It's been a depressing day

Not just because of the horrible raining earlier in the day here.  I went to work and did my usual - went to aisle 1 to get my Powerade Zero.  One of the Alicias was doing self-scan and she called me over.  I scrunched my hair and wore make-up and earrings today so I made a joke like, "Do I look sexy today?" and she just gave me a look and told me they've been having meetings all day because Acme is laying off 900 employees throughout the branches.  I didn't know what to say.  I was to attend the 6:30 meeting.  I had customers non-stop so I was occupied but thinking about it the whole hour before the meeting.  We went up to the break room.  It was me, both of the Alicias, Jenn and Erika.  We watched a video and got a letter from one of the CEOs of Acme basically saying we're doing shitty and we need to lay people off.  They're doing it by whoever has the least seniority.  That's me.  I've only been there a little over three months.  I started crying, but I really tried hard not to.  I love my job and I love having a job.  This is not fair.  I'm a hard worker and I've gotten employee of the month.  I worked twice as hard as most people there.  But of course it's not a matter of how hard I work.  I'm one of the lowest on the totem pole.  Tomorrow they get the list of who goes and Tim and Erika will be having one-on-one meetings with those on said list.  I know it's going to be me.  They've only hired about 5 people, if that, since I started.  Jenn told me to apply to ShopRite as soon as I get home.  Of course, this isn't definite until they get the list tomorrow.  But just judging by my seniority, I know my name will be on the list.  It's just so depressing.  Those who are on the list are effectively laid off starting May 7th.  That gives us another week and another paycheck.  At least they give us a week to look for another job.  But now I'm not going to see Jenn, and she was like my confidant.  And I have absolutely no control over this.  No one does.  It kills me.  I cannot take change.  Acme has been there for me for three months.  This probably sounds ridiculous too any sane person.  People there joke with me because I like working there and all everyone else does is complain about everything. This is one of many chapters in my life that I didn't want to end.  And they better tell me on my break tomorrow so I have time to cry about it.

Update and some poetry

A few things to start... Yesterday was weigh-in day.  I only lost 1.4lbs the last week.  So it's less than I thought I'd lost but I'm betting that completing my meal plan on Sunday had something to do with it.  The scale said 105.6 but I take at least half a pound off for my clothes and another half a pound for the two cups of water I drank before being weighed.  So technically I'm more like 104.6 and that makes me under what they want me to be but since it's still 105.6 to them, all they said was don't lose anything more.  I got upset because eating disordered thoughts have increasingly crept back into my head.  I really do want to recover but I don't want to gain the weight.  So long as I'm eating something every day I don't think there's a problem, even though I should be eating more since I'm only doing 10-50% of my meal plan every day.  Except yesterday.  I was 68% yesterday.  After getting upset at partial about the weight thing the nurse, Johana, and one of the case managers, Maria, talked to me.  Maria doesn't take bullshit so she asked me when I last ate and I told her the day before at lunch I had applesauce and that's it and she said I need to eat something now.  I told her I brought lunch but Johana already knew that the lunch I've been bringing is two packets of fruit snacks.  I agreed to eat a PBJ at lunch and they were happy with that, but I wasn't.  I threw up bile yesterday morning, which is odd because it usually takes a couple days of not eating to do that.  Anyway, I ate dinner last night too.  My mom made this beef pasta stuff so that was a good amount of exchanges.  I went to work and Jenn was there.  I got hungry at work!  For the first time in months, I was freaking hungry.  Jenn gave me some pears that she had and I ate them.  Then I was still hungry.  I was so confused.  Why was I hungry when I had a PBJ for lunch and I ate dinner?  I bought a pack of Twizzlers and ate four servings of them (12 pieces) and gave the rest to my little brother when I got home.  Today so far all I've had was a bowl of cereal, but I've only been up for about an hour.  I called Ollie and left her a message because she hasn't been responding to my emails and I still need to know about the partial program.  I have work tonight and I'm closing again.  Jenn is closing though so that's good.  Anyway, I wanted to post two poems I wrote.  The first one was written on the 23rd and the second I wrote last night:

