Ah, so today was good, I suppose. It wasn't bad. I lost two pounds since yesterday. I slept in today. I still weighed in at the appropriate time but I slept longer than usual after that. Anyway, I got up and woke up and called Jen like I said I would. We talked for about 15 minutes. She said the only person who's noticed anything at work (who's told her at least) is Wendy. No big deal. Wendy is so bubbly that she probably is like, "Whatever!" and moves on. Jen and I talked about carbs and energy and whatnot. I told her I was thinking about getting a new therapist. I looked up an eating disorder specialist last night so I told her about that but I told her I would try a new therapist at the place I am now before I do that. This way I can see my boyfriend more often since he is on the partial care side.
I went to work and it was good. I had my caffeine and I did all the tills I could before I left. I bought more diet Pepsi and ice pops and went home.
I've been drinking diet Pepsi all night. I'm so wired. The only thing I have to worry about is lack of sleep and that it could trigger a manic episode since I'm Bipolar. I don't want that to happen, that would suck. But I have all the caffeine from the soda plus the caffeine from the diuretics and I'm jammin' to some System of a Down who are my favorite band and life is just good. I'm talking to my best friend, or at least I was until she disappeared into God knows where. But I'll probably crash at one point or another. I want to stay awake until at least 4 though because I had something to eat near 1am because my stomach hurt so bad so I shoved a fat-free turkey dog and a pouch of fruit snacks down my throat. I'm under 300 again but it's better than yesterday because yesterday I was under 200. Progress not perfection! Haha, psych, I'm not progressing to anything. I wish I were. Anyway, this has just turned into a pointless rant about nothing and hyperness and stuff so I'm going to end it now.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Caffeine is the Answer!
So today is still being awesome. Fell asleep after 5am. After weigh-in (lost a pound), went back to bed until 2:30. I quickly hopped in the shower because I didn't take one before bed last night (which is when I usually take them nowadays) and got dressed for work. I knew I had to eat something before work, but I really wasn't feeling like it. I mean, I seriously didn't want to go near or think about food. But I forced myself to have a can of tuna, yes, a whole can. I either have half a can and bread with it to make it a sandwich, or I just have a whole can in a bowl without bread. Anyway, I felt pretty shitty. I just don't feel like being near food, let alone eating enough to maintain a high enough energy level.
I went to work at 5 and the first thing I think of is that I need caffeine or I'm not going to be able to work efficiently. I couldn't buy a diet Pepsi until my break, so I just waited it out. I talked to Jen very briefly, and asked her if my poor performance is noticeable. She told me it's been noticeable, which kind of bothered me. Then I wondered if it was only noticeable to her, or if other people have noticed it. I didn't have a chance to ask her because then I had a customer. I didn't get to finish talking to her at all. I'll probably call her sometime tomorrow if I remember, because I didn't call her today. She wasn't even supposed to come in today. She was called in. That sucks.
Anyway, after I went on break and had my soda, I was okay. Caffeine is the answer to all my problems right now. It's the only way I can get the energy I need to work. The rest of the night went pretty well. So far I can't think of anything I missed, but that doesn't mean I won't think of something while I'm trying to sleep tonight, which is the time I use to belittle myself and criticize everything I've done during the day. Horrible, aren't I? It sucks being a perfectionist.
Rick and Shannon gave me a ride home. Since then I've been talking to my best friend, the one who's been having a really rough time lately. Well she decided she's gonna get fucked up tonight, which is great because it's helping her and we're actually having a fun conversation rather than a depressing, my-life-sucks-I-wanna-die conversation. So we're having a little party and we're planning to get fucked up for my 21st birthday, which isn't until May, but who cares? My only concern is that she's going to turn to drinking more often and may start a problem. She had a problem with alcohol when we were teenagers but since then has only drank occasionally, as have I. She's also mentioned that she was smoking cigarettes, which isn't good either because she'd completely quit about a year ago or more, so I'm concerned that she'll start back up with that again, too. Anyway, I'm just gonna keep an eye on her and see what happens. But those are my concerns.
So that's what I'm doing right now. It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm having a texting/Facebook party with my best friend and we're getting all excited about getting fucked up on my birthday.
On another exciting note, I have no closing days at work this week. Sadly though, I don't have as many hours. Guess I can't win.
BY THE WAY, this is my 100th post on this blog. Yay!
That's all, folks.
I went to work at 5 and the first thing I think of is that I need caffeine or I'm not going to be able to work efficiently. I couldn't buy a diet Pepsi until my break, so I just waited it out. I talked to Jen very briefly, and asked her if my poor performance is noticeable. She told me it's been noticeable, which kind of bothered me. Then I wondered if it was only noticeable to her, or if other people have noticed it. I didn't have a chance to ask her because then I had a customer. I didn't get to finish talking to her at all. I'll probably call her sometime tomorrow if I remember, because I didn't call her today. She wasn't even supposed to come in today. She was called in. That sucks.
Anyway, after I went on break and had my soda, I was okay. Caffeine is the answer to all my problems right now. It's the only way I can get the energy I need to work. The rest of the night went pretty well. So far I can't think of anything I missed, but that doesn't mean I won't think of something while I'm trying to sleep tonight, which is the time I use to belittle myself and criticize everything I've done during the day. Horrible, aren't I? It sucks being a perfectionist.
Rick and Shannon gave me a ride home. Since then I've been talking to my best friend, the one who's been having a really rough time lately. Well she decided she's gonna get fucked up tonight, which is great because it's helping her and we're actually having a fun conversation rather than a depressing, my-life-sucks-I-wanna-die conversation. So we're having a little party and we're planning to get fucked up for my 21st birthday, which isn't until May, but who cares? My only concern is that she's going to turn to drinking more often and may start a problem. She had a problem with alcohol when we were teenagers but since then has only drank occasionally, as have I. She's also mentioned that she was smoking cigarettes, which isn't good either because she'd completely quit about a year ago or more, so I'm concerned that she'll start back up with that again, too. Anyway, I'm just gonna keep an eye on her and see what happens. But those are my concerns.
So that's what I'm doing right now. It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm having a texting/Facebook party with my best friend and we're getting all excited about getting fucked up on my birthday.
On another exciting note, I have no closing days at work this week. Sadly though, I don't have as many hours. Guess I can't win.
BY THE WAY, this is my 100th post on this blog. Yay!
That's all, folks.
Friday, August 24, 2012
The Best of Both Worlds
So today was an interesting day. I woke up around 8 but kept hitting snooze so I really just lied in bed until about 10 and finally got up and weighed in. I lost a pound since yesterday, but am still a pound more than I was a few days ago.
Around 10:30 I called my old school therapist to talk about my best friend, who is going through a really hard time. I don't really talk about this on my blog because it's none of anyone's business, but I text her every night and she's just going through a really, really hard time. That's all I can say. Anyway, she didn't answer so I went back to bed. About an hour later she called me and we talked. I felt better.
I was going to go back to bed again but then my other best friend called me because she was at the boardwalk and she wanted me to look something up online. And then we talked for a while. And then I went back to bed, again.
My boyfriend texted me and woke me up around 3 and then I couldn't go back to sleep. I got up and went online and dicked around the house. I had plans to go to Barnes & Noble when my mom got home from work.
