So here's how my day went: I woke up and had to go to work with my mom because I had an appointment with the clinician around the corner from my mom's building (in the same building all my other appointments are in). We got there and I slept in her car until it was time to take me to my appointment. When I got to see the APN, Victoria, she reviewed my labwork that I'd gotten last week. Apparently I have hypothyroidism so she prescribed me something for it, as well as an acne cream and birth control to regulate my hormonal imbalance. I left and went back to my mom's work, but slept in her car for a few more hours until it was time to go home.
On the ride home my phone rang. It was the hospital. They want me to come in tomorrow morning to be admitted. That was such a huge relief to finally get the call. We got home and I took yet another nap (Victoria said that the hypothyroidism is what could be causing me to be sleepy all the time) before going to get my meds at the pharmacy and stopping by work to get my disability papers and my last pack of cigarettes. I'm quitting smoking since I won't be able to smoke there at all anyway, so I think it's the perfect opportunity. Anyway, we got all that done and I said goodbye to Jen, who was working tonight, and gave her the address to the hospital and told her I would call her and tell her when visiting hours are.
I got home and ate some ice pops. All I ate today was 4 ice pops, a popsicle and some pickles. I hung out with my mom for a bit, took a shower, and waited for her to go to bed so I could go on the computer. Now it's about 1am and I'm getting ready for bed early since I have to wake up early. I probably won't fall asleep for a few hours anyway, but it's worth a shot.
This will be my last update until I return from treatment, at which point I will be in recovery and there will be no more weigh-ins or anything of that sort. I'm going to try to develop a healthy relationship with food and eat healthily when I return. I pray that this works for me and that it is the last time I have to be hospitalized. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
Oh, the Anticipation...
I couldn't really sleep last night. I have this thing I do, that I'm guessing is from anxiety, where I feel tight pinches (that's the best way I can describe it) in my joints and shoulders, neck, arms, etc. and they get so tight that I have to clamp up my arms and legs and neck to make it feel better. I've had this problem off and on for about six years or so, and no one knows what it is. But I just guess that it's anxiety. Anyway, this woke me up again last night, and the worst part is, is that there's no way that I know of to make it go away. So I didn't sleep well until later when I slept during the day (so grateful that I'm able to do that, otherwise I'd be more of a zombie than I already am).
I woke up and weighed in. I lost another pound. The sick part of me feels like this still isn't good enough. I waited anxiously all day for a call from the hospital, but to no avail. I'm praying they call me tomorrow. I have to go to work today to pick up disability papers, but I'm scared everyone will be like, Why aren't you here if you're home? and get upset. So I'm thinking about sending my mom in instead. But then if they ask her questions I'm scared she's gonna tell them that I am still home and not in the hospital. My co-worker texted me last night, because I posted a picture on Facebook, saying, "You're home?" and I had to explain to her what the situation was. I'm going to die if I'm not in the hospital this week because I told work not to put me on the schedule for the week since I was sure I was going this week. This all just creates more anxiety for me and my body cannot take it in its fragile state. I just wish the freaking hospital would call already. I have to go to work with my mom tomorrow because our house is being bombed because we have a pest problem, ew. I really want them to call me tomorrow but I will feel weird taking such a personal call while I'm at work with my mom.
Anyway, we have to do laundry tonight and finish cleaning and covering things for the bombing tomorrow so I will be busy all night. I was thinking about just cleaning my whole room and reorganizing, but I don't know where to start and it's such a small space and a lot of stuff.
May or may not post later.
I woke up and weighed in. I lost another pound. The sick part of me feels like this still isn't good enough. I waited anxiously all day for a call from the hospital, but to no avail. I'm praying they call me tomorrow. I have to go to work today to pick up disability papers, but I'm scared everyone will be like, Why aren't you here if you're home? and get upset. So I'm thinking about sending my mom in instead. But then if they ask her questions I'm scared she's gonna tell them that I am still home and not in the hospital. My co-worker texted me last night, because I posted a picture on Facebook, saying, "You're home?" and I had to explain to her what the situation was. I'm going to die if I'm not in the hospital this week because I told work not to put me on the schedule for the week since I was sure I was going this week. This all just creates more anxiety for me and my body cannot take it in its fragile state. I just wish the freaking hospital would call already. I have to go to work with my mom tomorrow because our house is being bombed because we have a pest problem, ew. I really want them to call me tomorrow but I will feel weird taking such a personal call while I'm at work with my mom.
Anyway, we have to do laundry tonight and finish cleaning and covering things for the bombing tomorrow so I will be busy all night. I was thinking about just cleaning my whole room and reorganizing, but I don't know where to start and it's such a small space and a lot of stuff.