The Trap


Crawling on the surface of my skin
Is the feeling of desperation exploding from within
A plea I make but don't follow through
A thought I think becomes an action I won't do

I run the first few miles with ease
And find myself off track
Then wander aimlessly through the trees
And wonder why I had to look back

I thought I was running in a crowd
But alone I was all along
My now quiet whisper was once so loud
When I still believed I was strong

I searched for the answers in every book
But never were they found
And after taking another look
I quit and turned around

Lonely and lost I stand
My mind overwhelmed with confusion
I reached out for a helping hand
Then cried at the illusion

I know what I am doing wrong
But can't find another way
I need for Hope to come along
And tell me that she'll stay

----
That one is about being in between recovery and relapse.  It's truly how I feel at the moment.
----

Sink or Swim


When it starts again
It's crazy how it happens
I feel the rush
One minute I'm here, the next,
Lost in its pull,
Suffocating
I listen to its commands
I can't disobey, so
I follow every irrational rule
I plunge deeper into the void
Until I realize I'm drowning
I can't come up for air

I swam too far out,
Forgetting how to tread water
The ocean of my disease...
I struggle until it
Pulls me in with its strong waves
Drowns my thoughts
The lifeguard can't see me
Then I am invisible
My hopeless tears mix
Cold and wet,
With the water that carries me away
I wait to be saved

----
This poem is really two different poems put together.  I like doing it.  I call them "reading between the lines" poems because every other line is one poem, the opposite lines are the other.  So really, if I split them up, this is what they would look like:
----

When it starts again
I feel the rush
Lost in its pull,
I listen to its commands
I follow every irrational rule
Until I realize I'm drowning

I swam too far out
The ocean of my disease
Pulls me in with its strong waves
The lifeguard can't see me
My hopeless tears mix
With the water that carries me away

----

It's crazy how it happens.
One minute I'm here, the next,
Suffocating.
I can't disobey, so
I plunge deeper into the void.
I can't come up for air

Forgetting how to tread water,
I struggle until it
Drowns my thoughts.
Then I am invisible.
Cold and wet,
I wait to be saved.

----

I really like writing in between the lines.  It's funny how I started writing like that.  I was in the middle of my big manic episode about a year ago, and everything made sense if I did it ass-backwards.

Bad decisions

Today was crazy but boring, for the most part.  My mom woke me up at 10am (my meds have made me incapable of waking up to any sound whatsoever, i.e. - my alarm clock) so I could get ready for work.  I had a bowl of cereal before going into work at 12.  Worked dragged by.  We closed at 4 today because of the Easter holiday.  Nothing really interesting happened at work, except one of the Shannons and I played detective and stalked a suspicious customer and scared him out of the store.  I got home and my mom made Easter dinner.  She cooked ham with applesauce on the side, potatoes au gratin, and corn on the cob.  I had everything but the corn on the cob.  I usually love corn on the cob, but just didn't feel like eating it.  My mom got on my case about not having a vegetable, so I had some v8 instead.  I had two blueberry strudel bites from last night after dinner.  I went for a walk about half an hour later and burned about 100 calories.  Not that I should have been tracking that anyway, but it just happened to record the calories on my Nike+ app on my iPod.  I came home and worked on some knitting for a while.  Around 9pm I called an ex boyfriend of mine, Rusty.  I have a long history with him.  I've known him since I was 12, and we dated off and on since I was 13.  I don't know what made me call him.  I guess just because I felt like getting out of the house and knew he would jump on the idea.  While I waited for him to pick me up, I ate two fruit snacks, a granola bar and a yogurt.  I don't have a clue why.  I guess I was telling myself I wanted to do better today.  He picked me up and we went to Wawa where I bought a low-fat strawberry milk, a single serving package of peanut butter cookies (2 cookies) and some Starburst Gummies.  We went back to his house and watched a movie while I ate what I'd bought.  Of course, every time we end up at his house, regardless of if we're together or not at the time, we end up having sex.  He is in fact the guy I lost my virginity to at age 13.  First he told me he wanted to kiss me and I said no because it would lead to other things and he promised it wouldn't... but of course it did.  I really don't know how I feel about it.  I mean, I could have stopped him at any time, but I didn't.  I just don't want it to be a regular thing, especially if we're not together.  It makes me feel sleazy.  I don't want to be with him ever again because pretty much all our relationship amounts to is sex.  He's so negative and puts down things I believe in and my opinions.  So I don't know what's going to happen, but I need to stick to my decision of not getting back with him.  It's the last thing I need right now.  Plus he's so depressed and I can't have that on me while I'm trying to get better.  So there, done deal.

