Work and Brothers

Things have been a little more hectic in my life now that I'm working again.  So far, so good though as far as work goes.  I'm getting back into the swing of working there and enjoying it as much as I can.  The last few days have been crazy there because of the hurricane.  I had to go in three hours early on Saturday because it was so busy, so I worked an eight-hour shift.  I thought it would be horrible but it wasn't too bad and it calmed down after a while.

My thoughts are kind of scattered lately.  I had the day off from partial today because of flooding all over so I guess I have some time to gather my thoughts.  I'm doing pretty well with eating, but I still have yet to reach my goal weight.  I am eating though so that's a good sign I suppose.

My older brother has been really getting on my nerves lately, especially during the hurricane.  He always has to have power and control over everything.  It's really fucking annoying because he has this thing where he thinks he knows everything about everything and has to shove it down everyone else's throats and he screams and yells at everyone, like, shut the fuck up.  No one wants to fucking hear your bullshit because no one fucking cares so go the fuck away.  He actually threatened to call my job and somehow get my fired, which was not a threat at all because there's no possible way for him to get me fired just because he's jealous that I have a job and he doesn't.   He claims I rub it in his face by "being happy all the time" which is beyond me because I don't even associate myself with him or go near him for him to say that I'm rubbing anything in his face.  The only time we talk is if we're fighting and in that case we're not talking, we're yelling.  I honestly don't care anymore though.  He says he will change and nothing happens, or he changes for two days and then goes back to his usual arrogant, selfish self.  He's impossible to have a relationship with and at this point I honestly don't care about having a relationship with him so it doesn't matter.  I could go on and on about all the bullshit about him, but I'll save it for when I'm more pissed off.

Tired

I'm so freaking tired.  I took a pill last night to help me sleep and now all I want to do is sleep.  I slept for 12 hours, woke up and went to the bathroom and then fell asleep for another 4 hours.  Maybe I should have asked for a smaller dose.  I got the same dose I've taken in the past but I guess it's too strong.  Anyway, I'm kind of drained for thoughts at the moment.  I'm excited to see a movie with my mom tomorrow.  Next weekend should be more exciting because I'm supposed to sleep over my best friend's house but I haven't heard from her so I hope we're still doing it.  Time to go make myself more productive.

Life's good

So I've embraced this idea of becoming something like the next Oprah.  I'm not sure how I would go about this but it is a work in progress I suppose.  I just want to make people happy.  It hurts me when I don't make people happy or do the opposite of making people happy.  I don't want to be a therapist though.  I'm not the kind of person who likes to listen to people's problems, I'll just be the one to tell you what to do (if I know).  Like, I'll listen long enough to figure it out.  I don't want all the details because I'm not a therapist.  Giving all the details wastes time unless they're required to solve the problem.  And I'll ask questions.  I like asking questions.  It's easier for me that way.  That way I can get what I want to know and just that.

Anyway, I went to my previous place of employment today to see if I was on the recall list.  They're hiring people back from the layoff.  Tim said to wait another week because not all the lists came back (it's not just one big list).  He said to me that he could hire me in deli and I'd make more money.  I don't really want to work in deli though because first of all I'm kind of scared of the meat slicer, and secondly all of my friends and previous co-workers will be on the other side of the store and I'll just be in the corner cutting ham and cheese.  Tim said he'd rather me work up front too but something tells me there's a limit to the number of people he can hire back up there and maybe I won't be able to work there.  That occurred to me but I don't want to think that.  I guess I'll just have to wait another week and see what happens.

Other than that, this week has been very good.  Life is good.