My mom got home from work and she was in a horrible mood. She had a horrible week and a horrible day and she was near tears (actually did cry at one point). So I tried to have a conversation with her to calm her down. Then we left to go to the book store and get my Wreck This Journal. Then I came home and my boyfriend came over.
He stayed her for about four hours. We had a good time. I get stronger feelings for him every time we see each other. Then he left around 11:30.
I had a horrible headache for much of the night and finally took something for it. I'm not really one who pops something at the first sign of a headache. It has to be really unbearable for me to take an Advil or something.
I've eaten just under 400 calories today. I really don't even have to try to restrict. It comes naturally. I'm so depressed and anxious all the time anyway that it makes me have no appetite. Eating is pretty much a chore. I know I'll have to eat a little more tomorrow during the day because I'm closing the store again. I fucking hate closing the store because I feel so pressured to do everything right. It's so stressful. I realized last night, while I was trying to sleep of course, that I left one of the drawers in the office that has coins in it, open. At least I think I did. It wasn't like totally opened but it wasn't locked either, I think. I'm really not sure. And I left the box of tickets for the stupid game (that is now over, thank God) outside the office at the actual Customer Service desk. I'm scared to go in tomorrow and have an angry note. I'm scared that they'll notice that I just fuck everything up and am unfocused and incapable of doing my job. I don't care if I lose things, physical functions or otherwise to my eating disorder, but if I were to lose my job because of my eating disorder, I would be so upset. It would be all my fault. I've never lost a job in my life, and I've never even been written up or done anything bad at all. I have a perfect track record when it comes to work.
Honestly, the thing I've been thinking about for days now is how can I lose weight but still eat enough? That is not a question that I'm looking for an actual answer to, mind you, but just what I've been asking myself. I've come to the conclusion that I can't have the best of both worlds and I'll have to choose one or the other. I want to choose to get better, but I'm so scared. I like to think that I'm trying every day to eat what I can, but apparently that's not enough. I do not by any means want to lose my job or even be talked to about my poor performance on the job. I'm so lost right now. I'm thinking about calling Jen tomorrow and talking to her about it. I just don't know how I would bring it up. I can't talk to my stupid therapist about it. She's just going to tell me what to eat and when and how much weight to gain because she's so fucking controlling. Not a good match for an ED patient.
I want answers.
Around 10:30 I called my old school therapist to talk about my best friend, who is going through a really hard time. I don't really talk about this on my blog because it's none of anyone's business, but I text her every night and she's just going through a really, really hard time. That's all I can say. Anyway, she didn't answer so I went back to bed. About an hour later she called me and we talked. I felt better.
I was going to go back to bed again but then my other best friend called me because she was at the boardwalk and she wanted me to look something up online. And then we talked for a while. And then I went back to bed, again.
My boyfriend texted me and woke me up around 3 and then I couldn't go back to sleep. I got up and went online and dicked around the house. I had plans to go to Barnes & Noble when my mom got home from work.
My mom got home from work and she was in a horrible mood. She had a horrible week and a horrible day and she was near tears (actually did cry at one point). So I tried to have a conversation with her to calm her down. Then we left to go to the book store and get my Wreck This Journal. Then I came home and my boyfriend came over.
He stayed her for about four hours. We had a good time. I get stronger feelings for him every time we see each other. Then he left around 11:30.
I had a horrible headache for much of the night and finally took something for it. I'm not really one who pops something at the first sign of a headache. It has to be really unbearable for me to take an Advil or something.
I've eaten just under 400 calories today. I really don't even have to try to restrict. It comes naturally. I'm so depressed and anxious all the time anyway that it makes me have no appetite. Eating is pretty much a chore. I know I'll have to eat a little more tomorrow during the day because I'm closing the store again. I fucking hate closing the store because I feel so pressured to do everything right. It's so stressful. I realized last night, while I was trying to sleep of course, that I left one of the drawers in the office that has coins in it, open. At least I think I did. It wasn't like totally opened but it wasn't locked either, I think. I'm really not sure. And I left the box of tickets for the stupid game (that is now over, thank God) outside the office at the actual Customer Service desk. I'm scared to go in tomorrow and have an angry note. I'm scared that they'll notice that I just fuck everything up and am unfocused and incapable of doing my job. I don't care if I lose things, physical functions or otherwise to my eating disorder, but if I were to lose my job because of my eating disorder, I would be so upset. It would be all my fault. I've never lost a job in my life, and I've never even been written up or done anything bad at all. I have a perfect track record when it comes to work.
Honestly, the thing I've been thinking about for days now is how can I lose weight but still eat enough? That is not a question that I'm looking for an actual answer to, mind you, but just what I've been asking myself. I've come to the conclusion that I can't have the best of both worlds and I'll have to choose one or the other. I want to choose to get better, but I'm so scared. I like to think that I'm trying every day to eat what I can, but apparently that's not enough. I do not by any means want to lose my job or even be talked to about my poor performance on the job. I'm so lost right now. I'm thinking about calling Jen tomorrow and talking to her about it. I just don't know how I would bring it up. I can't talk to my stupid therapist about it. She's just going to tell me what to eat and when and how much weight to gain because she's so fucking controlling. Not a good match for an ED patient.
I want answers.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Pink Floyd
Today was crazy. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night again. I finally fell asleep around 5:30 this morning but I woke up pretty much every half-hour in pain. I've had sharp stomach pains all day and I don't think they're from hunger - I'm not sure what they're from. Anyway, I got up at 8 as usual and weighed in. I gained another pound, but that was expected of course. I tried to go back to sleep but I was awoken every five minutes because of the stomach pain. Oh well, I had to get up anyway.
I had my therapy appointment today. She hates me so much now that she told me our next appointment will be half an hour instead of fifty minutes. Whatever. She also told me I can't go to the partial care picnic next week because "it won't be good" for me. Fuck you. I'm going to request a new therapist. Not just because of that, but I'm tired of her trying to control me all the time about everything. She gets on my fucking nerves. On the bright side, my boyfriend gave me an awesome wristband thing that he bought on the boardwalk. It's green and it has different colored peace signs all over it! It's pretty awesome. He also gave me one of his old Pink Floyd shirts. I love it; I'm wearing it to bed. I get to see him tomorrow too so that's super exciting.
Tomorrow I'm off, and as I said, I'm seeing my boyfriend and also going to Barnes & Noble (it's a bookstore, for anyone who's never heard of it) to pick up a vocabulary book and something called Wreck This Journal which is an awesome journal that has a different activity on every page. Very creative. And I also might go to the craft store and get some canvases for painting since I've run out. So tomorrow should be a great day.
I've barely eaten today because I really wasn't hungry and my stomach hurt so bad. Maybe I'll do better tomorrow.
I had my therapy appointment today. She hates me so much now that she told me our next appointment will be half an hour instead of fifty minutes. Whatever. She also told me I can't go to the partial care picnic next week because "it won't be good" for me. Fuck you. I'm going to request a new therapist. Not just because of that, but I'm tired of her trying to control me all the time about everything. She gets on my fucking nerves. On the bright side, my boyfriend gave me an awesome wristband thing that he bought on the boardwalk. It's green and it has different colored peace signs all over it! It's pretty awesome. He also gave me one of his old Pink Floyd shirts. I love it; I'm wearing it to bed. I get to see him tomorrow too so that's super exciting.
