about six years or so, and no one knows what it is.  But I just guess that it's anxiety.  Anyway, this woke me up again last night, and the worst part is, is that there's no way that I know of to make it go away.  So I didn't sleep well until later when I slept during the day (so grateful that I'm able to do that, otherwise I'd be more of a zombie than I already am).

I woke up and weighed in.  I lost another pound.  The sick part of me feels like this still isn't good enough.  I waited anxiously all day for a call from the hospital, but to no avail.  I'm praying they call me tomorrow.  I have to go to work today to pick up disability papers, but I'm scared everyone will be like, Why aren't you here if you're home? and get upset.  So I'm thinking about sending my mom in instead.  But then if they ask her questions I'm scared she's gonna tell them that I am still home and not in the hospital.  My co-worker texted me last night, because I posted a picture on Facebook, saying, "You're home?"  and I had to explain to her what the situation was.  I'm going to die if I'm not in the hospital this week because I told work not to put me on the schedule for the week since I was sure I was going this week.  This all just creates more anxiety for me and my body cannot take it in its fragile state.  I just wish the freaking hospital would call already.  I have to go to work with my mom tomorrow because our house is being bombed because we have a pest problem, ew.  I really want them to call me tomorrow but I will feel weird taking such a personal call while I'm at work with my mom.

Anyway, we have to do laundry tonight and finish cleaning and covering things for the bombing tomorrow so I will be busy all night.  I was thinking about just cleaning my whole room and reorganizing, but I don't know where to start and it's such a small space and a lot of stuff.

May or may not post later.

What a Good Day

Today was a pretty good day.  I lost a pound from yesterday and I felt good.  This morning my mom and I went for a walk to the corner store.  It was about a twenty minute walk both ways.  Anyway, the morning breeze was nice, although I wish I'd brought a sweater.  I never do things like that with my mom, but she promised me she would.  She's supposed to do cardio exercises for her high blood pressure issue.  I know she probably won't start walking with me, especially because it's getting colder out and she's a person who can't stand it if it's under 85 degrees outside.

I got back to the apartment and got ready and then took a nap before my sister arrived to pick me up.  We went to the bowling alley/arcade that we went to last time I saw her.  My niece and nephew were there as well.  We got there and played in the arcade for a while, and then my brother-in-law, Joe, showed up.  So then we decided we would bowl for a while.  They ordered food but I just had a diet soda.  I know it upset my sister.  We bowled two games and left.  It was fun.

Joe and Joey (my nephew) left and Jess (my niece), my sister and I went to Walmart because she had to pick up a few things.  I got a new belt, a new wallet and a bandanna for my friend.  We went to a couple of other places and then she took me home.

I took a nap when I got home and then we went to the liquor store for my mom and I bought another pack of cigarettes (I'd bought one at the corner store this morning).  Then I took another nap, woke up, took another nap, woke up around midnight and have been up since.

So today was a pretty good day.  Tomorrow we're running a few errands and doing laundry and cleaning, and I'm also going to work to get my disability papers.  I'm anxious for Monday because I'm hoping to get that call from the hospital telling me when I can come in.  I'm still worried maybe they don't think I'm sick enough and that I'll not be able to go.

The Story

So here's the story.

I went to my appointment yesterday and the doctor was already looking for me before I even got there and sat down.  I went in to see her and she started off by telling me my labs weren't very good.  I had a few things that have to do with my kidneys, low, and my glucose was in the lower range, and my Lithium level was high but not toxic.  She said she was going to commit me but she decided I should admit myself willingly.  So she called the hospital's admissions office and left a message.  I told her last time I went to that hospital I went through the ER and got transferred.  So she arranged for someone to drive me to the ER.

I got to the emergency room after I made a bunch of texts and phone calls to my mom, my boyfriend, my sister, etc.  I went back and told them why I was there and they did normal medical clearing stuff.  Then they transferred me to another room on what I figured out was their little psych unit.  Someone from another mental health organization came to see me after a couple of hours and asked me a bunch of questions pertaining to my eating disorder, and also their standard "do you feel like hurting yourself or anyone else" questions.  Then a psychiatrist came to see me and he asked me a bunch of pretty much the same questions.  They were waiting to get my labwork back to see if I was cleared to go to the EDU.  The results came back and I was cleared.  Nothing is severely wrong with me, except the same things that were wrong with me before, like my BUN is pretty low, my creatnine was borderline low but it was low on the other blood test, I have 40mg of ketones in my urine and 30mg of protein, and there were two other things but I don't have any clue what they are or how to pronounce them.  Anyway, they couldn't transfer me because admissions was closed at that point (it was about 8pm), so they sent me home with paperwork and told me to call the hospital in the morning.

My mom picked me up from the hospital (after getting lost and frustrated because she went to the old location) and I called work on the way home to see if they'd already found someone to cover my shift for today and to tell them that I could come in.  Well Jen already agreed to cover my shift so I had to call her.  I texted her to call me when she got a chance.  She did and I explained to her what was going on.  She said she had to call Jim (the manager) and find out what he wanted to do, after she called Wendy (the one who does my schedule and the front end manager).  She called me back and said that Jim told her it was between us what we wanted to do.  We talked about it and she said it was up to me but she didn't mind covering and whatnot.  We decided I would just take off now until I come back from the hospital.  She told me to make sure to call Wendy in the morning to tell her not to put me on the schedule for next week.

I woke up this morning and did my usual routine before calling the admissions office at the hospital.  No one answered so I left a message saying that I am looking to be admitted to the EDU and my name and number to call me back.  I went back to bed until 10:30 because that's when Wendy got into work.  I called her and told her not to put me on the schedule because I'm probably going next week.  She said, "Good, you're so pale, we're all worried about you."  She put me through to Sabrina who takes care of all the union stuff and whatnot, so that she could set aside some disability forms for me.  She said the same things Wendy did, except she doesn't really know how pale I am because I almost never see her.  I hung up and went back to bed.

About two hours later, the woman from admissions called me back.  She had a bunch of questions to ask and I had to explain to her pretty much the depths of my eating disorder I guess you would say, and she said she would give the information to the treatment team on the unit to review and that I would get a call back in a few days.  I'm kind of annoyed that it's the weekend and I know I won't get a call back until at least Monday.  I was a little nervous on the phone with her, and I guess it's the sick part of me that thinks I didn't come off as sick enough to her.  Now I'm scared I won't be admitted, or that I'll have to wait weeks before I go because there are other people who are sicker than I am and they need the bed more than I do.  There are so many thoughts rushing through my head and I'm so worried that I made a fool out of myself by calling.  Sigh.  I just want something to happen.  Now my mind is set on going and I already went through the whole thing with work and I just feel so crazy with all of this.