I calculated my totals for the day and had four extra carbs which made up for three missing exchanges and gave me and extra exchange so I was more than complete for the day.  But the thing is, I'm counting things I'm not supposed to count as per Ollie's meal plan for me.  Like milk.  It's just supposed to be milk.  But I count whole milk as a milk and a lipid and the strawberry milk I had tonight counted for two proteins and four carbs as well.  I'll have to ask Ollie about it, but I'm sure she's just going to yell at me and tell me to knock it off.  I don't know why  I'm telling myself it's okay to not eat tomorrow since I don't have work.  I kind of told myself I need a day off from eating.  But then I realize that normal people don't take a "day off" from eating.  But then I told myself I'm not normal, I'm anorexic.  And then I told myself I'm not supposed to be anorexic, etc., etc.  Blah, blah, blah.  Constant war in my head and I don't know who wins.

Someone needs to knock some sense into my thick head

I'm not in much of a mood to give much of an update.  I'm really exhausted.  I'm still not doing well, if not worse than I already have been.  I ate at about 2am this morning because I couldn't sleep.  I had a bag of kettle corn and 2 cups of granola with milk (I ate it as cereal) so that was most of my exchanges.  Since I'd already totaled for the day from yesterday, I put it on today's exchanges.  It totaled 11 carb exchanges (that granola was packed with carbs), 2 lipids and 3 proteins.  So I told myself I can't each much today because of that.  I didn't eat all day and at work I was really shaky and out of it so Jenn gave me a granola thin which really doesn't count as anything for just one of them.  I bought these blueberry strudel bites and ate one.  I counted the granola thin and one strudel bite as 1 lipid and 1 carb.  That's all I've eaten all day, excluding the 2am snack.  I feel like shit and I have a monstrous headache.  But counting the 2am snack with those two things I ate today, I did 62.9% of my meal plan.  Excluding the 2am snack I did 5.7%.  Tomorrow I really have to eat something before I go to work if I already feel shitty now.  I have to be at work at 12 and I'm a bagger tomorrow which means I'll be running around more.  I'm really trying not to fall back into this completely.  I don't know why it's so hard.  On Wednesday I get weighed at partial again and I'm pretty sure they're under the impression that they can whisk me off to the hospital if I go under 105 (probably already am), but I hope they know that they can't because I'm not medically compromised and they don't have a court order, and even though I'm underweight, it's not dangerously low.  Even though technically I'm already at the "anorectic" BMI for my height.  I can NOT go back in the hospital.  I'll lose my job.  Guess I should start eating more.  I don't know.  I'm so fucking stressed out because they gave me even MORE hours this week than last week.  I don't know how I'm going to survive all this every week if they keep giving me insane hours.  And I'm afraid to ask them to give me less because I know they need me and that's why they gave them to me.  I should be grateful, and I would be if I didn't have to do partial three days a week as well.  I'm so tired and I feel like a blob of shit.  I can't even think straight because there's just too much going through my head.  I need to get my shit together before I start losing too much or using too many behaviors.  If only I had time to figure out how to do that.