Tomorrow I'm off, and as I said, I'm seeing my boyfriend and also going to Barnes & Noble (it's a bookstore, for anyone who's never heard of it) to pick up a vocabulary book and something called Wreck This Journal which is an awesome journal that has a different activity on every page. Very creative. And I also might go to the craft store and get some canvases for painting since I've run out. So tomorrow should be a great day.
I've barely eaten today because I really wasn't hungry and my stomach hurt so bad. Maybe I'll do better tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Hello Binge
So today was horrible but okay. I weighed in at 8am as usual and I gained a pound from that pasta I ate last night. It had 58g carbs in it and 5g fat. WOAH. I didn't think it would be a problem but apparently it was.
I went back to bed and woke up around 1:30. Or at least, that's when I got up. I had a horrible time sleeping last night and didn't do much better when I went back to bed. My friend's mom was supposed to pick me up shortly after 2 to go to her house. After being up for about 10 minutes, my friend called me and said that her mom was on her way. It wasn't even quarter to 2. I frantically went in the bathroom to weigh myself again and threw on some real clothes and gathered my things. We are working on a special secret project - yes, I know that sounds so elementary - so I had to get all the stuff ready and in a bag.
When I got to her house I put my things down and she was freaking out because she got a call from an employer about an interview, and he wanted her to come in today. So she freaked out a little more and then got ready and we left. It was at a dollar store so we went in to look around. I hadn't eaten anything prior to coming to her house like I'd planned so I was worried. I wanted to find something safe I can bring back to her house and eat. But no. What did I do? I bought chips, potato sticks, cookies and pretzels with cheese. Then I went to her mom's car and sat in the back seat and shoved half of it down my throat. I don't know how many calories I've had, but it's probably somewhere around 1500 for the day. And after that we went back to her house and I ate freaking spaghetti. (The 1500 includes the spaghetti) I felt like shit. I got a massive headache afterwards so I took a nap for an hour in the guest bedroom. I still felt like shit when I woke up. My sugar was probably really high and that's probably why I felt like that. But that's just my uneducated guess. The rest of the night we worked on our project and played cards and then I came home.
I'm so repulsed by food right now. I don't wanna know about it, I don't wanna smell it, I don't wanna see it or hear anything remotely has anything to do with it. I'm going to painstakingly weigh myself tonight before I get in the shower. I'm so fucking mad. I fucking hate when I do this. What the hell is wrong with me??
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
The Miserableness of Living With Anorexia
So I just spent the last 45 minutes or so reading over my old blog a bit. It made me so sad. It also made me think. I never really put thought to whether or not I can stop this whenever I want to. If someone told me tomorrow that I have to eat at least 1200 calories, I'd probably scream. I wouldn't be able to do it. I don't really think of my ED as often as most people, I suppose. I think of it when it's relevant of course, but other than that I don't think of it much. Anyway, it made me want to cry. I don't know why. I just feel so helpless. I know I'd be much happier if I ate normally and healthily but I'm not letting myself do that. And for people who have been around during the whole or at least a big part of your ED, it gets old for them and they just become frustrated rather than understanding. Not that eating disorders are something to be understood and thought of as okay, 'cause they're obviously not okay. People just get so angry now. They're tired of it. It's a game to them. It's always, "I don't wanna play your little games anymore." This isn't a game. It's just a miserable, unhappy, sad way to live. And in my head lately I've been thinking, I can get better and be happy if I just eat some more every day, but then I combat it with, Okay, you can do that once you reach x weight.
Every day I feel more and more tired and weak. I can't tell you how many people have come up to me at work in the last week and said, "What'd you just wake up or something?" or, "Wow, you need to drink a Red Bull." And I just shrug it off. I'm getting enough sleep nowadays; I just get so physically drained when I go to work because I can't take standing up for long periods of time anymore. But I can stay up until 5 in the morning because I don't wake up (excluding 8am weigh-in) until 2pm.
I'm making myself miserable. I know what I need to do to make this all better, but I can't bring myself to do it. I shouldn't complain about it just for that reason. Everyone has every right to be mad at me. They have every right to be disappointed. So I will go back to pretending everything is fine. Or I will do what I have to do. But I know I'm not ready for the latter.
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I'm starting to think my boyfriend is clingy. He gets upset when I don't answer his texts right away. And God forbid I'm on the phone and don't answer him. He gets so upset and then he starts giving me one-word answers. Whatever. I mean, I love him and all, and he's so amazing and sweet and sensitive. I just don't like the clingy part. I don't know if I should confront him about it. I really think we have something special and I don't want to make him upset by bringing it up.
I need to figure shit out.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Dull Boring Day
Nothing really interesting happened today. I tried to sleep in as best as possible (after I physically got up to weight myself around 8), but that meant pressing snooze and being woken up every five minutes for an hour. Oh well. I did something daring and had a bowl of cereal today. It was one of those pre-packaged boxes of cereal. AND I had whole milk with it (that's all we had in the house until I bought skim milk after work). Go me.
Work wasn't bad. When I came in Jen was still there so I felt anxious because I feel like I have to try harder when she's around me now since she's so disappointed in me. I was only with her for half an hour and then she went home. Then Ms. Gaye came in. I'm starting to like working with Ms. Gaye more because I don't feel pressured and she's super laid back. I work with her the most at the desk I would say. Except this week. I'm off on the only other two days she ever works. Anyway, it's easy working with her because I pull all the tills that can be pulled before I leave to make it fair, since it's about half the tills, and she pulls the rest all night after I leave. So overall work was pretty good.
I bought Special K cereal and skim milk when I left. I plan on eating some tomorrow hopefully. And hopefully I won't let the milk go to waste. I actually bought a half-gallon instead of a quart. And I also bought fat-free pretzels, one of the safe foods I've had from the beginning of my ED.
Nothing really exciting happened today. My life is pretty boring.
Work wasn't bad. When I came in Jen was still there so I felt anxious because I feel like I have to try harder when she's around me now since she's so disappointed in me. I was only with her for half an hour and then she went home. Then Ms. Gaye came in. I'm starting to like working with Ms. Gaye more because I don't feel pressured and she's super laid back. I work with her the most at the desk I would say. Except this week. I'm off on the only other two days she ever works. Anyway, it's easy working with her because I pull all the tills that can be pulled before I leave to make it fair, since it's about half the tills, and she pulls the rest all night after I leave. So overall work was pretty good.
I bought Special K cereal and skim milk when I left. I plan on eating some tomorrow hopefully. And hopefully I won't let the milk go to waste. I actually bought a half-gallon instead of a quart. And I also bought fat-free pretzels, one of the safe foods I've had from the beginning of my ED.
Nothing really exciting happened today. My life is pretty boring.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
I'm a Shit Worker
Today was okay. I've been so tired lately. I go to bed between 3 and 5 in the morning and get up at 8, but I usually find time for a nap during the day, so I'm getting enough sleep.