May or may not post later.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
What a Good Day
Today was a pretty good day. I lost a pound from yesterday and I felt good. This morning my mom and I went for a walk to the corner store. It was about a twenty minute walk both ways. Anyway, the morning breeze was nice, although I wish I'd brought a sweater. I never do things like that with my mom, but she promised me she would. She's supposed to do cardio exercises for her high blood pressure issue. I know she probably won't start walking with me, especially because it's getting colder out and she's a person who can't stand it if it's under 85 degrees outside.
I got back to the apartment and got ready and then took a nap before my sister arrived to pick me up. We went to the bowling alley/arcade that we went to last time I saw her. My niece and nephew were there as well. We got there and played in the arcade for a while, and then my brother-in-law, Joe, showed up. So then we decided we would bowl for a while. They ordered food but I just had a diet soda. I know it upset my sister. We bowled two games and left. It was fun.
Joe and Joey (my nephew) left and Jess (my niece), my sister and I went to Walmart because she had to pick up a few things. I got a new belt, a new wallet and a bandanna for my friend. We went to a couple of other places and then she took me home.
I took a nap when I got home and then we went to the liquor store for my mom and I bought another pack of cigarettes (I'd bought one at the corner store this morning). Then I took another nap, woke up, took another nap, woke up around midnight and have been up since.
So today was a pretty good day. Tomorrow we're running a few errands and doing laundry and cleaning, and I'm also going to work to get my disability papers. I'm anxious for Monday because I'm hoping to get that call from the hospital telling me when I can come in. I'm still worried maybe they don't think I'm sick enough and that I'll not be able to go.
I got back to the apartment and got ready and then took a nap before my sister arrived to pick me up. We went to the bowling alley/arcade that we went to last time I saw her. My niece and nephew were there as well. We got there and played in the arcade for a while, and then my brother-in-law, Joe, showed up. So then we decided we would bowl for a while. They ordered food but I just had a diet soda. I know it upset my sister. We bowled two games and left. It was fun.
Joe and Joey (my nephew) left and Jess (my niece), my sister and I went to Walmart because she had to pick up a few things. I got a new belt, a new wallet and a bandanna for my friend. We went to a couple of other places and then she took me home.
I took a nap when I got home and then we went to the liquor store for my mom and I bought another pack of cigarettes (I'd bought one at the corner store this morning). Then I took another nap, woke up, took another nap, woke up around midnight and have been up since.
So today was a pretty good day. Tomorrow we're running a few errands and doing laundry and cleaning, and I'm also going to work to get my disability papers. I'm anxious for Monday because I'm hoping to get that call from the hospital telling me when I can come in. I'm still worried maybe they don't think I'm sick enough and that I'll not be able to go.
Friday, September 14, 2012
The Story
So here's the story.
I went to my appointment yesterday and the doctor was already looking for me before I even got there and sat down. I went in to see her and she started off by telling me my labs weren't very good. I had a few things that have to do with my kidneys, low, and my glucose was in the lower range, and my Lithium level was high but not toxic. She said she was going to commit me but she decided I should admit myself willingly. So she called the hospital's admissions office and left a message. I told her last time I went to that hospital I went through the ER and got transferred. So she arranged for someone to drive me to the ER.
I got to the emergency room after I made a bunch of texts and phone calls to my mom, my boyfriend, my sister, etc. I went back and told them why I was there and they did normal medical clearing stuff. Then they transferred me to another room on what I figured out was their little psych unit. Someone from another mental health organization came to see me after a couple of hours and asked me a bunch of questions pertaining to my eating disorder, and also their standard "do you feel like hurting yourself or anyone else" questions. Then a psychiatrist came to see me and he asked me a bunch of pretty much the same questions. They were waiting to get my labwork back to see if I was cleared to go to the EDU. The results came back and I was cleared. Nothing is severely wrong with me, except the same things that were wrong with me before, like my BUN is pretty low, my creatnine was borderline low but it was low on the other blood test, I have 40mg of ketones in my urine and 30mg of protein, and there were two other things but I don't have any clue what they are or how to pronounce them. Anyway, they couldn't transfer me because admissions was closed at that point (it was about 8pm), so they sent me home with paperwork and told me to call the hospital in the morning.
My mom picked me up from the hospital (after getting lost and frustrated because she went to the old location) and I called work on the way home to see if they'd already found someone to cover my shift for today and to tell them that I could come in. Well Jen already agreed to cover my shift so I had to call her. I texted her to call me when she got a chance. She did and I explained to her what was going on. She said she had to call Jim (the manager) and find out what he wanted to do, after she called Wendy (the one who does my schedule and the front end manager). She called me back and said that Jim told her it was between us what we wanted to do. We talked about it and she said it was up to me but she didn't mind covering and whatnot. We decided I would just take off now until I come back from the hospital. She told me to make sure to call Wendy in the morning to tell her not to put me on the schedule for next week.