Changing the World

Today I woke up very tired.  I've been tired the last few days or week, not sure.  This is because last week I wasn't doing very well.  I felt amazingly great, but I was making poor decisions.  This is because the first few days or so of last week I was in the grip of a small manic episode.  I decided, just for the hell of it, to have my mom buy me Mad Dog 20/20 last Tuesday night.  It's about 13% alcohol and I'm a lightweight, so yes, I got drunk.  I slept for about three hours that night because I was just too "hyper," or manic.  I went to program the next day and I was jumping around all day, happy as ever.  We have a group first thing every morning called Case Management where everyone goes into group with their case worker.  My case worker has been out for a couple weeks so the nurse, who I can trust, was running case management.  I told her what was going on and she wasn't happy about it.  That night I went home and got drunk again.  I got about two hours of sleep that night but I woke up completely refreshed as if I'd slept eight hours or more.  I went to program early the next day and the nurse asked if I drank again last night and I told her I did.  I'm not sure if they cared more that I drank two nights in a row because I have a high chance of becoming an alcoholic, or if they were more concerned with the fact that I neglected to take my medication for two nights in a row.  Either way, it didn't really matter to me.  Not even halfway through the day I began to crash and have racing thoughts and be paranoid and scared as I usually do after I'm manic.  I get almost psychotic if you will.  I broke down crying and telling them to send me home so I could take my meds.  They told me I needed to stay so they could watch me.  After a few hours I felt a little better.  I've been taking my meds since then and haven't drank and have been trying to get better sleep.

I'm very happy still, but I don't think it's mania.  Sometimes I feel too happy and can't contain myself, and it's almost as though there's no reason for it.  Just because I'm alive.  Just because I'm grateful for every little thing.  Just because.  I feel like passing on my happiness to everyone else.  I want everyone else to be happy too.  It will make me happier.  I get these feelings like I just want to change the whole world and make it a better place all by myself.  I want to achieve greatness.  I want to do something or make something or write something so beautiful that it moves people.  This has always been something I've wanted to do, but never felt that I could.  Anything is possible.  That's what I think to myself now.  I want to know where to start.  I would have to do something so amazing that people would be in awe.  I want to change people's lives.  Lately since I've been trying to get into college but never finished the process, I've been thinking about what I really want to do with the rest of my life.  I don't want to do something ordinary.  I want people to look up do me, to be an inspiration.  I want people to admire me for something great that I did.  A good part of my life was spent being a little person that no one could see.  A little person in therapy for all her problems and for all the things that happened to her.  I don't want to be that person anymore.  I want to overcome every obstacle in my way and come out on the other side greater than before.  I don't want to look to people for approval.  I want to be the person that other people look to.  I want to be the one people come to for comfort, the one who gives hugs and says everything's gonna be okay.  The one who shares wisdom and experiences to better others.  I want to start to make my world a better place by making others' worlds a better place.  And I know I can do it.

Staying positive

       So I changed the title of my blog.  My previous one was way too negative.  I am not that person anymore.  Maybe it seems that I've turned things around so quickly that it doesn't seem fathomable.  But the truth is that I've woken up.  Everything is in such a new and different light when you think differently.  I am grateful for everything around me, because everything serves its own purpose.  I've gone through a period of time before where I've "woken up" but it didn't last.  I've gone through a similar period where it turned out to be mania and I was diagnosed Bipolar I.  But I am doing everything in my power to keep staying happy and not let it get to the manic point.  I've been watching The Secret over the past weekend.  Part of me feels that it triggers my mania because there were some instances where I couldn't sleep and my mind was racing.  But I've come to the conclusion that I should only watch it on a down moment.  It's like my level of happiness has no limit, and it increases so much that I become manic.  But I will not let that happen.  I will be strong and functional and ordinarily happy.  I think what part of my mania could be is that I've gone through so much of my life without being happy that I'm scared of what happy is.  For me it can be dangerous.  I become reckless, sleepless, appetite-less.  And I've noticed yesterday I just didn't want to eat.  I didn't think I needed to, and it's not ED, it's the mania, making me think that I'm better than food and I'm superhuman and don't require it as an essential element to living.  I've confided this in one of the counselors at my partial program and she advised me to balance my sleep and eating so to prevent a manic episode from creeping up on me.
       I enjoy daily activities more now and am much more willing to partake in them.  Today I have off from partial so instead of sitting home I'm going to take some change and go buy some magazines and make a collage.  I also plan on organizing some boxes in my room from moving.  I find that my quality of life is better when I'm occupied, but I can now enjoy not being particularly occupied and do things like listen to the sounds outside or listen to peaceful music and just appreciate it.  To anyone who isn't in the kind of frame of mind that I'm in, this may sound ridiculous, but it's really not.  Anyone is capable of doing it, you just have to believe that you are.  Nothing good will happen if you don't believe.