Whatever Happens, Happens

I was happy to have lost two pounds this morning from yesterday.  I know I'll probably just maintain it tomorrow, but I guess I can't ask for much.

I had my maybe last day of work tonight.  It went pretty well, as it usually does when I work with Ms. Gaye.  It's funny though because I always end up doing all the office work and she works the desk in between her walks around the store and sitting at the registers looking at magazines.  Either way, it's always a relaxed shift and I'm grateful for it if it is in fact my last one until I come back, if I go.

I bought my own shampoo and conditioner, and I also bought laundry detergent (you don't have to bring your own but I wanted to because I can).  I'm all packed except for the last bit of my toiletries that I'll need in the morning.  Tomorrow my social worker is coming to see me before I go to my appointment.  She's really upset that I might be going back to the hospital.  She's been through this with me so many times before, and after I had 14 months of recovery before this relapse, she had hope that my last hospitalization was in fact my last.  I had hopes for that too, and I'm ashamed that I let her down.  I'm ashamed to say that this will be my eleventh hospitalization in 9 years.  I hate it.  If I had that taped on my back people would think I'm a lunatic.  Sigh.

Anyway, I'm ready for whatever happens.  I think I might be committed because I know my labs are probably fucked up, but if I'm not then so be it.  Whatever happens, happens.  If you don't see any updates from me for a while, you know what's going on.

Just Wait and See

Ugh, so I went to get labwork yesterday morning.  It seems like so long ago.  First my mom went the wrong way because I thought she had to go that way, but she knew exactly where we were going and went the wrong way anyway.  Anyway, I got there at 7:30 and my mom said she would go drop off my little brother at school and come back.  There were a lot of people in there and I was a walk-in which meant I had to wait.  Twenty minutes.  They called me and I gave them my insurance card and scripts.  They had to do all this extra stuff because I had two different scripts from two different doctors.  That took another twenty minutes.  Then I had to pee in a cup and wait in line to get the actual blood drawn.  I went in and the lady had a look at my paperwork and spent twenty-five minutes going back and forth to the front desk because something was wrong with the paperwork apparently.  Meanwhile, I'm sitting there waiting and glancing back and forth at the clock, which tells me it's already 8:30.  She finally came back and said we could start, after I had to wait an additional 5 minutes for her to put everything in the computer.  I had to get 6 tubes of blood drawn.  It took her a while to find my vein (which has something to do with being malnourished, I think) but she finally got it, took the blood and I left.  I went out to the parking lot where I expected a pissed off Mom.  I didn't see her car there so I thought she left me there which made me panic because I'd left my phone in her car.  Luckily I finally saw her behind a big pick-up truck.  She was pissed.  She brought me home and I went back to sleep.

I got ready for work hours later.  I had to close the store.  I was anxious as I always am about closing the store.  It was fine though.  Rick and Shannon gave me a ride home.

Today I woke up and weighed in.  I maintained.  I'm a little upset because if I'm going to be committed to the hospital I at least want to weigh at least a little less because I feel so embarrassed going to the hospital when I'm still just over a three-digit weight.  Granted, I have an anorectic BMI, but the number on the scale matters more to me.  I figure I can lose at least one more pound before Thursday, which won't make me any happier but it's better than nothing.  I just feel like I'm going to be laughed at.  But on the other hand they'll know that I was committed so it's not like I thought that I needed to be there at this weight.

I can't stand this anticipation.  Every thought I have is about food and my weight and every dream I have has something to do with going back inpatient.  I really wish I knew what was going to happen.  Since I don't, I'm preparing to go inpatient.  Tomorrow night I'm going to pack a duffel bag of clothes, toiletries, etc. for the hospital.  That way it will be all ready to go, and if I go to my appointment on Thursday and she does send me right from there, I can just tell my mom to drive up my stuff (which won't happen for a few days after I get there because my mom won't want to drive all the way up there).  I'm really worried about work though.  I mean, my manager said it was fine so long as I have a doctor's note, and he said it could say until further notice, but he doesn't know that I have an eating disorder and that's why I'm going there.  The only person that knows what's going on is Jen. And I don't want him to freak out when I'm gone for two weeks and ask her because then I don't know if she'll feel comfortable telling him and I don't want her to be in an awkward position like that.  So I dunno.  I guess I just have to wait and see what happens.

Disconnected

Today was a boring day, and I felt so disconnected with reality the whole day.  I woke up around 9:30 and we went to do laundry around 10/10:30.  I was very tired.  Then we went to get cigarettes over the bridge (in Pennsylvania).  When we got home I put my clean laundry away and took a nap until I had to get ready for work at 4.  Work was boring.  I was on register all night.  Nothing really exciting happened.   I bought some french nail kit and went home.  My boyfriend didn't want to talk to me tonight because he wanted to watch the football game with his dad so that was kind of good actually because I didn't feel like talking to him either.  I did my nails and went on the computer and here I am.

Tomorrow morning I am going to get my labwork done.  This whole situation is making me really anxious.  It's literally all I think about all the time, all I dream about, etc.  I can't get it out of my head.  Part of me just wants Thursday to come so it will all be over and I can breathe again, unless of course I go inpatient, but that's not something I haven't done 10 times before (literally).  Part of me wants to go inpatient so I don't have to go to work and make a fool of myself and mess everything up and do horrible and beat myself up for it after.  I'm closing the store three nights this week: two nights at the desk, which is the hard part, and one night as the closing cashier.  I dread closing the store now because there's so much that has to be done and numbers and money and ugh.  I want to do well at my job like I used to and be a good employee.  I can only hope for that now.

I just want to live a normal life.  But I know that will never happen because of all the shit that's wrong with me.  I want to be like other people who can function without any problems and do normal 20-something stuff.  Why was I dealt this hand?

Ranting and Complaining

So this is going to be somewhat of a rant/complaining post, which is probably (as I can see it in my head now) going to be all mixed up and not make sense (or maybe it will).  I know I have no room to complain since I am doing this to myself, but I'm in such a position right now that I'm stuck in between really not wanting anything to change and wanted it to change a little, mixed in with the occasional feelings of wanting it to completely turn around.  Having said all that, here goes...