I got up at 8 today and stayed up for a couple of hours, then took a nap until I needed to get ready for work at 1. I worked with my friend Jen today for two hours before she left and the other Jenn came in. She asked me if I was still struggling and I just nodded my head. I shouldn't have done that though; I should've told her I was fine. Not that she ever believes me when I say that. My other co-worker, Wendy, came up to me just then and said I was really pale. I told her I've been sick lately and I saw Jen shaking her head out of the corner of my eye. I've been having trouble at work the last week or so. No matter what I do, I'm so drained at work. I can be perfectly fine going in, but after about an hour or so of being there I become so tired and out of it and unfocused. I've tried eating more before going in but that doesn't seem to make a difference. So I asked Jen if she thought I was a shit worker, and she said that I'm not taking care of myself, but I'm a good employee, but if I don't take care of myself then I'm useless to the company. She sounded so annoyed and disappointed. She's right. I could lose my job if I keep it up. I didn't talk to her much after that. I know she's annoyed with me. And it makes me want to cry. But now I just have to lie to her, and lie well. I've gotta really milk it... "Oh, no, I've been eating a lot more, I'm just tired lately. I'm really doing better." Does that sound fake? I dunno. But that's what upset me today.
That's all I really feel like typing today. Not that there's much else going on in my dull life.
I got up at 8 today and stayed up for a couple of hours, then took a nap until I needed to get ready for work at 1. I worked with my friend Jen today for two hours before she left and the other Jenn came in. She asked me if I was still struggling and I just nodded my head. I shouldn't have done that though; I should've told her I was fine. Not that she ever believes me when I say that. My other co-worker, Wendy, came up to me just then and said I was really pale. I told her I've been sick lately and I saw Jen shaking her head out of the corner of my eye. I've been having trouble at work the last week or so. No matter what I do, I'm so drained at work. I can be perfectly fine going in, but after about an hour or so of being there I become so tired and out of it and unfocused. I've tried eating more before going in but that doesn't seem to make a difference. So I asked Jen if she thought I was a shit worker, and she said that I'm not taking care of myself, but I'm a good employee, but if I don't take care of myself then I'm useless to the company. She sounded so annoyed and disappointed. She's right. I could lose my job if I keep it up. I didn't talk to her much after that. I know she's annoyed with me. And it makes me want to cry. But now I just have to lie to her, and lie well. I've gotta really milk it... "Oh, no, I've been eating a lot more, I'm just tired lately. I'm really doing better." Does that sound fake? I dunno. But that's what upset me today.
That's all I really feel like typing today. Not that there's much else going on in my dull life.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Anorexia?
So. What an interesting day this has been. I'm back down to the weight I was before I binged over a week ago. Gee, only took me 9 days. Ugh.
I went to my therapy appointment today. Actually, I was late because the transportation was fucking retarded and picked me up late, then decided to pick up two more people before dropping me off. It didn't matter though because when I got there my therapist was dealing with a crisis and she couldn't see me right away.
When I finally met with her, she told me she needed to go over my treatment plan with me. She had already written (typed, actually) everything out, and I just had to agree to it. Well, there was a problem. On the "Target areas" she listed "Anorexia and binge & purge patterns," with which I did not agree. I'm not even underweight! And she's trying to diagnose me with Anorexia Nervosa. I brought it to her attention that I'm not even close to being under 85% of my IBW and therefore cannot be considered Anorexic, but rather EDNOS would be more appropriate at this time. Then she told me because I already have a history of being anorexic and have in the past been under 85% of my IBW, that I qualify. Wtf? Okay, obviously you're retarded. She went to look it up in the DSM and we argued some more until I told her to drop it. We talked about how I have an addiction to comfort and then we ended.
Transportation didn't come to pick me up so I went home on the van with the people from the partial care side, which includes my boyfriend. I didn't get home until almost 5pm. My mom and I were supposed to do laundry, but she changed her mind at the last minute and instead, dropped me off with my laundry at the laundromat. I was kind of annoyed that she did that, but ultimately I was glad to have some time to myself to think in a place where no one would bother me.
When I came home I had some small things to eat, then watched TV with my little brother. And after that my mom went to bed and I've been on the computer since. Nothing exciting.
Today is my only day off and I'm pissed because I was supposed to have off tomorrow as well, but work called me in. Oh well.
I had an inspiring conversation with a friend. I'm going to try to eat more tomorrow, but I'm not supposed to just try, I'm supposed to just do. So we'll see how that goes.
I went to my therapy appointment today. Actually, I was late because the transportation was fucking retarded and picked me up late, then decided to pick up two more people before dropping me off. It didn't matter though because when I got there my therapist was dealing with a crisis and she couldn't see me right away.
When I finally met with her, she told me she needed to go over my treatment plan with me. She had already written (typed, actually) everything out, and I just had to agree to it. Well, there was a problem. On the "Target areas" she listed "Anorexia and binge & purge patterns," with which I did not agree. I'm not even underweight! And she's trying to diagnose me with Anorexia Nervosa. I brought it to her attention that I'm not even close to being under 85% of my IBW and therefore cannot be considered Anorexic, but rather EDNOS would be more appropriate at this time. Then she told me because I already have a history of being anorexic and have in the past been under 85% of my IBW, that I qualify. Wtf? Okay, obviously you're retarded. She went to look it up in the DSM and we argued some more until I told her to drop it. We talked about how I have an addiction to comfort and then we ended.
Transportation didn't come to pick me up so I went home on the van with the people from the partial care side, which includes my boyfriend. I didn't get home until almost 5pm. My mom and I were supposed to do laundry, but she changed her mind at the last minute and instead, dropped me off with my laundry at the laundromat. I was kind of annoyed that she did that, but ultimately I was glad to have some time to myself to think in a place where no one would bother me.
When I came home I had some small things to eat, then watched TV with my little brother. And after that my mom went to bed and I've been on the computer since. Nothing exciting.
Today is my only day off and I'm pissed because I was supposed to have off tomorrow as well, but work called me in. Oh well.
I had an inspiring conversation with a friend. I'm going to try to eat more tomorrow, but I'm not supposed to just try, I'm supposed to just do. So we'll see how that goes.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Powerball Madness
Today I feel okay. I finally lost that stubborn pound that was hanging around for, oh, five days or so. I binged a little when I came home from work tonight and that is why I'm up late again. I cannot go to bed directly after eating. I have to wait at least two hours. So I will be up for maybe another hour, even though I ate about 3-4 hours ago.
Work was crazy. Sooo many people in line to get Powerball lottery tickets!!! I'm praying someone hits the jackpot tonight. I wanted to shoot myself. I could hardly get anything done in a timely fashion because every time I tried to do something, someone wanted a lottery ticket or someone had a Coinstar. Ugh. Other than that, work was pretty smooth. Nothing I couldn't handle. This one girl - actually, the same girl who left early yesterday for a "family emergency" - was trying to go home early again today. I personally think she's bullshitting. She's called out at least twice, not shown up at all twice, and left early three or four times within the last three weeks or so. Like, just fucking suck it up already. It's your job. If you don't like it then quit. She's going back to school in like, two weeks, anyway. I don't know what we're going to do when people go back to school. I'm assuming I'll be cashier more often and I know I'll be doing tags at least on Thursday most of the time, and also bright and early at 6am on Friday mornings. I hate getting up at 4:30 in the morning to go to work. But on Fridays I usually get a full day, eight-and-a-half hours. Which means I get two 15-minute breaks and a 30-minute meal, not to mention more pay obviously. Woohoo. But I really hate it, it's such a drag. But yeah, I don't know what will happen when everyone goes back to school. There are at least four people I can think of who are going back to school. It's pretty cool how Acme will hold their jobs for them while they're at school. Probably because we're a union store. Unions are cool like that.