I woke up this morning and did my usual routine before calling the admissions office at the hospital. No one answered so I left a message saying that I am looking to be admitted to the EDU and my name and number to call me back. I went back to bed until 10:30 because that's when Wendy got into work. I called her and told her not to put me on the schedule because I'm probably going next week. She said, "Good, you're so pale, we're all worried about you." She put me through to Sabrina who takes care of all the union stuff and whatnot, so that she could set aside some disability forms for me. She said the same things Wendy did, except she doesn't really know how pale I am because I almost never see her. I hung up and went back to bed.
About two hours later, the woman from admissions called me back. She had a bunch of questions to ask and I had to explain to her pretty much the depths of my eating disorder I guess you would say, and she said she would give the information to the treatment team on the unit to review and that I would get a call back in a few days. I'm kind of annoyed that it's the weekend and I know I won't get a call back until at least Monday. I was a little nervous on the phone with her, and I guess it's the sick part of me that thinks I didn't come off as sick enough to her. Now I'm scared I won't be admitted, or that I'll have to wait weeks before I go because there are other people who are sicker than I am and they need the bed more than I do. There are so many thoughts rushing through my head and I'm so worried that I made a fool out of myself by calling. Sigh. I just want something to happen. Now my mind is set on going and I already went through the whole thing with work and I just feel so crazy with all of this.
I went to my appointment yesterday and the doctor was already looking for me before I even got there and sat down. I went in to see her and she started off by telling me my labs weren't very good. I had a few things that have to do with my kidneys, low, and my glucose was in the lower range, and my Lithium level was high but not toxic. She said she was going to commit me but she decided I should admit myself willingly. So she called the hospital's admissions office and left a message. I told her last time I went to that hospital I went through the ER and got transferred. So she arranged for someone to drive me to the ER.
I got to the emergency room after I made a bunch of texts and phone calls to my mom, my boyfriend, my sister, etc. I went back and told them why I was there and they did normal medical clearing stuff. Then they transferred me to another room on what I figured out was their little psych unit. Someone from another mental health organization came to see me after a couple of hours and asked me a bunch of questions pertaining to my eating disorder, and also their standard "do you feel like hurting yourself or anyone else" questions. Then a psychiatrist came to see me and he asked me a bunch of pretty much the same questions. They were waiting to get my labwork back to see if I was cleared to go to the EDU. The results came back and I was cleared. Nothing is severely wrong with me, except the same things that were wrong with me before, like my BUN is pretty low, my creatnine was borderline low but it was low on the other blood test, I have 40mg of ketones in my urine and 30mg of protein, and there were two other things but I don't have any clue what they are or how to pronounce them. Anyway, they couldn't transfer me because admissions was closed at that point (it was about 8pm), so they sent me home with paperwork and told me to call the hospital in the morning.
My mom picked me up from the hospital (after getting lost and frustrated because she went to the old location) and I called work on the way home to see if they'd already found someone to cover my shift for today and to tell them that I could come in. Well Jen already agreed to cover my shift so I had to call her. I texted her to call me when she got a chance. She did and I explained to her what was going on. She said she had to call Jim (the manager) and find out what he wanted to do, after she called Wendy (the one who does my schedule and the front end manager). She called me back and said that Jim told her it was between us what we wanted to do. We talked about it and she said it was up to me but she didn't mind covering and whatnot. We decided I would just take off now until I come back from the hospital. She told me to make sure to call Wendy in the morning to tell her not to put me on the schedule for next week.
I woke up this morning and did my usual routine before calling the admissions office at the hospital. No one answered so I left a message saying that I am looking to be admitted to the EDU and my name and number to call me back. I went back to bed until 10:30 because that's when Wendy got into work. I called her and told her not to put me on the schedule because I'm probably going next week. She said, "Good, you're so pale, we're all worried about you." She put me through to Sabrina who takes care of all the union stuff and whatnot, so that she could set aside some disability forms for me. She said the same things Wendy did, except she doesn't really know how pale I am because I almost never see her. I hung up and went back to bed.
About two hours later, the woman from admissions called me back. She had a bunch of questions to ask and I had to explain to her pretty much the depths of my eating disorder I guess you would say, and she said she would give the information to the treatment team on the unit to review and that I would get a call back in a few days. I'm kind of annoyed that it's the weekend and I know I won't get a call back until at least Monday. I was a little nervous on the phone with her, and I guess it's the sick part of me that thinks I didn't come off as sick enough to her. Now I'm scared I won't be admitted, or that I'll have to wait weeks before I go because there are other people who are sicker than I am and they need the bed more than I do. There are so many thoughts rushing through my head and I'm so worried that I made a fool out of myself by calling. Sigh. I just want something to happen. Now my mind is set on going and I already went through the whole thing with work and I just feel so crazy with all of this.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Whatever Happens, Happens
I was happy to have lost two pounds this morning from yesterday. I know I'll probably just maintain it tomorrow, but I guess I can't ask for much.