First of all, I'm so freaking depressed, I can't take it anymore.  I know this is because I'm not eating.  I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.  I can't fall asleep at night because 1) I drink too much caffeine during the day and at night before bed and 2) I'm overly anxious about random crap (i.e. - screwing up on helping a customer that I had like, two days ago and wondering if she's still mad) and the caffeine doesn't help the anxiety either.  I'm so freaking irritable all the time.  I feel horrible for my boyfriend who puts up with my attitude every night when we talk.  I told him I don't want to talk to him all day anymore so we only talk for about 30 minutes on the phone every night when I get off work.  Other than that I don't talk to him.  I don't want to see him anymore because I don't feel like putting on a smile and having a good time with him, and aside from that I don't have a sex drive so I don't want to disappoint him when I tell him I'm not in the mood.  TMI? Don't care, this is my blog.  Anyway.  I dread working every single day.  I used to love work.  I hate it now.  I'd rather sit in my bed all night and feel depressed.  I'm so irritable at work with the customers.  I try my best to be nice and polite and welcoming to them, but I can no longer fake it and when I deal with the really ignorant ones I just want to scream.  I have no energy to put in the effort I should, and not nearly even half as much energy as I should if I want to do the outstanding job I used to be able to do/the job everyone expects of me because that's what I've brought to the table for almost two years.  I'm ashamed of my new-found work ethic, which is pretty much do minimal work, stand there, ignore customers.  I mean, I feel like a fucking failure.  I'm horrible.  I do a horrible, horrible job and I beat myself up for it every day.  That's why I just don't want to go.  Not until I'm healthy, if and when that happens.  Everyone avoids me at work now for the most part.  Jen barely talks to me because I think the whole situation just makes her upset/mad/frustrated/whatever.  On top of everything, I am seriously so dumbed down from lack of nutrients that I want to avoid people and avoid anything that requires thinking even a little bit because I know I will fuck it up and make a fool out of myself.  I'm a brain-dead piece of shit.  I hate myself.  Anyway, that's why I can't stand going to work.  Plus I'm so scared I'll pass out from standing all night.  I haven't  been eating more than 150 calories for the last three days, and the caffeine is starting to not matter.  I drink more than 2 liters of diet soda a day and I guess my body is used to it now so it doesn't keep me awake anymore.  I'm so achy all over all the time.  Achy and tired.  I hate everything that this has done to me but I have done this all to myself so I can't complain.

I'm constantly thinking about going inpatient now, since my psychiatrist has made the threat to commit me.  I haven't gotten my labwork done today because I over slept and now I have to go Monday or Tuesday so that she can get the results by Thursday, hopefully.  This is a dilemma because my mom would have to take me and she has to work and they close at 3 on Mondays and Tuesdays.  She is thinking about taking Monday off anyway because she is having car troubles so she needs to get that fixed.  Anyway, my doctor is checking my Lithium level and also my lipid panel, metabolic panel and I have to do a urinalysis, on top of all the bloodwork I have to get done for the APN.  I know my Lithium level is at least slightly high because I have a tremor, but that could also just be low glucose, although I have been eating so I doubt the latter.  So basically I know she'll commit me.  I'm not even freaking trying, except tonight I ate when I wasn't even hungry.  I'm kind of mad at myself for that though.  And of course there's the constant fear of weight gain because I was stupid and weighed myself tonight and I weighed two pounds more than I did this morning.  Chances are I'll have gained a pound.  I'm hoping not but I know I won't lose a pound.  I hate my body.  Anyway, I'm preparing to go to the hospital.  I'm already telling myself I won't have to work Thursday on because I'll be hospitalized then since that is when my appointment is, unless she doesn't send me right away for some reason.  I still don't think I'm "sick enough" to go inpatient but whatever.  And it's not going to work if I really don't want it, but that's the thing, I don't know what I want right now.  I'm confused.  If anything I wish there were a way to be healthy but stay at this weight, but I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too... heh.  Anyway, I guess that's all I have to say for now.

I Spilled 7-Up on my Crotch

So stuff happened today.  I already made a post about it on WE but I will quote it here because I really don't feel like typing it again:

I went to see my psychiatrist today and it wasn't a very good visit. She told me she'd been reading my therapist's notes on me and she knew I still wasn't eating. Basically she told me she could commit me to the hospital right then and there if she wanted to and I instantly got freaked. She didn't obviously didn't but she's going to check my Lithium level and if it's too high (Lithium toxicity) then she will commit me because that indicates I'm not eating enough. So basically I have to eat tomorrow so that hopefully my level will be lowered enough on Saturday when I get labwork done, to keep me out of the hospital. I argued with her that I'm not medically compromised (and also added that my weight isn't low enough, even though I'm underweight) and therefore can't be committed but her stance was that I'm so "delusional" from not eating that I have poor judgment and can't take care of myself. She said she could definitely make it a case.

Anyway, I'm so freaked out. I don't want to go to the hospital but I don't know if I can bring myself to eat substantially either. I'm so depressed from not eating at this point that I don't even have an appetite or feel like eating anything other than ice pops. I would be embarrassed if I went to the hospital and wasn't "sick enough," wasn't at a really low weight. Mostly I'm just super unready for recovery and that's mostly because I still think I'm fine. I don't want to get better right now. I don't want to force myself to eat to stay out of the hospital either. I just want to be left alone and keep doing what I'm doing and living the way I'm living. I hate being this miserable and suffering the repercussions of this disorder but it's comfortable to me and I'm not ready to change that. So basically I don't know what to do.

My doctor wants to send me to one of the hospitals I've been at twice before.  I don't want to go because I'm not at a low enough weight.  If I had to go I would adjust I suppose.  And I already know the staff so that would make it easier.  And my therapist really isn't helping me with having a better relationship with food besides telling me to eat/not eat this or that.  I don't think I can do this on my own and that's because I don't want to right now.

 I almost passed out at work today, but I happened to be right in front of Jen talking to her so she tried to make me drink a soda... a real soda.  With sugar.  I took about five sips of it throughout the night, then I spilled some of it on my crotch on the way home (laugh it up) and gave the rest to my little brother.  I've only had the soda and two ice pops today.  Tomorrow I'll probably eat more because I'm off from work.

I can't change therapists secretively.  Apparently I have to confront my therapist and tell her myself that I want to change therapists.  Great.  I hate confronting people.  And that means I have to wait until October.

There's not much else that I feel like typing.  