I have my therapy appointment tomorrow, and I get to see my boyfriend, but I think he's mad at me. We were texting when I came home from work but I was on the phone with two people (at separate times) and I wasn't texting him as often and then he was just like, "Good night" and I felt bad. Oh well, I'll make it up to him somehow tomorrow.
Work was crazy. Sooo many people in line to get Powerball lottery tickets!!! I'm praying someone hits the jackpot tonight. I wanted to shoot myself. I could hardly get anything done in a timely fashion because every time I tried to do something, someone wanted a lottery ticket or someone had a Coinstar. Ugh. Other than that, work was pretty smooth. Nothing I couldn't handle. This one girl - actually, the same girl who left early yesterday for a "family emergency" - was trying to go home early again today. I personally think she's bullshitting. She's called out at least twice, not shown up at all twice, and left early three or four times within the last three weeks or so. Like, just fucking suck it up already. It's your job. If you don't like it then quit. She's going back to school in like, two weeks, anyway. I don't know what we're going to do when people go back to school. I'm assuming I'll be cashier more often and I know I'll be doing tags at least on Thursday most of the time, and also bright and early at 6am on Friday mornings. I hate getting up at 4:30 in the morning to go to work. But on Fridays I usually get a full day, eight-and-a-half hours. Which means I get two 15-minute breaks and a 30-minute meal, not to mention more pay obviously. Woohoo. But I really hate it, it's such a drag. But yeah, I don't know what will happen when everyone goes back to school. There are at least four people I can think of who are going back to school. It's pretty cool how Acme will hold their jobs for them while they're at school. Probably because we're a union store. Unions are cool like that.
I have my therapy appointment tomorrow, and I get to see my boyfriend, but I think he's mad at me. We were texting when I came home from work but I was on the phone with two people (at separate times) and I wasn't texting him as often and then he was just like, "Good night" and I felt bad. Oh well, I'll make it up to him somehow tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Life Goes On
I apologize for my post yesterday. I talked to my boyfriend about it actually. I was texting him already and then that happened and we were in the middle of a conversation and I didn't think I had made any response that would indicate there was something wrong, but he asked me if I was okay. I'm tired of keeping it a secret from him so I told him I was upset and he called me and we talked about it. I told him I was scared to scare him off and he said nothing I did or said would scare him off and he wants me to talk to him more. That made me feel better. He was very sweet to me today, more than usual. I guess he felt bad because he was unsure of what to say or how to help. I told him to just keep doing what he's doing.
Today was very stressful. Mainly at work. I closed the store again tonight. I only had two cashiers after 6pm and then at 8:30, one of them had to go home because apparently she had a family emergency. Soo, I freaked out. I asked the girl who was on self-checkout to stay an extra half-hour. Turns out I didn't even need her. Oh well. I frantically rushed around trying to get everything done by the end of the night because I was behind. I just made it. I'm actually not even positive that I did everything, but I guess I'll find out tomorrow if I go in and there's an angry note.
I didn't eat a single thing all day, not even ice pops. Then I came home. My mom had gone food shopping. I started off by having ice pops, then I had a sliver of pineapple, and finished it off with a can of whole potatoes. Oh well. I'll do better tomorrow.
My best friend is on her way to South Carolina as I type this. She couldn't come by and say goodbye to me. I wasn't surprised. She never has time to see me. I haven't seen her in over a year. I still love her though, even though she never gets down here to see me (she did live 30 minutes away).
Life goes on.
Today was very stressful. Mainly at work. I closed the store again tonight. I only had two cashiers after 6pm and then at 8:30, one of them had to go home because apparently she had a family emergency. Soo, I freaked out. I asked the girl who was on self-checkout to stay an extra half-hour. Turns out I didn't even need her. Oh well. I frantically rushed around trying to get everything done by the end of the night because I was behind. I just made it. I'm actually not even positive that I did everything, but I guess I'll find out tomorrow if I go in and there's an angry note.
I didn't eat a single thing all day, not even ice pops. Then I came home. My mom had gone food shopping. I started off by having ice pops, then I had a sliver of pineapple, and finished it off with a can of whole potatoes. Oh well. I'll do better tomorrow.
My best friend is on her way to South Carolina as I type this. She couldn't come by and say goodbye to me. I wasn't surprised. She never has time to see me. I haven't seen her in over a year. I still love her though, even though she never gets down here to see me (she did live 30 minutes away).
Life goes on.
Monday, August 13, 2012
What the Hell Did I Just Do?
I went into today planning to eat only ice pops. I did great all day. I knew I would want some real food when I got home from work, though. I tried keeping myself occupied. There's pretty much no food in the house anyway, so what could I possibly get myself into other than safe foods? I forgot about the hamburgers in the freezer that I'd bought for my little brother. Long story short, I had one. And I didn't feel anything at first. But now I am filled with regret and discomfort (physically and emotionally). I can't believe I just freaking did that. Seriously? I am so full and so uncomfortable. And now I'm going to gain weight. I fucking hate myself. I'm so fucking stupid. And I don't need to gain weight!!!! I'm not underweight. Fuck this shit, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!!! I can't stand myself right now. I hate food, I hate worrying about stupid food all the freaking time, I hate worrying about weight gain, I hate it all! My set point is too fucking high, I'm fat and disgusting and I wish this would all fucking end! I'm so done with this shit. WHY CAN'T I JUST LOOK GOOD. Why do I have to be fat and disgusting? Why can't I control myself? WHY WHY WHY?!??! I want to scream at a fucking wall and fuck something up and just flip the fuck out!!!! OVER A FUCKING HAMBURGER. THIS STUPID FUCKING HAMBURGER HAS SOME POWER OVER ME THAT I CAN'T GET OVER. Fuck you, hamburger, go fucking rot. I hate my body, I hate food, I hate everything right now, I'm so sick of it all.
Night-time Madness
So it's about 3am and I've had this tab up for a good four hours now, contemplating if I felt like updating or not. I guess I am.
I'm frustrated because my weight has been fluctuating. I've not been doing great with having control over what I eat. Tonight's dinner became a binge on safe food. I've gone over 500 today I think. Then I had a million ice pops for the rest of the night and didn't even record them. Oh well. I'm seriously thinking of just eating ice pops now and maybe the occasional fruit snack if I feel the need. I just want to lose a few more pounds.