I had my maybe last day of work tonight. It went pretty well, as it usually does when I work with Ms. Gaye. It's funny though because I always end up doing all the office work and she works the desk in between her walks around the store and sitting at the registers looking at magazines. Either way, it's always a relaxed shift and I'm grateful for it if it is in fact my last one until I come back, if I go.
I bought my own shampoo and conditioner, and I also bought laundry detergent (you don't have to bring your own but I wanted to because I can). I'm all packed except for the last bit of my toiletries that I'll need in the morning. Tomorrow my social worker is coming to see me before I go to my appointment. She's really upset that I might be going back to the hospital. She's been through this with me so many times before, and after I had 14 months of recovery before this relapse, she had hope that my last hospitalization was in fact my last. I had hopes for that too, and I'm ashamed that I let her down. I'm ashamed to say that this will be my eleventh hospitalization in 9 years. I hate it. If I had that taped on my back people would think I'm a lunatic. Sigh.
Anyway, I'm ready for whatever happens. I think I might be committed because I know my labs are probably fucked up, but if I'm not then so be it. Whatever happens, happens. If you don't see any updates from me for a while, you know what's going on.
I had my maybe last day of work tonight. It went pretty well, as it usually does when I work with Ms. Gaye. It's funny though because I always end up doing all the office work and she works the desk in between her walks around the store and sitting at the registers looking at magazines. Either way, it's always a relaxed shift and I'm grateful for it if it is in fact my last one until I come back, if I go.
I bought my own shampoo and conditioner, and I also bought laundry detergent (you don't have to bring your own but I wanted to because I can). I'm all packed except for the last bit of my toiletries that I'll need in the morning. Tomorrow my social worker is coming to see me before I go to my appointment. She's really upset that I might be going back to the hospital. She's been through this with me so many times before, and after I had 14 months of recovery before this relapse, she had hope that my last hospitalization was in fact my last. I had hopes for that too, and I'm ashamed that I let her down. I'm ashamed to say that this will be my eleventh hospitalization in 9 years. I hate it. If I had that taped on my back people would think I'm a lunatic. Sigh.
Anyway, I'm ready for whatever happens. I think I might be committed because I know my labs are probably fucked up, but if I'm not then so be it. Whatever happens, happens. If you don't see any updates from me for a while, you know what's going on.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Just Wait and See
Ugh, so I went to get labwork yesterday morning. It seems like so long ago. First my mom went the wrong way because I thought she had to go that way, but she knew exactly where we were going and went the wrong way anyway. Anyway, I got there at 7:30 and my mom said she would go drop off my little brother at school and come back. There were a lot of people in there and I was a walk-in which meant I had to wait. Twenty minutes. They called me and I gave them my insurance card and scripts. They had to do all this extra stuff because I had two different scripts from two different doctors. That took another twenty minutes. Then I had to pee in a cup and wait in line to get the actual blood drawn. I went in and the lady had a look at my paperwork and spent twenty-five minutes going back and forth to the front desk because something was wrong with the paperwork apparently. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there waiting and glancing back and forth at the clock, which tells me it's already 8:30. She finally came back and said we could start, after I had to wait an additional 5 minutes for her to put everything in the computer. I had to get 6 tubes of blood drawn. It took her a while to find my vein (which has something to do with being malnourished, I think) but she finally got it, took the blood and I left. I went out to the parking lot where I expected a pissed off Mom. I didn't see her car there so I thought she left me there which made me panic because I'd left my phone in her car. Luckily I finally saw her behind a big pick-up truck. She was pissed. She brought me home and I went back to sleep.
I got ready for work hours later. I had to close the store. I was anxious as I always am about closing the store. It was fine though. Rick and Shannon gave me a ride home.
Today I woke up and weighed in. I maintained. I'm a little upset because if I'm going to be committed to the hospital I at least want to weigh at least a little less because I feel so embarrassed going to the hospital when I'm still just over a three-digit weight. Granted, I have an anorectic BMI, but the number on the scale matters more to me. I figure I can lose at least one more pound before Thursday, which won't make me any happier but it's better than nothing. I just feel like I'm going to be laughed at. But on the other hand they'll know that I was committed so it's not like I thought that I needed to be there at this weight.
I can't stand this anticipation. Every thought I have is about food and my weight and every dream I have has something to do with going back inpatient. I really wish I knew what was going to happen. Since I don't, I'm preparing to go inpatient. Tomorrow night I'm going to pack a duffel bag of clothes, toiletries, etc. for the hospital. That way it will be all ready to go, and if I go to my appointment on Thursday and she does send me right from there, I can just tell my mom to drive up my stuff (which won't happen for a few days after I get there because my mom won't want to drive all the way up there). I'm really worried about work though. I mean, my manager said it was fine so long as I have a doctor's note, and he said it could say until further notice, but he doesn't know that I have an eating disorder and that's why I'm going there. The only person that knows what's going on is Jen. And I don't want him to freak out when I'm gone for two weeks and ask her because then I don't know if she'll feel comfortable telling him and I don't want her to be in an awkward position like that. So I dunno. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens.