I Thought Maybe You Were Looking for an Update

So life has pretty much been the same.  Shorter days, long nights with no sleep til dawn, lots of caffeine, diuretics, the occasional laxative (though they still don't work anymore, hence 'occasional'), and smoking my brains out.  I've lost another pound since my last update, but have maintained this weight for 4-5 days now.  Very frustrating, but I know I'll lose another eventually.

I ate rather a lot today as opposed to what I'm used to.  Just over 400 calories.  I usually stay up late because I eat last around midnight, but tonight I went to lie down around 10:30, fell asleep around 11:30 and work up from a nightmare around 1:30.  So now I am up and drinking my diet Pepsi & smoking my brains out.  I went down early because I think I'm getting bronchitis from allergies.  It's said to be a bad ragweed season, and I'm allergic to ragweed so, do the math.  I really hope I don't get bronchitis though because that means I'd have to take a few days off from work since I'd be very loud coughing and would have almost no voice, which means I'd have to find a doctor to go to in order to get a doctor's note for work.  Not to mention not being paid.  That hurts more since they've already cut hours.  I  have a physical on Wednesday next week with the APN on the partial side of where I go for therapy.  It was all my therapist's idea.  I guess she wants to see if I've physically damaged myself by not eating.  Fat chance.  The only thing I know for sure is that I have arrhythmia (that's already been confirmed) and I think bradycardia (if it's possible to have both?) and my orthostatic blood pressure is probably fucked up.  Other than that I'm probably fine.

There's big news that I've been meaning to get around to posting but haven't obviously.  I'm seeing my half-sister tomorrow.  I barely know her.  She lived with us for maybe a year or so when I was four and she was my age.  I don't really have good memories of her but she said she was sorry for how things were then and she seems like a good person now so I thought I'd give her a shot.  She contacted me two years ago after my dad died but I ignored her, and then I was going through my messages on Facebook and saw hers and felt bad so then we started talking.  Anyway, we're getting a coffee and then going to an arcade (my idea - I'm such a little kid).  She's bringing her 10-year-old daughter (my niece, but I don't really feel comfortable calling her that because I don't know her at all).  She keeps telling me we have a lot in common.  I called her at work today and we ended up talking for an hour.  I've been nervous to see her again.  Which is probably playing into why I can't sleep tonight.  But I'm excited at the same time.  I always wondered what it was like to have a sister.  Whenever people ask me how many siblings I have I just tell them about my two brothers.  I actually have another brother, my sister's brother, and another sister whom I've never met and no one knows where she is and no one has for years.  I don't even know if she knows my dad is dead.  But anyway, there's a bit of my family history for ya.

So nothing much has changed.  Same shit, different day.  And that's partly why I haven't been posting, but mostly because I've just been too lazy.  The end.

Too Much Caffeine!!

Ah, so today was good, I suppose.  It wasn't bad.  I lost two pounds since yesterday.  I slept in today.  I still weighed in at the appropriate time but I slept longer than usual after that.  Anyway, I got up and woke up and called Jen like I said I would.  We talked for about 15 minutes.  She said the only person who's noticed anything at work (who's told her at least) is Wendy.  No big deal.  Wendy is so bubbly that she probably is like, "Whatever!" and moves on.  Jen and I talked about carbs and energy and whatnot.  I told her I was thinking about getting a new therapist.  I looked up an eating disorder specialist last night so I told her about that but I told her I would try a new therapist at the place I am now before I do that.  This way I can see my boyfriend more often since he is on the partial care side.

I went to work and it was good.  I had my caffeine and I did all the tills I could before I left.  I bought more diet Pepsi and ice pops and went home.

I've been drinking diet Pepsi all night.  I'm so wired.  The only thing I have to worry about is lack of sleep and that it could trigger a manic episode since I'm Bipolar.  I don't want that to happen, that would suck.  But I have all the caffeine from the soda plus the caffeine from the diuretics and I'm jammin' to some System of a Down who are my favorite band and life is just good.  I'm talking to my best friend, or at least I was until she disappeared into God knows where.  But I'll probably crash at one point or another.  I want to stay awake until at least 4 though because I had something to eat near 1am because my stomach hurt so bad so I shoved a fat-free turkey dog and a pouch of fruit snacks down my throat.  I'm under 300 again but it's better than yesterday because yesterday I was under 200.  Progress not perfection! Haha, psych, I'm not progressing to anything.  I wish I were.  Anyway, this has just turned into a pointless rant about nothing and hyperness and stuff so I'm going to end it now.

Caffeine is the Answer!

So today is still being awesome.  Fell asleep after 5am.  After weigh-in (lost a pound), went back to bed until 2:30.  I quickly hopped in the shower because I didn't take one before bed last night (which is when I usually take them nowadays) and got dressed for work. I knew I had to eat something before work, but I really wasn't feeling like it.  I mean, I seriously didn't want to go near or think about food.  But I forced myself to have a can of tuna, yes, a whole can.  I either have half a can and bread with it to make it a sandwich, or I just have a whole can in a bowl without bread.  Anyway, I felt pretty shitty.  I just don't feel like being near food, let alone eating enough to maintain a high enough energy level.

I went to work at 5 and the first thing I think of is that I need caffeine or I'm not going to be able to work efficiently.  I couldn't buy a diet Pepsi until my break, so I just waited it out.  I talked to Jen very briefly, and asked her if my poor performance is noticeable.  She told me it's been noticeable, which kind of bothered me.  Then I wondered if it was only noticeable to her, or if other people have noticed it.  I didn't have a chance to ask her because then I had a customer.  I didn't get to finish talking to her at all.  I'll probably call her sometime tomorrow if I remember, because I didn't call her today.  She wasn't even supposed to come in today.  She was called in.  That sucks.

Anyway, after I went on break and had my soda, I was okay.  Caffeine is the answer to all my problems right now.  It's the only way I can get the energy I need to work.  The rest of the night went pretty well.  So far I can't think of anything I missed, but that doesn't mean I won't think of something while I'm trying to sleep tonight, which is the time I use to belittle myself and criticize everything I've done during the day.  Horrible, aren't I?  It sucks being a perfectionist.

Rick and Shannon gave me a ride home.  Since then I've been talking to my best friend, the one who's been having a really rough time lately.  Well she decided she's gonna get fucked up tonight, which is great because it's helping her and we're actually having a fun conversation rather than a depressing, my-life-sucks-I-wanna-die conversation.  So we're having a little party and we're planning to get fucked up for my 21st birthday, which isn't until May, but who cares?  My only concern is that she's going to turn to drinking more often and may start a problem.  She had a problem with alcohol when we were teenagers but since then has only drank occasionally, as have I.  She's also mentioned that she was smoking cigarettes, which isn't good either because she'd completely quit about a year ago or more, so I'm concerned that she'll start back up with that again, too.  Anyway, I'm just gonna keep an eye on her and see what happens.  But those are my concerns.