Stress and losing weight... here we go again

So I don't really feel like writing a long update.  Nothing is really new (except for what I will write), I'm still super stressed and annoyed and exhausted.  Still fucking up my meal plan.  I went to parital today and the nurse there weighed me.  I lost 4.6lbs since last Wednesday.  She said she doesn't want me to go under 105.  Well if the rest of the week and next week is anything like this week, that might happen, sorry.  But I don't have work tonight so I shoved some Pringles in my face... the light ones that are fat free.  So there's two carbs.  Yesterday I did 20% of my meal plan and Monday I did 14.3% of it.  Today so far I had a cup of grapes and 8oz of OJ for breakfast, two fruit snacks for lunch, an Ensure and two servings of light Pringles: 3 fruits, 4 carbs, one of three supplements.  But I feel sick so I'm not eating any more.  And I'm tired.  I just generally feel like shit and have been for the last... oh, since I got out of the hospital.  I'm still trying to contact Ollie but she's not responding to my emails or calls.  I really don't have anyone else as a go-to person.  I feel bad because I keep calling her and emailing her and I guess I should wait until she responds to send another email, but she did tell me that I can email her as often as I'd like.  It would just be nice if she responded to them.  She's only responded to the first one I sent her since I was discharged.  I've talked to her on the phone since, but not really about anything that I need to talk to her about because she's so busy.  Maybe I'm being selfish.  Either way, I don't really care right now.  I'm too exhausted to give a shit.  Tonight is my only night off from work this week and I don't know what to do with myself.  I don't know if I'm physically capable of taking a nap.  It took me two hours to fall asleep last night.  I just can't sleep right.  I'm so tired but won't fall asleep and can't stay asleep.  But I can't stand laying there and doing nothing just because I don't have energy to do anything other than lay there, but too much energy (more like rapid thoughts that won't stop) to fall asleep.  I was seen by a psychiatrist at partial today finally and she put me back on a medication I was taken off of due to the rash I had while I was in the hospital.  The doctor at the hospital just didn't want to put me back on it because he wasn't sure what was causing the rash since I had it a week after stopping the Lamictal.  Oh well.  She says it will help me sleep and make me less anxious, which is why I was on it in the first place.  I hope it works.

It's a lonely world

Ugh.  Last night I had an actual meal for dinner, although I still didn't get all of my exchanges in.  I had pizza, which counts for my protein, carbs and fat.  I just didn't have a milk or vegetable, but why would I eat a vegetable with pizza unless it's on my pizza (which I hate)?  So I ended up doing better yesterday than I did both days before.  Around 70% because I had an extra slice to make up for some exchanges from earlier in the day.  Today so far I haven't eaten but I had an Ensure.  I'm going to be busy all day long.  I'm getting ready to leave and go shopping for a present for my cousin's baby and then we're going food shopping and to her baby's first birthday party.  Then we have to leave the party early and come home so I can get ready for work at 5.  At least they'll have food at the party I would assume.  Hopefully something other than cake, because I despise cake (not an eating disorder thing either, just never liked it).  I spent a lot of time last night realizing how lonely I feel.  I have friends who I never see and barely talk to unless it's on Facebook, and even there I don't talk to them a lot.  Everyone has a life and I'm not part of it.  I just work all the time or stay home or (now) go to partial.  I really do horribly when I'm lonely.  I'm a very social person and I thrive in a group setting.  I believe that's one of the reasons why I do so well in treatment.  I'm living with a bunch of other people who have to do the same thing every day.  When I'm home I'm just with my mom and my brothers.  My mom is a basket case most of the time and my brothers do their own thing and leave me out of it, which I don't mind because I don't like their computer games, but they don't even really talk to me much either.  The only time I'm around other people is at work and I can't really even talk to anyone because, duh, I'm working.  I just want to be around my friends and have fun at least half of the time.  I can be responsible and still have friends.  I just don't want to be miserable.  My dad was miserable and lonely and sometimes I feel like I know exactly how he felt before he died.  Sometimes I wish I could just call him and tell him I understand and I love him.  But I can't.  I'll never get to tell him.  Today I'm going to ask my Aunt Becky at the party if she can take me to see him.  I still haven't seen him since the funeral.  I need to talk to my daddy.

SO STRESSED.