I got ready for work hours later. I had to close the store. I was anxious as I always am about closing the store. It was fine though. Rick and Shannon gave me a ride home.
Today I woke up and weighed in. I maintained. I'm a little upset because if I'm going to be committed to the hospital I at least want to weigh at least a little less because I feel so embarrassed going to the hospital when I'm still just over a three-digit weight. Granted, I have an anorectic BMI, but the number on the scale matters more to me. I figure I can lose at least one more pound before Thursday, which won't make me any happier but it's better than nothing. I just feel like I'm going to be laughed at. But on the other hand they'll know that I was committed so it's not like I thought that I needed to be there at this weight.
I can't stand this anticipation. Every thought I have is about food and my weight and every dream I have has something to do with going back inpatient. I really wish I knew what was going to happen. Since I don't, I'm preparing to go inpatient. Tomorrow night I'm going to pack a duffel bag of clothes, toiletries, etc. for the hospital. That way it will be all ready to go, and if I go to my appointment on Thursday and she does send me right from there, I can just tell my mom to drive up my stuff (which won't happen for a few days after I get there because my mom won't want to drive all the way up there). I'm really worried about work though. I mean, my manager said it was fine so long as I have a doctor's note, and he said it could say until further notice, but he doesn't know that I have an eating disorder and that's why I'm going there. The only person that knows what's going on is Jen. And I don't want him to freak out when I'm gone for two weeks and ask her because then I don't know if she'll feel comfortable telling him and I don't want her to be in an awkward position like that. So I dunno. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Disconnected
Today was a boring day, and I felt so disconnected with reality the whole day. I woke up around 9:30 and we went to do laundry around 10/10:30. I was very tired. Then we went to get cigarettes over the bridge (in Pennsylvania). When we got home I put my clean laundry away and took a nap until I had to get ready for work at 4. Work was boring. I was on register all night. Nothing really exciting happened. I bought some french nail kit and went home. My boyfriend didn't want to talk to me tonight because he wanted to watch the football game with his dad so that was kind of good actually because I didn't feel like talking to him either. I did my nails and went on the computer and here I am.
Tomorrow morning I am going to get my labwork done. This whole situation is making me really anxious. It's literally all I think about all the time, all I dream about, etc. I can't get it out of my head. Part of me just wants Thursday to come so it will all be over and I can breathe again, unless of course I go inpatient, but that's not something I haven't done 10 times before (literally). Part of me wants to go inpatient so I don't have to go to work and make a fool of myself and mess everything up and do horrible and beat myself up for it after. I'm closing the store three nights this week: two nights at the desk, which is the hard part, and one night as the closing cashier. I dread closing the store now because there's so much that has to be done and numbers and money and ugh. I want to do well at my job like I used to and be a good employee. I can only hope for that now.
I just want to live a normal life. But I know that will never happen because of all the shit that's wrong with me. I want to be like other people who can function without any problems and do normal 20-something stuff. Why was I dealt this hand?
Tomorrow morning I am going to get my labwork done. This whole situation is making me really anxious. It's literally all I think about all the time, all I dream about, etc. I can't get it out of my head. Part of me just wants Thursday to come so it will all be over and I can breathe again, unless of course I go inpatient, but that's not something I haven't done 10 times before (literally). Part of me wants to go inpatient so I don't have to go to work and make a fool of myself and mess everything up and do horrible and beat myself up for it after. I'm closing the store three nights this week: two nights at the desk, which is the hard part, and one night as the closing cashier. I dread closing the store now because there's so much that has to be done and numbers and money and ugh. I want to do well at my job like I used to and be a good employee. I can only hope for that now.
I just want to live a normal life. But I know that will never happen because of all the shit that's wrong with me. I want to be like other people who can function without any problems and do normal 20-something stuff. Why was I dealt this hand?
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Ranting and Complaining
So this is going to be somewhat of a rant/complaining post, which is probably (as I can see it in my head now) going to be all mixed up and not make sense (or maybe it will). I know I have no room to complain since I am doing this to myself, but I'm in such a position right now that I'm stuck in between really not wanting anything to change and wanted it to change a little, mixed in with the occasional feelings of wanting it to completely turn around. Having said all that, here goes...