So that's what I'm doing right now.  It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm having a texting/Facebook party with my best friend and we're getting all excited about getting fucked up on my birthday.

On another exciting note, I have no closing days at work this week.  Sadly though, I don't have as many hours.  Guess I can't win.

BY THE WAY, this is my 100th post on this blog.  Yay!

That's all, folks.

The Best of Both Worlds

So today was an interesting day.  I woke up around 8 but kept hitting snooze so I really just lied in bed until about 10 and finally got up and weighed in.  I lost a pound since yesterday, but am still a pound more than I was a few days ago.

Around 10:30 I called my old school therapist to talk about my best friend, who is going through a really hard time.  I don't really talk about this on my blog because it's none of anyone's business, but I text her every night and she's just going through a really, really hard time. That's all I can say.  Anyway, she didn't answer so I went back to bed.  About an hour later she called me and we talked.  I felt better.

I was going to go back to bed again but then my other best friend called me because she was at the boardwalk and she wanted me to look something up online.  And then we talked for a while.  And then I went back to bed, again.

My boyfriend texted me and woke me up around 3 and then I couldn't go back to sleep.  I got up and went online and dicked around the house.  I had plans to go to Barnes & Noble when my mom got home from work.

My mom got home from work and she was in a horrible mood.  She had a horrible week and a horrible day and she was near tears (actually did cry at one point).  So I tried to have a conversation with her to calm her down.  Then we left to go to the book store and get my Wreck This Journal.  Then I came home and my boyfriend came over.

He stayed her for about four hours.  We had a good time.  I get stronger feelings for him every time we see each other.  Then he left around 11:30.

I had a horrible headache for much of the night and finally took something for it.  I'm not really one who pops something at the first sign of a headache.  It has to be really unbearable for me to take an Advil or something.

I've eaten just under 400 calories today.  I really don't even have to try to restrict.  It comes naturally.  I'm so depressed and anxious all the time anyway that it makes me have no appetite.  Eating is pretty much a chore.  I know I'll have to eat a little  more tomorrow during the day because I'm closing the store again.  I fucking hate closing the store because I feel so pressured to do everything right.  It's so stressful.  I realized last night, while I was trying to sleep of course, that I left one of the drawers in the office that has coins in it, open.  At least I think I did.  It wasn't like totally opened but it wasn't locked either, I think.  I'm really not sure.  And I left the box of tickets for the stupid game (that is now over, thank God) outside the office at the actual Customer Service desk.  I'm scared to go in tomorrow and have an angry note.  I'm scared that they'll notice that I just fuck everything up and am unfocused and incapable of doing my job.  I don't care if I lose things, physical functions or otherwise to my eating disorder, but if I were to lose my job because of my eating disorder, I would be so upset.  It would be all my fault.  I've never lost a job in my life, and I've never even been written up or done anything bad at all.  I have a perfect track record when it comes to work.

Honestly, the thing I've been thinking about for days now is how can I lose weight but still eat enough?  That is not a question that I'm looking for an actual answer to, mind you, but just what I've been asking myself.  I've come to the conclusion that I can't have the best of both worlds and I'll have to choose one or the other.  I want to choose to get better, but I'm so scared.  I like to think that I'm trying every day to eat what I can, but apparently that's not enough.  I do not by any means want to lose my job or even be talked to about my poor performance on the job.  I'm so lost right now.  I'm thinking about calling Jen tomorrow and talking to her about it.  I just don't know how I would bring it up.  I can't talk to my stupid therapist about it.  She's just going to tell me what to eat and when and how much weight to gain because she's so fucking controlling.  Not a good match for an ED patient.

I want answers.

Pink Floyd

Today was crazy.  I didn't get a lot of sleep last night again.  I finally fell asleep around 5:30 this morning but I woke up pretty much every half-hour in pain.  I've had sharp stomach pains all day and I don't think they're from hunger - I'm not sure what they're from.  Anyway, I got up at 8 as usual and weighed in.  I gained another pound, but that was expected of course.  I tried to go back to sleep but I was awoken every five minutes because of the stomach pain.  Oh well, I had to get up anyway.

I had my therapy appointment today.  She hates me so much now that she told me our next appointment will be half an hour instead of fifty minutes.  Whatever.  She also told me I can't go to the partial care picnic next week because "it won't be good" for me.  Fuck you.  I'm going to request a new therapist.  Not just because of that, but I'm tired of her trying to control me all the time about everything.  She gets on my fucking nerves.  On the bright side, my boyfriend gave me an awesome wristband thing that he bought on the boardwalk.  It's green and it has different colored peace signs all over it!  It's pretty awesome.  He also gave me one of his old Pink Floyd shirts.  I love it; I'm wearing it to bed.  I get to see him tomorrow too so that's super exciting.

Tomorrow I'm off, and as I said, I'm seeing my boyfriend and also going to Barnes & Noble (it's a bookstore, for anyone who's never heard of it) to pick up a vocabulary book and something called Wreck This Journal which is an awesome journal that has a different activity on every page.  Very creative.  And I also might go to the craft store and get some canvases for painting since I've run out.  So tomorrow should be a great day.

I've barely eaten today because I really wasn't hungry and my stomach hurt so bad. Maybe I'll do better tomorrow.

Hello Binge

So today was horrible but okay.  I weighed in at 8am as usual and I gained a pound from that pasta I ate last night.  It had 58g carbs in it and 5g fat.  WOAH.  I didn't think it would be a problem but apparently it was.

I went back to bed and woke up around 1:30.  Or at least, that's when I got up.  I had a horrible time sleeping last night and didn't do much better when I went back to bed.  My friend's mom was supposed to pick me up shortly after 2 to go to her house.  After being up for about 10 minutes, my friend called me and said that her mom was on her way.  It wasn't even quarter to 2.  I frantically went in the bathroom to weigh myself again and threw on some real clothes and gathered my things.  We are working on a special secret project - yes, I know that sounds so elementary - so I had to get all the stuff ready and in a bag.