I'm so fucking stressed out.  I did horrible on my meal plan yesterday.  Well, about the same as I did the day before.  About 57% again but that's with counting a Sprite and some root beer as carbs, which I'm not supposed to do.  Today is bad so far.  My breakfast was 8oz of grape juice and an Ensure and lunch was a granola bar and a cup of root beer because there's nothing else to drink.  I worked last night and I was freaking out.  First I wore the wrong shoes to work because I forgot to change into my work shoes.  They put me on register for the first time since I've been back and the second I went to my register there was a customer so I was trying to sign on and forgot how and the customer was getting impatient so I had to ask how to sign on and look retarded.  The belt that brings the groceries to the end was broken so I was doing a work out by scanning and turning and leaning to put them all down there as fast as I could.  Then the clock on the phone at my register was an hour fast and I was freaking out because it said 7:45 and I was supposed to go on break at 7 so I kept asking Jenn and she finally let me and then I got outside and check my phone and realized it was only 6:45 and I hadn't even been there for two hours and then I looked really ridiculous.  Sabrina called me yesterday to ask when I could work this week and I told her my regular schedule applies (which means I can come in after 5 on weekdays and anytime on weekends) except for Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays when I have partial I can come in after 5:30.  Tell me how I'm working 6 days this week and 28 hours.  The best part?  I have partial on Monday and then working 6-close.  And I'm closing on Tuesday too.  Wednesday I have off, Thursday I'm working 6-10 and Friday, also a partial day, she scheduled me for 4-8. I JUST TOLD YOU I CAN'T FUCKING COME IN UNTIL AFTER 5:30 ON MY PARTIAL DAYS! AND I DON'T WORK THAT EARLY ON WEEKDAYS EVER ANYWAY, ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? ARE YOU TRYING TO FUCKING PUT ME INTO OVERDRIVE BY MAKING ME WORK SO MANY FUCKING HOURS ON MY FIRST WEEK BACK WHEN I HAVE TO SPEND 19.5 HOURS A WEEK AT MY FUCKING PARTIAL PROGRAM? ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME GO FUCKING CRAZIER THAN I AM, BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING WORKING, YOU DICKWAD.  Jesus.  When the fuck am I going to get to eat?  I fucking give up on this shit.  It's just too fucking much.  Well, sorry, Sabrina, but I'm not coming in at 4 on Friday.  You can kiss my ass, 'cause I'll be there when I fucking get there.  How about I come in when I TOLD YOU I was available, hmm?  Yeah.  Today I woke up and my mom was at a craft show this morning.  When she got back we were supposed to go to the pharmacy to get my meds because I got a new insurance letter from my worker and then to the post office to mail Kelly's package.  My friend Alicia from work called me and asked if I wanted to go to the mall with her.  So I called my mom and told her I'd leave all the stuff to be mailed and my insurance stuff for the pharmacy so she could do it for me while I'm gone.  I showered and told Alicia I was ready and she said she was waiting for her dad to come home and she would call when she's on her way.  My mom came home and about an hour passed and I still hadn't heard from Alicia and then another half an hour later she called and said we couldn't go because her dad wasn't home.  Okay, so then I could do errands with my mom.  We went to the pharmacy and I explained that I was there last weekend and I have what they told me to bring.  I gave them the insurance letter and then waited.  They told me it was rejected because it's not my primary insurance.  IT IS MY FUCKING PRIMARY INSURANCE! WHO THE FUCK ELSE AM I COVERED BY? NO ONE! JESUS FUCKING CHRISTMAS. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, MAKE UP AN IMAGINARY INSURANCE? I NEED MY MOTHERFUCKING MEDICATION, YOU FUCKING TWIT.  GOT FORBID I TOOK INSULIN OR SOMETHING THAT I NEEDED RIGHT AWAY BECAUSE I WOULD FUCKING SUE YOUR ASS.  I'm so fucking pissed, I'm so fucking stressed out and fucking anxious all the time and I can't fucking take this shit.  Nothing is going right and I'm so exhausted and I want to fucking scream because this is all fucking bullshit.  At least I mailed Kelly's package without a problem.  Now I'm going to be home and bored all day because it's nasty outside and I have so much to do but I really don't feel like doing shit.  But I have to.  I fucking quit.