First of all, I'm so freaking depressed, I can't take it anymore. I know this is because I'm not eating. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I can't fall asleep at night because 1) I drink too much caffeine during the day and at night before bed and 2) I'm overly anxious about random crap (i.e. - screwing up on helping a customer that I had like, two days ago and wondering if she's still mad) and the caffeine doesn't help the anxiety either. I'm so freaking irritable all the time. I feel horrible for my boyfriend who puts up with my attitude every night when we talk. I told him I don't want to talk to him all day anymore so we only talk for about 30 minutes on the phone every night when I get off work. Other than that I don't talk to him. I don't want to see him anymore because I don't feel like putting on a smile and having a good time with him, and aside from that I don't have a sex drive so I don't want to disappoint him when I tell him I'm not in the mood. TMI? Don't care, this is my blog. Anyway. I dread working every single day. I used to love work. I hate it now. I'd rather sit in my bed all night and feel depressed. I'm so irritable at work with the customers. I try my best to be nice and polite and welcoming to them, but I can no longer fake it and when I deal with the really ignorant ones I just want to scream. I have no energy to put in the effort I should, and not nearly even half as much energy as I should if I want to do the outstanding job I used to be able to do/the job everyone expects of me because that's what I've brought to the table for almost two years. I'm ashamed of my new-found work ethic, which is pretty much do minimal work, stand there, ignore customers. I mean, I feel like a fucking failure. I'm horrible. I do a horrible, horrible job and I beat myself up for it every day. That's why I just don't want to go. Not until I'm healthy, if and when that happens. Everyone avoids me at work now for the most part. Jen barely talks to me because I think the whole situation just makes her upset/mad/frustrated/whatever. On top of everything, I am seriously so dumbed down from lack of nutrients that I want to avoid people and avoid anything that requires thinking even a little bit because I know I will fuck it up and make a fool out of myself. I'm a brain-dead piece of shit. I hate myself. Anyway, that's why I can't stand going to work. Plus I'm so scared I'll pass out from standing all night. I haven't been eating more than 150 calories for the last three days, and the caffeine is starting to not matter. I drink more than 2 liters of diet soda a day and I guess my body is used to it now so it doesn't keep me awake anymore. I'm so achy all over all the time. Achy and tired. I hate everything that this has done to me but I have done this all to myself so I can't complain.
I'm constantly thinking about going inpatient now, since my psychiatrist has made the threat to commit me. I haven't gotten my labwork done today because I over slept and now I have to go Monday or Tuesday so that she can get the results by Thursday, hopefully. This is a dilemma because my mom would have to take me and she has to work and they close at 3 on Mondays and Tuesdays. She is thinking about taking Monday off anyway because she is having car troubles so she needs to get that fixed. Anyway, my doctor is checking my Lithium level and also my lipid panel, metabolic panel and I have to do a urinalysis, on top of all the bloodwork I have to get done for the APN. I know my Lithium level is at least slightly high because I have a tremor, but that could also just be low glucose, although I have been eating so I doubt the latter. So basically I know she'll commit me. I'm not even freaking trying, except tonight I ate when I wasn't even hungry. I'm kind of mad at myself for that though. And of course there's the constant fear of weight gain because I was stupid and weighed myself tonight and I weighed two pounds more than I did this morning. Chances are I'll have gained a pound. I'm hoping not but I know I won't lose a pound. I hate my body. Anyway, I'm preparing to go to the hospital. I'm already telling myself I won't have to work Thursday on because I'll be hospitalized then since that is when my appointment is, unless she doesn't send me right away for some reason. I still don't think I'm "sick enough" to go inpatient but whatever. And it's not going to work if I really don't want it, but that's the thing, I don't know what I want right now. I'm confused. If anything I wish there were a way to be healthy but stay at this weight, but I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too... heh. Anyway, I guess that's all I have to say for now.
First of all, I'm so freaking depressed, I can't take it anymore. I know this is because I'm not eating. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I can't fall asleep at night because 1) I drink too much caffeine during the day and at night before bed and 2) I'm overly anxious about random crap (i.e. - screwing up on helping a customer that I had like, two days ago and wondering if she's still mad) and the caffeine doesn't help the anxiety either. I'm so freaking irritable all the time. I feel horrible for my boyfriend who puts up with my attitude every night when we talk. I told him I don't want to talk to him all day anymore so we only talk for about 30 minutes on the phone every night when I get off work. Other than that I don't talk to him. I don't want to see him anymore because I don't feel like putting on a smile and having a good time with him, and aside from that I don't have a sex drive so I don't want to disappoint him when I tell him I'm not in the mood. TMI? Don't care, this is my blog. Anyway. I dread working every single day. I used to love work. I hate it now. I'd rather sit in my bed all night and feel depressed. I'm so irritable at work with the customers. I try my best to be nice and polite and welcoming to them, but I can no longer fake it and when I deal with the really ignorant ones I just want to scream. I have no energy to put in the effort I should, and not nearly even half as much energy as I should if I want to do the outstanding job I used to be able to do/the job everyone expects of me because that's what I've brought to the table for almost two years. I'm ashamed of my new-found work ethic, which is pretty much do minimal work, stand there, ignore customers. I mean, I feel like a fucking failure. I'm horrible. I do a horrible, horrible job and I beat myself up for it every day. That's why I just don't want to go. Not until I'm healthy, if and when that happens. Everyone avoids me at work now for the most part. Jen barely talks to me because I think the whole situation just makes her upset/mad/frustrated/whatever. On top of everything, I am seriously so dumbed down from lack of nutrients that I want to avoid people and avoid anything that requires thinking even a little bit because I know I will fuck it up and make a fool out of myself. I'm a brain-dead piece of shit. I hate myself. Anyway, that's why I can't stand going to work. Plus I'm so scared I'll pass out from standing all night. I haven't been eating more than 150 calories for the last three days, and the caffeine is starting to not matter. I drink more than 2 liters of diet soda a day and I guess my body is used to it now so it doesn't keep me awake anymore. I'm so achy all over all the time. Achy and tired. I hate everything that this has done to me but I have done this all to myself so I can't complain.