When I got to her house I put my things down and she was freaking out because she got a call from an employer about an interview, and he wanted her to come in today.  So she freaked out a little more and then got ready and we left.  It was at a dollar store so we went in to look around.  I hadn't eaten anything prior to coming to her house like I'd planned so I was worried.  I wanted to find something safe I can bring back to her house and eat.  But no.  What did I do?  I bought chips, potato sticks, cookies and pretzels with cheese.  Then I went to her mom's car and sat in the back seat and shoved half of it down my throat.  I don't know how many calories I've had, but it's probably somewhere around 1500 for the day.  And after that we went back to her house and I ate freaking spaghetti.  (The 1500 includes the spaghetti)  I felt like shit.  I got a massive headache afterwards so I took a nap for an hour in the guest bedroom.  I still felt like shit when I woke up.  My sugar was probably really high and that's probably why I felt like that.  But that's just my uneducated guess.   The rest of the night we worked on our project and played cards and then I came home.

I'm so repulsed by food right now.  I don't wanna know about it, I don't wanna smell it, I don't wanna see it or hear anything remotely has anything to do with it.  I'm going to painstakingly weigh myself tonight before I get in the shower.  I'm so fucking mad.  I fucking hate when I do this.  What the hell is wrong with me??

The Miserableness of Living With Anorexia

So I just spent the last 45 minutes or so reading over my old blog a bit.  It made me so sad.  It also made me think.  I never really put thought to whether or not I can stop this whenever I want to.  If someone told me tomorrow that I have to eat at least 1200 calories, I'd probably scream.  I wouldn't be able to do it.  I don't really think of my ED as often as most people, I suppose.  I think of it when it's relevant of course, but other than that I don't think of it much.  Anyway, it made me want to cry.  I don't know why.  I just feel so helpless.  I know I'd be much happier if I ate normally and healthily but I'm not letting myself do that.  And for people who have been around during the whole or at least a big part of your ED, it gets old for them and they just become frustrated rather than understanding.  Not that eating disorders are something to be understood and thought of as okay, 'cause they're obviously not okay.  People just get so angry now.  They're tired of it.  It's a game to them.  It's always, "I don't wanna play your little games anymore."  This isn't a game.  It's just a miserable, unhappy, sad way to live.  And in my head lately I've been thinking, I can get better and be happy if I just eat some more every day, but then I combat it with, Okay, you can do that once you reach x weight.  

Every day I feel more and more tired and weak.  I can't tell you how many people have come up to me at work in the last week and said, "What'd you just wake up or something?" or, "Wow, you need to drink a Red Bull."  And I just shrug it off.  I'm getting enough sleep nowadays; I just get so physically drained when I go to work because I can't take standing up for long periods of time anymore.  But I can stay up until 5 in the morning because I don't wake up (excluding 8am weigh-in) until 2pm.

I'm making myself miserable.  I know what I need to do to make this all better, but I can't bring myself to do it.  I shouldn't complain about it just for that reason.  Everyone has every right to be mad at me.  They have every right to be disappointed.  So I will go back to pretending everything is fine.  Or I will do what I have to do.  But I know I'm not ready for the latter.

*****************************************************

I'm starting to think my boyfriend is clingy.  He gets upset when I don't answer his texts right away.  And God forbid I'm on the phone and don't answer him.  He gets so upset and then he starts giving me one-word answers.  Whatever.  I mean, I love him and all, and he's so amazing and sweet and sensitive.  I just don't like the clingy part.  I don't know if I should confront him about it.  I really think we have something special and I don't want to make him upset by bringing it up.

I need to figure shit out.

Dull Boring Day

Nothing really interesting happened today.  I tried to sleep in as best as possible (after I physically got up to weight myself around 8), but that meant pressing snooze and being woken up every five minutes for an hour.  Oh well.  I did something daring and had a bowl of cereal today.  It was one of those pre-packaged boxes of cereal.  AND I had whole milk with it (that's all we had in the house until I bought skim milk after work).  Go me.

Work wasn't bad.  When I came in Jen was still there so I felt anxious because I feel like I have to try harder when she's around me now since she's so disappointed in me.  I was only with her for half an hour and then she went home.  Then Ms. Gaye came in.  I'm starting to like working with Ms. Gaye more because I don't feel pressured and she's super laid back.  I work with her the most at the desk I would say.  Except this week.  I'm off on the only other two days she ever works.  Anyway, it's easy working with her because I pull all the tills that can be pulled before I leave to make it fair, since it's about half the tills, and she pulls the rest all night after I leave.  So overall work was pretty good.

I bought Special K cereal and skim milk when I left.  I plan on eating some tomorrow hopefully.  And hopefully I won't let the milk go to waste.  I actually bought a half-gallon instead of a quart.  And I also bought fat-free pretzels, one of the safe foods I've had from the beginning of my ED.

Nothing really exciting happened today.  My life is pretty boring.

I'm a Shit Worker

Today was okay.  I've been so tired lately.  I go to bed between 3 and 5 in the morning and get up at 8, but I usually find time for a nap during the day, so I'm getting enough sleep.

I got up at 8 today and stayed up for a couple of hours, then took a nap until I needed to get ready for work at 1.  I worked with my friend Jen today for two hours before she left and the other Jenn came in.  She asked me if I was still struggling and I just nodded my head.  I shouldn't have done that though; I should've told her I was fine.  Not that she ever believes me when I say that.  My other co-worker, Wendy, came up to me just then and said I was really pale.  I told her I've been sick lately and I saw Jen shaking her head out of the corner of my eye.  I've been having trouble at work the last week or so.  No matter what I do, I'm so drained at work.  I can be perfectly fine going in, but after about an hour or so of being there I become so tired and out of it and unfocused.  I've tried eating more before going in but that doesn't seem to make a difference.  So I asked Jen if she thought I was a shit worker, and she said that I'm not taking care of myself, but I'm a good employee, but if I don't take care of myself then I'm useless to the company.  She sounded so annoyed and disappointed.  She's right.  I could lose my job if I keep it up.  I didn't talk to her much after that.  I know she's annoyed with me.  And it makes me want to cry.  But now I just have to lie to her, and lie well.  I've gotta really milk it... "Oh, no, I've been eating a lot more, I'm just tired lately.  I'm really doing better."  Does that sound fake?  I dunno.  But that's what upset me today.

That's all I really feel like typing today.  Not that there's much else going on in my dull life.

Anorexia?

So.  What an interesting day this has been.  I'm back down to the weight I was before I binged over a week ago.  Gee, only took me 9 days.  Ugh.

I went to my therapy appointment today.  Actually, I was late because the transportation was fucking retarded and picked me up late, then decided to pick up two more people before dropping me off.  It didn't matter though because when I got there my therapist was dealing with a crisis and she couldn't see me right away.