Busy and struggling

I apologize for the lack of blogging.  I've been really busy and there's a lot to tell, but I'm not going into major detail for the most part simply because I'm tired and lazy and there's just too much.

I started the partial program on Monday and it sucks.  Everyone there is either mentally retarded or extremely psycho.  One woman spent ten minutes trying to convince me she's not a paranoid schizophrenic.  Yeah.  I hate it there.  It's just groups all day and lunch.  There are more than thirty people there and it's so small and horrible.  I only have to go Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays because I'm a good con artist.  On Wednesday I came an hour and a half late because they didn't pick me up so I had to call and have them come, and then I only stayed for two hours because I got really anxious and just needed to get out of there.  It's so horrible.  They're a bunch of low-functioning depressed and whatever else older people.  Not like, old, but I'm by far the youngest of all 30+ of them.  I'd rather be in the adolescent partial, and that's saying something.  I was supposed to go today but they didn't pick me up again and I stayed home.  Because, you know, I was just chomping at the bit to go there for six and a half hours *rolls eyes*.

I've been making videos and putting them on YouTube.  They're about an old woman named Ethel and all the crazy stuff she says and does.  Everything is done by me of course.  I do the voices, all the effects and music, and draw all the scenes (poorly) on Paint.  I started making them because of a tech named Joy in the hospital.  I made the Ethel character about a year ago when I was at the same program and Joy always thought it was funny.  When I came back this time she asked me how Ethel was, and I totally forgot about Ethel, but we started talking in Ethel voices again.  Yeah, I probably sound crazy right now, but if you knew me in real life then you'd be used to it.  If anyone's interested, the link to my YouTube channel is here.

I've been doing pretty bad on my meal plan.  Yesterday was particularly horrible.  I had six of my twelve required starches, two out of four proteins, four out of five fruits, three out of six fats, two out of three milks, all my veggies, and only one out of three Ensures.  Of course I calculated this, and the percent of my meal plan completed for yesterday was 57.1%.  So far today I've had six out of eight carbs, three out of four fruits,  one out of two milks, two out of four proteins, one out of four fats.  Total percentage so far: 59%.  So today is going better so far at least.  They weighed me at partial the other day and I haven't gained or lost so there are no red flags yet.  I knew skipping a few exchanges wouldn't hurt me.  Ollie's got me on 3150 calories and there's just no way.  I emailed her a million times about my meal plan but haven't heard from her yet.  It's not an emergency anyway.

I started work last night.  I only worked four hours and I did tags the whole time, which was new to me but it was fun and easy and the time flew by.  I'm working again tonight from 5-9 and Sabrina called me to put me on the schedule for this week.

And even though the battle was won, I feel like we lost it.

I already don't care

I spent last night crying myself to sleep.  I'm really struggling mentally.  Sometimes I feel like I'll be sick forever.  I do fine when I go into treatment but when I come back here I feel like shit again.  I have nowhere else to go and I have to deal with it but it's so hard and I feel so alone.  I hope I feel better when I start getting therapy.  I hope I have a nice therapist and psychiatrist.  I can't stand feeling like this.  I need the rest of my medication too.