I'm constantly thinking about going inpatient now, since my psychiatrist has made the threat to commit me. I haven't gotten my labwork done today because I over slept and now I have to go Monday or Tuesday so that she can get the results by Thursday, hopefully. This is a dilemma because my mom would have to take me and she has to work and they close at 3 on Mondays and Tuesdays. She is thinking about taking Monday off anyway because she is having car troubles so she needs to get that fixed. Anyway, my doctor is checking my Lithium level and also my lipid panel, metabolic panel and I have to do a urinalysis, on top of all the bloodwork I have to get done for the APN. I know my Lithium level is at least slightly high because I have a tremor, but that could also just be low glucose, although I have been eating so I doubt the latter. So basically I know she'll commit me. I'm not even freaking trying, except tonight I ate when I wasn't even hungry. I'm kind of mad at myself for that though. And of course there's the constant fear of weight gain because I was stupid and weighed myself tonight and I weighed two pounds more than I did this morning. Chances are I'll have gained a pound. I'm hoping not but I know I won't lose a pound. I hate my body. Anyway, I'm preparing to go to the hospital. I'm already telling myself I won't have to work Thursday on because I'll be hospitalized then since that is when my appointment is, unless she doesn't send me right away for some reason. I still don't think I'm "sick enough" to go inpatient but whatever. And it's not going to work if I really don't want it, but that's the thing, I don't know what I want right now. I'm confused. If anything I wish there were a way to be healthy but stay at this weight, but I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too... heh. Anyway, I guess that's all I have to say for now.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
I Spilled 7-Up on my Crotch
So stuff happened today. I already made a post about it on WE but I will quote it here because I really don't feel like typing it again:
I went to see my psychiatrist today and it wasn't a very good visit. She told me she'd been reading my therapist's notes on me and she knew I still wasn't eating. Basically she told me she could commit me to the hospital right then and there if she wanted to and I instantly got freaked. She didn't obviously didn't but she's going to check my Lithium level and if it's too high (Lithium toxicity) then she will commit me because that indicates I'm not eating enough. So basically I have to eat tomorrow so that hopefully my level will be lowered enough on Saturday when I get labwork done, to keep me out of the hospital. I argued with her that I'm not medically compromised (and also added that my weight isn't low enough, even though I'm underweight) and therefore can't be committed but her stance was that I'm so "delusional" from not eating that I have poor judgment and can't take care of myself. She said she could definitely make it a case.
Anyway, I'm so freaked out. I don't want to go to the hospital but I don't know if I can bring myself to eat substantially either. I'm so depressed from not eating at this point that I don't even have an appetite or feel like eating anything other than ice pops. I would be embarrassed if I went to the hospital and wasn't "sick enough," wasn't at a really low weight. Mostly I'm just super unready for recovery and that's mostly because I still think I'm fine. I don't want to get better right now. I don't want to force myself to eat to stay out of the hospital either. I just want to be left alone and keep doing what I'm doing and living the way I'm living. I hate being this miserable and suffering the repercussions of this disorder but it's comfortable to me and I'm not ready to change that. So basically I don't know what to do.
My doctor wants to send me to one of the hospitals I've been at twice before. I don't want to go because I'm not at a low enough weight. If I had to go I would adjust I suppose. And I already know the staff so that would make it easier. And my therapist really isn't helping me with having a better relationship with food besides telling me to eat/not eat this or that. I don't think I can do this on my own and that's because I don't want to right now.
I almost passed out at work today, but I happened to be right in front of Jen talking to her so she tried to make me drink a soda... a real soda. With sugar. I took about five sips of it throughout the night, then I spilled some of it on my crotch on the way home (laugh it up) and gave the rest to my little brother. I've only had the soda and two ice pops today. Tomorrow I'll probably eat more because I'm off from work.
I can't change therapists secretively. Apparently I have to confront my therapist and tell her myself that I want to change therapists. Great. I hate confronting people. And that means I have to wait until October.