When I finally met with her, she told me she needed to go over my treatment plan with me.  She had already written (typed, actually) everything out, and I just had to agree to it.  Well, there was a problem.  On the "Target areas" she listed "Anorexia and binge & purge patterns," with which I did not agree.   I'm not even underweight! And she's trying to diagnose me with Anorexia Nervosa.  I brought it to her attention that I'm not even close to being under 85% of my IBW and therefore cannot be considered Anorexic, but rather EDNOS would be more appropriate at this time.  Then she told me because I already have a history of being anorexic and have in the past been under 85% of my IBW, that I qualify.  Wtf? Okay, obviously you're retarded. She went to look it up in the DSM and we argued some more until I told her to drop it.  We talked about how I have an addiction to comfort and then we ended.

Transportation didn't come to pick me up so I went home on the van with the people from the partial care side, which includes my boyfriend.  I didn't get home until almost 5pm.  My mom and I were supposed to do laundry, but she changed her mind at the last minute and instead, dropped me off with my laundry at the laundromat.  I was kind of annoyed that she did that, but ultimately I was glad to have some time to myself to think in a place where no one would bother me.

When I came home I had some small things to eat, then watched TV with my little brother.  And after that my mom went to bed and I've been on the computer since.  Nothing exciting.

Today is my only day off and I'm pissed because I was supposed to have off tomorrow as well, but work called me in.  Oh well.

I had an inspiring conversation with a friend.  I'm going to try to eat more tomorrow, but I'm not supposed to just try, I'm supposed to just do.  So we'll see how that goes.

Powerball Madness

Today I feel okay.  I finally lost that stubborn pound that was hanging around for, oh, five days or so.  I binged a little when I came home from work tonight and that is why I'm up late again.  I cannot go to bed directly after eating.  I have to wait at least two hours.  So I will be up for maybe another hour, even though I ate about 3-4 hours ago.

Work was crazy.  Sooo many people in line to get Powerball lottery tickets!!! I'm praying someone hits the jackpot tonight.  I wanted to shoot myself.  I could hardly get anything done in a timely fashion because every time I tried to do something, someone wanted a lottery ticket or someone had a Coinstar.  Ugh.  Other than that, work was pretty smooth.  Nothing I couldn't handle.  This one girl - actually, the same girl who left early yesterday for a "family emergency" - was trying to go home early again today.  I personally think she's bullshitting.  She's called out at least twice, not shown up at all twice, and left early three or four times within the last three weeks or so.  Like, just fucking suck it up already.  It's your job.  If you don't like it then quit.  She's going back to school in like, two weeks, anyway.  I don't know what we're going to do when people go back to school.  I'm assuming I'll be cashier more often and I know I'll be doing tags at least on Thursday most of the time, and also bright and early at 6am on Friday mornings.  I hate getting up at 4:30 in the morning to go to work.  But on Fridays I usually get a full day, eight-and-a-half hours.  Which means I get two 15-minute breaks and a 30-minute meal, not to mention more pay obviously.  Woohoo.  But I really hate it, it's such a drag.  But yeah, I don't know what will happen when everyone goes back to school.  There are at least four people I can think of who are going back to school. It's pretty cool how Acme will hold their jobs for them while they're at school.  Probably because we're a union store.  Unions are cool like that.

I have my therapy appointment tomorrow, and I get to see my boyfriend, but I think he's mad at me.  We were texting when I came home from work but I was on the phone with two people (at separate times) and I wasn't texting him as often and then he was just like,  "Good night" and I felt bad.  Oh well, I'll make it up to him somehow tomorrow.

Life Goes On

I apologize for my post yesterday.  I talked to my boyfriend about it actually.  I was texting him already and then that happened and we were in the middle of a conversation and I didn't think I had made any response that would indicate there was something wrong, but he asked me if I was okay.  I'm tired of keeping it a secret from him so I told him I was upset and he called me and we talked about it.  I told him I was scared to scare him off and he said nothing I did or said would scare him off and he wants me to talk to him more.  That made me feel better.  He was very sweet to me today, more than usual.  I guess he felt bad because he was unsure of what to say or how to help.  I told him to just keep doing what he's doing.

Today was very stressful.  Mainly at work.  I closed the store again tonight.  I only had two cashiers after 6pm and then at 8:30, one of them had to go home because apparently she had a family emergency.  Soo, I freaked out.  I asked the girl who was on self-checkout to stay an extra half-hour.  Turns out I didn't even need her.  Oh well.  I frantically rushed around trying to get everything done by the end of the night because I was behind.  I just made it.  I'm actually not even positive that I did everything, but I guess I'll find out tomorrow if I go in and there's an angry note.

I didn't eat a single thing all day, not even ice pops.  Then I came home.  My mom had gone food shopping.  I started off by having ice pops, then I had a sliver of pineapple, and finished it off with a can of whole potatoes.  Oh well.  I'll do better tomorrow.

My best friend is on her way to South Carolina as I type this.  She couldn't come by and say goodbye to me.  I wasn't surprised.  She never has time to see me.  I haven't seen her in over a year.  I still love her though, even though she never gets down here to see me (she did live 30 minutes away).

Life goes on.

What the Hell Did I Just Do?

I went into today planning to eat only ice pops.  I did great all day.  I knew I would want some real food when I got home from work, though.  I tried keeping myself occupied.  There's pretty much no food in the house anyway, so what could I possibly get myself into other than safe foods?  I forgot about the hamburgers in the freezer that I'd bought for my little brother.  Long story short, I had one.  And I didn't feel anything at first.  But now I am filled with regret and discomfort (physically and emotionally).  I can't believe I just freaking did that.  Seriously?  I am so full and so uncomfortable.  And now I'm going to gain weight.  I fucking hate myself.  I'm so fucking stupid.  And I don't need to gain weight!!!! I'm not underweight.  Fuck this shit, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!!! I can't stand myself right now.  I hate food, I hate worrying about stupid food all the freaking time, I hate worrying about weight gain, I hate it all! My set point is too fucking high, I'm fat and disgusting and I wish this would all fucking end! I'm so done with this shit.  WHY CAN'T I JUST LOOK GOOD.  Why do I have to be fat and disgusting?  Why can't I control myself?  WHY WHY WHY?!??! I want to scream at a fucking wall and fuck something up and just flip the fuck out!!!! OVER A FUCKING HAMBURGER.  THIS STUPID FUCKING HAMBURGER HAS SOME POWER OVER ME THAT I CAN'T GET OVER.  Fuck you, hamburger, go fucking rot.  I hate my body, I hate food, I hate everything right now, I'm so sick of it all.