I felt like shit most of today.  I woke up around 9 and got up to smoke my morning cigarette.  I instantly felt nauseated when I stood up out of bed.  My whole body was shaking like crazy.  I rushed my cigarette and stumbled into the bathroom and lifted up the toilet seat.  I felt my stomach turn like I was going to be sick, but nothing came up so I slowly lied down on the floor and focused on my breathing.  My mom knocked on the door and asked if I was okay.  I told her I didn't feel good and she came in.  She said I shouldn't eat breakfast if I feel sick.  Great advice, Mom.  I got up and asked her to put my breakfast together for me.  I knew she wouldn't bother to carefully measure the amount of peanut butter on my toast or the amount of cereal, but I didn't care.  I walked back into the living room and crawled back into bed for five minutes while my mom prepared my two slices of peanut butter toast, banana, 2 servings of Fruity Pebbles and orange juice.  She brought it to the table and I walked over to eat.  I really didn't feel like eating.  I wanted to go back to bed.  I ate it anyway, go me.  I sat after breakfast for a while and I was still really shaky but I felt a tad less nauseous.  I crawled back in my bed again and worked on Kelly's scarf.  I pretty much played Guitar Hero and went on Facebook all day.  I had lunch around 2:15 - peanut butter and jelly, yogurt, grape juice and a fruit cup.  I was short two carbs.  I didn't care.  I had an Ensure after breakfast and didn't want to have any more.  Before dinner I went running.  Totally illegal for me right now, but I don't care about that either.  It's not going to kill me and I doubt a ten minute jog will make me lose any weight.  I didn't even run the whole time because I have exercise-induced asthma and I can't breathe if I go for more than a minute if it's just jogging.  Plus my inhaler is empty because my mom took it and used whatever was left in there for herself and then lost it.  Good job.  Anyway, I came home and hopped in the shower.  I really wonder, does your hair fall out even more with re-feeding?  I always notice that it comes out in even bigger clumps when I re-feed than when I'm starving myself.  It's very annoying.  After my shower I fixed myself some leftover bow-tie lasagna from Friday night, two servings of peas, 8 oz of milk and a bagel with cream cheese.  I got all my exchanges, provided I put enough lasagna on my plate to count for two carb exchanges, which I'm pretty sure I did.  I would have to have 1 cup, which I'm pretty sure I did.  If not, who cares.  Not gonna kill me.  After dinner I played Guitar Hero and then called Erica because I haven't talked to her in a while.  I called Kelly and talked to her for about five minutes and then called the patient phone at the hospital at 10:30 but no one could talk.  My older brother came home from his friend's house and we chatted for a little bit.  I played Guitar Hero some more and had my last cigarette for the night.  I stopped shaking finally.  Maybe because I've been carrying a 64oz bottle of Gatorade around and chugging it all day.  I'm going to bed soon.

Tomorrow I'm being picked up at 9 by a transportation service to be taken to my intake appointment at the outpatient place I'm going to.  I hope everything works out and I can just go once or twice a week to just see a therapist and not have to do the actual partial program.  We'll see.