There's not much else that I feel like typing.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
I Thought Maybe You Were Looking for an Update
So life has pretty much been the same. Shorter days, long nights with no sleep til dawn, lots of caffeine, diuretics, the occasional laxative (though they still don't work anymore, hence 'occasional'), and smoking my brains out. I've lost another pound since my last update, but have maintained this weight for 4-5 days now. Very frustrating, but I know I'll lose another eventually.
I ate rather a lot today as opposed to what I'm used to. Just over 400 calories. I usually stay up late because I eat last around midnight, but tonight I went to lie down around 10:30, fell asleep around 11:30 and work up from a nightmare around 1:30. So now I am up and drinking my diet Pepsi & smoking my brains out. I went down early because I think I'm getting bronchitis from allergies. It's said to be a bad ragweed season, and I'm allergic to ragweed so, do the math. I really hope I don't get bronchitis though because that means I'd have to take a few days off from work since I'd be very loud coughing and would have almost no voice, which means I'd have to find a doctor to go to in order to get a doctor's note for work. Not to mention not being paid. That hurts more since they've already cut hours. I have a physical on Wednesday next week with the APN on the partial side of where I go for therapy. It was all my therapist's idea. I guess she wants to see if I've physically damaged myself by not eating. Fat chance. The only thing I know for sure is that I have arrhythmia (that's already been confirmed) and I think bradycardia (if it's possible to have both?) and my orthostatic blood pressure is probably fucked up. Other than that I'm probably fine.
There's big news that I've been meaning to get around to posting but haven't obviously. I'm seeing my half-sister tomorrow. I barely know her. She lived with us for maybe a year or so when I was four and she was my age. I don't really have good memories of her but she said she was sorry for how things were then and she seems like a good person now so I thought I'd give her a shot. She contacted me two years ago after my dad died but I ignored her, and then I was going through my messages on Facebook and saw hers and felt bad so then we started talking. Anyway, we're getting a coffee and then going to an arcade (my idea - I'm such a little kid). She's bringing her 10-year-old daughter (my niece, but I don't really feel comfortable calling her that because I don't know her at all). She keeps telling me we have a lot in common. I called her at work today and we ended up talking for an hour. I've been nervous to see her again. Which is probably playing into why I can't sleep tonight. But I'm excited at the same time. I always wondered what it was like to have a sister. Whenever people ask me how many siblings I have I just tell them about my two brothers. I actually have another brother, my sister's brother, and another sister whom I've never met and no one knows where she is and no one has for years. I don't even know if she knows my dad is dead. But anyway, there's a bit of my family history for ya.
So nothing much has changed. Same shit, different day. And that's partly why I haven't been posting, but mostly because I've just been too lazy. The end.
I ate rather a lot today as opposed to what I'm used to. Just over 400 calories. I usually stay up late because I eat last around midnight, but tonight I went to lie down around 10:30, fell asleep around 11:30 and work up from a nightmare around 1:30. So now I am up and drinking my diet Pepsi & smoking my brains out. I went down early because I think I'm getting bronchitis from allergies. It's said to be a bad ragweed season, and I'm allergic to ragweed so, do the math. I really hope I don't get bronchitis though because that means I'd have to take a few days off from work since I'd be very loud coughing and would have almost no voice, which means I'd have to find a doctor to go to in order to get a doctor's note for work. Not to mention not being paid. That hurts more since they've already cut hours. I have a physical on Wednesday next week with the APN on the partial side of where I go for therapy. It was all my therapist's idea. I guess she wants to see if I've physically damaged myself by not eating. Fat chance. The only thing I know for sure is that I have arrhythmia (that's already been confirmed) and I think bradycardia (if it's possible to have both?) and my orthostatic blood pressure is probably fucked up. Other than that I'm probably fine.
There's big news that I've been meaning to get around to posting but haven't obviously. I'm seeing my half-sister tomorrow. I barely know her. She lived with us for maybe a year or so when I was four and she was my age. I don't really have good memories of her but she said she was sorry for how things were then and she seems like a good person now so I thought I'd give her a shot. She contacted me two years ago after my dad died but I ignored her, and then I was going through my messages on Facebook and saw hers and felt bad so then we started talking. Anyway, we're getting a coffee and then going to an arcade (my idea - I'm such a little kid). She's bringing her 10-year-old daughter (my niece, but I don't really feel comfortable calling her that because I don't know her at all). She keeps telling me we have a lot in common. I called her at work today and we ended up talking for an hour. I've been nervous to see her again. Which is probably playing into why I can't sleep tonight. But I'm excited at the same time. I always wondered what it was like to have a sister. Whenever people ask me how many siblings I have I just tell them about my two brothers. I actually have another brother, my sister's brother, and another sister whom I've never met and no one knows where she is and no one has for years. I don't even know if she knows my dad is dead. But anyway, there's a bit of my family history for ya.
So nothing much has changed. Same shit, different day. And that's partly why I haven't been posting, but mostly because I've just been too lazy. The end.
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