Night-time Madness

So it's about 3am and I've had this tab up for a good four hours now, contemplating if I felt like updating or not.  I guess I am.

I'm frustrated because my weight has been fluctuating.  I've not been doing great with having control over what I eat.   Tonight's dinner became a binge on safe food.  I've gone over 500 today I think.  Then I had a million ice pops for the rest of the night and didn't even record them.  Oh well.  I'm seriously thinking of just eating ice pops now and maybe the occasional fruit snack if I feel the need.  I just want to lose a few more pounds.

Work has been a little stressful.  I closed again the other night.  I was so worried that I'd miss something,  but there was a note there when I got in from Sabrina pretty much saying 'thank you' for doing all the things that needed to be done.  I wanted to take it down because I didn't want people to get mad at me, but Jen told me to leave it up for bragging rights.  I'm really not the bragging kind of person, so it felt really weird.  Today I went in and didn't know what to do with myself.  I was working with Jen for a couple of hours.  Sundays are always so boring.  I hate coming in before 5 because there are no tills to pull until after 5 and nothing really exciting to do unless there are a lot of customers, which there usually aren't.  Jen left at 5:30 and Shannon came in.  She literally clocked in, put her shit down and left to walk around the store for thirty minutes.  Meanwhile I was due for my break and I was getting a lot of annoying customers who were just bitchy and the like.  I called her over the intercom so I could go on break.  After that I felt better because there was a lot to do.  I left at 8 and went home after buying my mom a chicken Caesar salad and cigarettes.

I texted my boyfriend for a while.  I wasn't in the best mood and felt kind of lonely.  He was really hyper and saying random shit, which made me feel a little better, but then he went to bed.  I had called my friend Steph, who was supposed to stay on the phone with me to watch the meteor shower.  I called her and she said she'd call me back, but she almost never did.  I ate a bunch of crap and waited for my mom to go to bed so I could have the computer.  I felt really lonely again and I tried talking to Steph on facebook.  She was barely answering me.  I found other things to do, like dress up and take pictures and put them on FB.  Because I was that bored.  I spoke with my best friend, who is moving on Wednesday.  She said she might try to see me before she hits the road for South Carolina.  She has stuff to give me and vice versa.  I haven't seen her in over a year.  She never has time to see me.

Anyway, Steph finally got back in touch with me about an hour ago and she called me and I went outside to see the meteor shower.  I was outside for about 5 minutes before I heard gunshots (I live right outside the city in a not-so-safe area) and ran back inside.  Didn't get to see the meteor shower, but tomorrow's another day.  And if I miss it tomorrow there's always next year, the year after that, etc.

I've been keeping myself amused all night by listening to music, Tumblring, Facebooking, painting my nails, eating ice pops.  I really am not tired.  I have to call transportation tomorrow to set it up for my appointment on Thursday.  Then I have work at 5 and after that it will probably be another night of staying up, hopefully getting to see the meteor shower.  We'll see how it goes.

Now I'm just trying to figure out what else there is to do for the night.  I know if I read a book I'll probably fall asleep, and I don't really want to sleep yet.  I honestly don't want to read a book either.  I want to play catch, but there's no one to play with and I can't do it against the wall or floor (especially the floor because I have neighbors downstairs) because of noise.  I hate not having people around.  Night time is so lonely.  I wish everyone would just wake up and party! Woo! But that's not going to happen.  I'll figure something out.

Food and Therapy

I don't want to gain weight.  But I want to up my calorie intake a tad so I don't feel like shit constantly.  I have nearly no energy when I eat as little as I usually do.  But I don't really want to up my calories either.  I did well today (for Ed), under 300.  Because I'm trying to lose the weight I'd gained.  And then I'll stop.  But I know I won't, I'm just telling myself it'll be okay once I lose the weight again and then I'll stop restricting and start eating.

But then I have this problem, which I have been experiencing the past couple of days, where even if I'd eaten I still feel the need to eat.  And it's always carbs.  I hate that.  I get this feeling when I am 'healthy' too.  I just overall have an unhealthy relationship with food.

Therapy went okay today.  She asked me what it is I want from her in our sessions and I told her I just want someone to listen.  She let me bitch about the food I'd eaten yesterday (which was honestly kind of weird) and we talked about random other stuff and that was it.

I bought more safe food today.  I feel better now.

I'm sorry if I'm disappointing anyone who reads this blog by sinking further into my disorder.  I really am sorry, I think about it often and feel guilty.  I'm ashamed of myself too.  I don't know what I want.  I don't know where I'm expecting this to all go, but I know it won't be good if I keep it up.  I wish it were easier - for all of us.

FUCKFUCKFUCK.

I have so many mixed emotions.. I need to put this somewhere.  Yesterday I'd eaten a whole hell of a lot compared to what I've been doing.  Basically, calorie-wise, I'd consider it a binge.  It was 677.7 calories for the day.  I was mortified when I'd gained two pounds. But today? I've been craving food all day.  My body is telling me it's starving. I bought a bunch of tuna at work because it's on sale this week for 88 cents.  I'd only had two ice pops and a serving of Light Pringles before work, and I came home and had a fucking tuna sandwich, which made me close to 300 for the day, which should have been enough.  Oh, if you count the 32 calories I'd burned earlier from walking to the corner store to get smokes, then a little less than that.  But seriously, I came home, ate the fucking sandwich, and my mouth was craving something more.  I originally had thought of having a bowl of cereal.  And I freaking should have.  But no.  I go and ask my brother if he wants some mac and cheese from a stupid fucking box and I fucking ate like half the box.  And I'm so fucking pissed.  It's going to be torture when I step on the scale tomorrow morning.  I fucking hate myself.  I feel so full and uncomfortable that it shouldn't be legal.  This is insane.  I want to jump out of my skin.  I am not comfortable, I am not comfortable, I am UNCOMFORTABLE AS FUCK.  I'm taking twice as many laxatives tonight if that's what it will take. I don't fucking care.  I'm so fucking angry right now.  I'm so horrible.  And I have to see my stupid fucking therapist tomorrow and I can't even talk to her about it.  She'd probably be like, "oh that's great that you're eating, but mac and cheese is unhealthy, you should never eat that."  And I almost want her to say that to me right now just so I can feel even more horrible about it.  Fuck this shit.