Work has been a little stressful. I closed again the other night. I was so worried that I'd miss something, but there was a note there when I got in from Sabrina pretty much saying 'thank you' for doing all the things that needed to be done. I wanted to take it down because I didn't want people to get mad at me, but Jen told me to leave it up for bragging rights. I'm really not the bragging kind of person, so it felt really weird. Today I went in and didn't know what to do with myself. I was working with Jen for a couple of hours. Sundays are always so boring. I hate coming in before 5 because there are no tills to pull until after 5 and nothing really exciting to do unless there are a lot of customers, which there usually aren't. Jen left at 5:30 and Shannon came in. She literally clocked in, put her shit down and left to walk around the store for thirty minutes. Meanwhile I was due for my break and I was getting a lot of annoying customers who were just bitchy and the like. I called her over the intercom so I could go on break. After that I felt better because there was a lot to do. I left at 8 and went home after buying my mom a chicken Caesar salad and cigarettes.
I texted my boyfriend for a while. I wasn't in the best mood and felt kind of lonely. He was really hyper and saying random shit, which made me feel a little better, but then he went to bed. I had called my friend Steph, who was supposed to stay on the phone with me to watch the meteor shower. I called her and she said she'd call me back, but she almost never did. I ate a bunch of crap and waited for my mom to go to bed so I could have the computer. I felt really lonely again and I tried talking to Steph on facebook. She was barely answering me. I found other things to do, like dress up and take pictures and put them on FB. Because I was that bored. I spoke with my best friend, who is moving on Wednesday. She said she might try to see me before she hits the road for South Carolina. She has stuff to give me and vice versa. I haven't seen her in over a year. She never has time to see me.
Anyway, Steph finally got back in touch with me about an hour ago and she called me and I went outside to see the meteor shower. I was outside for about 5 minutes before I heard gunshots (I live right outside the city in a not-so-safe area) and ran back inside. Didn't get to see the meteor shower, but tomorrow's another day. And if I miss it tomorrow there's always next year, the year after that, etc.
I've been keeping myself amused all night by listening to music, Tumblring, Facebooking, painting my nails, eating ice pops. I really am not tired. I have to call transportation tomorrow to set it up for my appointment on Thursday. Then I have work at 5 and after that it will probably be another night of staying up, hopefully getting to see the meteor shower. We'll see how it goes.
Now I'm just trying to figure out what else there is to do for the night. I know if I read a book I'll probably fall asleep, and I don't really want to sleep yet. I honestly don't want to read a book either. I want to play catch, but there's no one to play with and I can't do it against the wall or floor (especially the floor because I have neighbors downstairs) because of noise. I hate not having people around. Night time is so lonely. I wish everyone would just wake up and party! Woo! But that's not going to happen. I'll figure something out.
I'm frustrated because my weight has been fluctuating. I've not been doing great with having control over what I eat. Tonight's dinner became a binge on safe food. I've gone over 500 today I think. Then I had a million ice pops for the rest of the night and didn't even record them. Oh well. I'm seriously thinking of just eating ice pops now and maybe the occasional fruit snack if I feel the need. I just want to lose a few more pounds.
Work has been a little stressful. I closed again the other night. I was so worried that I'd miss something, but there was a note there when I got in from Sabrina pretty much saying 'thank you' for doing all the things that needed to be done. I wanted to take it down because I didn't want people to get mad at me, but Jen told me to leave it up for bragging rights. I'm really not the bragging kind of person, so it felt really weird. Today I went in and didn't know what to do with myself. I was working with Jen for a couple of hours. Sundays are always so boring. I hate coming in before 5 because there are no tills to pull until after 5 and nothing really exciting to do unless there are a lot of customers, which there usually aren't. Jen left at 5:30 and Shannon came in. She literally clocked in, put her shit down and left to walk around the store for thirty minutes. Meanwhile I was due for my break and I was getting a lot of annoying customers who were just bitchy and the like. I called her over the intercom so I could go on break. After that I felt better because there was a lot to do. I left at 8 and went home after buying my mom a chicken Caesar salad and cigarettes.
I texted my boyfriend for a while. I wasn't in the best mood and felt kind of lonely. He was really hyper and saying random shit, which made me feel a little better, but then he went to bed. I had called my friend Steph, who was supposed to stay on the phone with me to watch the meteor shower. I called her and she said she'd call me back, but she almost never did. I ate a bunch of crap and waited for my mom to go to bed so I could have the computer. I felt really lonely again and I tried talking to Steph on facebook. She was barely answering me. I found other things to do, like dress up and take pictures and put them on FB. Because I was that bored. I spoke with my best friend, who is moving on Wednesday. She said she might try to see me before she hits the road for South Carolina. She has stuff to give me and vice versa. I haven't seen her in over a year. She never has time to see me.
Anyway, Steph finally got back in touch with me about an hour ago and she called me and I went outside to see the meteor shower. I was outside for about 5 minutes before I heard gunshots (I live right outside the city in a not-so-safe area) and ran back inside. Didn't get to see the meteor shower, but tomorrow's another day. And if I miss it tomorrow there's always next year, the year after that, etc.
I've been keeping myself amused all night by listening to music, Tumblring, Facebooking, painting my nails, eating ice pops. I really am not tired. I have to call transportation tomorrow to set it up for my appointment on Thursday. Then I have work at 5 and after that it will probably be another night of staying up, hopefully getting to see the meteor shower. We'll see how it goes.
Now I'm just trying to figure out what else there is to do for the night. I know if I read a book I'll probably fall asleep, and I don't really want to sleep yet. I honestly don't want to read a book either. I want to play catch, but there's no one to play with and I can't do it against the wall or floor (especially the floor because I have neighbors downstairs) because of noise. I hate not having people around. Night time is so lonely. I wish everyone would just wake up and party! Woo! But that's not going to happen. I'll figure something out.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Food and Therapy
I don't want to gain weight. But I want to up my calorie intake a tad so I don't feel like shit constantly. I have nearly no energy when I eat as little as I usually do. But I don't really want to up my calories either. I did well today (for Ed), under 300. Because I'm trying to lose the weight I'd gained. And then I'll stop. But I know I won't, I'm just telling myself it'll be okay once I lose the weight again and then I'll stop restricting and start eating.
But then I have this problem, which I have been experiencing the past couple of days, where even if I'd eaten I still feel the need to eat. And it's always carbs. I hate that. I get this feeling when I am 'healthy' too. I just overall have an unhealthy relationship with food.
Therapy went okay today. She asked me what it is I want from her in our sessions and I told her I just want someone to listen. She let me bitch about the food I'd eaten yesterday (which was honestly kind of weird) and we talked about random other stuff and that was it.
I bought more safe food today. I feel better now.
I'm sorry if I'm disappointing anyone who reads this blog by sinking further into my disorder. I really am sorry, I think about it often and feel guilty. I'm ashamed of myself too. I don't know what I want. I don't know where I'm expecting this to all go, but I know it won't be good if I keep it up. I wish it were easier - for all of us.
But then I have this problem, which I have been experiencing the past couple of days, where even if I'd eaten I still feel the need to eat. And it's always carbs. I hate that. I get this feeling when I am 'healthy' too. I just overall have an unhealthy relationship with food.
Therapy went okay today. She asked me what it is I want from her in our sessions and I told her I just want someone to listen. She let me bitch about the food I'd eaten yesterday (which was honestly kind of weird) and we talked about random other stuff and that was it.