Downfalls

Today started out well.  I woke up before eight this morning and made french toast for breakfast.  So my breakfast was 2 slices of french toast, peanut butter on a slice of white bread, 8 oz of milk and a fruit cup.  My mom took me to the DMV in hopes to get my driver's permit.  I got there and filled out the paperwork and paid ten dollars and the woman told me to go down some hallway to take the knowledge test.  When I got there the man there told me they weren't giving the test out for the rest of the day because there were too many people already waiting to take the test so I should come back on Tuesday.  What a waste of time.  We went to the pharmacy to drop off my prescriptions and then to my work to go grocery shopping.  We bought a lot of stuff, including more Ensure, grape and orange juice, Gatorade and lettuce so I can easily do vegetable exchanges.  We left the grocery store and went home to clean out the fridge so we could fit the groceries in there.  I found some old magazines in a box in the kitchen so I took them to my bed and made a little collaged postcard to send to people who are in the hospital still.  Then we went back to the pharmacy to pick up my meds.  On the way there my mom really pissed me off.  So first she kept asking me my weight and at first I said I don't know.  Then I finally told her and she said, "Good, you weigh more than me now" and I was like, "Um, can we not compare ourselves?" and she said, "I'm not comparing, I'm just telling you how good it is to know that you weigh more than I do."  You're a great help, Mom.  So we get to the pharmacy and apparently my insurance didn't go through and they couldn't except my emergency insurance letter since I don't have my card yet still, so the only other option was to pay in cash.  My Invega (antipsychotic for bipolar disorder) was something like $539, the Lithium was $39.06, the Protonix (for my stomach) was something around $109 and the Reglan (also for stomach) was $11.99.  I called my mom into the store and she agreed to pay for the Lithium since we figured I would need that the most.  They said if I get proof of insurance within the next 14 days then my mom can be reimbursed.  We left and went to Rita's (they sell water ice and custard and stuff of the like) so I could get my little brother a shake and I could get a kid's sized water ice for my snack carb exchange.  I spent the rest of my money and we went home.  My mom was making dinner because her boyfriend was supposed to come over.  Pork chops and baked potatoes.  She didn't even cook a vegetable, so I had to crack open a can of peas and heat it up.  For dinner I had a pork chop, a small baked potato, 8oz of milk, 8oz of grape juice and a salad with dressing.  I was short three carbs and I haven't even had my last two supplements for the day and I'm not going to because it's already one in the morning and I'm about to go to bed.  I emailed Ollie and told her about my day and how I'm also having horrible body image and I look like I weigh 130 or something.  Distended stomachs are not attractive and I can't get my stomach pills for God knows how long.  I played Guitar Hero 3 with my little brother for the rest of the night in between going out in the kitchen for smoke breaks and making phone calls.  My mom has been drunk since around 6pm (but she's sleeping now) and driving me crazy.  I can't stand it when she's drunk.  She gets drunk earlier on the weekends because she starts drinking so early.  6pm might not sound bad but that's because she only drinks beer now so it takes longer but she has about 10-12 beers a day I'd say.  She gets drunk every night pretty much and I hate it.  I'm stressed out already.  Why did I come back here?

It's time to start living

I was discharged today from the hospital.  I haven't been blogging much because I felt like people were constantly over my back watching my posts so it was a bit uncomfortable, but now that I'm home I will be regularly blogging again.

Being home feels almost unreal.  I feel like I need to be doing something when I actually should probably just be relaxing since I just got back from the hospital.  My mom is going to cook dinner and I'm going to try my best to fit my exchanges in.  I have an appointment on Monday at the outpatient place I'm supposed to go to.  They provide transportation if I'm to do the partial program.  The thing is, the therapist at the hospital doesn't want me to do the partial program, which is Mon-Fri from 9 in the morning to 3:30 in the afternoon, because it's a general psych place and she said she doesn't want me around a bunch of "loonies."  So the plan is I'm going to go for the intake and then tell them that I just want an outpatient therapist and psychiatrist that I can see once or twice a week.  If that happens, they won't provide transportation and my mom will have to drive me and it will have to be in the evening in which case I will have to work mornings on the days I have therapy and walk to work on those days.  It will be a struggle.  But I'd rather do that than have five days a week going to the partial program and then come home for an hour and spend the night at work.  I will be completely exhausted if I have to do that.  I'll do what I have to do though.  God, it feels so weird being home.  I can't get over it.  It's not like I was in the hospital for three and a half months like the last time I was at that program; I was there just short of three weeks, although it felt like much longer.

Tomorrow my mom is taking me grocery shopping.  I have to buy things that can fit my exchanges as well as supplements.  I'm not going to buy Ensures if I don't have to - I plan on buying Clif bars instead (1.5 Clif bars = 1 Ensure Plus).  I'm also going to get my paycheck.  Then we're going to the DMV so I can get my driver's permit finally.  That should be exciting.  I need to go to the bank to put money in there since I finally cancelled the recurring charge on my check card.  I will also need to eventually go to the post office when I finish knitting Kelly's scarf so I can get a bag to mail it to her in the hospital.  I can't wait to go back to work.  I feel like I'm going to be able to do much better.  I need to get my immunizations from my social worker so I can finish applying to college in the fall.  Since I'm going to be a dietitian, I already planned with Ollie, the dietitian from the hospital, that I'm going to be her intern when the time comes and eventually take her place at the hospital if I do well with my recovery so that I can be there and do what I want with my profession and work with the eating disordered patients.  I really want my life to turn around.  I'm tired of being stuck in this mess.  It's time to live.