So lately things have been good kind of, but at the same time I'm worried. Thanks to getting to know myself more, I know that when I constantly feel the need to be out of the house, something is wrong. There's nothing really going on that's bad at my house at the moment, but I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. I've been thinking probably a little too much lately and it's not good for me. A few nights ago I was watching something on TV about Nostradamus and 2012 and I felt overwhelmed with fear and got into a state of mind that's no good. That kind of stuff sort of triggers bipolar episodes for me. I'm fearing that I'm on the verge of some kind of pre-manic episode. I'm showing early signs of it and I'm not sure how to stop it and don't want to end up in a psych ward. For instance, feeling very bubbly for no good reason, doing reckless things like smoking pot and spending money that I don't have (and that's not mine) on things I don't need, just because. The one thing I have a problem with is I'm very easily influenced. By talking to people, by seeing things, by being around certain individuals. Everything other people do just seems like a good idea (except for the obvious, like killing people or stealing, etc.). I've come to find that I don't really have my own opinions about things because I'm so concerned with other people disagreeing with them. I have some opinions, but anything controversial is off limits for me because I guess I just don't know enough about anything to have my own opinion. And maybe it's scary for me to learn about them enough to develop my own opinion. It's a personal flaw that I really wish to work on, but don't really know how. And if I ask for help from someone, that's advice that will be given to me that can differ from anyone else's advice. I know I really shouldn't give a shit about what other people think, and I try not to, but in reality I really do care. And I wish I didn't. There are periods in my life that I think about myself and how I am as a person and all the things I like about me aren't real. I can't stay the same for very long, I just don't. My thinking constantly changes, my "opinions" constantly change, I change. And then I think, well, change is good and necessary. But on the other hand, I'm not changing what I really think because I don't think I really think much of anything that's my own personal thought. This scares me. I feel like I don't have a real personality. I mean, in some aspects I do, but mostly it's always been influenced by other people and just happened to be the few things that didn't change about me. Maybe I'm supposed to rapidly change like this. I'm still only 19 years young. Maybe once I'm older I'll be able to develop my own ways of thinking. The problem is lately I'm just so scared of everything. I'm sure I'm not alone in wanting everything to work out picture perfectly, as unrealistic as that may be. I try to find ways for everything to work out. I don't want to hurt anyone or myself in the process of simply living my life. I find that when I'm in this kind of mindset, which last for at least a week or so, my whole surroundings look different and feel different and there are different emotions attached. I'm not sure if it's the bipolar. I don't know what to think, of course. I feel so fake and I hate it. I have to deal with the fact that never is everyone going to agree with me if I say something or do something that I personally feel is right. Is it normal to think and feel this way every couple of months?
This is what being sick prevented me from doing. It made me so numb that I didn't have to think because I couldn't. All I cared about was being sick. I don't want to be sick again but this is all so scary. I feel like I need to be held and comforted. That's probably why I've been hanging around my ex lately. Even though we're not together anymore (and even though he wants to be and I said no), we still have feelings for each other and care about each other and I feel safe when I'm with him. I go through this phases where I try to find comfort in something or everything because it makes me feel better without really addressing whatever is wrong. I have so many defense and escape mechanisms, but I really do ultimately want to just work on things and be happy.