I bought more safe food today. I feel better now.
I'm sorry if I'm disappointing anyone who reads this blog by sinking further into my disorder. I really am sorry, I think about it often and feel guilty. I'm ashamed of myself too. I don't know what I want. I don't know where I'm expecting this to all go, but I know it won't be good if I keep it up. I wish it were easier - for all of us.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
FUCKFUCKFUCK.
I have so many mixed emotions.. I need to put this somewhere. Yesterday I'd eaten a whole hell of a lot compared to what I've been doing. Basically, calorie-wise, I'd consider it a binge. It was 677.7 calories for the day. I was mortified when I'd gained two pounds. But today? I've been craving food all day. My body is telling me it's starving. I bought a bunch of tuna at work because it's on sale this week for 88 cents. I'd only had two ice pops and a serving of Light Pringles before work, and I came home and had a fucking tuna sandwich, which made me close to 300 for the day, which should have been enough. Oh, if you count the 32 calories I'd burned earlier from walking to the corner store to get smokes, then a little less than that. But seriously, I came home, ate the fucking sandwich, and my mouth was craving something more. I originally had thought of having a bowl of cereal. And I freaking should have. But no. I go and ask my brother if he wants some mac and cheese from a stupid fucking box and I fucking ate like half the box. And I'm so fucking pissed. It's going to be torture when I step on the scale tomorrow morning. I fucking hate myself. I feel so full and uncomfortable that it shouldn't be legal. This is insane. I want to jump out of my skin. I am not comfortable, I am not comfortable, I am UNCOMFORTABLE AS FUCK. I'm taking twice as many laxatives tonight if that's what it will take. I don't fucking care. I'm so fucking angry right now. I'm so horrible. And I have to see my stupid fucking therapist tomorrow and I can't even talk to her about it. She'd probably be like, "oh that's great that you're eating, but mac and cheese is unhealthy, you should never eat that." And I almost want her to say that to me right now just so I can feel even more horrible about it. Fuck this shit.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Depressed is the Word
So I really don't feel like updating, and I realize I haven't updated since Thursday but that's because I've been feeling really shitty and just out of it. Disconnected from reality really. I guess depressed is the word. I had the day off so I lied in bed all day and did nothing. Still haven't slept much, but took a sleeping pill tonight so we'll see how that goes.
My therapist ended our session after 20 minutes on Friday. I don't even wanna get into that. I'm too tired. Basically I'm just tired of her.
I've eaten less than 100 calories for three days in a row. Not feeling very motivated to eat anything other than ice pops, applesauce and sugar-free jello. I've lost three pounds since I last updated.
I guess I just feel like shit and I just wanna sit still and stare at a wall for forever. I don't even realize my mind is connected to a body anymore. I'm just there. I don't even really think about anything.
I'll update again when I feel like it.
My therapist ended our session after 20 minutes on Friday. I don't even wanna get into that. I'm too tired. Basically I'm just tired of her.
I've eaten less than 100 calories for three days in a row. Not feeling very motivated to eat anything other than ice pops, applesauce and sugar-free jello. I've lost three pounds since I last updated.
I guess I just feel like shit and I just wanna sit still and stare at a wall for forever. I don't even realize my mind is connected to a body anymore. I'm just there. I don't even really think about anything.
I'll update again when I feel like it.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Stoup
Today was... just a day, I suppose. I did my thing in the morning before having to go to my appointment. My boyfriend texted me and told me he wouldn't be there because he didn't feel well. It happens to be our two-month anniversary, but I mean, to most people, I guess that's not really a big deal.
I got there about 40 minutes early and waited in the waiting room. One of the things I hate about going there and sitting in the dreadful waiting room is what channel is always on the TV in there - the food network. Rachael Ray was on this morning, cooking some panini thing with "stoup" which apparently is less consistent than stew, but more so than soup. Whatever. My therapist came by the waiting room because one of her other clients was in there waiting for her. She came over to me because apparently she was confused and maybe thought I was waiting for her. No, I'm waiting for the doctor. I told you that.
The doctor called me in and asked me how I was doing. I haven't seen her in three months. I told her about my promotion at work and that I've been doing fine. Then she told me that my therapist had told her everything that happened with Maria and what she said to me and that I've been taking laxatives and diuretics and "starving" myself (not). I told her I was having a lot of anxiety and haven't been sleeping well for about two weeks, and that the Trazodone she'd given me last time makes me groggy. She said she's really concerned about my sleep and that less sleep can cause even more anxiety, and that if I can, to take the med at least three times a week. Frankly, I'm kind of scared of the Trazodone. I take half of the lowest possible dose and it still fucks me up. I'm scared I'll not wake up in the morning and that gives me more anxiety because then I won't want to go to sleep at all and I'll be even more fucked up. I told her how my anxiety is making me paranoid. Currently I'm on an antipsychotic for the "psychotic features" of my Bipolar. She increased it. I won't be able to get these meds for a few days, probably not until Sunday. I've not taken my Lithium since Tuesday, and I worry that it won't be good because I've been experiencing short bouts of mania. I told her this as well. She did not give me anything for my anxiety. Apparently she's more concerned about my lack of sleep, and I guess thinks that if I sleep I will be less anxious. Well, idiot, I haven't been sleeping because I'm anxious. Whatever.
I have to go in again tomorrow morning and face my therapist. Honestly, I don't really want to talk to her. She just makes me angry nowadays. She doesn't respond very well to anything I tell her and just gets upset that I'm not eating and tells me I'm going to die. How supportive.
I've eaten a fair amount today. More than 100 calories less than I did yesterday, but who cares. Who's counting? Oh yeah - I am. I had 64 calories before I went to my appointment, and when I came home I was late for work so I had to rush off to work and didn't get out until 10pm. When I came home I waited almost an hour before having a tuna sandwich, with TWO pieces of bread. And then two ice pops. And I think I'm done for the night. I should be, it's freaking 11:30 at night. Why am I eating this late? I need to eat more during the day.
I'm mad because my laxatives are not really working well anymore. I'm only taking two a night; maybe I should take three. Also, my metabolism seems to be slowing. There are more days in between weight loss. And now when I do lose weight, it's only a pound at a time. I'm so frustrated. I know I need to eat more, but for some reason I can't bring myself to do it. It's not allowed.
This is not a relapse.
I got there about 40 minutes early and waited in the waiting room. One of the things I hate about going there and sitting in the dreadful waiting room is what channel is always on the TV in there - the food network. Rachael Ray was on this morning, cooking some panini thing with "stoup" which apparently is less consistent than stew, but more so than soup. Whatever. My therapist came by the waiting room because one of her other clients was in there waiting for her. She came over to me because apparently she was confused and maybe thought I was waiting for her. No, I'm waiting for the doctor. I told you that.
The doctor called me in and asked me how I was doing. I haven't seen her in three months. I told her about my promotion at work and that I've been doing fine. Then she told me that my therapist had told her everything that happened with Maria and what she said to me and that I've been taking laxatives and diuretics and "starving" myself (not). I told her I was having a lot of anxiety and haven't been sleeping well for about two weeks, and that the Trazodone she'd given me last time makes me groggy. She said she's really concerned about my sleep and that less sleep can cause even more anxiety, and that if I can, to take the med at least three times a week. Frankly, I'm kind of scared of the Trazodone. I take half of the lowest possible dose and it still fucks me up. I'm scared I'll not wake up in the morning and that gives me more anxiety because then I won't want to go to sleep at all and I'll be even more fucked up. I told her how my anxiety is making me paranoid. Currently I'm on an antipsychotic for the "psychotic features" of my Bipolar. She increased it. I won't be able to get these meds for a few days, probably not until Sunday. I've not taken my Lithium since Tuesday, and I worry that it won't be good because I've been experiencing short bouts of mania. I told her this as well. She did not give me anything for my anxiety. Apparently she's more concerned about my lack of sleep, and I guess thinks that if I sleep I will be less anxious. Well, idiot, I haven't been sleeping because I'm anxious. Whatever.
I have to go in again tomorrow morning and face my therapist. Honestly, I don't really want to talk to her. She just makes me angry nowadays. She doesn't respond very well to anything I tell her and just gets upset that I'm not eating and tells me I'm going to die. How supportive.
I've eaten a fair amount today. More than 100 calories less than I did yesterday, but who cares. Who's counting? Oh yeah - I am. I had 64 calories before I went to my appointment, and when I came home I was late for work so I had to rush off to work and didn't get out until 10pm. When I came home I waited almost an hour before having a tuna sandwich, with TWO pieces of bread. And then two ice pops. And I think I'm done for the night. I should be, it's freaking 11:30 at night. Why am I eating this late? I need to eat more during the day.
I'm mad because my laxatives are not really working well anymore. I'm only taking two a night; maybe I should take three. Also, my metabolism seems to be slowing. There are more days in between weight loss. And now when I do lose weight, it's only a pound at a time. I'm so frustrated. I know I need to eat more, but for some reason I can't bring myself to do it. It's not allowed.
This is not a relapse.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
I Need to Pop Some Xanax
I feel like saying a lot but nothing at all. My social worker came to see me today and all she kept saying was, "Hmm, you look so different from when I saw you last month," and she kept looking me over. I told her I'm fine and I really haven't lost that much weight (she knows, she's known from the beginning because I've known her since I was 12 or 13).
I took a lot of naps today because I'm so tired. I kept nodding off at work. Jen told me she talked to Sabrina (the front end administrator, I guess you would say) and she told Jen that I did a "fantastic job" last night closing for my first time. I was so relieved.
I was tired but on edge all night. I'm still anxious. I'm going to ask my psych for Xanax or something tomorrow. It says in my file that I'm not supposed to take drugs with addictive qualities though, because I have an addictive personality. Oh well, I need something, and something that won't put me to sleep, because all they've been giving me over the years are different types of antihistamines and they just knock me out and I can't do anything.
A little 2-year-old girl got her little hand stuck in the automatic door (fucking door) because it stuck and wouldn't open and she was screaming her head off, and then I heard her mom scream "OH MY GOD!!" like it was a horror film or something, so I dropped everything and ran to the door. They got her hand out and she wouldn't show it to anyone. She was okay though. We got her some ice and the parents said they weren't going to file a lawsuit or anything, thank God. It scared the shit out of me though.
When I left I had a list of things I needed to buy. More poison (laxatives and diuretics), more jello, some tuna, fat free mayo, light whole wheat bread and fruit cups. I told Jen I wanted to check out with her at the desk because I felt more comfortable with her with what I was buying ('cause she already knows too from before). She got really upset with me and told me she didn't want to check me out if that's what I was buying, but she did anyway. She gave me a mini lecture about how I'm hurting myself, and then I left.
When I got home I decided to eat something. I was scared because I'd already had more than half of my usual daily intake before I went to work. But I decided I should just try to eat a tad more. I took one slice of bread and measured out some tuna and the mayo as well. I'd been craving tuna for about a week and a half now. I calculated it in my head, roughly. I felt horrible. I was so hungry! I wanted carbs, and a lot of them. I wanted cheese fries and pizza and potatoes, and everything bad bad bad. But luckily I have none of that in my house. Then I sat on my bed for ten minutes staring at my pile of safe food, trying to figure out which I wanted most but wasn't going to kill me inside. I ultimately had some pickles and then another slice of bread with half a tbsp of apple butter (because it's less than jelly - I unfortunately don't have any sugar-free jelly in the house at the moment). Then I had to make it even worse by having two more ice pops. I hate myself right now. I had about 365 calories today, and I'm terrified. What the fuck, it's nothing. I need to get the hell over it. But I can't help but be so pissed and frustrated with myself. I want more control than everyone else. I want to be the best at everything. I hate how I think, I really do.
I took a lot of naps today because I'm so tired. I kept nodding off at work. Jen told me she talked to Sabrina (the front end administrator, I guess you would say) and she told Jen that I did a "fantastic job" last night closing for my first time. I was so relieved.
I was tired but on edge all night. I'm still anxious. I'm going to ask my psych for Xanax or something tomorrow. It says in my file that I'm not supposed to take drugs with addictive qualities though, because I have an addictive personality. Oh well, I need something, and something that won't put me to sleep, because all they've been giving me over the years are different types of antihistamines and they just knock me out and I can't do anything.
A little 2-year-old girl got her little hand stuck in the automatic door (fucking door) because it stuck and wouldn't open and she was screaming her head off, and then I heard her mom scream "OH MY GOD!!" like it was a horror film or something, so I dropped everything and ran to the door. They got her hand out and she wouldn't show it to anyone. She was okay though. We got her some ice and the parents said they weren't going to file a lawsuit or anything, thank God. It scared the shit out of me though.
When I left I had a list of things I needed to buy. More poison (laxatives and diuretics), more jello, some tuna, fat free mayo, light whole wheat bread and fruit cups. I told Jen I wanted to check out with her at the desk because I felt more comfortable with her with what I was buying ('cause she already knows too from before). She got really upset with me and told me she didn't want to check me out if that's what I was buying, but she did anyway. She gave me a mini lecture about how I'm hurting myself, and then I left.
When I got home I decided to eat something. I was scared because I'd already had more than half of my usual daily intake before I went to work. But I decided I should just try to eat a tad more. I took one slice of bread and measured out some tuna and the mayo as well. I'd been craving tuna for about a week and a half now. I calculated it in my head, roughly. I felt horrible. I was so hungry! I wanted carbs, and a lot of them. I wanted cheese fries and pizza and potatoes, and everything bad bad bad. But luckily I have none of that in my house. Then I sat on my bed for ten minutes staring at my pile of safe food, trying to figure out which I wanted most but wasn't going to kill me inside. I ultimately had some pickles and then another slice of bread with half a tbsp of apple butter (because it's less than jelly - I unfortunately don't have any sugar-free jelly in the house at the moment). Then I had to make it even worse by having two more ice pops. I hate myself right now. I had about 365 calories today, and I'm terrified. What the fuck, it's nothing. I need to get the hell over it. But I can't help but be so pissed and frustrated with myself. I want more control than everyone else. I want to be the best at everything. I hate how I think, I really do.
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